DD's rages - part 1

[Parents! Get help here!]

I don't even know where to start with the chaos my dd has been starting.  This will probably be a two part post.  I don't want to scare anyone off with a long novel.  I don;t know how to shorten it.  It would be time consuming for me to edit it for brevity.  I need to get to bed, soon.

  My dh gave her his car as a long term loan.  She was to return it to him, after she obtained a job. She was getting money from Welfare to help her get a car.   However, she needed to have a job, first. She got her license back mid march.  My dh gave her the car, her license was valid.  She managed to get hired at a job in April.  However, job offer was rescinded while she was in preliminary orientation.  Her criminal background report came back, and she failed it.  She told them about her retail theft charge in interview, and that was seven years ago.  However, it was not seven years for her conviction. They told her they could not hire her, and to try back in another year.

Then, she was came home and got a did a follow up phone call to another job she applied to.  They scheduled an interview.  She was hired.  Again, during her training, she was let go.  She was terminated because they said that she lied on her application.  She applied online, and answered that she never worked for them before.  She misunderstood question.  She said that she thought they meant this specific location.  She worked for them about 9 years ago, at a different location about 80 miles form this one.  Her old address showed up, and it raised a red flag, as her address showed 80 miles away.

My dh's car was older, but it had about another year of life to it.  Of course, that was if you took care of it, by not ignoring oil lights, and strange noises.  Also, it was overheating.  My dd just kept putting water in it.  We paid to put a new radiator into it.  Then, my dh went to check it out, and noticed the brakes were gone.  My dd had a fit, that he was messing with the car.  Shame on him for trying to save "his car"!  Anyways, he drove it to garage to have them fixed.  Two days later, it died, and it had to be towed to garage.  It took a week, and a used starter later, to learn the problem was electrical.  Finally, we decided to throw in towel.  $150 later, we call it quits.  Too much to put anymore into a a vehicle that was 16 years old.  We pretty much predicted that my daughter would destroy the car.  My dh thinks that it was from her charging her cell phone in it. I don't know. 

So, now my dd things that she can just drive my only car we have now.  After all, she has things to do that are important.  I was always strict with not allowing her to use my car.  I eased up a little for things like driving to her first job, since her car was acting up.  That was for two days.  Then it was for other important appointments that I did not feel like driving her to.  I told her that it was only for certain appt. and not to get ideas about taking it for leisure.  And, I had reservations that giving her that inch would lead to a mile. 

To be cont'd... .

[peaceplease]

I don't even know where to start with the chaos my dd has been starting.  This will probably be a two part post.  I don't want to scare anyone off with a long novel.  I don;t know how to shorten it.  It would be time consuming for me to edit it for brevity.  I need to get to bed, soon.

  My dh gave her his car as a long term loan.  She was to return it to him, after she obtained a job. She was getting money from Welfare to help her get a car.   However, she needed to have a job, first. She got her license back mid march.  My dh gave her the car, her license was valid.  She managed to get hired at a job in April.  However, job offer was rescinded while she was in preliminary orientation.  Her criminal background report came back, and she failed it.  She told them about her retail theft charge in interview, and that was seven years ago.  However, it was not seven years for her conviction. They told her they could not hire her, and to try back in another year.

Then, she was came home and got a did a follow up phone call to another job she applied to.  They scheduled an interview.  She was hired.  Again, during her training, she was let go.  She was terminated because they said that she lied on her application.  She applied online, and answered that she never worked for them before.  She misunderstood question.  She said that she thought they meant this specific location.  She worked for them about 9 years ago, at a different location about 80 miles form this one.  Her old address showed up, and it raised a red flag, as her address showed 80 miles away.

My dh's car was older, but it had about another year of life to it.  Of course, that was if you took care of it, by not ignoring oil lights, and strange noises.  Also, it was overheating.  My dd just kept putting water in it.  We paid to put a new radiator into it.  Then, my dh went to check it out, and noticed the brakes were gone.  My dd had a fit, that he was messing with the car.  Shame on him for trying to save "his car"!  Anyways, he drove it to garage to have them fixed.  Two days later, it died, and it had to be towed to garage.  It took a week, and a used starter later, to learn the problem was electrical.  Finally, we decided to throw in towel.  $150 later, we call it quits.  Too much to put anymore into a a vehicle that was 16 years old.  We pretty much predicted that my daughter would destroy the car.  My dh thinks that it was from her charging her cell phone in it. I don't know. 

So, now my dd things that she can just drive my only car we have now.  After all, she has things to do that are important.  I was always strict with not allowing her to use my car.  I eased up a little for things like driving to her first job, since her car was acting up.  That was for two days.  Then it was for other important appointments that I did not feel like driving her to.  I told her that it was only for certain appt. and not to get ideas about taking it for leisure.  And, I had reservations that giving her that inch would lead to a mile. 

To be cont'd... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi peaceplease!

Sounds like this is going to be an ongoing issue that you will have to deal with. 

Are you prepared to deal with the fall out?  No matter how much blame she places on you?  Who's responsibility is it to get her to work?  Who's responsibility is it to provide transportation to her?  Who's responsibility is it?  Keep the responsibility where it belongs... . with her.

Making statements that begin with "I am willing to ... . " makes it very clear what you are willing to do and not willing to do.  Some days you may be willing to do more than other days and that is ok.  At no is it a good idea to violate your own boundaries.  If that does happen apologize, admit that it was a mistake on your part. Clearly restate your boundary and stick to defending the boundary once more. 

I hope the saga doesn't last too long... . our kids can be relentless sometimes!

lbjnltx

[peaceplease]

lbjlntx,

   Yes.  The responsibility does belong to her. 

She seems to be spiraling out of control these days.  And, I realize that I have taken some steps back, and thinking how I can move forward again.  I can deal with her ranting and raging.  My dh loses control so easy, and can be immature in exchange of words at times.  And, other times, he can keep his cool.  Well, he just does not explode back at her.  He will bite his tongue, and I know he is a boiling tea kettle.

The bigger problem is her raging in front of my mother.  And, my gs. 

She will be getting her car in a week, so perhaps, then we have our peace, again. Meanwhile, I need my dh to be on the same page as me.

Thanks for your words of wisdom.

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

peaceplease -  

Hang in there. I am thinking of you. So many look to you to solve their problems, and you have always been so good at helping. It is a hard pattern to modify.

qcr