Getting support

[AlphaClare]

Hi

Not up to speed with all those emoticons offered to me - have enough emotion here at home, don't need to add symbols of it.

My adult daughter has all the tendencies of BPD and has had them since her teens. She is now 32, working in a stressful job, living alone, but every time she visits us we narrowly (and not always) avoid a fight or flare-up. We (my husband and I) received support from a specialist psychologist who confirmed those tendencies and suggested she be evaluated by a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist did not confirm the diagnosis. In the meantime we've had to cope with her physical violence, suicide threats, (for example to throw herself out of the moving car, or leap off her apartment balcony), self-medicating with alcohol, and ongoing high levels of anxiety. We struggle to keep validating her feelings but are becoming increasingly worried at her denial of any problem (she is becoming very socially isolated as people can't bear her paranoia and anxious requirement that things be her way). She is now at the age of wanting to marry and have children but has had no recent love relationships. I have some insight ( perhaps not much) as I'm a social worker, and I want to sit her down and own that I might have caused her 'anxious tendencies' by staying with her dad despite high levels of marital conflict. I want to normalise her state and say it isn't her fault, just a product of a conflict-laden home life (being simplistic to make it not her fault). I want to be open with her about how she could get help and live more normally if she could try some medication/ anxiety-relieving lifestyle changes, and learn some tools for moderating her outbursts. What do you think of my idea?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[maxen]

hi Alphaclare and 

i'm so sorry for your daughter's situation, and your own too. the dedication that parents show to their BPD children is a constant source of inspiration. i'm gad you found out site! we have a wealth of resources and an active community of posters, including many with children with BPD, who are ready to listen and to help.

there seem to be two issues in your OP: how to support your child with BPD, and how to broach to her that she has emotional issues that need to be addressed. has she accepted that this is the case? we have resources for both of these. Helping a Loved-One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment, and What can a parent do? would be good places to start. we also have a board dedicated to parenting a child with BPD, Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD. there you will many others who are facing the same questions that you are facing now.

may i ask, how are you bearing up? do you have friends or family who can lend an ear or even some help? please keep posting Alphaclare!

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, AlphaClare & I'd like to join maxen in welcoming you to this site. His links are very good, and I encourage you to check them out. Something else you might want to read before you mention (if you were planning to) your daughter's symptoms and behaviors is PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD.

I do think it's a good thing for you to have the compassionate, validating conversation regarding your insights into your own behaviors and part in the Mom/Daughter relationship. Have you read the book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr? In it she gives a little statement regarding this type of thing. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I think that could be a good introduction to such a heartfelt conversation that you are thinking of, and I've used it myself (verbatim!) twice with one of my undiagnosed BPD loved ones in emails (maybe 6 months apart). It really did break the ice the 2nd time, and paved the way for us to be more honest and open with each other and that relationship is doing very well right now (it's been about a year now since that took place).

I hope that the information that maxen and I have given you are helpful in some way for your plans... .Can you let us know what you think of those links? And keep us in the loop for how it all turns out with your daughter? We'd really love to know, AlphaCare... .

[HealingSpirit]

Hi AlphaClare.

I'd like to join Maxen and Rapt Reader to our not so little family!

Not up to speed with all those emoticons offered to me - have enough emotion here at home, don't need to add symbols of it.

  You made me laugh!  How wonderful and encouraging that you are keeping your sense of humor amidst the pain and heartache you've been dealing with over your DD.   (In case you change your mind, all you have to do is mouse click on the emoticon you want and it inserts the code for it right into the post.  It took me a while to figure out that you can't see the actual emoticon until AFTER you hit the "Post" button.)

My DD is 17 and was recently diagnosed with BPD after a severe cutting event landed her in the mental hospital for a 3-day hold.  So I understand the fear, the pain, confusion and frustration you've been living with.  When I first came to this site, I was exhausted and in despair because I didn't know what to do and I felt so alone.  The resources and support here are wonderful!  I'm so glad you found us.

I want to normalise her state and say it isn't her fault, just a product of a conflict-laden home life (being simplistic to make it not her fault). I want to be open with her about how she could get help and live more normally if she could try some medication/ anxiety-relieving lifestyle changes, and learn some tools for moderating her outbursts. What do you think of my idea?

Your heart is in a great place!  And I think you're ahead of the game because you have already been validating your DD's feelings.  She might be much worse off than she is if you hadn't developed those skills as a social worker.   I think I would read the links Maxen and Rapt Reader already gave you before you talk to her though.  Why re-invent the wheel?  There are already tools and resources that have been found to work.  Why not give them a try?  I can tell you're a very loving mom since you're so willing to take some responsibility for your DD's pain.  That's a HUGE step toward healing.  I don't think you "caused her anxious tendencies" though.  Marital conflict by itself does not cause BPD in children, or we'd all have the disorder.  I'll bet, if you look back at her life, the anxious tendencies were always present.  My own DD exhibited signs of anxiety (nail biting and picking at small wounds) when she started Kindergarten, only I didn't realize that's what it was until school was out and I had to trim her nails for the first time in a year and the scratches and bug bites finally healed.  Since that time, my DD has had anxiety and stress from situations and events that would not cause distress for someone less sensitive.  Has your DD always had trouble dealing with stress?  Does it seem like there is always some kind of stress in her life?

Please tell us how your conversation goes!  I'm so glad you joined us!