Continuation: seen her new boyfriend - self help

[blueman54321]

Nothing new today. Except I have blocked her from Facebook.

I still think about her, that's only natural, the way things ended means that I'll never get complete closure from her unless I take it myself and that takes time. This is intended of course and true for all BPD breakups.

I do not like her anymore, in fact she disgusts me. But I do miss the way things were, and who she was during a lot of our time together, although I have to accept that fact that she wasn't actually real and the whole thing was a disorder.

That is hard.

It's easy to get lost in thinking that her behaviour and her ability to shut down and be so cruel is her way of dealing with things, and to forgive. But at some point you have to either realise that it wasn't, and her disorder runs her and will forever, or that it doesn't really matter anyway, as the point is she did hurt me, she did damage me, when she was supposed to have loved me and cared for me, and been my soul mate, etc etc.

She ran, she got scared and she will never look back, she only falls on me when there is no one else, and she's always been short of friends, because she is very selfish.

She hasn't dealt with our breakup, she still misses me, yet will not admit that again. Last Monday she broke down and told me a lot of stuff like that, that went some way to validating me that she is dysfunctional, and she hurt me because of it and that I am right in her behaviour and her latching on to guys. It helped a lot in transfering internal blame on to her and ridding myself of her toxicity. But, as I say I do still think of her, at night, it comes and goes and gets easier to deal with.

Co-incidentally her only friend (apart from a bunch of guys she keeps enmeshed who follow her through the years on Facebook) is someone she met recently who also has BPD.

She will fall on her arse, she always does, change it hard for the best of us, and she has no hope, and it's showing. She is worse off than ever before and making it worse by the day.

She's on her own journey now, I won't let her use me for advice, or to offload, or anything, that's not my job now and she is making mistakes already, and quite frankly she is more lost than ever.

She lost the best thing that ever happened to her, she even admitted this, and it isn't coming back.

I have new sights, new goals and I look to the future, but I give myself time, a lot of time. I'm 30 now and I'm giving myself 2 years to turn myself around, while she is stuck in this eternal rut.

I am driven, I wasted nearly 5 years with her, some of it was good, very good, in fact at times, especially in the beginning I felt like I was floating in space, in a bubble of ectasy. But the bad times came swift, and escalated, it was one thing after another and eventually I lost myself.

Now I determined to find myself, and my happiness, and that's all that matters.

Recently I have been thinking and feeling that the time we spent together was simply a stepping stone for her, while I gave her what she needed. I think this is because it's hard to believe the things she said and the deep love she said she had for me. I believe the marriage proposals and baby nagging were a part of her disorder, and were for the wrong reasons, in fact I've always thought this and why I never said yes.

It's easy to think like this because of the breakup, and I think we probably all feel like this.

In saying that though, that is what BPD's do, they feed, and lie. Either way it doesn't matter. It felt true at the time and that is what I've dealt with, the only way I know how, and I never knew how, but something inside me is working it out slowly.

This is one of the songs she insisted I listen to, saying she thinks about me and listens to it and cries...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-D0_AV_rHo

Talk about trying to suck me back in... I had my guard up that night, but I nearly fell a few times. Just to add weight to this we always used to communicate with songs, from the beginning.

We spent 2 hours on the phone and many more on Facebook chat after. (I entertained her but I kept my distance emotionally as I've been through this bull enough since we broke up.) I knew what was coming next, but it still hurt.

The next day, I was the bad guy, she was cold as ice, and I knew she had got back with someone. She had.

[LostGhost]

Hey blueman, thanks for the message. I appreciate it. I've followed your story because you have expressed every emotion possible. It's like watching the progression of survival. You seem stronger now and in power. She must be losing her grasp and fears that.

I posted my story on the introduction board but it's still in the early stages. I'm still delusional enough to hope she'll come back. I haven't traveled through the fog yet. I don't resent her at this point in time. I'm still very much in love. She hasn't been obviously cruel to me yet, but who knows what she says behind my back or what new relationships she's started for herself while neglecting to know the pain this is all causing to me.

When my last relationship ended, I had to look at pictures of my wife with other guys on her phone. Horrible, disgusting and mentally damaging things that has scarred me for life. My BPDex rescued me from that pain and literally saved my life... . but now somehow this pain feels twice as damaging. I suppose because of how they give you the world and make you feel like a God. They are whatever you want them to be, your dream girl. That's powerful for a man who has hit rock bottom. Like inhaling the splendour of the universe in one massive breath and coming to believe you will never have to exhale again. But when you finally do, you lose part of who you were. They take it with them and add it to the mosaic of their "identity" to lure others.

This mental disorder is insidious. How did such a thing come to exist in the human experience? They fear abandonment so they abandon you before you can do it to them. But before they do, they fool you into believing you finally found your soulmate and your life is complete, they will never betray you or hurt you. You look into their sweet innocent eyes and believe every word, not realizing you're falling into a black hole you will never escape.

When you were in the best phase of the relationship, did you find yourselves mirroring them too? Matching their enthusiasm and euphoria? I did... . I thought I found a new me that didn't exist before, that I was manifesting the best version of me. And for me it was genuine, not an act. Imagine if they didn't eventually abandon you or paint you black. But now I feel... . like there is a leak in me and no matter what I am doing to patch it up, I'm losing more of myself each day that passes and she's not here.

[LettingGo14]

... . rescued me from that pain and literally saved my life... .

LostGhost -- you write a powerful statement that completely resonates with me.  I entered my relationship with my ex-girlfriend after difficult marriage/divorce, and felt "saved" in so many ways.  But, in the end, I was left writhing in pain like a strung out addict looking for another fix.

That said, I offer you this -- we have the power within us to "save" ourselves.  I am learning, albeit through devastation, that peace comes from within.  The love I had came from me -- the pain I held came from me -- the ups and downs come from me.

But now I feel... . like there is a leak in me and no matter what I am doing to patch it up, I'm losing more of myself each day that passes and she's not here.

As an alternative perspective, and as a fledgling Buddhist, I encourage you to re-frame the sense of leaking self.   "Self" is a concept that contains many aspects (father, son, brother, friend, employee, student, etc).   We often take our pain personally and feel as if we are broken.   In my view now, we are not broken, instead we dissociate to protect who we think we are, or were.   Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun says, "You are the sky.  Everything else is the weather."    I offer that you are not losing yourself.  Instead, the weather is changing, and you remain the sky, with all of the capacity to love and exist that you had in your relationship.  You don't lose that, at all.  I'm sure of it.

It's late and maybe this is too metaphorical.  But, you write powerfully, and I want you to know there is hope, and that you are not alone, or leaking.

[LostGhost]

LettingGo14,

Thank you for your message. A fledgling Buddhist you may be but your words of wisdom are inspirational and sage advice. A strung out addict is exactly how I am feeling. There's an insatiable yearning inside. I don't even necessarily crave the idealization phase... . I must miss her being around, her smile, the touch of her hand, the sound of her voice. The grandiosity was amazing but I find myself missing the little things the most like cuddling on the couch catching up on episodes of the walking dead or game of thrones.

Sounds like you were thrown into turbulent times and are surviving the ordeal my friend. That should give strength to others here.

Your metaphor about the sky and changing weather is very poignant. It's a lesson I will try to take to heart and remember in difficult times. I wish I could pass that influence on to my exBPDgf. Her emotions are so hypersensitive when a negative thought, situation or feeling occurs. It's crippling to her I know. She says she's a "bad person, broken, nobody loves her"... . the same words many of you have all heard before from your relationships. For her to know that no matter what happens in life, no matter how dire the circumstances... . she remains the sky. That's a powerful opportunity to grow and to find strength. I think the message would be lost on her but I might try to impart that wisdom in the letter I write her. It can't hurt.

[blueman54321]

Ok so today her relationship fell through, although she is trying to fix it I can guess. Well actually it fell through a few days ago. He thought she was childish (oh hell how he hit on the mark here). And she lost the plot and abused him and walked out. She is currently on a dating website again, I believe trying to make him jealous.

Today we actually talked about our relationship, it was amazing, we talked more concisely than ever before, there were a few trigger moments but I navigated away from them. We talked about the last year, how we felt, what went wrong, what was wrong. She tried the blame game a few times but as usual I had to calve a mutual path through it, like I always do.

We actually talked a bit last night too, on the phone even, I tried to keep things civil but she can't help overstepping the boundaries. She was furious about my lady friend, she kept bugging me to tell her about her and send photo's, of which I kept saying it's not healthy and it doesn't matter. I was not trying to make her jealous, I was adamantly trying to keep it strictly friendly and not mention our other halves because I don't think it was appropriate.

She has started taking her citoloprams which clearly has helped.

She has been dropping not so subtle hints that she is jealous of my new lady friend.

Today she dropped the ball. She accused her of being a homewrecker, to which I replied "homewrecker?" On a message client.

And she said "Well it doesn't matter now".

I said nothing, she said nothing, and 20 minutes later I witness a motorbike crash and call an ambulance.

The next thing was I told her what happened and that I'm in a bit of shock. The only thing she says is "goodnight". And that was it.

I truly believe her BPD drives her and although she may feel this way at the current moment, or a few days ago, this changes in the drop of a hat depending on her circumstances.

I didn't play up to this, I'm far too wise now, I'm not letting her in to try to destroy me again. Besides, what can be salvaged now with resentment and downright hatred after her behaviour. Yes I am her friend, and I will always treasure the good times with her, but I won't be her f**king mule or her 2nd option? more like 6th or 7th?

In the words of some wise man somewhere, f**k that.

She sent me some pictures, I told her not too, and she sent more, she is looking hot and all done up.

Help me out here, how am I supposed to be feeling, because I think I got the complete validation I needed tonight, I know I was right all along, I know she was wrong. And I think she knows she dropped the ball tonight, hence her resolute goodnight. Was I seeing true feelings here? A moment of clarity on her part? I know she is jealous, is it just jealousy? Does she want what she can't have? Or does she simply want me to adorn over her, particularly in this time of need?

She also messaged me earlier today requesting me send her her C.V. I knew this was bogus, I knew it the moment I received the text at work. She was thinking of me.

Have I managed to get the upper foot here? I took away her power by not caring. And now I don't care, I can't see a future for us. I don't think I'd ever want to feel that way again when it all went sour, and she hurt me beyond believe.

I met the most beautiful girl of my life recently, and although I have a lady friend, this did me thinking that their are so many possibilities out there, so many beautiful, charismatic, loving, ladies out there that why would I ever want to go back to that train wreck? Don't get me wrong I care for her, I want her to do well, she was special to me, but to be in that position again? I really wouldn't want that. I sacrificed too much for her already and I was repayed with more emotional pain that I could take, I am still on medication because of it. But in a twisted way, that gave me the energy, it gave me the pain, to really change myself, and I continue to change and I continued to drive forward. With her, I feel that will go, and I'll dragged back into the toxic mud from which I was stuck for too long.

She ran once, she made it clear from her actions after that, that she has BPD and consequently she cannot love anyone properly, it is misguided, untrue love, shoved in my face as the real deal, and swiftly turned to hate and torture when she saw fit. I would never treat anyone like that, especially someone I supposedly cared so much for, someone I spent nearly half a decade with, even if things went sour, out of respect alone I wouldn,t, let alone all the other stuff.

There will likely be an excuse for that one moment of truth? That one sentence. Tomorrow.

But her behaviour and the things she has said recently has led up to this, in a way I knew it was coming, but I never knew she would make it so obvious.

She still loves me, because she hasn't dealt with my loss, and will never do, latching onto one guy after another isn't working out, and she knows what she has lost. And she has lost it.

Momentus. *Edit* (But probably fleeting, but I got it:))