Today all I want to do is argue back...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Why today more than any other day I want to JADE, I actually want to shout at him, I never shout.

I had to go out of the house drive around to calm down inside, I came back he was calm, but I couldn't leave it... I said if I am the enemy and the cause of every problem for you, then I feel under attack from you so leave.

Wanting him to be gone has consumed me this week.

I should have posted this morning when I felt angry with him. I woke up feeling angry with him. We had a family barbecue arranged for yesterday and he didn't come out of the bedroom. I had already preempted this with our son by saying daddy was unwell so he was fine, I was fine we had a lovely barbecue. But you know once our son was in bed I was livid. I couldn't get rid of feeling angry. I don't want to be with him anymore. He had no insight and will only access treatment when in crisis or to rant about me - nothing is going to change.

I am angry because I thought it might, but the reality is I can't cope with this anymore and I don't want to have to.

There are some practical things I have to do, I hav to change my sons school because I won't be able to afford to keep the car once we seperate and he currently attends a school ten miles away.

He is ranting on the phone to the crisis service at the moment threatening them for not being more helpful. Yet when they offer help he turns it down every time!

Today I feel angry and I am posting so it doesn't get misdirected, so I will stop stepping up... .

[sweetheart]

Why today more than any other day I want to JADE, I actually want to shout at him, I never shout.

I had to go out of the house drive around to calm down inside, I came back he was calm, but I couldn't leave it... I said if I am the enemy and the cause of every problem for you, then I feel under attack from you so leave.

Wanting him to be gone has consumed me this week.

I should have posted this morning when I felt angry with him. I woke up feeling angry with him. We had a family barbecue arranged for yesterday and he didn't come out of the bedroom. I had already preempted this with our son by saying daddy was unwell so he was fine, I was fine we had a lovely barbecue. But you know once our son was in bed I was livid. I couldn't get rid of feeling angry. I don't want to be with him anymore. He had no insight and will only access treatment when in crisis or to rant about me - nothing is going to change.

I am angry because I thought it might, but the reality is I can't cope with this anymore and I don't want to have to.

There are some practical things I have to do, I hav to change my sons school because I won't be able to afford to keep the car once we seperate and he currently attends a school ten miles away.

He is ranting on the phone to the crisis service at the moment threatening them for not being more helpful. Yet when they offer help he turns it down every time!

Today I feel angry and I am posting so it doesn't get misdirected, so I will stop stepping up... .

[TXwoman]

Sweetheart;

I know exactly what you mean- I have been married for 34 years to BPDh.  Our kids are grown, we are both professionals.  Both well educated- he commutes out of state weekly, I have read a lot on here for years about setting boundaries and how to deal with these folks.  But, even though I feel sorry for him because I know he is mentally ill- I still resent the hell out of being in these long, extended periods of silent treatment, and never knowing if I'll have a good weekend (when he's NOT obsessing about some chronic, perceived slight) or a crappy weekend. When he is.  Even our friends are aware.   Then.  He will suddenly write me a very long email airing all of his frustrations and what I am Not doing to make everything alright for him.   Sometimes I can keep it together and manage through those- but yesterday I spen all afternoon (at work!) writing a very long email back - telling him how crappy MY life is and how he needs to go BACK to the psych and get back on his meds- just what he doesn't want to hear.  I guess it was my way of venting back    Not sure how he will process or even IF he will , but it made me feel good to get it OUT!  Why should I be worried about "protecting" him and his feelings?  Living in this is wearing me out.   I guess I have no one to blame but myself- I could leave, but we've been together a long time.  I have been journaling for 7 years about all of this and it hurts me to look back and see my writing telling myself I won't have one more ruined holiday (Christmas, New Years, etc) because he is in the middle of a 3 month long silent treatment.  And yet, here I am, still tolerating that behavior.    I know in your situation with children, it's different- there are a lot of people on these boards who are in your specific situation and I'm sure they will offer you sound advice.    Sorry, I guess my venting about my situation doesn't help you- except just to let you know there are plenty of us out here that are trying to figure this all out too!    Hang in there and take care of YOU and your little ones!

TXwoman

[Littleleft]

Sweetheart, I know how you feel too. I'm so sorry to hear things are so difficult for you. 

I've been there too, the feelings of being completely overwhelmed and unable to cope with it anymore.

How serious are you about leaving? Is this wanting to leave coming from the current strong feelings of anger and so might subside? I probably couldn't count the number of times I've through 'right that's it! I have to leave because I can't take any more!' , only to think 'I'll give it another try' once my emotions calmed down from whatever was happening at the time and I saw how apologetic he was and how much he didn't want to be like that (usually emotional and verbal abuse, angry raging and hurtful blaming and criticism of me and everything in my life including my family).

I'm pretty sure that the latest round of dysregulation last night is the end for my r/s with my pwBPD (it resulted in me calling the police and his parents coming to take him to stay with them), but ive taken a lot of cr*p before I've got to this stage.

So do you feel this is really it? Have you made plans or had any thoughts about where you might go if you're certain about leaving?

[sweetheart]

I was just about to post again to say I feel less angry now that I have vented and saw your two replies

I can usually manage not to JADE, but for some reason the thing with the barbecue really upset me and there is no where to direct that - so today's JADEing was about that. Then I just feel guilty because I can see that he is very unwell, I know that he isn't taking his medication properly because I keep finding unopened packs of his tablets. He doesn't cope well at the best of times at the moment of times but without his meds everything will be misread.

TXwoman, your venting is helpful, for me anyone who goes out of their way to reply helps me so thank you. The crisis team wouldn't even tolerate his ranting so that just triggers him more and round and round we go.

Littleleft I have been following your posts, I would love for someone to come and take my husband to stay with them( however that is not to overlook what a horrible situation you are in for that to have to happen).he usually ends up sleeping rough, because I ask him to leave the house until he can calm down.

The feelings of having to leave are still quite new to me, everything is compounded by some seriously unhelpful lack of coordinated intervention from his mental health team. I would love to have somewhere to go when he is like this but there is nowhere. I took our son to his grandmas after dancing, I should have stayed too, but I was worried about my husband. He has gone off now prob won't return until tomorrow.

The thoughts about leaving are real because they are still in my head on the good days. There are certainly things I can do like moving my sons school, sorting out my finances. I know I can keep the house, my husband would not stay here if we broke up. He has kind of turned into a vagrant since he became very unwell this last year. I believe he would just live as a homeless person, he did before I knew him. He really needs to be in hospital so at least in the short term they could stabilise him a little bit, it's very sad all of it. I am sad when I'm not angry.

[Littleleft]

It is sad isn't it?  It's so hard to see someone we care about on self destruct. 

My pwBPD has also been failed by our local mental health team with ridiculously frequent changes to psych/Drs (so it was impossible for him to build a r/s with and trust them, plus they never seem to know the full story when they're new to him), a general lack of taking things seriously (despite frequent contact from me and his family to explain the full extent of his behaviour, as he never presented with the issues we would see, although he would tell them he wasn't feeling good) and a failure to respond to me and his family when we have contacted them (including the crisis team) when we've been very concerned about his behaviour.

Don't forget to take care of yourself whilst this is going on, I know it's easy to let that go.

[sweetheart]

Oh Littleleft you've just described the last year of our lives in relation to contact with his team since his P retired - I can't believe it really is that similar. You are so right,  to watch somebody self destruct is absolutely heartbreaking. We have had more contact with the police when he is in crisis than the actual Crisis Team. The police have been really compassionate but not the right people.

I have just realised that the situation for my husband is always much worse at the weekend, it is as though he is in a push-pull situation with his team. He is more stable in the week so he pushes them away because he is angry with them for letting him down whilst in crisis at a weekend and then he phones crisis asking for help only to be told he didn't accept an apt in the week so they tell him to go away.

I suppose what is almost a certainty is that he will either end up detained or in prison and then transferred to hospital. It's such a shame 

I am ok now I have vented, I should know better than to JADE. The anger caught me unawares. Once he's out of the house things usually calm down naturally until the next time.

[Littleleft]

The mental health services in our country are really lacking aren't they?

I must say that the police were very good last night too, very compassionate and not heavy handed.  I got the impression that they deal with a lot of instances like ours.  Must be difficult for them and frustrating too, as it's not their job to be a mental health overflow service.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now that you've vented.  It really does help to be able to come here and offload doesn't it? Plus it's great of course to have all the support and access to lessons and tools.

I hope things are ok for you when he gets home. Sending lots of positive thoughts, strength and hugs!

[sweetheart]

Thanks Littleleft, right back at you. Take really good care of yourself. 

[sweetheart]

Today was lovely, it was Fathers Day and our son had a lovely day. His dad even managed to take him out to a local skate park. Son sound asleep, very happy boy

Of course now the evening has turned to c**p - I think he actually waited until our son was asleep to start the fight. I made him a cup of fresh coffee to end the day before I took to bed to read. He then glared at the coffee and asked me why I was making him a coffee, going on to say you spat in my face yesterday now you want to shake my hand. I actually had no idea what he was talking about which I said to him and left the kitchen. I then sat upstairs thinking and decided to try and resolve the situation by asking what have I done that has upset him? I also wanted to thank him for making today so enjoyable for our son. I tried, he wanted to rant and fight because he had an awful day, what about how he feels not in contact with his father ( Father Day usually a trigger ). Tried to validate but he wanted to escalate it and blame me for yesterday. So I politely said I didn't have anything else to add and said I was going to bed. He then ranting on about being controlled etc etc

Am only posting because my tummy in knots and if I don't I will probably try again to talk to him.

One other thing, he did something with his phone when I entered the kitchen, when I asked him what he was doing he said he was recording me so everyone would know how I abuse him and in then did exactly that to me - crazy crazy crazy making.

Thanks for listening sorry if it's a bit rambling... .