The heart is slow to learn

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I read this thread on L3, about a deep loneliness after a relationship with a pwBPD.  I have been mulling over my reaction to one part that really hits home:

I can best describe perhaps what occurred as heart annihilation.

That pretty much sums it up for me.  Earlier this week, we had our weekly session with our MC.  At one point he looked at me and asked me what I felt fulfilling in this marriage.

I was unable to answer.

All I could think of was the years of blood, sweat, and (internal) tears. 

I said there were a lot of charred parts in this marriage's past, and now that things were a little more calm, I like that. 

I had no idea a marriage was supposed to be fulfilling.

At first, after the "pure adorement and why don't we ever fight" phase melted, I used to call myself the house Sherpa as I did all the chores, driving, loading and unloading the car, cleaning the bathrooms in between the line of fired housekeepers, making the meals, cleaning up the kitchen and let us not forget doing all the laundry.

Oh yeah, I had a full time job, she did at first, but stopped as we started to have kids.  I thought she would be able to transition from "independent" to " married with children."  I was certainly learning how to be a ":)ad."  Even took the ":)addy Boot Camp" at the hospital where our first child was born.

Fast forward thru 10 years of blood, sweat and tears. 

I feel the deep loneliness right now.

I pretty much feel like a worthless cog in a machine of hate.  I feel like one of Fritz Lang's robots in "Metropolis."  Some days I feel like a Horn and Hardart Automat (older folks would get it): making all the meals for her to consume, and meals for my kids.

I am in the deep loneliness while in a BPD relationship. 

It's gotta be better on the other side.  It is an awful feeling where I am now.

My heart is annihilated.  Does it ever mend?

[gary seven]

I read this thread on L3, about a deep loneliness after a relationship with a pwBPD.  I have been mulling over my reaction to one part that really hits home:

I can best describe perhaps what occurred as heart annihilation.

That pretty much sums it up for me.  Earlier this week, we had our weekly session with our MC.  At one point he looked at me and asked me what I felt fulfilling in this marriage.

I was unable to answer.

All I could think of was the years of blood, sweat, and (internal) tears. 

I said there were a lot of charred parts in this marriage's past, and now that things were a little more calm, I like that. 

I had no idea a marriage was supposed to be fulfilling.

At first, after the "pure adorement and why don't we ever fight" phase melted, I used to call myself the house Sherpa as I did all the chores, driving, loading and unloading the car, cleaning the bathrooms in between the line of fired housekeepers, making the meals, cleaning up the kitchen and let us not forget doing all the laundry.

Oh yeah, I had a full time job, she did at first, but stopped as we started to have kids.  I thought she would be able to transition from "independent" to " married with children."  I was certainly learning how to be a ":)ad."  Even took the ":)addy Boot Camp" at the hospital where our first child was born.

Fast forward thru 10 years of blood, sweat and tears. 

I feel the deep loneliness right now.

I pretty much feel like a worthless cog in a machine of hate.  I feel like one of Fritz Lang's robots in "Metropolis."  Some days I feel like a Horn and Hardart Automat (older folks would get it): making all the meals for her to consume, and meals for my kids.

I am in the deep loneliness while in a BPD relationship. 

It's gotta be better on the other side.  It is an awful feeling where I am now.

My heart is annihilated.  Does it ever mend?

[waverider]

There is no lonelier a place than an empty relationship, as it is not compensated by freedom, or the apparent ability to do anything about it.

It is sole sapping.

This is why things must change one way or another.

A survivor can only survive for so long.

Learning the art of self rescue is empowering, it can take many forms.

"Heart annihilation" ultimately prevents you from even loving yourself, making you feel worthless

[gary seven]

Thanks for the perspective, Waverider.

I am encouraged by setting boundaries, which I am hopeful will lead to my self-rescue.  I am not out of line when I want to do things by my terms (no risky behaviors or anything like that).

I find it hard at times to juggle me as my own self, with her dysfunction that leaves me holding everything else. 

And just maybe this heart that is slow to learn will figure out how to mend.  I can see how annihilation could be a block set to prevent the healing. It'll be a different heart, I suppose, but it still should work.

[waverider]

I find it hard at times to juggle me as my own self, with her dysfunction that leaves me holding everything else. 

It is difficult and it will take a long time for it to be natural. You are changing your entire personality and that is no natural thing to do. It will be forced at first, hopefully eventually it will become subconscious

Best of luck

[bpbreakout]

Gary, sounds like you have a demanding job, young kids and a very difficult relationship, even without BPD it's a very hard time in your life & no wonder you are feeling the way you are. I was in your position a few years ago though I didn't know anything about BPD we all thought it was bipolar disorder- I have no idea how I got through  .

Metropolis is one of my all time favourite movies, maybe the "false Maria" is some kind of metaphor for BPD

[OutOfEgypt]

I am encouraged by setting boundaries, which I am hopeful will lead to my self-rescue.  I am not out of line when I want to do things by my terms (no risky behaviors or anything like that).

I find it hard at times to juggle me as my own self, with her dysfunction that leaves me holding everything else.

For me, boundaries meant nothing to her.  They were at best a joke, at worst a threat and a reason to accuse me of being "mean."  When a person believes they should do whatever they want, but then will blame you for it (and for allowing them), but will also blame you when you don't want to allow it, it pushes everything toward one direction.  I was constantly having to assess what I would and would not accept, what my values were and were not.  I was always under the gun, so to speak.  And eventually it all led to one place: leaving.  That was the only way to "rescue" myself.  And of course her dysfunction leaves you holding everything else.  Don't you think that is part of her plan?  If you are always thrown off balance, you can't find your own identity and establish independence and wake up.  If you do, you might actually leave.  So, she needs you to be thrown off balance so that she can keep you down and do whatever she wants.  I could not effectively do what you are attempting to do while in a relationship with my ex.  She undercut all of it.  I worked with a T one day a week, yet for the other 6 days it was like living with a therapist who was working against me to silence my voice, dissolve my boundaries, confuse me, manipulate me, and use me and make me feel grateful for it.

[gary seven]

Hey BPDbreakout... .thanks.  "False Maria," for sure.  Nice to see some members reveal a bit about non-BPD interests.

And to OOE:

You know, that's exactly what I have been developing as a thought.  The more her dysfunction that leaves me doing everything else, the more "power" (for lack of a better word) she has to keep everything dysfunctional, you have detailed exactamundo what I'm living.

She said as soon as S10 went to Summer Camp our first job was to "clean up and organize his room."  Well I keep offering, and it has been 4 weeks and not a thing has been done.  SO she gets to stay in the chaos.

I am developing the resolve to tackle each thing--- next on the list is our Master Bath has been decimated by a three story water leak over a year old now.

I am back in charge with the Insurance Adjustor.   My SIL hooked me up to Angie's List and I have an on-site appointment with a bathroom designer this Sunday.

Guess who chased two others off the property last year?

Our 30 yr old house has a master bath right out of ":)allas:"  lots of cultured marble, a 30 yr old Jacuzzi with nasty water lines, and lots of large brass plated fixtures. Not exactly my style. I plan to modernize it since we have the opportunity to have the whole thing gutted.  But on a decent budget. 

Unfortunately I can only afford a T one every two to three weeks (he is not on our plan and I like him).  But I have some close friends and this family here to bounce ideas off of.

G7