I left...

[blondie34]

I don't know if it is the best or worst decision I have ever made.

It started first thing this morning. She was upset with something that I didn't do. She tried to talk to me calmly and express how she felt and why and truth be told, the second she asked me to close the door, I threw a tantrum like a 2 year old. I am embarrassed by my behaviour as it was uncalled for and completely not necessary, but all I could think was here we go again, the start of a marathon.

I haven't been the best gf, but I totally believe in my heart of hearts that I tried. I tried to be understanding of her and love her, I did screw up and I did trigger her probably more than I should have considering I know what her triggers are. I just couldn't be the punching bag anymore and I think that is why I took my bag and walked.

I am painted black often. Her life is miserable because of me, she's depressed because of me, I don't value her or respect her or care about her opinions. I don't give her what she wants or needs. She wants to die because she is so unhappy. I am controlling and everything has to be done my way. The list goes on.

She said she wanted me out of her life, stated that repeatedly and I know that is her pushing me away. She told me to leave, I packed my bag and the second I go to leave, it is me running away and taking the easy way instead of giving her what she needs from me.  I just got to a point of being so lost and not knowing what to do that I felt it was best if I left, at least for the night.

Well, by walking out this evening, I'm sure has ended the relationship. I know I have fed  into her abandonment fears, I know I hurt her greatly and I am sure she is very very angry and wants nothing to do with me.

I keep reading that things will never get better and I think that played in my decision partly tonight. I just really don't know how I feel. I don't know if I made the right decision.

[Hopeless777]

You are me... . I am you. I did that exactly two weeks ago and I'm up, but mostly down. Read my post " I've Been Punished Enough" for my story. I understand your concerns. You made the right decision I'm sure. I've recycled three times in the last year. I'm currently in therapy. I have a long way to go. But you have to stay strong and resilient. Hang in there. People on these boards are knowledgable and kind.

[Alex86]

It started first thing this morning. She was upset with something that I didn't do. She tried to talk to me calmly and express how she felt and why and truth be told, the second she asked me to close the door, I threw a tantrum like a 2 year old. I am embarrassed by my behaviour as it was uncalled for and completely not necessary, but all I could think was here we go again, the start of a marathon.

I think you acted like a logical human being who has suffered a lot from this r/s.

I haven't been the best gf, but I totally believe in my heart of hearts that I tried. I tried to be understanding of her and love her, I did screw up and I did trigger her probably more than I should have considering I know what her triggers are. I just couldn't be the punching bag anymore and I think that is why I took my bag and walked.

You did everything you could to make it work because of your love. As did a lot of people here. 

Why do you think that you haven't been the best gf? Is it because you have been made to believe it? 

Isn't that projection? Is it possible that your partner hasn't been the best?

I am painted black often. Her life is miserable because of me, she's depressed because of me, I don't value her or respect her or care about her opinions. I don't give her what she wants or needs. She wants to die because she is so unhappy. I am controlling and everything has to be done my way. The list goes on.

She said she wanted me out of her life, stated that repeatedly and I know that is her pushing me away. She told me to leave, I packed my bag and the second I go to leave, it is me running away and taking the easy way instead of giving her what she needs from me.  I just got to a point of being so lost and not knowing what to do that I felt it was best if I left, at least for the night.

It's not your fault! My ex had always been finding excuses to end the r/s. Many times I had argued for these in the most logical sense.

In the end, the list was never ending. It is beyond our powers.

Well, by walking out this evening, I'm sure has ended the relationship. I know I have fed  into her abandonment fears, I know I hurt her greatly and I am sure she is very very angry and wants nothing to do with me.

How much did she hurt YOU? Is it all about her? Aren't you an equal partner in this r/s? Please consider to respect yourself and your needs. Even we who are non BPD want a hug sometimes. 

May peace be with you.

[blondie34]

I think for the first time in a year I finally respected myself enough and followed my head instead of my heart.

And yes, I believe a lot of things because I have been made to believe them. I was damaged before I met her, my ex wife and best friend didn't exactly have a lot of inspiring, positive things to say to me when that relationship failed.

I know it is said to not take things personally as it is the BPD speaking and not her, but it is so hard.

If it is over, then it is over and there is nothing I can do about that. I can say right now, the emotions are obviously still fresh and I don't know what I want. I just know I don't want things to be as they are.

Either way, I believe I will need closure. I didn't have closure from my last relationship the way I needed it.

[Forestaken]

I think for the first time in a year I finally respected myself enough and followed my head instead of my heart.

Congratulations! Better to be alone than feel alone.