Teen daughter asking about affair

[OutOfEgypt]

So, my daughter and I were watching a television show tonight about "psychos", basically, and it prompted her to bring up things about an ex friend of hers, lets call her "Mary".  This ex friend started out being wonderful at first, but then become very clingy and possessive and punishing when my daughter wouldn't give her all the attention or do what she wanted.  Creepy.  Anyway, my daughter is now friend with another girl, let's call her "Jane", who was also friends with Mary at one point.

A few years back, during my ex wife's last affair against me (as a married couple, not including our last recycle after our divorce), I was friend's with dysfunctional Mary's parents.  I trusted them.  They trusted me.  While Mary was friends with my daughter, they were inseparable so I became close with her parents.  They saw that my wife at the time (uBPD) was always checked out, almost always sleeping, always in bed, etc. etc.  They saw her a few times, but hardly ever.  Anyway, I found out about my wife's affair at that time, and these parents could tell something was wrong.  I confided in them that I was getting a divorce.  The were both former divorcees from previous marriages, so they knew how things get.  They suspected that there was another man -particularly because she was completely uninvolved with me and the kids and always sleeping or talking on the phone. I told them yes, that she was.  Maybe that was wrong.  They were parents of our daughter's friend.  They were parents in the school our daughters went to.  But I was looking for someone to be on my side after all the hell I went through.  So, I accepted their support, which they freely offered me.

Anyway... . fast forward back to tonight.  My daugher told me that Mary told her friend Jane that the reason her mom and I divorced was because mommy cheated on me.  I was stunned.  I didn't know how to respond.  She is 14, and part of me would love for her to finally know that her mommy was not just disrespectful, selfish, and controlling, but also a liar and a cheater.  But I also believe that it would only hurt her and is not appropriate for her to know at this young age.  So, I sorta dodged the question and just said, "Well, that's not something Mary should be commenting on.  That is none of her business."  My daughter just kept saying, "I think it is weird that she would say that."  I neither confirmed nor denied, so I know my daughter is probably still thinking about it.

So, my daughter may ask her mommy about it.  And if that happens, I'm sure her mother is going to call me up and rant at me about how terrible I am for telling Mary's parents, who obviously must have told Mary (who on earth knows why they would do that).  And my ex will do what she does... . corner me and try to tell me what a terrible person I am.  And in the past I would probably apologize, feeling like she's right and it was totally inappropriate for me to tell them anything.

But looking back on it... . She was not friends of theirs.  She was in her own world, and I was doing everything on my own.  And from the number of people over the years that I've known (or we have known as a family), so many people were painfully aware of many of the things going on without me saying a word to them about anything.  Sometimes my wife at the time would even parade her new lover around, bringing him over to meet friends and telling everybody that he was just her new "gay friend".  So anyway, I took someone's help and support when they rightly identified what was obviously likely to be going on: an affair.  I just didn't know that those people would turn out to be so crazy as to tell their own daughter Mary about what I confirmed to them.  That is pretty messed up.

Anyway, I guess I'm sorta venting because I'm nervous about the backlash from my uBPDexw.  :)oes anyone have any thoughts about the situation?  I won't allow her to bully me, but I still don't like her blame-rants.  But does anyone have thoughts on how and when my daughter should know about the affair(s)?  If she asks me point-blank if her mom cheated on me, what should I say?

[AwakenedOne]

Maybe if your ex finds out and then confronts you, just say they asked and you said yes because you saw that there was no reason to lie to them. It's not like you went there and just starting spreading it around to people.

Maybe your wife would be even more mad if you tell your daughter this straight out now?

If your daughter asks again you can always just be firm and say that is our business and is private or give a generic explanation of your breakup -> like you and your ex just didn't get along and split instead or something like that.

[trappedinlove]

OutOfEgypt, stay strong and confident and stick to the truth.

YOU did nothing wrong!

Most kids at age 14 are very interested in social behavior and relationships, especially girls.

It's a good opportunity to talk with your daughter more openly about the crisis you went through. Stick to the facts and try to avoid interpretations and accusations. You can be more elaborate on your side of the story and on how you felt and feeling now. Remember your ex wife if your daughter's mother FOR LIFE so be careful from painting her black.

It's up to your daughter to decide for herself what to do about these new facts about her mom.

Regarding Mary, I'd talk about how bad gossip is and I'd consider talking to her parents about them acting so irresponsibly as it seems since you shared this with them counting on their confidentiality.

Good luck with that. It's ok that this dirty secret went out. Probably better than keeping it hidden and having it "poison the well".

[talithacumi]

I agree with trappedinlove when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Your wife cheated on you. She got caught. It changed your feelings about, and relationship to her. It contributed significantly to the end of the relationship/life you shared with her which has, and will continue to directly effect your daughter on just about every level.

All of this stuff happened. None of it is up for question or debate. All of it exists as a fact.

Your ex-wife may not feel like she did anything wrong. She may feel like she had no choice but to cheat on you. She may feel like it's your fault she cheated. She may feel like you don't have the right to tell anyone - let alone your daughter - that she cheated. She may feel like it's unfair for you, your daughter, or anyone else to judge her for cheating.

She has every right to feel that way, and to even act on those feelings.

But feelings aren't FACTS ... . and, frankly, dealing with them as if they were facts ... . or worse, instead of the facts themselves ... . really does no one OTHER than your ex-wife ANY good at all.

It's not your job to hide her dirty little secrets, protect her reputation, or - more importantly - deny yourself/your daughter the understanding, sympathy, compassion, and support/help you BOTH need in order to process/heal from all the emotional damage your ex-wife's actions have caused.

"Tell your story. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have treated you better."

You owe your ex nothing at this point. Focus on the relationship you have with your daughter. Now, more than ever, she needs someone she can trust. You, better than anyone, KNOW that the truth ALWAYS has a way of coming out. Hiding it from her now - especially when it concerns about something as important and personally/deeply effecting as this is to her - can ONLY going to come back to bite you in the a$$ in the end.

You are - and can do better than this.

As for your ex-wife's reaction? Deal with whatever it is, whenever it comes, IF it comes.

Just my two cents.