Differences and similarities between BPD and Passive-aggressive

[mace17]

I was doing some reading on passive aggressive and BPD, and it seems that these are similar but somewhat different. It sounds to me like my H might be more passive aggressive than BPD. He doesn't really go into rages, he will get angry but it's more of a quiet controlled anger and most often expressed with subtle derogatory comments or sarcasm. The true anger when he really gets angry is very controlled, actually kind of scary because I always wonder when the rubber band will snap. What is the difference between BPD and passive aggression, or are they forms of the same PD?

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[lizzie458]

The main thing about BPD IME is that the emotions are too big for them and they can't process them properly.  The way that manifests can be different.  Many pwBPD explode and rage, but it sounds plausible to me that there are also many out there who turn those things inward.  I would think that would be much harder to notice and diagnose (until/unless it reaches the point of self harm), which is probably why very many of the stories on this support board have to do with people who are exploding.  Just some thoughts.

You may not see the emotions come out, but if it's BPD they are there and they are big.  Manipulation is very common with pwBPD, so that part is dead on with passive aggressiveness.  My husband is a high functioning, "invisibile" BP and he can be very passive aggressive.

In my situation, the thing that really made me suspect BPD was the fabrication of "facts" and situations I knew did not happen.  He just always seemed to have the most bizarre thoughts about things or reasons for doing things and I couldn't figure out why he was so off base.  I would try to clear up his misperceptions (and blatant mis-rememberings), and he would become obstinate and blow up.  So for you, that might be the time when he gets quiet and makes those passive aggressive comments.  Their brains make up "facts" to support any big emotion they might be having so that they have a reason for that emotion.  I don't know if that's clear or not... .

[mace17]

Thank you, lizzie - that does help a little. I can see that there are some overlapping traits, like BPD people often act in passive-aggressive ways.

My H does have a problem with remembering past events and conversations accurately, or at least pretending to.  There was a blow-up on our son's birthday over a simple question I asked him.  H yelled, slammed doors, and gave me the silent treatment for 2 days, despite the fact that I had no clue what I had done.  I tried to ask him the first day, but he just said "if you don't know" and walked off. On the 3rd morning, he got upset with me because I had not initiated sex the night before, and my jaw just dropped.  I told him I thought he was angry with me because of the blow-up a couple days earlier and the fact that he had been giving me the silent treatment the last 2 days.  He got a puzzled look and said he had no idea what I was talking about, he had never been mad at me.

Of course this left me feeling like I was the crazy one as usual, but I let it go and didn't say a word, and things went back to normal.

[lizzie458]

Wow, yeah... . it sounds like you are dealing with more than just P/A... . definitely more than meets the eye.  His emotionality and silent treatment sound just like my dBPDh.  When I try to talk to him when he's upset (after he's calmed down a bit), he generally refuses.  Instead of "if you don't know... . " he says things like "you don't ever listen," "being married to you is (insert horrible example here)... . " and deflects so we can't really get to the issue at hand.  That is all classic BPD - I believe he's afraid of the emotions and doesn't want to get to the bottom of them.  Validation has helped a lot, usually that will lower his guard a bit and we can set about the task of addressing the emotions. 

[mace17]

This was before I learned any of the tools on this board, but I did try using "I" statements at least. I waited til he had cooled off a little and said I feel like you are angry with me but I don't know why, I feel confused. That's when I got the exasperated "if you don't know... . never mind". I guess I should have validated, but how can I say I understand why that could make you feel angry when I didn't even know what I did?

[Sylvia76]

I'm in the middle of the silent treatment right now and my BF most certainly is passive aggressive.

He will sigh loudly, swear under his breath, small things to draw attention to himself but if I try to engage him he wont even acknowledge I'm alive.

As luck would have it we work together so for 3 days now he won't park next to me (where he always did) and will park his work vehicle in a different spot so he can come and go without seeing me.

He's 38 and I find this behavior SO childish.

I don't know what else to do but go about my own business.

[ziniztar]

BPD can have many faces. For instance, various subtypes have been recognized (e.g. inward or outward). Have you read about the 9 traits associated with BPD? I believe it's required to meet 5 of them for a consistent time throughout your childhood and adultgood to get the official diagnosis. And even then the itensity can vary as it is a spectrum disorder.

Let's stop focusing on his issue for a while and look at why you're here? What would you -personally- like to achieve?

[lizzie458]

I guess I should have validated, but how can I say I understand why that could make you feel angry when I didn't even know what I did?

Good question.  Validation is really only about validating his feelings - you don't have to necessarily understand what triggered them in order to come alongside him and say something like "I can see you are upset" or something like that.  There are many different ways you can validate, so you'll have to see what feels best to you:  i.e. some people gravitate more toward "you seem... . angry/hurt/whatever" statements instead of "you are... . angry/hurt/whatever" statements because their partner doesn't like it when they make assumptions - but others may need that declaration to really help them feel validated.  These are just some examples, you can find more resources on validation in the workshops section of the site.

The thing that stuck in my craw about validation for so long was that I actually did not believe his feelings were valid because they made no sense to me.  My breakthrough came when I realized that feelings are feelings and they exist, they are valid.  If my brain worked like his, I'd probably feel the same way!  Remembering that helps me stay authentic, which - authenticity is really the key to validation.  It doesn't work out so great when you're just doing lip service.

[mace17]

BPD can have many faces. For instance, various subtypes have been recognized (e.g. inward or outward). Have you read about the 9 traits associated with BPD? I believe it's required to meet 5 of them for a consistent time throughout your childhood and adultgood to get the official diagnosis. And even then the itensity can vary as it is a spectrum disorder.

Let's stop focusing on his issue for a while and look at why you're here? What would you -personally- like to achieve?

That is a good question... . Right now I am just trying to understand, evaluate, and make a game plan. I want my son to have a stable family, but not sure if I can continue to sacrifice myself. I just want peace and happiness.