Hi Verbena,
first welcome to the staying board . While you believe - and I have no reason to think otherwise - that your H does not suffer from BPD it seems from your report that your H has acquired a number of behavioral problems. Some of them due to your lack of boundaries. And now that you have a healthier relationship with DD it becomes even more obvious and you feel you need to do something. From a practical point of view the Staying board may be a good companion for you to work through these relationship issues as they all sound quite familiar... .
Now my focus is on my almost 32-year marriage to her father, who is also the father of my 24 year old son. I don't actually believe my H is BPD though he does have some traits. They are... .
*extremely negative
*lots of anger; appears to be angry even when he may not be
* is never wrong and NEVER apologizes
*has zero insight into his own behavior; does not see himself as others see him
*very critical; nothing is ever good enough
*miserable to be around
*will not respond to most of what I say to him but often claims he that he DID answer me and exactly what he said (this is very concerning as he seems to really believe words came out of his mouth when they did not)
*flies into a rage if noises in the house bother him while he's trying to sleep
*has very little or nothing to say to neutral or positive comments I make but enjoys discussing negative topics (like current events) and will get loud and angry very quickly
My H can be pleasant, agreeable, almost animated around others. With me, he speaks in a flat, monotone voice. We have had separate bedrooms for about five years; there is zero physical contact. We essentially live as roommates who don't much care for each other. All of the above issues came out almost immediately after we married. I tried for years to understand him and please him. It can't be done. He chooses misery. :)ivorce is not an option at the moment although I am thinking it may be in the near future.
I cannot believe I have tolerated his behavior this long, and I don't want to do that anymore. For example, we had company last weekend and after a day of being perfectly nice and "normal" around them, he had one of his little temper fits when I made noise opening the door to the bedroom where he was sleeping. I am hoping our company sleeping across the hall did not hear him, but who knows. This is a behavior that goes back at least 25 years. He will be trying to sleep and someone/some thing disturbs him. He jerks open the bedroom door, yells/screams, and slams the door. He only yelled the other night; if he had slammed a door I feel certain our guests would have heard him.
Anyway, that was it for me. I wrote him an e-mail telling him what happened, how I was trying to be quiet (as I always do because I know what will happen if I don't) and how it's not okay anymore for him to behave this way. He obviously read the e-mail (I checked) and he has said nothing to me abou it. In fact, he isn't really speaking to me since.
In the past month, I have started asking him if he hears me or why he won't respond when I speak to him. He can't seem to be bothered responding even though he hates it when people do that to him. He seems shocked that I have insisted he answer me. Now, since the e-mail about the temper fit Saturday night, he is actually responding to what little I have said to him. I consider that a small improvement. However, he has said virtually nothing to me otherwise.
With a grandbaby coming, I am thinking of discussing his anger with him again. (I have done this many times, and he gets angry telling me he is not angry.) When our kids were little, both of them (but dd more because she was so sensitive) would come to me and ask why their daddy was mad, what he was mad about, etc... As they got older, they asked less but continued to make comments about it or rolled their eyes at how he acted.
I will NOT have my grandchild come to me wanted to know what is wrong with grandpa and why he is mad all the time. And my H needs to know that.
You explain he is not listening much and you lacked boundaries. Some of what you describe sounds like he may be depressed. Some of what you describe (flat tone of voice, explosive reaction when disturbed) sounds like there is a lot of emotional tension within him.
I've underlined a few of your statements - please review. It sounds like you want to discuss and solve problems through negotiations and by telling him. This may be perceived by him as controlling, invalidating and for that reason resisted. You are dealing with a depressed and highly stressed individual. Pointing out problems as much as you are right are not going to solve much more than this "problem solving" is adding to the heap of problems. Changes to such behavior is best brought through (in order of frequency and priority):
1 Boundaries under your control.
1 Plenty of validation (a healthy marriage has a validating vs invalidating message ratio of 5:1 or better - distressed relationships are much lower), avoid invalidating.
2 Targeted use of SET where it truly matters. SET is not for asking someone to change, SET is not to be used to control - that would be passive aggressive.
3 Confident and limited use of DEARMAN to request behavioral changes.
Any thoughts on how to approach this? I feel I have finally been able recently to speak up against what I consider emotional abuse from him. I would like to say he is getting the picture that I am fed up, but he doesn't see his own behavior so that's probably not what he's thinking at all.
Sharing your emotions and anger at times can be healthy. It also can be validating considering that your relationship is distressed. Validation of negative emotions and situations is immensely important and for most of us it does not come natural to express negative stuff. The best way to express your own negative emotions at times when you are calmer and are able to plan what you say is using SET with T being your emotions and E being his current emotions.
