Father's Day

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So for those members that have gotten through a significant holiday, I was looking for a little insight.

A month ago my BPD father decided to rage and become completely irrational over a ill perceived comment.  Since that time he continues to run a smear campaign against my husband and myself, has given us the complete silent treatment, made crazy self harm threats and the list goes on and on.  He has been stalking my children's youth sports practices and games so he can make it clear that he is if reeling us out.

He has told my mother that it's all my fault that his life is a mess and that I have ruined all future holidays for him (I always host).  He has stated that he will not forgive either of us and will never be around us again for the rest of his life. 

Now I certainly don't intend to purchase a Father's Day gift - although I'm sure he is hoping I will so he can reject it - but how does everyone deal with special days?

I don't have the luxury of not being around him at all because my relationship with my mother is good and I don't want to lose that.

[TheBees]

So for those members that have gotten through a significant holiday, I was looking for a little insight.

A month ago my BPD father decided to rage and become completely irrational over a ill perceived comment.  Since that time he continues to run a smear campaign against my husband and myself, has given us the complete silent treatment, made crazy self harm threats and the list goes on and on.  He has been stalking my children's youth sports practices and games so he can make it clear that he is if reeling us out.

He has told my mother that it's all my fault that his life is a mess and that I have ruined all future holidays for him (I always host).  He has stated that he will not forgive either of us and will never be around us again for the rest of his life. 

Now I certainly don't intend to purchase a Father's Day gift - although I'm sure he is hoping I will so he can reject it - but how does everyone deal with special days?

I don't have the luxury of not being around him at all because my relationship with my mother is good and I don't want to lose that.

[Marcia]

You are understandably establishing a needed boundary here, and a "gift" is not called for right now. People with BPD don't understand the normal limits and seem to feel entitled to do and say whatever they want regardless of the misery they inflict.

This is his problem, not yours. You have a right to be treated with politeness and respect. I would encourage your mother to talk to him about counseling--he needs it.

As far as a gift, maybe you should pick a charity you like and give them a donation, instead. That way, you can feel good about yourself and worry less about Mr. BPD.

[alicein1derland]

Hi TheBees,

Well, my BPD mother had a similar rage in December 2012, and this January decided to "disown" me.  This year, only my children have been sending Mother's Day/Father's Day/Birthday cards, not me, and no gifts. 

It's not easy.  I find one way of making it a little easier is to spend 'holidays' with someone else who does respect you and whom you want to spend time with.  You said you are married.  Do you have children?  If so, could you do something special with your husband to celebrate father's day for him?  Or your Father-in-law?  Or a grandfather?  Uncle?  These BPD people think they're "entitled" to something that they very clearly have not earned.  Why upset yourself?

Alice