Three steps forward, one step back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey my family,

I have been detaching pretty successfully over the last few weeks. Just a couple days ago I was commenting on my fellow BPDfam members' posts giving them hope. You know who you are - I hope you're all doing better!

Today is the day that I have to say I am feeling down and sad. Doc put me on some meds and they seem to mildly be helping with they're for. The side-effect though is that I am feeling quite sad, calm but sad, and I just could not stop thinking about my dBPDexgf today. I've been NC without a chance of ever breaking it. I am so set on it, that it's not going to happen even if I beg myself to .

But, the thoughts of her are tormenting me. There's the inevitable: ":)o I even cross her mond while I feel like cr*p?" The strange thing is that, being sad and focused on her, I was trying all day to think of the "good" moments even if I didn't really want to. And, you know what, I couldn't think of one moment that she somehow didn't manage to taint with a remark or a complication of some sorts... . There's also the: "I can't believe she didn't feel the slightest thing for me... . " Trash thinking... .

Ugh, I just wanted to get it off my chest and let my dear brothers and sisters in pain here know that I feel it too - being very set on NC and detachment is something incredibly hard and it is difficult to keep prying myself up. But, it's what I have to do... . And if you are set, persist.

I have to be honest to myself as well - I can't believe that I love someone who can't even love me... . If I didn't, she'd be long gone from my head. That's a problem that I am trying to get to the bottom of. But I want to take it as a man that most likely I am not even crossing her mind... .  That is the reason for sadness today. It is devastating me, I admit. Everything else I have mostly addressed, but that thought is still devouring me emotionally. I am taking it better than in the first few weeks, but the pain is still there... .

[coolioqq]

Hey my family,

I have been detaching pretty successfully over the last few weeks. Just a couple days ago I was commenting on my fellow BPDfam members' posts giving them hope. You know who you are - I hope you're all doing better!

Today is the day that I have to say I am feeling down and sad. Doc put me on some meds and they seem to mildly be helping with they're for. The side-effect though is that I am feeling quite sad, calm but sad, and I just could not stop thinking about my dBPDexgf today. I've been NC without a chance of ever breaking it. I am so set on it, that it's not going to happen even if I beg myself to .

But, the thoughts of her are tormenting me. There's the inevitable: ":)o I even cross her mond while I feel like cr*p?" The strange thing is that, being sad and focused on her, I was trying all day to think of the "good" moments even if I didn't really want to. And, you know what, I couldn't think of one moment that she somehow didn't manage to taint with a remark or a complication of some sorts... . There's also the: "I can't believe she didn't feel the slightest thing for me... . " Trash thinking... .

Ugh, I just wanted to get it off my chest and let my dear brothers and sisters in pain here know that I feel it too - being very set on NC and detachment is something incredibly hard and it is difficult to keep prying myself up. But, it's what I have to do... . And if you are set, persist.

I have to be honest to myself as well - I can't believe that I love someone who can't even love me... . If I didn't, she'd be long gone from my head. That's a problem that I am trying to get to the bottom of. But I want to take it as a man that most likely I am not even crossing her mind... .  That is the reason for sadness today. It is devastating me, I admit. Everything else I have mostly addressed, but that thought is still devouring me emotionally. I am taking it better than in the first few weeks, but the pain is still there... .

[sirensong65]

I just wrote you this long, detailed reply and WHOOSH... . it just disappeared.

I'm in the same boat and I have cried more today than I have in several weeks.  For the same reason.

How could they effect us SO profoundly and we had no effect on them at all.  I blows the mind.

I have never felt this way about anyone.  And no one understands it that is close to me.  Which also makes me feel more alone than ever before.

He's moved on, my friends and family think I have lost it, and I am just "here".

[willtimeheal]

Remember she is not capable of loving someone else because she doesn't even love or like herself. It has nothing to do with you. The battle she is fighting and the person she despises is herself.

[Narellan]

Coolioqq,   I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's a daily struggle isn't it? Actually some days more minute by minute struggle. Sometimes the grief and sadness comes out of nowhere. I've learned now just to feel it. It feels better after a good long cry. Tears from the bottom of what's left of our hearts and souls.

I've been happy a few times lately, during the past week and a lot if that happiness is due to you. And all my new friends on here, in this family. The periods of sadness and despair are lessening with time and NC. However a random movie I watched on sat night brought me to my knees sobbing. It was like watching my own life unfolding on the screen. The worst part was when one of the actors started screaming and crying " how could you do this to me" over and over to her best friend who had slept with her man behind her back. Arghhh the extreme pain I felt watching that scene. I don't get to yell at my ex friend due to my circumstances, but I so lived it out watching this through. And sobbed and sobbed. And today I feel lighter. A huge weight has been lifted with that release of tears.

Be kind to yourself today. Love yourself . We are all here for you. In fact I'm a bit bored today so will prob be on here for the next several hours if you feel like a chat xx

[Waifed]

Sorry you guys are having a tough day. Unfortunately recovery from this can be a slow, dynamic process.  The good news is you will recover and believe it or not you won't hurt or even give your ex much thought once you get there. After 8 months I am 95% there with rare  triggers setting me back less than a day at a time now.  I have become good friends with another poster on this site and after a year she is over her ex and even has contact with him. So, just be patient and don't feel bad about letting your feelings run their course. Always keep in mind that you WILL get over this and be happy again!

[Narellan]

Thank you waifed. Your post is very inspiring.

[LettingGo14]

Coolioqq,  Thank you for expressing eloquently why & how this is hard.   Our minds do torment us.  I heard a story in my meditation class today that I want to share with you.

Apparently, there was a study done with two groups of participants.   In the first group, the participants were told to put their arms into a bucket filled with ice and water and to endure the pain as long as they could.   With the second group, the participants were told to put their arms into the buckets filled with ice and water, and to open up to the sensation of feeling the cold and sensation.

According to the study, the second group fared better with the experience than the first group.   The lesson from the meditation teacher was clear:  if we can open our hearts to all experiences, especially painful ones, we can work our way through the experience.  

You're doing good work, my friend.  We're here for you.

[Emelie Emelie]

I am with you all.  Tonight marks the first time in 21 months that a week has gone by and we haven't talked or texted.  I suppose I should be proud... . seven days nc.  But I just feel profoundly sad.  Like it's really truly over for him. 

[Narellan]

Emilie that profound sadness is marking something very significant. I felt it a few weeks ago when I knew in my heart and soul it was truly finished. That I had nothing left to give. It's a turning point. And for me, it was a few days of total despair. I finally accepted there was no going back. And now three weeks on I'm starting to feel a lightness in me. There are still sad days, but the despair has dulled. And I have felt moments of happiness recently. And I actually posted on another thread just before sharing a funny story and I was laughing as I wrote it. No sadness at all. I can look at things now in our relationship and not be  depressed and overwhelmed with sadness.

Good for you going 1 week. You go girl 

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you Narellan.  I can't say that I feel that I am really done with  him.  I know I should be... . but I'm not there yet.  It just feels that he's really done with me.

[Narellan]

For me it was a deal breaker when I discovered he and my best friend had been chatting and flirting behind my back. I guess that was closure for me. Otherwise I'd still be in your shoes.

[cosmonaut]

I know how you feel, coolioqq.  It's a struggle every day to detach.  I still have daily ruminations about my ex and wonder how she is doing, if she's ok, if she thinks of me, if we could ever work things out, what I could have done differently or could do differently to achieve a different outcome, and on and on.  It really is hard.  It is for all of us.

I posted this in another thread, but I'll repost it here since it really did help me.  Last weekend I had reached out to my ex and I received an extremely cold reply: "This relationship is over.  Don't ever contact me again."  That set me back quite a bit, but I did something today that helped a lot.  I wrote a letter to my ex - a goodbye letter.  A letter where I said all the things that have been left unsaid to her.  I held nothing back - the good and the bad.  What I cherished about us and what I regretted.  I told her that I forgive her and I hope that she can forgive me my mistakes too.  That I hope that there can be peace and reconciliation between us.  I said everything that has been on my mind these past few months - all the things I have so badly wanted to tell her.  I wrote it all down, but I won't ever send it to her.  Just getting it out, however, was incredibly liberating.  It was cleansing.  Maybe a similar exercise might help you, especially since being in no contact we don't have the chance to say all of these things otherwise.

[trappedinlove]

Hang in there brother.  This is all part of the grief process.

This relationship was extremely important to you so it hurts so much to lose it; it is OK to feel this much pain.

Let it be.

Let go.

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Coolio,

Sorry your having a rough day. I relate to most of the things you mentioned in your post. Seems like torture sometimes, these thoughts of the past and trying to find some sort of understanding of what happened. I hope you feel better. You offer so much good advice here.

Peace,

AO

[Popcorn71]

There are up and down days for all of us.  I hope you are feeling better now.

I have the same questions and thoughts that you do.  My dad told me a while ago 'Stop thinking about him because he isn't thinking about you'.  I guess that's true but it's so difficult to get rid of the thoughts.

I find that going for a long walk in beautiful countryside helps.  I am also trying to make sure that I have something planned every weekend as this is the worst time for me.

I have found that I am starting to appreciate some of the positives that have come from not being in that relationship now.  I try to focus on this when I am feeling low.  Things are not all bad and I keep telling myself that things will get better.

You have our support 

[coolioqq]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies! I have been away from these boards for a while. I learned a whole lot about myself in the process. I still did not forget her and there are ups and downs but, with everything I learned in the meantime (it goes well beyond the usual BPD resources), I realized exactly why I miss her.

I hope all of you are doing fine with your detachment!

Thanks again 

[Tausk]

I'm sorry for the suffering that people are enduring.  Suffering, meaning unnecessary pain.  But I'm not really sorry for the pain that we all feel that promotes growth and joy.  Joy and sorrow are two sides of the same coin.  It's what makes me a human.

To know that I can have joy and find pleasure in acts that provide meaning to my life, including those acts that are intended to bring joy to other people.  I spent the day with my sister and her kids, and my mom.  It was beautiful.  Filled with grace.  My sister is on the spectrum of uBPD.  She's somewhat isolated herself and some of her behaviors are very self centered, and she doesn't recognize it.  But I do, and instead of shaming her, I do my best not to trigger her.  

I establish boundaries and remain mindful.  And her kids are wonderful.  She's actually a very good mom, so her behavior is not out of control.  

But I found both great joy and sorrow. Joy in my love for her and her children, but great sorrow in that I know that I am limited in how I can help my little sister.  

It's not the emotions that count.  Emotions such as pain, anger, sadness, happiness, joy... . they just are.  They are neutral.  It's my reaction to my emotions that determine if I grow and learn, or I digress.

I've found that expressing my emotional state here on the board, sharing with others, empathizing with others... . is one of the great responses to my emotions that I can engage.   It's brought me great insight, growth, experience, strength and hope.  

Thanks for sharing.  We've all been there.  Sharing on the board, is a great way to respond.  

And remember, we can be doing better than we feel.  

In gratitude,

T