More encouragement to let go

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

They leave you with a burden that is immense and unbearable.  It is the accumulation of all the pain they have inflicted on you, all the betrayal, and especially all the blame.  Even the way they constantly discard us and walk away says, "You're nothing, but I'm awesome.  And look at how easily everybody else sees it."  And this burden is carried and then compounded because of the fact that it is so wrong.  As we heal, our anger linked to pain surfaces, and we demand that there be justice.  We demand that *they* be the losers and that the world recognize it. 

And this only makes things worse, because we have zero control over any of this.  So, bitterness cements the chains around our hands that tie us to this burden, and it actually fulfills their victory -that we remain forever chained to them and be the carrier of the burdens.  Everything we wish upon them actually becomes ours -we drink the poison, ourselves.  They get to project all of their crap onto us, and in our anger and bitterness we swallow it all.  They get to stride on through life and to their next victims as the victor, and we remain the losers. 

But in the end, it is only our choice and truly only within our power to finally decide we no longer want to carry that burden.  We are the only ones who can get to the place where we decide to put it down and never pick it back up again.

Why do they do it? I don't really know, but I suspect it is driven by their undying need to feel like somebody. My ex's mother, though not knowing every aspect of our story, suggested to me on more than one occasion that she believes her daughter is actually jealous of me.  So, she seeks to destroy and cut others (me) down so that she feels more powerful and good about herself. The best case for them is to have a good, kind, and carying person with lots of potential feel like they are a total loser and be wrapped up in them.


It's the whole "Who's the winner and who's the loser" game.  Here's what it looks like if it could be summarized into a dialog:


Them:  I'm the winner.  You're the loser!  Look at me!  Look at me!  Happy as can be!

Us:  (writhing in pain)  "No... but that's not true!  Look at all you have done!"

Them:  Oh yeah?  Well, who is the one walking away like its nothing?  Who is the happy one who has a great new life?  Not you!  Who is the one with all these new friends?  Not you!

Us:  But, that's not right!  You're playing games and putting that on me!

Them:  No.  I'm not doing anything.  It's simply that you cannot get over it.  It's you who is the problem.  I'm innocent.  I'm just a happy person, and you're the unhappy one.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger)  Grrrrrrrrr  (churning ourselves up inside)

Them:  See?  Look at you.  It's your fault.  You're the loser, and I'm fine.  Others agree.  I told you for years it was you.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger) Grrrrrrrrrrrr (churning ourselves up inside more, feeling lower and lower, as our bitterness squelches our life and we "become" the loser in the game.  We fulfill the role they wrote for us.)

Until... .

Us:  That's nice, but I no longer care for this game.  I put the ball down a while ago.  I'm free, and I know who I am.  I don't need to play the "who's the winner and who's the loser" game anymore.


Despite what they say, they *need* for us to be the loser.  It helps them survive.  Their fragile ego depends on it.  If we are the loser in the game, that means they get to be the winner.  If we are the miserable one, they get to be the happy one.  And we carry the role of the blamed one, and they get to be the strong ones who just made a few mistakes and now are free from us.  This is a more advanced and insidious form of projection called "Projective Identification." The only way out is to get out of the game, to put the ball down for good and never pick it back up.

[OutOfEgypt]

They leave you with a burden that is immense and unbearable.  It is the accumulation of all the pain they have inflicted on you, all the betrayal, and especially all the blame.  Even the way they constantly discard us and walk away says, "You're nothing, but I'm awesome.  And look at how easily everybody else sees it."  And this burden is carried and then compounded because of the fact that it is so wrong.  As we heal, our anger linked to pain surfaces, and we demand that there be justice.  We demand that *they* be the losers and that the world recognize it. 

And this only makes things worse, because we have zero control over any of this.  So, bitterness cements the chains around our hands that tie us to this burden, and it actually fulfills their victory -that we remain forever chained to them and be the carrier of the burdens.  Everything we wish upon them actually becomes ours -we drink the poison, ourselves.  They get to project all of their crap onto us, and in our anger and bitterness we swallow it all.  They get to stride on through life and to their next victims as the victor, and we remain the losers. 

But in the end, it is only our choice and truly only within our power to finally decide we no longer want to carry that burden.  We are the only ones who can get to the place where we decide to put it down and never pick it back up again.

Why do they do it? I don't really know, but I suspect it is driven by their undying need to feel like somebody. My ex's mother, though not knowing every aspect of our story, suggested to me on more than one occasion that she believes her daughter is actually jealous of me.  So, she seeks to destroy and cut others (me) down so that she feels more powerful and good about herself. The best case for them is to have a good, kind, and carying person with lots of potential feel like they are a total loser and be wrapped up in them.


It's the whole "Who's the winner and who's the loser" game.  Here's what it looks like if it could be summarized into a dialog:


Them:  I'm the winner.  You're the loser!  Look at me!  Look at me!  Happy as can be!

Us:  (writhing in pain)  "No... but that's not true!  Look at all you have done!"

Them:  Oh yeah?  Well, who is the one walking away like its nothing?  Who is the happy one who has a great new life?  Not you!  Who is the one with all these new friends?  Not you!

Us:  But, that's not right!  You're playing games and putting that on me!

Them:  No.  I'm not doing anything.  It's simply that you cannot get over it.  It's you who is the problem.  I'm innocent.  I'm just a happy person, and you're the unhappy one.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger)  Grrrrrrrrr  (churning ourselves up inside)

Them:  See?  Look at you.  It's your fault.  You're the loser, and I'm fine.  Others agree.  I told you for years it was you.  I'm right.

Us:  (burning with anger) Grrrrrrrrrrrr (churning ourselves up inside more, feeling lower and lower, as our bitterness squelches our life and we "become" the loser in the game.  We fulfill the role they wrote for us.)

Until... .

Us:  That's nice, but I no longer care for this game.  I put the ball down a while ago.  I'm free, and I know who I am.  I don't need to play the "who's the winner and who's the loser" game anymore.


Despite what they say, they *need* for us to be the loser.  It helps them survive.  Their fragile ego depends on it.  If we are the loser in the game, that means they get to be the winner.  If we are the miserable one, they get to be the happy one.  And we carry the role of the blamed one, and they get to be the strong ones who just made a few mistakes and now are free from us.  This is a more advanced and insidious form of projection called "Projective Identification." The only way out is to get out of the game, to put the ball down for good and never pick it back up.

[brokenbutalive]

Superb post OutOfEgypt. Thankyou.

[peiper]

Thank you.

[Tausk]

Thank you for your post.  I have felt this way many times.  My ex had a glorious wedding with the man she cheated on me.  My friends at the wedding know somethings wrong with her, but to the other people, it just seems like she found her true love.

And I was around to help her set the foundations to move to my town, helped her to meet her new husband, helped to get into graduation school... . taught her how to be stable enough to capture a husband and live in a house... .

It hurts and it's a caustically bitter pill to swallow.  Especially since she now lives in my town instead of 100 miles away.

So how can I recover and move on and let go?  How do I not stay in anger and spite and victim mentality for the rest of my life.  How do I not let this interaction consume me.  Because it sometimes feels like everything that was good about me was used up and then turned back on me, and I've been left on the side of road as the rotten carcass of an animal that got hit by the camper that my ex and her husband are driving.

I recovery, detach, depersonalize by looking at how the Disorder affected me.  Anyone can cheat, steal, lie and abandon.  But with the Disorder, there are other special circumstances.  And I learn about the Disorder, and I do my best to think of my past in terms of the Disorder.  And that allows me to move on.

Some people don't recover.  Some people are stuck in anger and victimhood.  Some people would rather wait a lifetime for the exes to change.  

I could be one of those people.  So that's why I'm on this Board.  

And when I think that my ex is living the great life and she is happy with her new husband.  I know that maybe she's happier with him than me.  We were just triggers for each other.  And I actually intuitively knew when they started to cheat that he was a better fit than me.   He's much more calm.

But I know that real happiness is beyond them.  The Disorder precludes happiness and healthy relating.  She hasn't done the therapy needed.  He's too lost in rescuing.  Neither of them want to grow up.  So the best they can hope for is survival.  

Perhaps they can find the long term therapy both of them will need to change.  But it will take years and years, and the vast majority of 40 y.o. functional pwBPD aren't able to seek the therapy, look at themselves, and move through the pain.  

So the best they can hope for is survival.  But happiness... . maybe, but then again maybe they will also win the Powerball.

Identify the Disorder.  Identify the effects of the Disorder.  Identify why I got lost in the Disorder.  Identify how to move beyond the Disorder.  Others have done it, I hope I can follow in their path.

In support

T

[Blimblam]

Thank you.

^this

[Strangerinthemirror]

Thanks OoE for your post. It helped.

[Blimblam]

outofegypt ,

this post is great and sums up how I feel so much.  It is so hard for me to let go of though.  I must have read this 20 times already.

[goldylamont]

so insightful OutOfEgypt! i love the dialogue it's so true to my experience, and apparently to many others.

[Blimblam]

I am going to print this out and put it on my mirror so I read it as I start my day everyday.

[trappedinlove]

OoE, yes, we better not play this game.

Yet, I re-read your post and the emphasis you put on "THEY" vs. "US" indicates to me the game is still on in your mind.

Sadly I think both side lost in this game.

There is a lot of pain when the r/s fails and breaks up and it's just that pwBPD might be better at playing the happy act and dissociating from their pain and invalidating any pain they inflicted due to their incapacity to deal with their guilt.  This is one of their survival mechanisms.

Anyhow, detaching means we no longer look to blame "them" or anyone for our pain but we just accept it and deal with it.

[buterfly]

Love this! Very poetic. It explains so well the current nature of my experience. Well written.