I'm so sad and scared

[Lightan]

Sorry to post again--- I brief brought up the topic of rtc or some type of inpatient setting with my 14 dd.  she was saying how her life is awful and her feelings scare her so i took this as an opportunity to planting a seed.  She went from no to yes to back to no -- allow over the place.  I'm not expecting her to embrace it -- but she told me was scared, doesn't trust the system because nothing has worked this far and then starting really crying saying how lonely those places are and she's afraid to be away from me.  At 14 I understand those feelings -- her only comparison is her 4 trips to the child's crisis stabilization unit at the hospital. 

Part of me completely doesn't trust the system -- what if it doesn't work, or she's abused or learns more bad habits as she has before?  I'm clean and sober almost 22 years and I went through rehab and a halfway house which saved my life but was hard nonetheless.  I was 22 so I didn't have to return home to the same environment and I was willing -- wanting to get better.  She goes through spurts where she really wants to and really tries but the consequences when she messes up are getting more and more serious and it doesn't deter her bc it keeps happening. 

I kniwmthusnisnt supposed to be easy -- but I'm just putting my fears and thoughts out there.  Has anyone else felt/worried about this? I know I have to make the tough grown up decisions -- I just wish I was completely sure going away is the right thing. 

Any help, advice, insights would be so helpful.  Thank you for reading. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[HealingSpirit]

WOW!  Lightan,

What a difficult decision to make!  It is scary because there is so much bad treatment out there, as well as good treatment.  It feels like playing Roulette finding the proper care. It sounds like you had a very productive talk with your DD though, so she KNOWS you are there for her and you want to do whatever it takes for her to feel better.

I wish I had some advice for you except to say TRUST your instincts.  It sounds very encouraging that your DD shared her biggest fears with you.  Perhaps reassuring her that you are there for her no matter what, even when she's away from you would help?

[lever.]

Never feel you need to apologise for posting Lightan. I have often come on here when I've been worried and upset and it has been so helpful.

You have difficult decisions to make and its important to research carefully.

It is good that your DD started to open up to you about her feelings.

Have you tried communicating with her using SET (support, empathy, truth). Look in the tools on the right hand side for more info.

Something like: "I understand that you feel very frightened and that life is awful and I really do want to support you. I would be very worried at the idea of living away from home too. However I am really, really worried about your safety. I will always be your mom and will be there to support you whatever we decide,"

I have found this way of communicating has helped a lot.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Lightan,



I just wanted to say hello and WELCOME to the Parenting board!

Please feel free to share and post anytime - we are here for you.

You have started the conversation, that's a good start. Keeping it positive and loving will help.

You talk about the consequences getting more and more serious... .

Have you tried having her earn privileges and keeping them as soon as she can cooperate or act responsible? What I am talking about is turning the whole thing around into a positive outlook - starting small and giving her a chance to succeed little by little?

Can you tell us more about that if you feel like exploring this?