Staying grounded

[maxsterling]

If you have followed my other posts, you know the past month or so has been really rough with dysregulation, suicide ideation, extreme dependence on me, and extreme negative self talk.  I felt hopeless, smothered, and overwhelmed.  Last week and last weekend were bad, to where my thought process was trying to convince her that she needs to go to the hospital. 

Monday I got the same text messages while at work that I have been getting the past few weeks.  "I'm rotting", "I'm a loser", "I've done nothing all day", "I'm worthless and should die".  She begged me again to come home for lunch, this time I said "no".  Monday evening was couples T.  The drive there was excruciating.  She talked about how she hates all her friends, and that I am the only person who she feels comfortable with. She talked about how she hates life and hates everyone. 

In the session, it was more of the same.  She talked about how I am the only reason she stays alive because she does not want to hurt me.  She talked about how she doesn't want to do anything, and doesn't have any motivation to change anything.  I tried to talk about good things that have happened recently, and she threw a negative spin on everything.  Then she went on her normal "I'm-miserable-because-I-am-not-married-and-its-my-boyfriend's-fault" routine.  Yep, right there in session, right there in front of T.  My thoughts at the time were "this is very serious" and I decided once again to bury whatever hurt or issues I had because her suicidal language felt like an emergency.  But this T has a means of helping her calm down.  it's like GF will do her ranting and complaining, then T will start working with her on things she can do, and it will be out of GFs system for a few days.

And after the session, she was in a better mood, but still extremely needy.   Tuesday (yesterday) I was again at work wondering when the barrage of negative text messages would start again.  But instead I got a text message that she applied for 3 jobs.  I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not, because the rejection from the last interview really sent her down.  Her T suggested she take a break from looking for work. A few minutes later, she called, and said they called her to interview.  And then she got two more calls to interview, and then two more.  So, that's 5 interviews in three days.  And of the 3 interviews that she has gone to so far, two have offered her jobs. 

So far, she is handling things quite well.  This is probably the first 24 hour period in over a month where she has gone without making a self-loathing comment or suicidal comment.   And I normally hear about half a dozen or more per day.  And for the most part, she was happy and optimistic last night.   

So here is my internal dilemma - how do I stay grounded and not get my hopes up, or how do I not get too down waiting for the other shoe to drop again?  I feel like I finally can catch my breath, I feel that the adrenaline is finally burning off, and my heart rate is falling back to normal.  I should be happy, but instead I feel lost, and almost depressed.  I'm not sure why.  It's like I have put so much attention into her recently that I don't know what to do next.  Or maybe I haven't yet trusted the better mood of the past day. This has happened before, where she has a few good days and I fill with hope, only to have her dysregulate and insult me again a few days later.  Another possibility is that I was ignoring my own hurt of the past few weeks, and now that I have a chance to think, I am finally addressing my own emotions. 

Anyone else experience this?  Going through periods where it feels like you are on hells edge just praying for some peace, and when you finally get it, you feel down rather than happy?

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[woodsposse]

I should be happy, but instead I feel lost, and almost depressed.  I'm not sure why.

Anyone else experience this?  Going through periods where it feels like you are on hells edge just praying for some peace, and when you finally get it, you feel down rather than happy?

Yes!  That is my answer in a nutshell.   

I read, somewhere, that one of the things that happens when you are constantly living on the edge, stressed out all the time (with adrenline pumping and waiting for the other shoe to fall) has a physiological effect on you.  It's kinda of like your body doesn't know what to do when you may be in the eye of the storm... . or if the storm is actually over.

In other words, it is quite normal.

I know I lived like that for a very very long time.  When the self loathing speak happened, and all the talk of suicide went on - the calls at work to calm her down or to come home because she needed something... . and of course it being my fault because I wasn't paying near as much attention as I should (when everything I was doing, for the most part, was focused on her and the kids)... . i often felt very lost, confused, and frustrated.

But I think you have something going for you that I didn't have at the time. You are in couples therapy... . and you are here with us!  Yay you!

Only think I would suggest to help keep you grounded is to do what you are doing. Talk to your counselor, post here... . and maybe find some activity that you can enjoy for some "you time"  Even if only for an hour a day.  Biking, running, yoga, something to burn off some energy and help keep you focused.

you are not lost or alone.