resentment is poisoning me

[Depression = 72% of members]

Someone once told me that harboring resentment against someone is like taking poison and wanting the other person to die.

Intellectually I understand the need to be empathic and strategic while tiptoeing around my uBPDh.  I just feel like it is coming at the cost of my own sanity and emotional well being.  I feel like I am not allowed to voice my wants or dreams or wishes.  I feel like the whole purpose of my existence revolves around regulating someone else's behavior and most of the time I am left puzzled and confused and just damnnnn tired.

I am due to have a baby with this irrational person in 2 days and I feel ALO;NE.  I worry that I will be left to deal with things on my own and that my life is over... . I have 2 teenage children that he has painted black.  I feel like I am getting cheated out of enjoying their last years with me... . because I bought his fantasy about having a child during a period of amazing idealization... . now I am devalued and alone and I am so angry.  I just can't stand him but I am stuck with him... . especially with a new baby... . looking back I realize that he slowly robbed me of my personal power (of course i let him) and now I have been reduced to spending my life trying to keep my footing on a slippery slope.

Unfortunately I can't seem to get over the resenent I feel and it is really corrosive to my soul.  I feel lost.  He is also intensely antisocial and is already positioning himself as far away from friends and family as he can... . all this at a time when family and friends are so important to me.  I feel scared that he will try to alienate our son... . he did it to his daughter who is now 21 and quite stunted socially.

How do I reduce resentment so that I can stay in this marriage.  How do I avoid losing myself while I am forced to tip toe around someone who is completely dysregulated.  Am I never allowed to verbalize a difference of opinion.  How do you feel worthy inside when the person that is supposed to cherish you the most treats you like a burden and can barely tolerate you most of the time.

Sorry for rambling I am just so sad... . and I'm really disappointed at myself for getting into this mess in the first place.

[Mrs. Hyde]

Someone once told me that harboring resentment against someone is like taking poison and wanting the other person to die.

Intellectually I understand the need to be empathic and strategic while tiptoeing around my uBPDh.  I just feel like it is coming at the cost of my own sanity and emotional well being.  I feel like I am not allowed to voice my wants or dreams or wishes.  I feel like the whole purpose of my existence revolves around regulating someone else's behavior and most of the time I am left puzzled and confused and just damnnnn tired.

I am due to have a baby with this irrational person in 2 days and I feel ALO;NE.  I worry that I will be left to deal with things on my own and that my life is over... . I have 2 teenage children that he has painted black.  I feel like I am getting cheated out of enjoying their last years with me... . because I bought his fantasy about having a child during a period of amazing idealization... . now I am devalued and alone and I am so angry.  I just can't stand him but I am stuck with him... . especially with a new baby... . looking back I realize that he slowly robbed me of my personal power (of course i let him) and now I have been reduced to spending my life trying to keep my footing on a slippery slope.

Unfortunately I can't seem to get over the resenent I feel and it is really corrosive to my soul.  I feel lost.  He is also intensely antisocial and is already positioning himself as far away from friends and family as he can... . all this at a time when family and friends are so important to me.  I feel scared that he will try to alienate our son... . he did it to his daughter who is now 21 and quite stunted socially.

How do I reduce resentment so that I can stay in this marriage.  How do I avoid losing myself while I am forced to tip toe around someone who is completely dysregulated.  Am I never allowed to verbalize a difference of opinion.  How do you feel worthy inside when the person that is supposed to cherish you the most treats you like a burden and can barely tolerate you most of the time.

Sorry for rambling I am just so sad... . and I'm really disappointed at myself for getting into this mess in the first place.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

Hi Mrs Hyde

I feel for you I really do. Its a difficult time for you and you need as much support as possible.

Your problem like all of ours is that anything you say is turned back on you and becomes your fault.

My recommendation would be to stop tip toeing around him. Tell him that you need the support of him and your family and if he doesn't like that then tough.

I found with my ex that the more I tried the worse it got. Towards the end when I was beyond caring what she thought and didn't react she calmed down. Instead of saying that I would do something I would tell her I'll get round to it when its more convenient. She didn't like this but somehow it eased the pressure.

Giving her a definitive yes I'll do it only brought out the impulsive need for instant gratification.

Sometimes the best way to deal with them is to ignore them. Get on with what is needed for you and let them look after themselves. If he doesn't help out then seek help elsewhere. Don't make a big deal out of it with them. If he then says why did you ask someone else to help when I could have then say you didn't want to bother him. Let him be the one that comes to you but until then get as much help as you can elsewhere.

And take every opportunity you can to get some rest. Whether its an hour on your mums sofa or a quick nap when baby is asleep.

Good luck

[LilHurt420]

I completely understand your post.  I could have written a lot of it myself.  I am also pregnant (due in December) and have been struggling with resentment feeling that this should be my time of support instead of constantly having to tip toe around him to make sure everything is ok.  My husband is also undiagnosed and that makes it so much worse because he thinks he's fine.  I can never bring up all the things he's done wrong.  We also idealized having another child in a time when things were ok (after almost 10 years, you'd think I wouldn't fall into those times anymore... .but I always do).  I struggle with feeling like is this my life now?  Is this all I have to look forward to?  When I was pregnant with our son 6 years ago he was always out and doing his own thing, back then I felt so alone.  Now I feel even worse having to actually deal with him on a daily basis and his constant ups and downs.  Yet never being able to voice my own worries and goals.  It's tiring.  I'm also un sure of what to do or how to handle it.  Do I just let it go on or do I call him out all the time?  Either way it is exhausting and I'm losing myself in the process.

Good luck with having your baby!  Try to focus on that... .I can't wait for December for the fact at least I can put all my focus on the baby and forget about him for a little while.

[Mrs. Hyde]

Thanks for sharing

Enlighten me... .I agree that probably ignoring him is the best way to handle it.  I do notice when I ignore him in times of complete irratioanlity he does calm down... .its just hard because I feel like I have to be an advocate for this baby... .and he has rights a a father... .so when he says things like let's go to North Korea over christmas or "I'm not going to ever try to calm him down"... .like if we are in a waiting room and he's jumping on a couch he is going to encourage him t keep going... .I get sucked in feeling like I need to assert some boundary... .its tricky... .I am going to try it though cause I feel like he says things to try to antagonize me on purpose

Lilhurt... its uncanny how similar our situations are.  I have been with my H for 4 and a half years.  The first 2 years were magical... .then I was thrust into devalued Hell.I have been trying in vain to regain my position in his heart ever since(one reason I got pregnant). I am scared because he is extremely antisocial and I fear that he will try to isolate my son and will be extremely defensive if we ever disagree about parenting.  The first divorce email I received was back in April after I told him he could not take our son to work with him everyday as a form of childcare while I worked.  He controls me with money... .he said he hopes our son wants to hang out with us and not friends... .I am freaking out about this little vulnerable life.  Thanks for sharing... .you are not alone... .man do I get it... .I know exactly how you feel... .there's comfort in knowing I'm not alone... .take care of yourself and your baby... .pm me if you ever want to vent

[Grey Kitty]

Hello, and welcome here! It sounds like you are stuck in quite a situation right now. I hope he is somewhat better after you deliver your child.

Readign what you said... .

... .looking back I realize that he slowly robbed me of my personal power (of course i let him) and now I have been reduced to spending my life trying to keep my footing on a slippery slope.

Unfortunately I can't seem to get over the resenent I feel and it is really corrosive to my soul.  I feel lost.  ... .

How do I reduce resentment so that I can stay in this marriage.  How do I avoid losing myself while I am forced to tip toe around someone who is completely dysregulated.

My take on resentment is that it is a natural result from the way you've been treated--consider resentment to be a cue that perhaps you need to enforce some boundaries to better protect yourself. It is much easier to let go of resentment of things that you aren't having to live with anymore than of things going on right now.

The place to start is by realizing that you are not forced to tip toe around somebody, or what you are afraid they might do. You have better options.

If you haven't found them yet, the lessons have all sorts of good stuff for you (links in right sidebar ---->> >> ). I'd recommend you start with the workshop(s) on boundaries.