Im on my last rope

[goingtostopthis]

My boyfriend I feel is getting hostile again.  Ive noticed it gradually coming on in the last 3 weeks or so and each time I tell myself I need to back off a bit,  but sometimes Im not sure what that means to me, to back off.

                       I think it means I need to control myself more and not contact him as much.  He seems to be ok but t hen out of no where he will say something really mean and shocking to me.  We were havig a really good conversation and it only seemed natural to me to ask him if he wanted to Skype the next day,  but instead of getting a clear yes or no answer,  he started playing word games with me. First he said , we'll see, and then he said he didnt know because of the Mercury retrograde.      My first reaction was:  What?  and why he would say we'll see didnt make sense to me because this has all ways been something we do on a regular basis. I questioned him once about his answer,  the mercury one,   you like really?   And then he got snitty and said he was tired of feeling like he all ways has to be there for me.

                                             I lost it!  If anyone has felt that they have all ways had to be there for him,its been me. All ways listening to his problems ,mothering him when he doesnt feel well, and he never feels well. Its all ways something. Im there for him, it isnt like I tottaly resent this, but sometimes it takes dedication and that's what love is.    

It was just the way he said what he said,  like I was some kind of pain in the butt. It was really devaluing to me and I have never pushed my self on him or pressed his attention on me ever! Why he has been the one contacting ME  about 8 times out of 10 most of the time.


                         I was so mad I was ready to end it right there.  I felt humiliated,and so devalued.  I felt like he was getting ready to split on me again all over. He doesnt really care that he hurt me because... . I trusted that each time we had contact with each other ,it was because we  "both"  wanted to, not because it was some kind of obligation he felt he had to do  coming from his side.   because he wants his space or something.


                                                I just think he wants to hurt me for the drama. He gets a real power boost pushing me away (when Im not even doing anything) and then he gets his reaction and then he gets the excuse to feel justified over being an ass hoe, like hes holding his time and attention over me and sucking off my hurt and getting a non needy ego boost over it, like hes just too busy being important to give me the time of day. Ya, like playing video games all day and watching Youtubes.  

They are his insecurities and they are mean insecurities. Its a messed up game he plays.  I feel like he is being an emotional vampire to me. I dont want to play his game anymore.  You know maybe he sensed I was getting tired of all ways having to listen to him complain about his headaches he gets just about every other day, aches and complains etc.  Maybe he picked up on this because what I really want is to be close to someone who is positive and happy about their lives, he rarely is and its taxing. Id like to be with someone who is actually trying to do something with their life.  He isnt.  He wont work when he can.  He just goes for walks and then comes home and feels sorry for himself. And its like he resents me now because Im not content with this anymore, who would?

                He will never look into possibly having BPD, but according to how he lives and goes on over one excuse over another as to why things wont get better for him,   if makes one wonder.  I got so mad the other week  over his exsistence I called him a freeloader,   to myself.  He gets benefits and free rent and has been living under this system for the past 10 years.  He sabotages any chance he gets for happiness or oppurtunities in the job field.        

And now he devalueing me again, playing games on chat,  Ill ask him a question wanting to engage and he'll make me wait 5 mintues if not longer to get his reply. (one or two words only) What is he doing? mean while Im sitting here staring at the screen waiting for him.   If im disenchanted with him up to this point, Id say its for a good reason.      


                             Its because ive been working to make this an enriching, growing realtionship and  he isnt. I think if he keeps getting from me what he's getting ( good treatment and love and a lot of forgivness)  he'll never change.   He'll keep playing his insecurity games. And they are cruel.  I think ive had it with his cruelty.  I dont think I can take it anymore.  I want to be close to someone who loves me and Im not feeling it here.                                      

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Allmessedup]

Hi going to stop this:)

I don't post often here as while I am not new to the boards I am new to the staying boards

{{hugs}}. It sounds like you are going thru a lot of heart ache right now and I know that it hurts.   Been there many times.

Backing off can be very helpful.  The games are not fun but you do have the power to decide if you want to dance or not. 

Boundaries can be very helpful as well.  It's really hard not to take it personally especially when your partner is being devaluing.  However calling him out on it when he is dysregulated will likely only make things worse.  He won't hear a word you say.

I used to be on the leaving board.  Now I am here because I made a choice to renter a relationship with my gf.  My eyes were wide open.  It's really really hard sometimes though and takes a lot of working on yourself.

When my gf dysregulates I back off.  Waaaay off.   She needs time to self soothe and get her emotions back under control.  If I mix my emotions in it ends in disaster always. 

What would happen if you simply did not contact him when he is treating you poorly?

I used to be so very afraid she would leave me if I did such a thing.  That I would hurt her. 

But I have learned I can't help her while she is in that state and I only make it worse. 

And now she asks me for space if she needs it,  it's not always what I want as I would rather just deal with it and be done, but it is very much what she needs.

It hard, it's frusturating, and it can drive you crazy.  But taking that space can be very good for you both.   

Amu

[goingtostopthis]

Amu,


                 Thanks for your reply.   It feels good not to feel so alone in this. I think a big part of my problem now is this anxiety he provokes in me.  Naturally weve been close for almost a year now, of course the thought of him splitting on me and ending the relationship causes fear.  He did it once and it was pretty horrible what he put me  through.  So it puts me on edge and when he doesnt say much to me I cant help but wonder what is he thinking?

                               Its crazy because just last week he says,  I really miss you,  you know its like this,  one day he makes me feel loved and everything is ok,  and then the next week he splits off and says something really cruel,you know like doesnt want to feel obligated to talk to me.  

                 Ive been working on not taking himself so seriously. Working on focusing on other things in my life that bring me joy. Because I know the more I focus on how bad he is making me feel the worse it gets. I just send him a nice message tonight and got no answer,  I did this because he hasnt been feeling well and usually if I ask about how he is feeling he all ways answers.  Typical BPD.  But iM not being manipulative, I truely do care and want to know if hes ok because sometimes when he gets mean,  it really means he doesnt feel good. and hes been very dependant towards me to talk to when hes hurting somewhere. They are like little kids. and will just say something in the moment according to how they are feeling in that moment, regardless of how rational or true it is.  



       He has emotional problems , I have to accept this. Knowing this helps me to detach myself away when I most need to, and most likely when he needs to detach himself from me as well.  Its hard for me though sometimes because I live alone, I dont have a group of friends to distract me from. Family help a little. but basically it's just me and me here.  I get what  I call yo yo feelings.  I go up and down,  for awhile  I get strong and get busy doing my thing, Im an artist and an equestrian, I emerge my self in my horses and things Im doing for my life,... . I go on good with that for a time,... .  and then  crash... . I get real insecure and anxiest. I stare at the chat,   I check his page... .   what is he doing?  and then I start to really hate him, and then he turns in this evil person,  who knows he really could be vindictive.  <This could be  apart of his BPD.   To intentionally hurt me on purpose.  This is how it feels.   He feels like an emotionally vampire to me like he only thrives when he is sucking off my weaknesses.,meaning hurting me.  



But I know no one has the power to take anything away from me.  I know its in my best interest at this point to not tell him about my hurt feelings anymore.   It isnt worth it. If I do I will be sucked into his game and he will hurt me more.   He doesnt know what he feels, he doesnt know what he wants,if he did I wouldnt be getting these mixed messages from him, he loves me one day, hes aloof to me the next.  



  This is why I m going to work at not taking him so seriously anymore and work at detaching myself emotionally from him and go on with my own life doing the things that make me feel good, and staying away from focusng on the things he says that dont make me feel good.   Thanks  for listening

[Fanie]

   "This is why I m going to work at not taking him so seriously anymore and work at detaching myself emotionally from him and go on with my own life doing the things that make me feel good, and staying away from focusing on the things he says that dont make me feel good"

You are in charge of your own life

Do what is best for you ... .