All the changes I 'made' her make...

[Arminius]

I was frequently attacked verbally for having 'changed ' her.

Those changes were her feminisation from a sporty looking, bisexual girl who mainly been with women ( 2 five year plus lesbian loves) , in to a very sexy, ostensibly straight woman who took care of her skin, hair , nails and look.

She resented me for all of that. Yet, issues it now to be her new self, and snare a replacement MAN in no time at all, despite in the breakup telling me she was drawn, once again, to women.

These people are damaging, and we are the ones who become damaged. I made so many compromises, so many attempts at making it work, pushing my own values aside. Nothing can be enough once they have split you black.

[Narellan]

  hi Arminious and a warm welcome from all of us here at BPD family. We are glad to have you here. You are in the right place. It sounds like you've had a difficult time with your BPD partner. It can be confusing and devastating at the end of these relationships and leave us with many wounds and questions. This site is invaluable for healing ourselves. As you read through the posts, you will see you are not alone in this. Many members are still struggling to come to terms with the feelings involved in the aftermath.

It sounds like you are no longer in the relationship at this point? And you are painted black. That's a difficult and often devastating place to be. The thing you need to ask yourself is " if she comes back to recycle do you want to try again?"

Many of these relationships go in this cycle and now while you have some distance from her, is a good time to evaluate your wishes. We call this " choosing a pathway"

I would like to encourage you to post on L2 " undecided" board if you are considering any future with her. The resources and communicating tools found on this board are very useful if there is any further contact with her. Alternately the leaving board L3 may suit you better.

Senior members on either of these boards will be able to offer support and advice on your posts.

I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this difficult time.

Do you have support from family and friends?

We are here to help and support you through this Arminious.

Welcome aboard, I look forward to reading your posts 

[cosmonaut]

This is not uncommon with a BPD partner.  BPD is an attachment disorder.  In order to form an attachment, which people with BPD feel they must have to survive, they will utilize mirroring, which is a rather complex concept, but can be thought of as showing others whatever they want to see.  This is rooted in the pwBPD's unstable sense of self, but it has the benefit of being highly attractive to others.  Because of course we like people who are all the things that we like.  Sometimes pwBPD are described as chameleons due to their ability to very effectively mirror others.  The problem is that there is tremendous shame and resentment experience by the pwBPD due to their need to constantly sustain the mirroring in order maintain the attachment.  I think this is what your pwBPD was trying to say, although she probably didn't know how to express herself any better because so much of this occurred unconsciously.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this.  I know that it can be excruciatingly painful.  Mirroring and idealization can often make us feel like we have met the person of our dreams.  When that breaks down, the results can be nothing short of devastating.  I know that from my own experience.  It is very hard, and I'm truly sorry you have to suffer through this.  Hang in there and keep posting.   

[kba1969]

Welcome Arminious!  As Narellan said, your not alone.  My X cheated on me any chance she got, it seemed that she just couldn't say No!  Girls, guys, livestock for all I know!  You will find that this forum will help you try to figure out some of their skewed thinking.  The longer I go NC the more I realize how enmeshed we were, very unhealthy!  Everyone says to take care of yourself right now and I have found that it's the only way to truly start healing.  Feel the stages of your grief and do your best to work on yourself.  Even though our BPD partners are severely I'll, we have to recognize that we allowed this behavior.  I've had many dysfunctional relationships and am starting to work on why I had them.  Your not alone

[Red Sky]

 

I think I might have some experience with this. My ex girlfriend is not a girly girl. She described one of her exes to me, and she said (discussing lesbian relationships: clarifying this because there are so many 'she's) that her ex wanted her to wear lots of dresses and be girly, and it was like her ex was pressuring her into changing.

I took this at face value at the time. I'm now wondering about 'splitting', as in - did she choose to view everything that ex did as bad? My thought is that this might have roots in the idealization phase. As everyone says, BPDs often mirror things, and they are often seeking validation in ways that others don't. Let's say that I tell a girlfriend 'you look nice in that new dress'. Most people take this to mean something along the lines of 'I'm dating you, which means that I probably find you attractive all the time. But I'm letting you know that I've noticed you've made an effort with your appearance.' To someone like my ex, I can see 'you look nice in that dress' meaning 'that dress makes you, who is ugly, look nice' and therefore she could consciously or unconsciously alter her appearance to seek further approval, even if it was never intended.

When she stopped idealizing you, it seems likely, to me, that she stopped (consciously or unconsciously) wanting to get that approval from you.

I'm also very much inclined to think that the 'ostensibly straight' bit might also be her painting you black to account for something that can be a very natural change. I'm bisexual but for several years dated a guy. During this time, I made a lot of friends and acquaintances. I never once told any of them my sexual orientation: unless you're the kind who loves attention or talks about their exes a lot, it just doesn't come up if you have an opposite-sex partner. And it's reasonable to assume a girl with a boyfriend is straight, most of them are. And as such I spent that time passing as straight, I never really bothered to correct any assumptions because it just didn't seem worth it. I don't blame the boyfriend because he didn't do it. But it seems to me that someone with BPD could blame you because she knows that these changes occurred when she was dating you.

Best wishes!

Red

[Lights843]

This is an interesting topic and I am inclined to agree with what others have already said.

My ex was a fairly well known makeup artist (who managed to do freelance for top magazines and photographers). Her self awareness and clean appearance seemed to be established for many years. When she went from a high functioning BPD to a low functioning BPD she began spending her time with some very dirty, unkept drug addicts that couldn't have cared less about appearance.

During our final divorce hearing when she walked into the lobby of the courthouse I barely recognized her. She tried, it was obvious, to try to win me or impress me by dying her hair the night before but the hair dye was still on her face and was very cheap. Generally, she would have an expensive color job at a salon. Her makeup was blotchy and uneven and her hair wasn't even brushed. She looked like a prostitute and her boobs were hanging out in COURT. It was so bad that I wasn't even mad. I was extremely upset and uncomfortable. I wanted to save her but she was gone. She now carries a look of confusion, uncertainty, and shame and she simply doesn't exhibit the self awareness she once did.

After extensive reading I can safely assume that she was probably trying to live up to whatever I found attractive instead of trying to establish her own identity and style.

[Arminius]

Let's say that I tell a girlfriend 'you look nice in that new dress'. Most people take this to mean something along the lines of 'I'm dating you, which means that I probably find you attractive all the time. But I'm letting you know that I've noticed you've made an effort with your appearance.' To someone like my ex, I can see 'you look nice in that dress' meaning 'that dress makes you, who is ugly, look nice' and therefore she could consciously or unconsciously alter her appearance to seek further approval, even if it was never intended.

Red

Oh, so, so true!

I remember once coming home and she had just showered changed and made up her face. She looked amazing, and I complimented her on it. Normally after work she'd shower and slop around in soft clothes ( normal stuff!) but in this day she had nice jeans, a cool t shirt and looked great, not overtly sexy, just great.

That compliment was interpreted as ' I must do this all the time' or at least, it seems that's what she did, because she then, for ages , was dong that every night.

Eventually she started to blame me for 'making her' do it.

[woodsposse]

 

During the course of my marriage, I heard a tonne of things from my (now) ex-wife about how she did things to make me happy (like keep her hair long even though she said she wanted to cut it).  And the resentment behind those things really un-nerved me because I didn't really care how she did her hair.  As long as she was happy.

But, as the story goes she says that this one time (probably after band camp) she cut her hair and asked me how I liked it. I said I thought it was a little short (she really did look like a boy).  I probably shouldn't have said that, but it was short and she looked like a boy.  I promptly forgot all about it and it didn't phase me one bit.  But, evidently, from that point on she never cut her hair and was a teensy bit pissy with me about it (well, held on to it in the corner of her mind, along with every other thing she felt I did to make her feel unhappy).

Me?  I'm just chugging along in life trying to make sure we kept the house from being forclosed... . and food in the house... . and keeping our kids safe and happy.  And, of course, wondering why my wife is no longer happy with me (or us). 

It was the darndest thing.  Talk about a serious no-win situation.

[Arminius]

Oh, yes, the hair! I had a similar thing when she cut her hair quite short once.

I said it was nice but I preferred it longer.

Never short again.

Until a 6 months before the end, when she had it cut really short and modern. I loved it, and told her so.

Obviously not the reaction she'd wanted!

[Narellan]

"But, as the story goes she says that this one time (probably after band camp) "

Literally laughed out loud at this sentence

[woodsposse]

"But, as the story goes she says that this one time (probably after band camp) "

Literally laughed out loud at this sentence

I'm glad you liked the reference