Heart is hurting a bit today

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been only four days since I broke up with my BPDexbf.  I know it was absolutely the right decision for both of us, but today he's sent me a text which has really pulled at my heart strings.

He said how he realises now how unwell he is and that he's going to do everything he can to get better, and that he doesn't want me to make any snap decision about breaking up until I've seen him get better.  He said how much he loves me and wants to be with me and that no one else can make him feel the way I do. He was talking about what he's going to do to get better including therapy and help with anger management.

It's made my heart ache.  I really wish everything could suddenly be ok, but I know it won't be.  And I hated having to text him back to tell him that I didn't want him having false hope that we would get back together.  It was bad enough having to tell him about breaking up and now I really don't want to have to keep telling him that it's definitely what I want, because I hate the thought of hurting him.

I didn't cry after we broke up but the sadness has hit me more today now after that message.  I suppose it was easier at first because the last contact I had with him was him being angry and shouting 'you're nothing' as the final word before he slammed the door behind him when he left.  So now to hear from the other side of him, it's much more difficult.

[Littleleft]

It's been only four days since I broke up with my BPDexbf.  I know it was absolutely the right decision for both of us, but today he's sent me a text which has really pulled at my heart strings.

He said how he realises now how unwell he is and that he's going to do everything he can to get better, and that he doesn't want me to make any snap decision about breaking up until I've seen him get better.  He said how much he loves me and wants to be with me and that no one else can make him feel the way I do. He was talking about what he's going to do to get better including therapy and help with anger management.

It's made my heart ache.  I really wish everything could suddenly be ok, but I know it won't be.  And I hated having to text him back to tell him that I didn't want him having false hope that we would get back together.  It was bad enough having to tell him about breaking up and now I really don't want to have to keep telling him that it's definitely what I want, because I hate the thought of hurting him.

I didn't cry after we broke up but the sadness has hit me more today now after that message.  I suppose it was easier at first because the last contact I had with him was him being angry and shouting 'you're nothing' as the final word before he slammed the door behind him when he left.  So now to hear from the other side of him, it's much more difficult.

[seeking balance]

 

It really is sad to let go of something we love even if it is in everyone's best interest.

Do you have a strategy on how to fill your time/mind to move forward?

Peace,

SB

[patientandclear]

LL -- I identify with this completely.  Six months ago I reached what I thought was the end with my ex and when it happened, I was fine with what I'd said and done (set a boundary he didn't like), and he was such a jerk about it that it was sort of easy to accept that it was Done.

Subsequently he was nice, and he started pulling out the "big guns" in our relationship -- offers of kinds of contact that he typically withholds, gestures of caring about me that were absent before.

My T commented that he was only going to the safe and getting the "big guns" because I seemed to be saying I was done.  Once that was gone, those changes would not likely endure.

I've seen that pattern here often.  When you are finally done and make that clear, that is the moment when it is worth it to them to say they will make changes.  But down the road if you accept this offer, what you find is someone resentful that you extorted changes they didn't really want to make by saying you were going to leave otherwise.  Under that offer there is likely a latent bitterness at being forced to make it.  That's a booby trap if you take it at face value.

But it is so much harder to maintain these lines in the face of what you've always wanted to hear.  I know.

[Littleleft]

It really is sad to let go of something we love even if it is in everyone's best interest.

Do you have a strategy on how to fill your time/mind to move forward?

Peace,

SB

Thanks SB.

I know it'll be best for me if I can keep busy.  So there are a few things I intend to do to try to help with that.

I'm not working at the moment (long story!) and will be trying to get back to work soon, so that will at least help during the days once I've found work.

For the immediate future, I'm going to stay with some family for a few days after the weekend and my mum is making plans to fly to see me too.  My house needs a fair bit of work doing so that'll keep me occupied at times. I'm going to the gym a few times a week, and intend on trying to start up some hobbies again - in recent years I've just stopped doing anything and tbh I've kind of lost track of who I am and what I like to do.

After I posted earlier I got on with a few things I needed to do and it has distracted me a bit and made the feeling lessen a bit.  So the messages initial impact has faded a bit. So my main strategy will be distraction of any kind!  I realise the worse thing I can do is sit around dwelling on things.

I have a load of nasty texts, sound recordings of rages and months worth of journals detailing what went on, so if I start to feel really weak I'll read/listen to those and that should give me a kick up the backside!

I've seen that pattern here often.  When you are finally done and make that clear, that is the moment when it is worth it to them to say they will make changes.  But down the road if you accept this offer, what you find is someone resentful that you extorted changes they didn't really want to make by saying you were going to leave otherwise.  Under that offer there is likely a latent bitterness at being forced to make it.  That's a booby trap if you take it at face value.

Thanks for this p and c.  This completely makes sense, I can imagine that's the way it goes, and it was really helpful to read that just now.  He already is full of resentment for me (that I'm not an alcoholic like him, that I went to uni and he didn't, that he thinks I have better chances in life etc etc) so I can easily see how that could end up as just another thing to add to the list.

[myself]

I found that, as open as I thought I was during the relationship, I had also put up various walls to the abuse. Walls of disbelief and protection. Since walking away from the r/s, those walls have been coming down, and behind them I find sadness, anger, bewilderment... . Slowly, even these begin to fade.

To flip what P&C was saying, I think there is also a point where we're bitter about the changes WE need to make, and resist it for some time, still hanging on/not letting go. Once we begin to really accept It's Over, this resistance is another wall that crumbles. Facing our own patterns, real change occurs.

Sorry your heart is hurting. Here's some extra for you 

[LettingGo14]

Once we begin to really accept It's Over, this resistance is another wall that crumbles. Facing our own patterns, real change occurs.

Thank you for this thought, myself.   It's a great one.

[Littleleft]

Thank you myself 

It's definitely easier to see things as they are without the pwBPD's blame, criticism and twisted perception of things to skew my thinking.  I'm sure that helps to bring down some of those walls you've mentioned.

I should have been prepared for that text today really, thinking about it now.  I don't know why I hadn't prepared myself for it!  I think I won't feel so bad if it happens again, as Im more expecting it now and will have everything discussed in this post in mind to help me.

[Emelie Emelie]

LL - I went through the same thing.  It was months after we broke up the first time.  He was going to get help, quit drinking, deal with his anger issues.  Once I agreed to come back he did none of those things.  I take some responsibility for that.  I should have insisted he get help.  We had a "deal" though.  I wasn't going to be his "Therapist" and he had to do if for himself.  Not for me.  So I kind of backed myself into a corner.

If I had it to do all over again I would tell him to get help and then let's talk once you've made some progress.  See if he had discovered any insights which would help our rs going forward.  I think I got scared.  Because every time I held back he would tell me he was seeking another relationship, had a date tonight, etc.  I was afraid I was going to lose him forever.  Which is still my fear (after the second breakup).  It's hard to reconcile that fear with the knowledge that I cannot continue in this relationship.  It sounds like you are pretty strong in your commitment to get out of this relationship.  Good for you.  I know in my case it's the only way to stop the pain.  I will tell you that once they've promised you everything, because you're everything to them, and nothing changes... . well that's a fresh kind of hurt.  Because I believed him.  That I was so important to him and worth doing whatever it took to save our relationship. 

[Littleleft]

Hi EE

I'm sorry to hear you've been through so much pain too 

My ex did a lot of promising to change whilst we were together. Usually after he'd been particularly nasty in some way.  I must give him credit that he did stop drinking (after a hospital visit related to his drinking, where they ended up detoxing him whilst he was there) and started going to aa a little further down the line.  He's done a great job in that respect.  But all the other promises never came to fruition.  I think he always meant them, but then the s@it that goes on in his head would get in the way.

So I already have experience of the promises that don't get followed through, so I suppose I've got no reason to think that this time would be any different.  And in reality, even if he did those things and was fully committed, it would be a long time before it made enough of a difference to make the rs good again, and there's no way I could carry on holding out for that to happen especially when there's a good chance that that change wouldn't happen at all. It wouldn't be fair on either of us.

Fair play to you that you had the strength to break away the second time too