Has he been lying/cheating?

[aspiegirl23]

I am so confused.

First of all, I know I did something not great to get this information. But I actually did it for a good reason. I have mega trust issues due to history. BPDh left his computer on one night this week while he went out. I wanted to, for the first time, have a look at his browser history with the intention that I would find he hadn't been looking at dodgy stuff online, to help secure my trust issues with real facts. He lies to me easily about stuff like drinking, etc, and he has done some stuff that has broken my trust during our marriage already (nothing major, but definitely stuff he knew wasn't ok with me and really hurt me).

Ok, so instead of finding what I wanted, I found that he had been looking at 2 other women on facebook (within the past 2 weeks, I didn't see any further back than that). One was a girl that we had an issue with with our rship at the start. He had clicked on her profile and scrolled through her profile pics (about 6 of them). The first one was a raunchy pic of her as her current profile pic.

As well as that, I saw that a couple of weekends ago on a Sat night after I was in bed, he had looked at a girl's pics 20 times (20 different pics?). This is a girl who I am not friends with, but I know her and I know she posts very raunchy pics. I don't know how my BPDh knows of her. I couldn't see the pics though. My only explanation is that

(a) she has since deleted the pics (it came up with a message saying I couldn't access the pics) or (b) that he had a second fb account where he is friends with her and hence could see the pics at the time when he was logged in as that account, but not logged in as his normal one which is what was logged in when I was looking at the history).

I confronted him about it and all he can say is that he can't remember ever doing such a thing and he doesn't know who she is.

I kept saying that it is a fact, in his browser history, and how can you not remember, you looked at like 20 pictures of it late one Sat night?

The first thing he did the next morning was delete his facebook account and his browser history. If it was me and I was truly innocent, I wouldn't have done that at all and would have openly showed him my history and that all was ok. Deleting everything is what I would have done if I was guilty.

He keeps getting mad at me for bringing it up.

He just keeps denying all of it and saying he doesn't know what I am talking about.

How worried should I be here? He knows that I feel physically ILL at the idea of him looking at other women. My stance is that if you are a man like that, then don't get married, stay single.

I am in love with him and things have been great lately, but this is just really niggling at me.

Are there any other explanations that make this ok?

I want things to be ok

It disturbs me that he might be looking at other women, and it REALLY disturbs me that he might have had some secret fb account all this time behind my back for that very purpose!

Have I totally blown this out of proportion?

Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kikimo]

I don't know if I'm good to give advice, but I want to help ease your mind. I know it's hard when you have trust issues, due to our past, it's difficult not to be on guard. I have just found it much better in my relationships not to even go there. I feel that people are going to do it with or without my knowledge, and due to excessive worrying, I'm better off not even knowing. (not saying it's right to be lied to). However, wouldn't you feel much better had you not even looked?

After splitting up with my son's father, who was cheating on me, I just don't even get jealous anymore. I guess I got burnt out on it, and think "if he wants someone else, let him go". I know that doesn't ease your pain and suffering. However, just because he looked at pictures, doesn't mean he cheats. I look at some of my exs profiles on a regular basis, just because I'm curious about where their life is, and honestly, I have NO romantic feelings for these guys what-so-ever. It's just more of a curiosity thing. So, based on that, it's pretty hard for me to judge him. I can't say what his intentions are/was. I do know that a relationship without trust stinks.

Men in general are very visual creatures, and I can guarantee that most guys (even happily married ones) look at other women. It's if they act on it that matters in my opinion. My BF and I even have conversations on how attractive certain women or men are. Just because I love my BF doesn't mean I can't find another man attractive, and I would never cheat on him.

Many times men will lie to avoid upsetting their wives/gf. This happens when a woman blows up at them, they learn to just avoid things. This could explain why he said he doesn't remember, but I can't say for sure, as I wasn't there. From my experience, my bf will come more near telling the truth and listening to me when I stay calm, and word things in a different manner. For example, instead of saying "You hurt my feelings when you did this wrong"... . I say "my feelings were a little hurt when my needs were not met".

Personally, I would stop digging... . not because I think he is or isn't doing something, but for your own peace of mind. You're going to give yourself a stroke worrying so much about something that is more than likely not happening. It's like my brother said one time... . too many people are busy defining and talking about relationships rather than experiencing them.  

I know a lot of this is easier said than done, and I understand how you feel. Life is too short to be unhappy worrying about what ifs.

[Narellan]

I'm sorry... . It sounds to me that he's lying to you and covering his tracks. My exBPD did it all the time. I was constantly distrustful with him. After we split I logged onto his FB account as I had his password. I saw that every day since our split he had been " charming" and flirting with my best friend of 20 years. Arranged to meet up and sending intimate photos.

I felt sick that I looked at it, but it confirmed all my suspicions and everything fell into place. And I fell into despair.

They are no longer in my life, either of them.

Peace to you. 

[mywifecrazy]

For what it's worth:

It is living with LIES that has us on these boards in the first place! I was also quilty of wearing a mask in my relationship with my uBPDxw.

As I'm working on ME since my divorce I've come to the realization that I'm healing and getting healthy because I am no longer wearing a mask.  I am TOTALLY honest with myself, my X (she decided to continue living the life of a liar) and everyone I'm associated with. If I am ever blessed by God and lead into a relationship with another woman you can bet your ASS that I will NOT tolerate anyone who is so CHILDISH that they can't be an ADULT on be COMPLETELY TRUTHFUL with the person they claim to love! It's my BOUNDARY, I set it up and I'm going to uphold it.

I mean really, if you claim to love someone and would give your life for that person why would you lie and deceive them. The answer is that you never did love them.

As far as the FB account and computer history. It's just the tip of the iceberg. The fact that he deleted everything tells you all you need to know. WHERE THERES SMOKE THERES FIRE. I was guilty of looking at things I shouldn't have when I was married and the first thing I would do was delete my history to cover my tracks! I would recommend that you set boundaries for yourself. You can start by DEMANDING that you BOTH get into marriage counseling so you BOTH can work on your issues and beginning the work of strengthening your marriage. Your discovering his computer issues could turn out to be a good thing if you DO SOMETHING  about it and and work at coming together as a couple. Heck your marriage could turn out being better than ever if you get into counseling and work at being completely honest with each other.

If you both ignore the issues and sweep them under the carpet your marriage will keep,going down the path of destruction.

I hope it works out for you BOTH. I hate seeing a marriage fail... . It's so painful!

[thicker skin]

Hi Aspie 

You sound really hurt right now. I'm sorry about that.

If he has broken your trust in the past, you may well feel a little bit insecure sometimes. That's ok. You say it was nothing major, just things that he knew would hurt you. I want you to focus on that... . Nothing major.

I've deleted my fb account before, purely to do away with the meltdowns from my partner. I wasn't hiding anything, doing anything wrong or breaking any set rules. I couldn't make him feel secure, so I did away with the account, to save myself the grief.  I have also taken back my privacy by refusing to give over my passwords or phone code now. I have nothing to hide, but also, nothing to explain. It's a chicken and egg scenario... .

The pictures he was looking at might not have been anything to worry about... . You couldn't view them, I'm assuming, because you aren't friends, or weren't logged in as your partner. They could have been pics of the family dog, holiday snaps or mutual friends. He might not remember the content because he looked at lots of profiles, whilst he was at home, on his own, on a Saturday night? I don't know. Perhaps he doesn't feel the need to explain himself?

It really is ok to be a bit insecure sometimes... . We all have a moment every now and then. How we take our hurts to our partners makes a difference. If we own our feelings and take them to our lovers, saying " I'm feeling insecure at the moment. I know I'm being sensitive, but it would really help me if you could give me some reassurance please" then we are responsible and aware. If we get upset and act on our fears, we are coming across as accusational and blaming, which doesn't inspire our partners to be open to us, not after a while anyway and especially if the explanations don't ease the issue.

I'm only speaking from my personal experience. It sounds painful on both sides of the street.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I have also taken back my privacy by refusing to give over my passwords or phone code now. I have nothing to hide, but also, nothing to explain. It's a chicken and egg scenario... .

speaking from my personal experience. It sounds painful on both sides of the street.

I still haven't been able to pull the trigger on this one yet... .

Before finding out about BPD I always said my phone/email was open... . Then one day she spent an evening going through it & throwing accusations (How can you not know who LaDonna is?  She's in your contacts... . turns out she's the woman that hit my car months ago, we didn't report it but exchanged phone numbers... . then on to the next one... . )

I was royally pissed that night, she's backed off some since but I still get the "We're married so there's nothing you shouldn't tell me/why what are you hiding... . talks.

Is it simply accepting that when she says that's what married couples do/why bother being married/then I won't be able to trust you, you SET & move on?

[thicker skin]

She is right IsIt... . Married people do share a mutual trust and respect, being open and available to each other ... .

When it ups the ante, we are forced to set boundaries that protect us from harm. I personally took a battering for years before I gave up trying to juggle and manage his insecurities. Spam is not something I need to explain and I realised that I've never assuaged him before, so gave up on the notion that I could any time soon.

Trust is a two way street and is damaged by constantly not being believed, as well as being lied to.

They hurt. We hurt.

[aspiegirl23]

Thanks everyone. I am glad the post didn't get taken down because I really got something from everyone's responses.

I still do not 100% know what happened. I did manage to talk to the girl with the 20 pics though and she said that on that profile of hers she doesn't have raunchy pics, just happy snaps of her and her bf, so that reassured me a LOT.

I do get the curiosity about an ex thing, as in seeing what they are doing in their lives, also. I am quite sensitive about people looking at other's in a sexual curious way though. I have seen that world. I know that in many many many cases, there is NO such thing as a "harmless perve" and it is a sign that something worse is going on underneath, in my opinion and my experience. It is also something I measure myself with. If I were to want to look at other men in a sexual way, then that would be a major sign that I am not as into my man as I thought I was.

To me, nothing beats the intimacy between two people in love. It is amazing! All that other stuff is nothing compared to it.

Kikimo, what you said definitely spoke to me. I need to just trust/not look there. It still hurts though, and is still a major fear for me. What helps me (I am a christian) is to remind myself that God sees what both of us are doing and even if he is doing the wrong thing, doesn't mean I should.

I know it was wrong and stupid to look at his computer. I also keep hearing that line "If you can't handle the answer to a question, don't ask it".

With my Aspgerger's, I am very all or nothing, black and white, similar to pwBPD. To me, one is either in a rship, or they are not. I don't work with in-betweens, so to me if he shows signs of not being 100% here, then that must mean the end of the rship and that is AWFUL to me.

We have done some counselling and it is helpfull. I would like to do it again as it has been too long!

Thanks so much for sharing all your stories everyone, you are all wonderful, thank you!

[thicker skin]

Gosh Aspie,

I'm thinking that your man must really love you. Be careful that he doesn't have to keep on proving it to you sweetheart.

My partner thinks like you and I ended up being micromanaged, which didn't feel like love after a while.

Are you able to get some therapy just for you? Your man loves you, is very patient and it would be a great shame for both of you if he came to feel like many of us here do. You clearly love each other.

Thank you for sharing so beautifully xxx