Contrast

[Blimblam]

1.  The way she looked at me. It felt like getting hit with the thunderbolt in the movie the godfather.  That initial smile.  I swear it was love at first sight. Like I could do no wrong and I was so funny.  I felt a mental blockage lift and the floodgates poured out a ton of creativity.  I felt like I was the richest man alive.  I felt like I could walk into an improv place and do stand up comedy.  I was inspired. I had found my muse. Every nuance of her presence had  the very essence of divine feminine beauty the way she moved and the expression in her face I swear she could tame a lion.

2.  Every nuance of her being expressed disapproval that I was a failure. She would be frustrated at every move I made.  Every word that came out of my mouth was a failure.  I could do nothing right in her eyes.  I began to stutter became clumsy out of focus. I remember I was pouring a glass of water and she gave me that look and my hand began to shake and I spilled it and she told me you "you just cant do anything right." I don't understand how I had got to that point and how so subtly she was able to influence me to fail in every single thing I did.  The sadistic pleasure she got out of my suffering haunts me. When I finally broke and my mind snapped and I entered a sort of paranoid schizoid delirium that lasted several days.  It was only then that I picked up on the subtlest of her behaviors sickening, incestuous, sadistic, manipulative. A particular brand of fickle cunning so subtle yet so complex and deep.  I realized I was getting hustled and this girl was capable of things that seemed inhuman.  That she had true grit, like the movie... . a real gangster, not bound by the world of morality that I lived in.  

[Skip]

When I finally broke and my mind snapped and I entered a sort of paranoid schizoid delirium that lasted several days.  It was only then that I picked up on the subtlest of her behaviors sickening, incestuous, sadistic, manipulative. A particular brand of fickle cunning so subtle yet so complex and deep.  I realized I was getting hustled and this girl was capable of things that seemed inhuman.  

Wow Blim,

What was she doing?  And what happened when you snapped?

[Blimblam]

hi skip,

well, when my mind snapped.  I was at her moms with her for the holidays and I ended up reading her texts on her phone and found out she had been lying to me and cheating.  Also, at the time  she had already been wearing me down with her abusive behavior.  I guess that was the final straw.  When I found out I had been awake for about 30 hours already and did not sleep for about 30 more.  My body had been through the wringer the 3 months up until that point in time.

When the abusive behavior started I was in a weakened state already.  I was at the time working 60 hour work weeks of physical labor on a sprained ankle. Also I was giving my 100% effort every minute of those 60 hours.  I was also losing sleep 1 or 2 nights a week from the stress. I put on about 30 pounds in 3 months, 10 to 15 of those being muscle. I was at my maximum capacity energy expenditure wise and she took advantage.

She began to be secretive with her phone.  Having "girls" nights on the weekends.  Invalidating me more and more day by day.  lying constantly and gas lighting me.  Playing the victim and complaining a lot.  She guilt tripped me about working so much, being tired, being boring, not cooking how I used to, not being fun, for being sore, and even for being injured.  She began to invalidate me on all sorts of things.  When she would see me reach my limits energy expenditure wise she would make a lot of belittling comments in extremely hurtfull ways. When I would ask her to contribute more she twisted it around as me being needy and controlling.  

I felt like nothing I could do was enough. She really played into that insecurity and started calling me grandpa. I called her out on it but it would slip now and then.  I realized that is what she called me behind her back.  I learned she had been complaining about me constantly behind my back and finding replacements. the snide comments cloaked in sugar and when asked what she meant being gaslit.  At the time I fully trusted her still.  I felt by working so much and not having a lot of energy for her and needing some help at the time I was being a strain on the relationship. She made sure I felt I was the problem. She became extremely invalidating and patronizing.  She would project on me constantly.  She began to rebel against me as if I was the "punitive" parent.

At first I was able to handle dealing with her nonsense but slowly she just wore me down.  She made me feel disgusting and that my touch was revolting and repulsive.  I had been studying for a career in massage therapy and this really was a blow to my ego.  I was under the impression I was especially gifted at that.  My self esteem and ability to defend myself eroded.  I felt about 1 inch tall.  Once she saw me questioning my own abilities on all kinds of things she stepped up the invalidation to the point I felt incapable of even brushing my teeth properly.  My bounderies had been eroded and I felt helpless.  My bounderies only fell about less than a month before going to her moms, and the final blow of finding out about the cheating.

I figured once the busy season ended that I would have more time for the relationship and things would smooth over.

[goldylamont]

wow blimblam. what a story. i think you write well. it is shocking to find out how sadistic our partners could be with their punishments. not everything they did with this in mind, but still enough of it to really pull the rug from under your feet once you realize the depths that they would go to. it sounds like you internalized some of her devaluing, which must have been incredibly tough to deal with. i hope you know that this had nothing to do with you, no matter who you were or how you were to behave the devaluation is simply part of her behavior. she would have done it to anyone (still continues to). i remember thinking to myself during one of my ex's devaluations "this woman wants to *break* me. and, she really thinks she *can*". i'm fortunate that i didn't internalize the things she said, but it was still devastating realizing that she wanted to hurt me so much. not at all to sound flippant, but just to put it in perspective, what you and i went through was garden variety emotional abuse my friend.

[Blimblam]

wow blimblam. what a story. i think you write well. it is shocking to find out how sadistic our partners could be with their punishments. not everything they did with this in mind, but still enough of it to really pull the rug from under your feet once you realize the depths that they would go to. it sounds like you internalized some of her devaluing, which must have been incredibly tough to deal with. i hope you know that this had nothing to do with you, no matter who you were or how you were to behave the devaluation is simply part of her behavior. she would have done it to anyone (still continues to). i remember thinking to myself during one of my ex's devaluations "this woman wants to *break* me. and, she really thinks she *can*". i'm fortunate that i didn't internalize the things she said, but it was still devastating realizing that she wanted to hurt me so much. not at all to sound flippant, but just to put it in perspective, what you and i went through was garden variety emotional abuse my friend.

Thanks goldy,

In the last few weeks on the boards I have made a lot of progress.  Although when triggered I still have suicidal ideation.  I guess I did internalize the devaluing.  What I am trying to figure out is why? Why did I put up with it?  How to address the trauma that has come to overshadow every aspect of my life?  What aspects of it are her projections and which are my own demons?  I want answers. 

To quote Maynard James Keenen of Tool, "I wanna feel the change consume me, Feel the outside turning in. I wanna feel the metamorphosis and Cleansing I've endured within My shadow "

[BorisAcusio]

wow blimblam. what a story. i think you write well. it is shocking to find out how sadistic our partners could be with their punishments. not everything they did with this in mind, but still enough of it to really pull the rug from under your feet once you realize the depths that they would go to. it sounds like you internalized some of her devaluing, which must have been incredibly tough to deal with. i hope you know that this had nothing to do with you, no matter who you were or how you were to behave the devaluation is simply part of her behavior. she would have done it to anyone (still continues to). i remember thinking to myself during one of my ex's devaluations "this woman wants to *break* me. and, she really thinks she *can*". i'm fortunate that i didn't internalize the things she said, but it was still devastating realizing that she wanted to hurt me so much. not at all to sound flippant, but just to put it in perspective, what you and i went through was garden variety emotional abuse my friend.

Thanks goldy,

In the last few weeks on the boards I have made a lot of progress. Although when triggered I still have suicidal ideation.  I guess I did internalize the devaluing. What I am trying to figure out is why? Why did I put up with it?  How to address the trauma that has come to overshadow every aspect of my life?  What aspects of it are her projections and which are my own demons?  I want answers.  

I'm struggling with the same. Why put up with devaluation from someone who can barely function in daily tasks, live a parasitic life with no career, education or even a long term job? I came up with the answer that all those insecurities were there long before I met her, she just got through the defensive facade I developed over time.

[BacknthSaddle]

wow blimblam. what a story. i think you write well. it is shocking to find out how sadistic our partners could be with their punishments. not everything they did with this in mind, but still enough of it to really pull the rug from under your feet once you realize the depths that they would go to. it sounds like you internalized some of her devaluing, which must have been incredibly tough to deal with. i hope you know that this had nothing to do with you, no matter who you were or how you were to behave the devaluation is simply part of her behavior. she would have done it to anyone (still continues to). i remember thinking to myself during one of my ex's devaluations "this woman wants to *break* me. and, she really thinks she *can*". i'm fortunate that i didn't internalize the things she said, but it was still devastating realizing that she wanted to hurt me so much. not at all to sound flippant, but just to put it in perspective, what you and i went through was garden variety emotional abuse my friend.

Thanks goldy,

In the last few weeks on the boards I have made a lot of progress. Although when triggered I still have suicidal ideation.  I guess I did internalize the devaluing. What I am trying to figure out is why? Why did I put up with it?  How to address the trauma that has come to overshadow every aspect of my life?  What aspects of it are her projections and which are my own demons?  I want answers.  

I'm struggling with the same. Why put up with devaluation from someone who can barely function in daily tasks, live a parasitic life with no career, education or even a long term job? I came up with the answer that all those insecurities were there long before I met her, she just got through the defensive facade I developed over time.

Yes. She sensed, probably not consciously, that these insecurities were present, and thus that you would be seducible through intense mirroring.  This is how I think it works in my case. The gap between my ability to function (and those of my friends and loved ones) and the ability of my ex to function is so vast that I simply cannot understand logically how HER devaluation could mean anything at all to me.  This is someone who I had to "save" from abusing pills for god's sake.  But like you Boris, I've started to realize that these insecurities aren't about her at all, that they've long been there, and that the mere fact that I have to compare my "ability to function to hers" in order to feel better is evidence of those insecurities. 

[Blimblam]

BOris and BLack,

That makes sense.  At the time I got with her I was at a low point in my life.  I Had gotten divorced 6 months prior, I suffered an injury that was potential debilitating for life to my dominant hand and thus was 1 handed.  Out of work due to the injury. Had been living in an invalidating environment for a while that had taken a toll on my self esteem.  Feeling misunderstood and as if no one saw my potential.

A couple years prior to that point and I had an abundance of confidence was in amazing shape was inspired and passionate.  A series of unfortunate events had led me to a point of being in a position where I internalized the invalidation of family members of mine.  They still do it and they have my entire lives. They take no responsibilities for their toxicity.  They want so desperately to be in a 1 up position they abuse me in that way.  They took advantage of my unfortunate series of events and my weakened states and use that as proof to define me as unworthy of validation.

[BacknthSaddle]

A series of unfortunate events had led me to a point of being in a position where I internalized the invalidation of family members of mine.  They still do it and they have my entire lives. They take no responsibilities for their toxicity.  They want so desperately to be in a 1 up position they abuse me in that way.  They took advantage of my unfortunate series of events and my weakened states and use that as proof to define me as unworthy of validation.

Right.  So, regardless of where your self-confidence was at any given point in time, this undoubtedly had an affect on you.  If nothing else, having people in your life who consistently devalue you is not alien to you, and that alone makes you more susceptible to this type of relationship. 

I've been thinking today: if a friend told me that he was with a woman who was talking about having a life and kids with him, saying "I'm madly in love with you," saying "Please don't ever leave me," worrying "am I losing you," etc, and then in a matter of weeks acted like that person was completely insignificant, was devaluing, name-calling, saying "there's no chance of anything happening with us," etc... . I'd say something was wrong with that woman.  But, when the exact same thing happened to me, I thought there must be something wrong with ME.  At least at first.  And that's what made it clear to me that my self-worth needed work. 

[Blimblam]

It is so hard to recover in the midst of it with people that constantly trigger me... I think I need to call all my clients and make up an excuse to get out of work this week. 

I was feeling good and asked my Dad to come with me for support. But the way he talked to me triggered me and I don't know If I will be able to recover for a few hours. Potentially costing me thousands of dollars. now I am having suicidal ideation and if I try to push myself I will have a full blown panic attack.  I am really in a bind.  Why can't they see themselves and their effect on me?  A few years after not living with them I had reworked my self esteem and I felt extremely capable for years. 

[goldylamont]

It is so hard to recover in the midst of it with people that constantly trigger me... I think I need to call all my clients and make up an excuse to get out of work this week.  

I was feeling good and asked my Dad to come with me for support. But the way he talked to me triggered me and I don't know If I will be able to recover for a few hours. Potentially costing me thousands of dollars. now I am having suicidal ideation and if I try to push myself I will have a full blown panic attack.  I am really in a bind.  Why can't they see themselves and their effect on me?  A few years after not living with them I had reworked my self esteem and I felt extremely capable for years.  

blimblam i'm wondering if this could be a clue for your healing and recovery now--to step away from anyone who threatens your self esteem. perhaps not just your ex but even friends/family if they are invalidating? your last sentence seems pretty direct that your self esteem grew and was strong for years simply by not living around energy vampires (not that they are really vampires but in a sense they will drain this energy from you till your batteries run dry).

also, I think you may really like some of the thoughts left by Jeff Brown. i found him via a friend about a year ago. from his posts/writings he's had a lot of experience dealing with emotionally abusive family/friends/exes. his perspective is healthy but in no way passive--he doesn't try and shine up turds with 'positivity' which i really appreciate. check it out maybe:

https://www.facebook.com/SOULSHAPING

a post of his from yesterday (he's got hundreds like this):

"I grew up in a home where love was measured by abuse. Not only did they abuse those they loved, but they measured our love for them by the amount of pain we were willing to endure at their hands. Talk about a recipe for disaster in later life, where pure, vulnerable love appeared suspicious by contrast. Little did they know that our willingness to endure their abuse was not a measure of love- it was a reflection of our self-hatred. You don’t endure abuse because you love someone- you endure it because you don’t love yourself. Once you do the work to regain your sense of worth, abuse becomes an impossible path."

[Blimblam]

yes,

But I am stuck in debt with this business and have lost a lot of business the last month or so and do not have  means to get away from them right now.

I think I will sell the business whats left of it anyway and pursure a lawsuit against a former employer where I was injured.

also my parents were not extremely abusive.  Just emotionally cut off and distant.  MY step mom invalidating.  And my brother abusive.  ALso from age 1-3 I had no mother except every other weekend.

none the less it is toxic.