I attempted to break NC

[Octoberfest]

Wow.  Never thought I'd be writing this.

I didn't go to bed last night.  Currently 7AM here.  I have been increasingly impulsive lately, something that is cause for concern.  A few days ago I had a pretty major meltdown concerning my BPDex (relationship ended over 13 months ago, NC for almost 11 months).  Figured out that in the past year I haven't really made the 100% commitment to moving on from her.  Found out I haven't forgiven myself both for "failing" to "save" her (I really tied my self worth to accomplishing that) and for setting myself up in an impossible to win situation.  These were hard realizations... .

I laid in bed all night thinking about my BPDex and thinking about texting her and time flew.  At 5:30 AM, after much internal struggle and weighing of pros/cons I sent the following message, which I composed after several drafts:

"It has been awhile.  I don't expect you to know who this is anymore.  I don't want anything except for you to know a few things.  I want you to know that for all the time that has passed, the hurt I feel over the things that happened between us is still very real. I had the realization a few days ago that while I've fooled around with other girls since you, I haven't dated because a deep down buried part of me has never let go of you, even though I was the one who finally said enough.  That was hard to admit after all of the cheating and lies that you put me through.  I find myself still going through memories and conversations trying to figure out what was real and what was you playing me. I am still trying to figure out how someone can tell me, "I love you more than you know" and go and do all of the things that you did.  It's the damndest thing.  I look better, am in better shape, and get better grades now than I ever did while with you, but I still feel empty.  It's been over a year and I still think of you/things related to you almost every day.  You've been off doing your thing dating several guys since me but strangely I feel like you and I are connected still.  I really, really miss the life I thought I had.  The one with the sweet girlfriend and awesome friends.  Finding out it was all a sham has been both the defining and hardest experience of my life. It's fair to say that for awhile I was living in a fantasy world where people you trusted never did ___ty things that really hurt you.  It has been over a year since I have seen you but I still walk around looking over my shoulder because I don't know how I would react if I did see you again.  I firmly believe that you and I met and became a part of each others lives for a reason. Even if we never talk again, we are part of each others lives.  God knows I learned a lot from you.  I don't know if you learned anything from me.  I don't know if you even think of me with any regularity.  Just know that I have not forgotten you."

3 seconds later I was notified the message failed to send and I received an automated text from my service provider saying "You cannot send messages to destinations that are blocked by the account owner".

At 7 AM I spoke to my father and got the password for our phone account to access the online dashboard. 

11 months ago, the morning after the last time I talked to my BPDex, I called my parents and asked them to block her number from my phone- incoming AND outgoing.  Doing so required the addition of a 5$/mo service.  Maybe 4-5 months ago I talked to them and told them they could save the money and remove the block, as I was over the hurdle.

Call it fate, them getting old and senile (I kid), or luck, the block was never removed.  My BPDex has been blocked and blocked good for the past 11 months.

It doesn't change the fact that I tried.  My rationale comes almost from desperation.  I am tired of hurting and struggling with this, and I guess I saw this as a swing-for-the-fences play.  I don't think my BPDex herself has any hold on me anymore... . I think I have broken that attachment in the time that has passed.  What DOES have a hold on me are the memories/remembering the feelings I experienced throughout the relationship.  I am reliving it almost... . remembering a specific instance and having a rush of whatever emotion it evoked originally, for both positive and negative memories.  I thought that maybe by contacting her, by allowing myself to do so, I could maybe dispel the intimidating, scary monster I envision her as in my mind... . because I have been living in fear of her honestly.  If I could make contact, and then keep control of it, get what I want out of it, I could really come out on top and feel a lot better about life.  Of course that is a HUGE IF.  I don't know that I have the skill or the will to keep that conversation steered on a good path... . if there is even is a good path to be had at all. 

I am also suspicious of myself, if I am just formulating the above theory to give an excuse for the hurt child within me to reach out, looking to be soothed by the very abuser I ran from initially. 

Sorry for rambling.  All that is really clear here is that I am hitting a pretty serious downward spiral.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man.  :)on't be hard on yourself.  One day at a time.

you wrote:

I don't want anything except for you to know a few things.

I know you say you think you are "over" her, in a sense, and that attachment is gone, but this part of your letter doesn't say that, to me.  It shows me that you still have that hook in you that so many of us here have until we let it go... . you are holding onto her, holding onto memories, still with this undying desire within for her to *know* your heart.  You still want for her to really *see* your heart and your love, and to receive it... . even if after the demise of your relationship.  Maybe you think it will give you some kind of closure.  And that is normal... . our love is designed to make the other "alive", to be recieved, to call the other person forward toward us.  But with people like our BPD exes, it doesn't.  

But instead of accepting that, in our hurt and anger we spin in circles, over and over and over... . beating ourselves up, holding onto them, obsessing over "why", or just plain trying to get them to "see", instead of just realizing that they *can't*.  And they won't... . ever.  Of course you want her to -who wouldn't- but she can't.

So, this is where you need to let it go.  It's like when my daughter tries to argue with me.  I say "No," and she comes back with "But, daddy... . but... . but... . but... . "  When we are still stuck in that "I just want you to know something" phase, we are essentially arguing with reality.  Reality is telling us, "She can't see it.  She won't get it.  She can't receive it."  And we are refusing to listen, instead saying, "But maybe if... . but what if... . but if I wait... . but if I say it this way... . but maybe *now* she will hear it... . but... . but... . but... . "  No. 

Sorry man.

[LettingGo14]

All that is really clear here is that I am hitting a pretty serious downward spiral.

What if this is not a downward spiral?  Maybe, my friend, you are ready for a big breakthrough.   Maybe this is the moment that your unconscious mind has been waiting for -- to make you aware of what you are ready to meet.

I'm like you, in no contact.   If I'm honest with myself, my ex-girlfriend now exists only in my mind.  Sometimes I idealize her.  Sometimes I crave contact.  Sometimes the silence taunts me.  Sometimes I obsess about my replacement and what I imagine to be her happiness.

You are probably right.  The monster is in the mind.   It's the same for me, though perhaps in different.   

I'm trying to figure out what it means too.  We're here for you.  Keep poking the monster in your mind, and it will reveal something.  I'm sure of it -- I just don't know what.

[Red Sky]

Yup, remember that you didn't ACTUALLY break NC. And a lot of people recommend writing a letter to your ex, which you don't send.

Memories can be powerful and evocative; I don't know if that actually goes away with time. I think when they become overwhelming you have to try and accept their place. They are a part of your past and they're not always bad. But taken as part of the overall picture of your relationship, you and I both know that you're not going back there.

I think this is probably counterproductive, because it doesn't actually accept that the good memories are there, but I always hold on to this one memory of my exbf whacking me in the face and whenever I sink too much into nostalgia I replay it in my head until the nostalgia goes away :P

[myself]

Grieving and detaching take many twists and turns. It's not always two steps forward, one step back. It can be three steps forward and around one of those corners you looped back to the 'lovely monster' of good and bad memories. How you handle these encounters is what you're concerned about. Which shows the focus is on yourself, so you're still on the right path. It takes time to face this, to Let Go.

Writing/sending a letter like that isn't something to beat yourself up about. Most of us here have probably done so too, and we've survived. Even within the calming, peaceful, more healthy boundaries of NC, emotional pressure can build up from unanswered questions and silence from our exes/no closure. As an outside observer, but putting myself in your shoes, I felt relieved reading that your message did not go through. Are you going to have the block removed, and try again? That's up to you. You should do what you feel you need to do, for your own continued growth through this. Regret it? Don't repeat it.

As someone who has written/sent similar letters, I can say it went like this: I received no response, received a very negative hurtful response, or it lead to another recycle (which lead to further breakups, pain, unanswered questions... . ) While it may have temporarily felt better to have sent those letters, it was ultimately like sending them to someone who couldn't even really read or understand them. Our realities are too different. Our versions of the relationship we shared, too. I'm sorry you're going through these doubts. Your inner child may well need soothing, but you'll find that in the here and now, by changing your own patterns, not by holding up a mirror to someone from the past. Best wishes.

[seeking balance]

ok Octoberfest - deep breaths

What is really going on emotionally - what do you FEEL so desperate about that is not related to her?

[GuiltHaunted]

Don't do it!

I had the same spells about 1 1/2 - 2 months ago, otherwise we pretty equal on the timespan. I wanted to break NC too but I didn't, thank god!

I think about her everyday too, although lately it is with increasing time between. Maybe only a few times a day (compared to constantly a few months ago). Plus, when she passes my thoughts, it's without much emotion.

Give it another month or 2 and... .



(P.s. I hate those keep calm posters )

[Octoberfest]

Hey man.  :)on't be hard on yourself.  One day at a time.

you wrote:

I don't want anything except for you to know a few things.

I know you say you think you are "over" her, in a sense, and that attachment is gone, but this part of your letter doesn't say that, to me.  It shows me that you still have that hook in you that so many of us here have until we let it go... . you are holding onto her, holding onto memories, still with this undying desire within for her to *know* your heart.  You still want for her to really *see* your heart and your love, and to receive it... . even if after the demise of your relationship.  Maybe you think it will give you some kind of closure.  And that is normal... . our love is designed to make the other "alive", to be recieved, to call the other person forward toward us.  But with people like our BPD exes, it doesn't.  

But instead of accepting that, in our hurt and anger we spin in circles, over and over and over... . beating ourselves up, holding onto them, obsessing over "why", or just plain trying to get them to "see", instead of just realizing that they *can't*.  And they won't... . ever.  Of course you want her to -who wouldn't- but she can't.

So, this is where you need to let it go.  It's like when my daughter tries to argue with me.  I say "No," and she comes back with "But, daddy... . but... . but... . but... . "  When we are still stuck in that "I just want you to know something" phase, we are essentially arguing with reality.  Reality is telling us, "She can't see it.  She won't get it.  She can't receive it."  And we are refusing to listen, instead saying, "But maybe if... . but what if... . but if I wait... . but if I say it this way... . but maybe *now* she will hear it... . but... . but... . but... . "  No. 

Sorry man.

Sorry for taking so long to reply to those in this thread- I did read them, and I do appreciate each of you taking the time out of your day to respond.

The above post really spoke to me, and now, a few days later, I am beginning to see the truth in it.  I had a conversation with my mom about this whole incident and she said something very similar- that I was craving, reaching out for the feelings of loving someone and being loved, feelings that thus far I have only experienced with my BPDex (she was my first love). In craving those feelings, my brain made the short jump that I must be craving her... . because she is the only one I've known those feelings with. 

Reflecting, I think the Gods must be looking out for me that my message did not go through... . I fully agree, the line "I don't want anything except for you to know... . " is a farce.  I definitely wanted something... . I wanted reassurance, soothing, I wanted all the pain and bad memories and bad experiences to go away and for my relationship with my BPDex to have been what I wanted it to be.  It appears I have been having trouble accepting reality/the reality of what happened.  I can't say I blame myself, for a first love I got put through the f**ing ringer.

SB, I may not be understanding your post entirely, are you asking what is going on that, while not related to my BPDex, is making me reach out to her for reassurance?  If that is the question, nothing.  I am in school, and working, but those are not stresses that I am not accustomed to or that I have not dealt with for a long time already.  There is no family trouble to speak of... . Honestly I think it boils down to the fact that I am not as far along the path to healing as I thought I was.  I had an hour long conversation with my dad about a week ago where lost it and cried for the first time in a long time, and admitted when asked out loud that I had not in fact made the decision to move on.  I sure told people I had, and at the surface I believed I had, but deep down I was stuck still... . part of the whole "not accepting reality" thing I mentioned earlier... . It has been over a year and I've still looked at this whole ordeal as not being over, as just being in another chapter of the journey, but my BPDex and I still having unfinished business... . I think I need to work on accepting the truth and reality of what happened. Because there is no changing it. And the only way to move on from something is to accept it for what it is in the first place.  That means accepting both that my BPDex is not anyone I want to be associated with, and that I should be thankful she is gone, as well as that I really was screwed over as bad as it seems like I was by almost all those I held close.

Thanks again for your comments.

[goldylamont]

Octoberfest, a few thoughts come to mind... .

the fact that you took OutOfEgypt's words seriously and are able to own that you are still attached to the idea of your ex says a lot about your character. it doesn't feel good to still be attached, but it's important to realize the inherent power you have to admit to and own something like this. it doesn't feel good, it's a little embarrassing, no? but we *know* that you are healthy because you own it. how? well, can you think of an example of an unhealthy soul who is unable to own up to their own issues and take responsibility... ? you're doing the opposite. and, why are you doing the opposite? why/how are you able to be self reflective and realize that you are strong enough to accept your own faults? some is your own inherent power, some comes from your elders.

it really warmed my heart to hear how open you can be with your parents through this whole ordeal. isn't it amazing how well our mothers can read us? and the fact that you are able to be so open around your father shows you have strong and open connection there. this whole experience for me has caused depression and more, yet somehow i was always able to hold onto gratitude for my family and friends for their support. the more i read here about others issues with their families i realize more and more how fortunate i am to have the parents and family i have. so even in the throws of sadness, realize that you are experiencing emotions that have existed for millennia. countless billions of lives have gone through what we are going through. perhaps several hundred million are going through the same or much worse right in this moment. and i doubt most have the resources we have on this journey. many don't have supportive families. some don't have the internet or access to message boards. most can't go to college, be athletic and date attractive women as they are finding their way  so, in a way through the worst of the times i've gone through i feel like i sustained myself with gratitude knowing that i was in a most excellent position to deal with something that countless others have gone through as well.

Regarding attachment, I really enjoyed a book called The Five Levels of Attachment by don Miguel Ruiz, Jr. The levels -- Authentic Self, Preference, Identity, Internalization, and Fanatacism. I don't think you ever reached Fanatacism, however most of us reached the stage of Internalizing our ex in our lives. Over the past year you've allowed much of the internalization go, but still there are strong parts of your Identity which are still attached to the idea of your ex and the r/s. As you learn to release these attachments and understand your true Preferences, the next attachments you make will be more reflective of your Authentic Self (which is not attached to anything).

One other idea I will give you has to do with "returning to grazing." This comes from Linda Kohanov, an author, horse trainer and pioneer who started one of the first equine (horse) therapy facilities in the world. Spending time with her horses she talks about how much she has learned from being in their presence. One thing she notes about horses is that after almost any crises they have, they are almost immediately able to go right back on grazing... . life moves on and they live in the moment. A mountain lion could be on the prowl and the whole heard would be alert and stampede away, but once the threat was gone... . munch munch munch. Humans tend to attach to the past and project into the future far more than other species. It is an amazing ability but it can get us into trouble. Sometimes it doesn't serve our greater purpose. So with that, I will leave you with the idea of going back to grazing. The mountain lion is gone and now the grass is greener