How I got over it in a year

[dansure]

Hey people,

I am done with my studies, which means I will move away from the place where I was dating my BPD ex.

I haven't been on this board for a couple of month now, because I am quite over what happened with my ex.

Since this board helped me a lot and want to share one last post before I leave this place, because it also means I won't visit this board again, as I am pretty sure I will never see my or hear from my ex again and thus never be triggered again to think of her.

My story was similar to most of your stories. I met her 2 years ago and was crazily idolized. We started dating later on and after I went on a exchange semester and when I came back things got nasty. It started with some fights here and there and eventually reached the point where she would break up every two weeks because of minor fights and finally to the point where she raged and beat me and spilled stuff on my floor on purpose.

She also broke up all of the sudden with me and acted very typical. She was scared of me, shut me down, devalued me and our entire relationship and had simply no nice words left for me. I tried to contact her for two month after our break up before she finally revealed that she is seeing someone else. Ofc she also told me all those things you heard, like "I cannot imagine to leave without you", "I don't want to be with anyone except for you in my life" and so on.

I was devastated for 3 month. I drank a lot, isolated myself, gained a lot of weight and was depressed. I was in the FOG. However, at the beginning of the year I decided for myself to stop all that and wanted to work on myself. It was because I realized that what happened was as much my fault as hers. I didn't enforce my boundaries, I forgave too much, I let her convince me that I am aggressive and that I deserve her reactions, even though all of my friends told me that this is bullshi*t.

So why did I accept it? Because I lacked self esteem. And that was because I wasn't satisfied with myself.

I made a list with all the things I want to improve about myself. In the following month I lost weight, became outgoing again, stopped drinking and was very disciplined in many party of my life. Of course it was not like I forgot her from one day to the other. But as I met more friends, lost more weight, was more satisfied with myself I thought less and less of her. I reached the point where I do not think about her at all. Then I saw her on campus 6 weeks ago. She was sitting 3 meters away from me and could clearly see me. I didn't recognize her before she was about to leave. In fact I recognized her because she was wearing cloths that I once bought her. She changed a lot. She didn't look as cute as she looked when I met her, she looked more aggressive. She also gained some weight.

But what was most important to me is that she didn't seem to bother seeing me at all. That person that lived with me for a year and the person I was the closest to during my 4 years stay here could just ignore me like nothing. I was pretty hurt for a couple of days. I eventually had my moment of reconnection, and it confirmed everything I'd learned about BPD. She wasn't who I thought she was.  In fact, she seemed like a stranger to me, and it was a bit awkward

I realized:

- Her words didn't mean anything

- Once devalued they don't care about you at all

- If I dated her longer I would have wasted more time

- A person who is capable of completely ignoring me after only 7 month after our break up doesn't deserve my love.

Finally I saw one post here which helped me a lot:

She's already violated every possible boundary a healthy person would even begin to accept with you. It's admirable that you still care for her, but take it from someone who knows. They are wasted tears and wasted emotions. Your BPD is not thinking about you at all. She never does. She has new supply now that is meeting her emotional needs at the moment. There is no guilt. No "sigh, I miss him" crap you see in the movies. They are out laughing and having a great time in the arms of another man. Believe it and accept it or you will drive yourself off the cliff emotionally and go crazy yourself. That cloudy thinking leaves you stuck in Oz and vulnerable to that sucking sound of a very good vacuum cleaner.

This is true for all borderlines. When you first meet them they are very engaging. They suck you in. Make you feel like home. Their attention is fixated on you, and only you. You feel wanted. What you think is the "chemistry" you've been looking for, is a death trap. You need to run away. Even when they mirror you, within the first or second date, they can't keep the BPD behaviors in check

When they are mirroring you and sucking you in, remind yourself that there is a guy who really cares about her that is exactly like you. Being played. Manipulated. Used. Taken for granted. Once they smash your boundaries and you accept it, forget it. They have you and then you're in for a world of pain my friend. It never ends well with these people. They are a wrecking ball to all the lives they come in intimate contact with. You're never the only one seeing the BPD behavior and/or being a victim of it. Other people see it too. Their family knows. Deep down, unless they are crazy too. Borderlines stick out like sore thumbs to people who are rational with solid healthy boundaries in place. Healthy people avoid them like the plague.

You have a long journey ahead of you. I'd advise you to start strapping on your boots now, because you're going to go through boot camp. It's going to be an emotional hell for you to truly address the reason why you got involved with this woman. You didn't find this website by accident. None of us do. We went searching for something because we knew something just "wasn't right". Even under all the projection, blaming, rages, confusion, push pull, weird insane behaviors, there was a sane part of us that would not crumble. We googled things like "My ex cheated on me while my father was dying from cancer and now acts like I don't exist literally overnight" and up came with a million hits for BPD.

Now I am ok with being single and I don't look back at my relationship with her.

Even if it seems like you will never get over it. You will. And if you take a look at some healthy couples around you, you will realize that there is something much better to strive for than this horrible relationship with your ex! And I am also glad I met her. Back then I needed that idolization of her. And I also wouldn't want to miss what I became after the relationship. She gave something to me and I think I gave her something as well. And our time had to end.

I hope all of you will be able to close that chapter as well and use the experience to be better and stronger when you enter the next chapter of your life!

[Arminius]

Dansure, where is the quote from? It's powerful and accurate and I'd like to know the source please.

[dansure]

Its from this thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=146987.0

[Hopeless777]

Let's see now... . and sorry, but I just don't get it. You were with her for 2 years and it took you a year to get over her and you seem pretty pleased about it. I think thats great for you. But please remember than some people (like me, for instance) are breaking up with a BPDw after a 25+ year relationship (with kids, assets, businesses, that all need to be unwound.) So I guess that means that about the time I die I should be over her. Not a pleasant thought. But my congratulations to you.

[Veronykah]

"We googled things like "My ex cheated on me while my father was dying from cancer and now acts like I don't exist literally overnight" and up came with a million hits for BPD."

Ah ha ha ha. Mine came back to console me and be there for me while my dog of 10 years was dying, the started fighting with me 4 days later and a week and a half later broke up with me for being "selfish" literally minutes after consoling me while I was crying over my dog. Oh, did I mention he was also re-friending the girl he cheated on me with? Yeah. They SUCK. Just writing these things reminds me why I shouldn't waste a second being sad about him. He was a L O S E R.

[Karmachameleon]

I really like this post.  It was exactly what I needed to read today.  I believe I will feel this way sometime soon and I look forward to it.  I agree with everything you said intellectually so now I just need my emotions to catch up.

[Arminius]

Let's see now... . and sorry, but I just don't get it. You were with her for 2 years and it took you a year to get over her and you seem pretty pleased about it. I think thats great for you. But please remember than some people (like me, for instance) are breaking up with a BPDw after a 25+ year relationship (with kids, assets, businesses, that all need to be unwound.) So I guess that means that about the time I die I should be over her. Not a pleasant thought. But my congratulations to you.

Hopeless, there seems to be a hint of schadenfreude in your message. Maybe I'm mistaken?

But, I don't think the length of a relationship had to dictate the time it takes to recover. Access to good info, good people and an understanding of the issei will, WILL, shorten the recovery time.

I wish you luck. Spend time here and you will benefit. I did. And I still do. I've been here in,y a month, and it has accelerated my recovery so much. Seven year relationship, 9 months since the bomb dropped, but only 5 months since she stopped faking a reconciliation, and I'm back to being ME. Everyone can see it.

Hang in here.

[Alex86]

Let's see now... . and sorry, but I just don't get it. You were with her for 2 years and it took you a year to get over her and you seem pretty pleased about it. I think thats great for you. But please remember than some people (like me, for instance) are breaking up with a BPDw after a 25+ year relationship (with kids, assets, businesses, that all need to be unwound.) So I guess that means that about the time I die I should be over her. Not a pleasant thought. But my congratulations to you.

I was with my ex for only 6 months. I can't believe what you've been through these 25 years. Seniors like you tell us that we have been lucky that our r/s ended. But we don't listen and we want to go back. Ahh love... .

I'm thinking a quote... . "we can't get over some things, we just learn to live without them". I can't imagine your pain but I think seniors like you give us the perspective that we should be grateful that our r/s ended.

[Octoberfest]

I had a 9 month off-and-on relationship, and I am now 13 months out since the breakup and still dealing with the aftershocks. My BPDex once told me that it takes twice as long to get over someone as you were with them... . in the 13 months since we split, she has dated/been with at least 5 other dudes (all back to back, and in most cases overlapping). I don't think there is a golden rule when it comes to getting over someone (take this with a grain of salt if you feel it necessary considering my relationship with my BPDex was my first ever). I think how long it takes to get over someone has a lot more to do with who you are and where you are emotionally.  The emotion/reaction I had when reading the OP in this thread was that I don't really have self-esteem... . which is silly given all that I have going for me.  I am going to school on an academic tuition waiver that I got for my grades in high school and my ACT score.  I have a better physique than 80-90% of my peers. I have parents who have been incredibly understanding and supportive in my struggles with and since my BPDex. I have so much going for me... . and yet I feel very alone, and like I am going nowhere.  Meanwhile, my BPDex (who moved to my town at the beginning of the school year, I met her the first day she was in town) dropped out of school (or rather, she was put on academic suspension because she got such bad grades) 9 months later after a whopping 1 whole year at my school. She is 23 years old and has been married once, engaged at least 2-3 other times, and has slept with 30+ (likely, many, many more) guys, has a mom who has married and divorced 3 times and may well be BPD as well, and who is pretty average looking.  Yet I feel like she is "winning" or better than I am.  That screams self-esteem issues to me, because logically being with her only held ME back. I was the one who went to therapy with her to try and help her with her BPD.  I am the one who dealt with crisis after crisis.  She is the one who cheated on me the entire 9 months we were together, fu*ked a close friend of mine, made out with my best friend, fooled around with other "brothers" in my Fraternity, got pregnant with the child of one of the guys she was cheating on me with, and lied constantly (there are more things i didn't mention).  To anyone with self-esteem, or self-respect for that matter, the answer here is obvious: I did my best, fought the good fight, did all I could. I didn't sleep around, I didnt cheat or lie.  She cheated, she lied, she did some of the dirtiest and low things one could do.  I am set for a bright future, should I chose to do something with the tools that I have, and all the evidence says that she is destined for more of the same

[dansure]

Let's see now... . and sorry, but I just don't get it. You were with her for 2 years and it took you a year to get over her and you seem pretty pleased about it. I think thats great for you. But please remember than some people (like me, for instance) are breaking up with a BPDw after a 25+ year relationship (with kids, assets, businesses, that all need to be unwound.) So I guess that means that about the time I die I should be over her. Not a pleasant thought. But my congratulations to you.

Hey Hopeless!

Ofc I was lucky in the sense that we were only in a relationship for one year and didn't marry or had children.

But my post is not about the time it took me to get over it, it's about the approach and the things I figured out about myself in order to get over it.

I wanted to share it, so all the members here no matter how long they have been together with their ex see that eventually you will get over it and life goes on.

[going places]

Hey 777... .

May I humbly say, change your name from Hopeless777 to HopeFUL777.

Breathe words of LIFE into yourself, not words of destruction!

I have read many many places and heard it said that it takes 1 year adjustment / grieving  for every 5 years of marriage.

I would have been married 23 years this July (with him 25 in January).

My grieving started in Aug, 2011.

2 1/2 of the last 3 years have been a nightmare, but about 6 months ago, I started pulling out of the fog.

My divorce was final last Tuesday.

My home is up for sale.

And when it sells, I am moving 5 states away!

The further I get away from him, the faster I will heal, and be whole again!

[Ihope2]

Let's see now... . and sorry, but I just don't get it. You were with her for 2 years and it took you a year to get over her and you seem pretty pleased about it. I think thats great for you. But please remember than some people (like me, for instance) are breaking up with a BPDw after a 25+ year relationship (with kids, assets, businesses, that all need to be unwound.) So I guess that means that about the time I die I should be over her. Not a pleasant thought. But my congratulations to you.

I agree that everyone's situation is deeply personal and that although some folks may have the best intentions when they post their messages of how they "got out" and how they have moved on, it can be perceived to be a bit glib and a bit invalidating to those whose situation is more complex.

I don't see the above as Schadenfreude, just a bit of self-deprecating black humour to make a good point!

[Arminius]

I meant no harm in my observation and apologise if any offense was taken.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hopeless, when you put it that way it *does* sound hopeless.  But it isn't.  It is a journey out of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.  If you try too hard to look at the end-goal, it will seem too daunting.  Just one day at a time, my friend.  Known my BPD ex for 16 years.  Not 25+, but still a long time.  It gets better.  Keep focusing on your life and the road ahead of you.  Let the end-goal take care of itself.  Focus on the road.

Sometimes I get down when I think about how many years down the toilet or how I may not find the "love of my life" because I'm older, now.  But you know what... . those are small potatoes compared to the fact that I am broken out of that hell!  I still have to see my ex because we share custody of our children, and that is no fun.  But we are generally able to interact well.  Still... . I can't tell you how much better it is than being back in that constant trauma and torment.  It is worth it.  No one should have to live like that.  Being out of it is worth its weight in gold.