Does your BPD Partner allow your friends and family in your life? Mine doesn't

[Chapter8]

My partner does not trust, like or want my friends or family in our lives, he believes I will act like them, cheat on him and that were all out to get him, This is not the case, totally opposite, if he could embrace them then we would be a lot happier.

He is trying to make little steps for us, but I still take the brunt of his fears and emotions about it, we hear the same thing week in and week out, my friends and family are banned from our home, we live on a farm and I am unable to share this with anyone who loves me! Its always his friends and family!

They would be amazed and happy for me, not thinking he's horrible and an abuser, if they saw how happy we are at home then they would see that! However, we are far from happy when he is splitting or projecting his fears onto me. I am becoming more vocal when I see fit and I listen to him regardless of what he is saying!

I suppose I don't feel secure in my home, I don't feel that it belongs to me as well, as there is a danger he will refer to it as his house and that I just live here and do the choirs!

It all just hurts me, very sensitive, hurts because I know he doesn't trust me, he does not believe in me at all! I am the devil and so are my friends and family.

Has anyone been through this with their relatives and friends? The torment of seeing them or speaking to them? Does your BPD Partner hate you for having them in your life? I think I'm asking because I need to know its not just me!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[empathic]

Not just you. My wife views my family (dropped contact with most friends long ago) in a weird way, because she can be disappointed that they don't visit us enough or babysit our children enough - yet it's her very own behaviour that has driven them away. She seems to have some issues with envy regarding my sister, she can't stand it if someone does fun things, or buys something nice, when she can't/won't.

It's a pity, because it could have been so good if just that part of life had been working OK. It used to be a lot better before, she even talked to my mother on the phone now and then. Now, like you say, they are treated like the devil.

It's also self-reinforcing as I learnt just the other night while talking to my wife. She now thinks we're "faking" that we're having a good relationship when meeting with my sister, and she claims that's one reason she does not want to meet them. But her not meeting them makes the relationship a lot worse for me. Catch 22.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

My uBPDw always tells me she feels like everyone is excluding her.  It's both our second marriages (I think this site needs a Board on Blended Families... . ) so there's 45+ years of memories we each have from before we got married.

I don't talk to my family as much anymore, because the interrogations afterwards are so exhausting.  I drew the line at my S23, telling her that I won't relay everything and anything we talk about should he ask me to keep something in confidence.  It's a week of agony with her when I do something with just me and my son, but that was something I recognized as non-negotiable even before learning about BPD.

[OnceConfused]

Isolation is one of the strategies BPD employs in the effort to keep you from abandonding them. This story is very much heard over and over again from many posters here.

Within days of knowing the xBPDgf, I began to feel the hidden pressure of isolation. I did not know what it was until after I read posts and books about BPD. Initially I thought she was just shy and reserved and just shrugged it off my shoulder but as time went on the pressure intensified. For example,

1. I would come to her house to pick her up for  dancing dates, but she was not ready and eventually we ended up staying at her house.

2. We visited my old friend family and within an hour she began making negative comments about my friend's wife.

3. She would call me , knowing that I was in the middle of my golf league, and if I did not pick up the phone, all hell would break lose and the threat of breaking up ensued.

4. I was in the middle of a long conversation with a school board about my child's problem at school, and from her bed room which was 10 ft away, she called me to interrupt my call.

Luckily for me, I discovered her BPD with the help of a professional T (I had to seek professional T because she got me so confused after only 4 weeks of r/s).  Had I stayed with her, I could have lost my children, my health and my business.

To deal with BPD, I think you have to stand up for yourself. Don't acquiesce like many of the nons here, because their stories are filled with suffering, life in limbo, not feeling complete and happy.

Do things and acitivities that make you happy, regardless of the threat and the yelling. Otherwise, you will continually suffer and one day on your death bed, you will wonder what the meaning of your life is.

For me, I contemplate the question: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE.  The answer to this will drive your decisions and actions . It has helped me :

a. Living much simpler

b. Living much fully and with a purpose

c. Living with happiness. (you cannot give happiness if you are not happy. You cannot give what you don't have)

d. Stay healthy - mentally and physically

e. Take things lightly and best of of all - LET GO

True love is to let the person whom you love, be perfectly the way they are and not try to change them to your own image. If you truly love your husband then let him be who he is, if who he is, is not matched with your path, then be prepared to let go. I often wonder if BPD truly love their SO, because BPD really tries hard to change us, to make us conform to their own image of who we should be. Perhaps that is why many of the nons feel NOT BEING LOVED by BPD.

[Chapter8]

Hi, thank you for your responses! What good advice! It sounds like its all down to me standing up for my values, like spending time with my mother and sister even if they are the devil and I'm going to get days of his illness bashing me into the ground, I need a way to stop the rages about this problem he has. He knows that he should allow my family and friends into my life but when he sees them as cheats, liars, over the top sexy women (at 60, is over the top) he then thinks I become one of them! He can't ever accept that when I'm with them I'm totally normal, like I would be at home, there is no funny business going on as he may think, I understand that this is his fear that I'm with my family or friends and I won't come back home? I believe this is his ultimate fear, as well as me cheating etc!

I really want him to take some responsibility for his lack of self esteem, I don't make him feel ugly etc, he feels he is, so that opens up more worries about my F&F because he thinks they see his flaws as he does, that he is disgusting, vile, ugly etc. They don't, they just want to see me happy, but if they don't see me or hear from me then they become worried and worried for me and my safety, as everyone knows we need friends and family, they make us, they give us a purpose as well as your loved one! He is trying, small steps, however when we have taken them before, it gets too much and he melts and has the worst episode possible! We don't like that when that happens, its painful to watch knowing he is going through torture and pain! Im very lucky and don't let pain or fears overcome in me, I almost stop thinking about them, I can block them out apart from the words he uses towards me, the put downs, I wish I could not take them personally, even though I know its not him, its Jekyll and Hide, it hurts so much to hear horrible distrust and doubt in his words because its directed at me, its hard to block it out! I don't get lost anymore in the spiral of BPD, the rages, I do know its not me and that I haven't started it, I'm being calm, I'm validating well, he just can't stop, sometimes for days! I guess your right, I'm a non BPD filled with suffering sometimes and my life is in Limbo! I want my life back, I'm doing all I can whilst running a farm and our home and keeping a check on myself as well as him.

Its always a catch 22, that no win situation that the world of Non's live in!  :'(

[zeromoogle]

It goes back and forth, really.  He has gotten mad at me when I spend too much time away from my family, but when I'm at my mom and dad's house, he's calling me asking me when I'm coming home.  I usually just tell him that I'll be home at the agreed time.

[thicker skin]

Hi Bean,

In response to your question, the short answer is no.

I've had some lovely friends, some a little bit dodgy ( in my youth ) some old, young, gay, straight, male and female. Without exception, they were all faulty, sleeping with me, liars and immoral. Actually, I lie... . My grandad was acceptable.

Make your life. Keep your friends. Don't let go if your family. It's a healthy choice and a healthy man would want that for you.

If you isolate yourself and become completely immersed in his world, you'll be lost.

[HopefulDad]

You know you're turning a corner in your own self-help when the questions change... .

When: ":)oes your BPD partner allow your friends and family in your life?  Mine doesn't."

Becomes: ":)oes your BPD partner dysregulate when you spend time with your friends and family?  Mine does."

The difference is huge.

[mace17]

I never even saw this until recently.  I kind of realized that I had no friends left and that I mostly just stayed home.  While trying to figure out why I didn't have any friends left, it dawned on me that it was because of my H, although its been a very subtle process. He would always complain about my friends after they left, and when they were at our house he would ignore them to the point of being rude.  They felt uncomfortable and started avoiding coming around.  If I went to visit a friend, I would get a guilt trip that he was being neglected.  I didn't even realize it was happening until one day I realized I hadn't seen any of my friends in a long time.  I tried hanging out with his oldest daughter for awhile, but he would grill her about what we had been doing and eventually she didn't want to hang out with me either because she didn't want to be interrogated by her dad. 

[earthgirl]

My uhwBPD dislikes all of my friends. I try to talk to them only when he's not around.  It's just easier that way.  When I text my best friend, I often erase the texts, even though they are completely innocent, just so I won't have to deal with the 40 questions from him.  I insist on my friendships (I'm learning that if I cave on things that are important to me, I seethe with resentment, which damages our relationship more than does his anger at me for standing my ground), but because he dislikes them so much, I can't shake the feeling that talking to them is somehow wrong or naughty, like flirting with the opposite sex or something.   

[StayOrLeave15]

My uBPDgf comes from a very close family, so she does encourage me to spend time with them a lot.  She is also very, very sensitive to what my parents say or think about her, and always wants me to tell her. 

As far as friends go, it may be too early to tell about my male friends, but it seems like female friends are out of the question.  I am a guy who is friends with a lot of females, and there are not any weird sexual undertones or history with them or anything like that.  But every time a female's name pops up on my phone, FB, etc., there is going to be an argument. 

We've been together six months, and it has been a whirlwind. I've been so close with her and we've spent so much time together, I've hardly seen my friends (males, that is - females seem out of the question).  But our daily schedules are changing in such a way now that I will have more time free to spend with friends and she will have less time to spend with me, so I am very curious to see how things go... .

[thicker skin]

I am 23 years in. I didn't know what BPD was or what healthy relationships looked like. I thought it was me... .

My partner couldn't have friends, or so he said, because they all wanted to sleep with me. My friends were and are only my friends, because they want to sleep with me. To this day, he still holds those beliefs, but he now calls it my BPD/npd.

How ironic. I'm too mentally ill to be trusted. I've got humanitis, in my opinion, but I'm probably lying. If I wasn't so mental, I'd be able to see things the way he does. My thinking is warped, as I've been told.

[formflier]

Do you think he would agree to go in with you and both of you get MMPI testing done.  And other evaluations?

I've always found it fascinating to watch my uBPDw declare she is stone cold sober... . not the crazy one... . and then refuse evals and testing.

This has recently changed as she is going to individual therapy with our family T.  Fingers are crossed.


My logic says... . if you have nothing to hide... . go show it.

I am 23 years in. I didn't know what BPD was or what healthy relationships looked like. I thought it was me... .

My partner couldn't have friends, or so he said, because they all wanted to sleep with me. My friends were and are only my friends, because they want to sleep with me. To this day, he still holds those beliefs, but he now calls it my BPD/npd.

How ironic. I'm too mentally ill to be trusted. I've got humanitis, in my opinion, but I'm probably lying. If I wasn't so mental, I'd be able to see things the way he does. My thinking is warped, as I've been told.

[thicker skin]

Btdt Firmflier ... . 3 different psychiatrists and a handful of psychiatric nurses.

The upshot was, from his psychiatrist, that my partner would never accept that he has a problem and would always say it was me.

If two people have different recollections of past events, to the extreme, not just silly things, then one of you has a problem... . I figured if it was possible in him, it followed that it could be me and I didn't know it. Who wants to stay that much in denial and wreck a family? I just wanted things to be better and would have accepted anything I was diagnosed with.

Because the psychiatrist feared for my safety, he didn't share his findings with my partner. I'd rather they'd have told him. Ten tonnes of Hell being kicked out of me is preferable to mind games and amateur psychiatry.

[formflier]

Yeah... . I keep reading over and over that "the truth" is kept from the pwBPD.  Not sure if that is a good idea. 

Seems like enabling them to keep claiming that their version is right. 

Step 1 to change is realizing you need to change... . they have short circuited that... . by denying them step 1.

I'm sure there are more senior people here with different perspective on why keep the condition a secret... . I would like to understand this more.

Btdt Firmflier ... . 3 different psychiatrists and a handful of psychiatric nurses.

The upshot was, from his psychiatrist, that my partner would never accept that he has a problem and would always say it was me.

If two people have different recollections of past events, to the extreme, not just silly things, then one of you has a problem... . I figured if it was possible in him, it followed that it could be me and I didn't know it. Who wants to stay that much in denial and wreck a family? I just wanted things to be better and would have accepted anything I was diagnosed with.

Because the psychiatrist feared for my safety, he didn't share his findings with my partner. I'd rather they'd have told him. Ten tonnes of Hell being kicked out of me is preferable to mind games and amateur psychiatry.

[thicker skin]

Step 1 in progress Form... .

My boundaries are quite firm.

No more doormat.

I am not bending.

I'd also love to know why they aren't told... . It's made l

[thicker skin]

Sorry... . It's made life very difficult!

[live4today]

I understand where you are coming from.  I've been with my DSOwBPD for 32 years and first half of our relationship or longer she would get upset when I tried to have a friend or speak with my Mother or Sister on the phone.  She would accuse me of something going on between me and any new friend I was trying to establish.  Part of the problem I felt was that she was estranged from her family not to mention having BPD which was diagnosed in the past 3 years.  I believe it was her losing all friends she had at one point and not understanding why when she was such a giving person.  I would agree she was very generous and giving but she was trying to buy everyone's love and friendship.  This pushed her to go to psychologist that was the first she liked and could work with.  I see her working now to improve how she is with others.  I will continue to have some friends of my own and have the courage now to do so and not let her stop me.  I think what helps is that we both go to therapy and with my self esteem being on the low side, I also have a therapist that helps me as well. Hope this helps.