My mother is trying to pitch her tent on my success

[zubizou87]

Hi Guys

I have a good friend and colleague who is also from a dysfunctional family and she used to live in a tiny, beautiful little studio in San Francisco. Although her family were quite abusive (made her take drugs as a child) she made a life completely on her own, supported herself and got a degree and masters. Despite how much her family failed her as sources of emotional and financial support they felt entitled to put their foot in the door and grub off of her. Frequently turning up at her apartment for no better reason than simply wanting a cheap holiday and a free place to stay at their daughter's expense. This is not unusual I've heard it many times over about mentally ill mothers they have the whats mine is mine and whats yours is mine philosophy.

Well now I'm faced with a similar quandary I've worked abroad for three years, I've been offered a job in a beautiful city I've always dreamt of living in and I'm moving there soon. Now don't get me wrong I am a natural hostess I LOVE having people to stay and have told everyone I know from my boss to my kindergarden teacher they can stay on my sofa bed for a weekend. However I know that my UBPD mother is going to try and occupy my apartment like a small country in her empire, like it's her free holiday home and it makes me angry because she never gives me any help yet she feels entitled to tuck into my spoils!

I have to try and maintain boundaries with her but I'm afraid that might involve having to be well really rude to her and completely ignoring her at times when she gets far too demanding. I've already got three different people staying with me and my boyfriend, I'm looking forward to it because I know they'll treat my home with respect. I can't keep the swarms of people who will want to stay with me locked out because my mother wants to lay around my apartment like queen muck and demand ten cups of tea a day but never once offer to wash a dish. I'm really looking forward to living a bit closer to my family but a bit nervous because it's going to make it much easier for her to visit me whenever she feels like it.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Zubi!   

As long as you do not give her a key, she cannot barge in and roost.

My mother, for so many years, insulted and whined and barked about my never giving her a key - they were 2 hrs away... . but she was known to take my sib's key and go in when this person was away and root around and then use one's housekeeping or lack thereof etc against him/her.

Uninvited guests are just that - they are NOT invited, hence they cannot come in... . hence they will have to find other accomodations or just not drive down at all... .

Ah, me too way back when... . "... . try and maintain boundaries with her but I'm afraid that might involve having to be well really rude to her... "

So... . BE RUDE... . just how rude is it to expect to show up on someone's doorstep not only unannounced but pretty aware someone doesn't want you nor your company on the premises - only entitled, rude, misbehaving people do that - it is like having someone's brat child run amok in your space... .

BE RUDE.

"I don't understand why I can't come, I'm your mother... . "

Zubi: Sorry, not going to discuss that with you... .

"Yes you damned well will I AM YOUR MOTHER" [I got that line all the time]

Zubi: You must not have heard me the first time - I will not discuss this with you.

Then DON'T.

JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain if I got it right.

Don't JADE.

Your space, your guests, your life. 

[Louise7777]

Hi Zubizou!

I have been through a similar situation somehow (not that bad, though): an uHPD/BPD relative showed up at my door (I wasnt home). We were never close, I dont even have her address... . And yet, since she´s so "friendly" and "sophisticated" (in her mind) I should be happy to open my home to her royal highness... . She tried other times and I disengaged from her. Of course she wasnt happy and the moment I got NC she got worse.

But the only way is to keep strong boundaries. They disrespect us and still, we struggle saying no. I can asure you, the first "no" is tough, the second one is a satisfaction... . You feel empowered and wonder why you hadnt done it before... .