Slowly moving in together

[ziniztar]

Hi all,

My dBPDbf is in therapy for 1,5 years now - allmost 2 if you would include his ADHD counseling group. We're discussing moving in together a lot more lately. We live in separate cities and due to several reasons I will probably move to his city - searching a new place for the both of us.

As I want to set clear boundaries I'd love to hear your experiences of living with a pwBPD. Which things are good? Which are difficult? Have you found a solution or workaround? It would help us discuss things in advance a lot.

E.g one thing I'd like to know is... how do you agree on household chores? Tricky in any relationship but a source of conflict in a BPD r/s I could imagine. And how have you arranged finances?

Thanks

ps We've agreed to share his car, which I thought would be good exersize for the both of us in setting boundaries, communicating expectations and dealing with shared finances. It's like getting a pet before deciding to have a baby 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Be careful.  I'd suggest making sure always that you have the means of moving back out, just in case  So, don't be quick to give up your possessions. 

To be honest, if we weren't living together, we still wouldn't be together.  I probably would have said "enough" a long time ago and just gone NC.  I know other men have done that to her before - that's how they escaped this FOG. 

I invited her to move in with me over a year ago.  Her severe depression kicked in a month later.  I do 95% of the cooking and cleaning, and 100% of the yard work and other household duties.  I pay 100% of the bills.  She wants my attention 100% of the time, and I find myself with very little time to myself.  And of course, she will passive aggressively (and sometimes directly) blame the messy house or the lack of money on me.   

[ziniztar]

Hi masterxling, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope things will turn around for the both of you. Is your gf in therapy?

[maxsterling]

ziniztar -

She's been in therapy off and on since she was 16.  Actually, maybe even before that.  She claims she has been in 10 or more psychiatric hospitals, two suicide attempts, DBT, the whole 9 yards.  Right now she's managed to acquire a bunch of free services, therapists, psychiatrist, and group therapy.  And I practically have to force her to go.  She's feeling quite hopeless these days, and my feeling (and the feeling of some of her friends and doctor) is she should be in the hospital.  I'm in the role of caretaker right now.  It stinks.   

I only mention that because I wish there was an easy way out for me.  Not from the relationship, but from her constantly needing me.  I'd try to set healthy boundaries if not for the extreme depression and suicidal thoughts.  If we weren't living together, I'd have that space.  And right now I am quite thankful she has her own car and a few things of her own.  This is why I suggest having your own resources.  You don't want to be dependent on one another.  With BPD, there's a high chance of things going bad, and next thing you know you are in the middle of something that you can't easily get out of.

I'm not saying living with her has been horrible, we've certainly had some great times, and I consider this woman to be a good friend and in a way, soul mate.  I like having someone to eat with, to go to bed with, go shopping with, and just someone to be at home when I come home from work.   But this arrangement is far from healthy, and it's really tested my limits on numerous occasions.  When she rages and screams at me, I have to leave my own house.  "Home" doesn't always feel like home anymore.