allweareisallweare
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 115
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« on: June 25, 2014, 02:40:19 PM » |
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Hello, to all members, new and old!
I am returning back to the board after a lengthy absence - as we all know, life just buries you - and so here is what I have to say.
I used to post, as I say. When I stopped, I was nearly seven months NC. I ended up violating that NC - I didn't receive a response to an email I sent - I literally don't know if my ex is dead or alive.
I was unblocked by one of her friends on Facebook prior to or just after I emailed. What is going on there? I feel like contacting the person who unblocked me and just what the heck'ing her - as well as telling her all the things I have been denied the chance to tell the ex before NC ensued - i.e that she was a coward who was too weak to be alone, in some vague vain obtuse hope - and the word is hope - that she would pass that on to her- for what ends I don't know.
It just really gives rise to more confusion - I know that going on without any answers, closure etc and surviving a BPD breakup has killed me anyway. It's been a year nearly now and frankly I've failed, I've lost the fight I've done the best I could to try and overcome and move on but I'm not healed - perhaps conspecific stresses in life is making that harder, if not impossible, I'm at the end of my tether with literally every aspect of life anyway - I've found every single process like trying to fight through barbed wire.
What do you think? Remember, she is diagnosed with BPD so there's less straw-clutching, but ... . I am worried she has taken (another) fall or something, hence the no reply - which ties in with her, as someone told me, not having changed her FB profile picture (i.e is she inactive for sinister reasons) I'm not suggesting at all that she is dead - it is strange, all these things go through your head, as NC dictates, but ... . you can see, I'm in no way shape or form in a position to put this all behind me yet. Maybe I'd have a fighting chance if it wasn't for the other things but I'm in that mid-twenties malaise so ... . but yeah, wow... . why was the friend unblocking me - do I message her about that, I'm close; what do you think about her apparent disappearance and non-response to my email, given her history and out-and-out diagnosis of BPD.
It's too simple to say she had no desire to reply, what with her (obviously!) still spying on me by proxy via the friend (who surely must have unblocked me for that purpose)
It could be that she has, as I predicted right here on this very board and not out of smugness or schadenfreude I may add as my life isn't rosy, taken a fall, been institutionalized (as she had been before we met) - which would be news to me whether I had 'moved on' or not. I don't know... . I just don't know and it's making the hard harder still - it's not as if I love her because there is not a trace of affection I have left not even buried in the subconscious. It's a case of... . obv. I haven't recovered from the shock and awe ... . I just expect closure of the slightest sort, every waking day I need it, perhaps, to say right this is done here. But it doesn't come.
And the purely (haha) selfish bit I wish we could have had the dialogue, there's so many things I would want her to hear. Is that selfish, what to get the BPD to hear something? Isn't that why NC is inevitably broken? Because we think we'd help ourselves by trying to add something. A grasping, dangerous (desperate?, as they're sick and never are going to preach empathy, come on) attempt at a cure?
Anyway, briefly, my background is: five and a half years long distance, I'd see her, she me; one day she gets a job in a neighbouring country - a month later there's telltale signs, I declare war, three days later she has somebody else and we are no more. As I say she's diagnosed.
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