How do you go NC with a suicidal BPD mother?

[lm1109]

I have reached my breaking point. I can no longer handle my abusive mother. I am physically tired and emotionally drained and I am now at the point where she has said so many hurtful painful things to me that I can no longer deal with her or forgive her. I have only been in the relationship for the past 6 years because of guilt and a sick sense of obligation to take care of her. I moved out at 18 years old and pretty much had nothing to do with her... when I was 19 my brother(only sibling) committed suicide and I was sucked back in. I had to be the caregiver of a grief stricken mother. She has told me on a number of occasions that if it were not for the relationship with me and my kids that she would kill herself too. Here is the issue... . she is the sickest nastiest most miserable individual on the face of the planet. She doesn't actually want a relationship with my kids she wants to PRETEND to have a relationship with them. They are young and she CANT stand them! But she LIES to everyone who will listen about how much she loves them and takes care of them(never)! I am 27 with a 5 year old, almost 2 year old, and an 8 month old(all boys )... . she does nothing for me but try to make me feel like a piece of crap! She pretends her and my brother had a great relationship... now that hes dead! She hated him and treated him like dirt... now she is doing the same to me. She is a compulsive liar and believes all her own lies. I HAVE to go NC NOW! I have no other choice at this point. She is the most toxic person I have ever seen! I do NOT want her around my children and I do NOT want to talk to her ever again! We got into a huge fight and at the end she threw the phone and was screaming that she was done and wants to die. I have told my dad he needed to take her gun OUT of her house but he is an EXTREME enabler! And Im sure he never did. She is home alone and I am not willing to call anymore to make sure she has not hurt herself like I normally do in these situations, I just cant! I am not willing to even talk to her again! How do you remove yourself from someone who says they commit suicide if you do? And to me... . after dealing with my brothers suicide... it is a REAL threat! I don't want to have to live my life blaming myself because my mom killed herself. I told my husband YEARS ago... she wants me to have to live with it... . it will be her ultimate jab at me! It will be her last hoorah! For whatever reason she wants her own child(children) to be miserable and hate themselves! What do I do? I know I have to get away! Do I try to get her committed? I just am so lost right now. As much as I tell myself she is nuts and not to worry about what she thinks, at the end of the day, I am devastated that I have no brother, no dad(because he always follows her), and a mom who despises me for no reason!

[peaceat54]

Hi lm,

I am so sorry you have been going through all this.

If she has stated she is going to commit suicide, then you might just need to call the police to do a welfare check.

This may also help reduce the feelings you have because when the police go do the welfare check it will be on them to make the decision.

I know it is one thing to know what is true regarding our rational thoughts and yet it seems to be another for us on an emotional level.

I am sorry you had to go through the death of you brother it is very sad.

I had a friend who's mother did the very same thing, she did kill herself and left a note blaming my friend, my poor friend has never been the same even though she knew it was not true " the letter ".

The only thing my friend said over and over was that she wished she would have reported her mothers statement. But, and this is a big BUT... . It was not my friends fault just as what your mother may choose to do will not be your fault.

You are responsible to call the police to report a suicide threat so that they can go out and evaluate the situation you may also want to advise them that your brother has committed suicide 9 years ago that is important information for the authorities.

Good luck,

Peaceat54

[patsmaiz]

Hi,

I had a friend years ago who I must have been drawn to because this is all I knew.  But, she harmed herself and later told me it was because of an argument with me.  A few years later, when I said I think we're growing apart to try to break it off, she instantly hung her head down and said she didn't see any reason to live then.  I stayed almost another 10 years because of that.  Not only that, but her constant allusions to self harm made me feel like if I don't save her, it's my fault.   It is extremely stressful to have that hanging over your head.  The only cure for it in my mind is no contact at all.  But, I'm no expert.  It's just what worked for me.

I also have a sibling who has made disturbing comments throughout the years in what I feel is an attempt to set me up for guilt over any actions she might decide to take.  That's why I limited my contact to response only.  No initiation.  At this point though for other reasons, I am definitely going no contact at all.

A few years ago, I decided if either of these people ever made comments to me again, I would call the police.  It never came to that because I simultaneously was pulling away from them.

Also, when I was fed up with both of these people, I said "I don't want to be the only one to know this.  If you can't say it to someone else, don't say it to me"  And, "why don't you tell [fill in the blank] and see what he/she thinks of it."  That seemed to stop them in their tracks.  A huge key factor for their success as abusers is isolating you so that you feel you are carrying a burden by yourself and the balance hangs on you.  They do not want other people in the web at that moment.  Just you and them.

I know it may feel like it would cause alot of big waves for you to call the police next time, but maybe consider it as an option to protect yourself.  You do not deserve to be spoken to in that way.  I can make a pretty solid guess that as soon as the cops showed up, your mom would act like she has no idea why you called them.

I'd consider calling 911 and telling them exactly what she said.  That she would hurt herself because you will not do what she wants.  When the police confront her with the whole picture, it gets it out into the open and maybe into a police report that she is basically threatening you.

There is no way it could be your fault if someone does something like that.  It is actually a clear attack on you.

[PleaseValidate]

It sounds like you very much want and/or need to get away from your mo for your own sanity and mental safety. You need to put mental boundaries in place to protect yourself. Know that if your mo was to attempt to hurt herself,  it would not be your fault no matter what she says. It is the disease.

You might choose to go limited NC for a short amount of time like a month and see how that feels or VLC for a month. It is your decision whether to tell her why or, if you feel this will cause you too much stress and resistance to explain yourself,  just do it without justifying yourself at this time.

Good luck. 

[PleaseValidate]

PS - my BPDmo also threatened suicide though out my entire childhood. I heard it so often it sounded like "wolf" (very different from your situation. ) But when she finally said it to my aunt, the police were called and she was hospitalized. This only made her more angry, but she never threatened suicide again! 

[connielulu]

I have been in that exact same place as you are right now. Many times. I read your words and I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I quit my excellent job, I moved country to come back closer to my mother (after having flown across the world to be as far away as possible from her), I tried to help her. I really did. Because over and over again she was threatening to commit suicide. Her mother (my grand-mother) committed suicide when I was 2 years old. So like you there is a bigger threat of her actually doing it because of close relatives having done it (or at least that what all therapists always told me). I changed my entire life to try and take care of her. Because I was going mad with her threats (I am going to die because of you, you will have to live with it for the rest of your life and good luck with that... .how can you do that to your mother... after all I have done for you... .). I went through fear, anger, despair, panic, sadness, drinking, drugs pretty much any dark feeling and any method not to feel. Sadly none of it changed the situation. I am an only child and she has no family (or no sane family) and no friends left as they all got pretty tired at some point... Although she is making new friends now ! There is no good solution. But one thing I have learned is that she took me down into crazy land with her. And that's a place where I wish I had not gone. There is nothing that we can do that will give us the assurance that they will not commit suicide. Not hiding guns, not calling them every day, nothing. We have to let go of the fear because there is literarily nothing we can do which is the most annoying thing I can tell you right now, I do realize, but understanding that fact and letting go of my anger, fear and panic towards that event has helped me break the cycle. I distanced myself. I did not check in anymore. We will never know what is going to happen. But we can't be guilty because there is nothing we can do anyway. Unless there is an actual emergency and you happen to be present (I have sent her to hospital before) but I would not change my life to try and be present at all times just in case (which is what I thought I had to do before). This not a life.

[claudiaduffy]

  I don't want to have to live my life blaming myself because my mom killed herself.

I'm going to echo what others are saying - call. the. police. the very next time she says anything about suicide. Give them her address and what time and the content of what she said. They will go and check on her and they will be blunt with her. It might stop her from threatening again, or it might not. If she does it again, call the police again.

And, sis, if "the worst" does happen and she does actually kill herself, you do not have to live you life blaming yourself. It would be an easy choice to do so, but you would not HAVE to choose it.

My uBPD MIL landed herself in a psych ward because we called the cops on her when she was sending us suicide-note emails last fall. Her theatrics continued and got worse, until the point when we visited her with a social worker whose job it was to help us help my MIL make a plan to get her life back on track. (A little background - she had just lost her husband of 50+ years right before her son and I were married, and tried to convince everyone that her instability was grief at her widowhood. It was actually mostly grief at "losing" her son to marriage, but whatever.) In front of the social worker, and in front of me, my MIL said to my husband, "Son, you killed your father. You refuse to take responsibility for it, but it is your fault. The doctor said it was stress that caused his heart attack, and you stressed him by planning to leave us and marry someone we knew was wrong for you. You killed him. You killed him. It was you." - at which point the social worker told her that nobody is responsible for another person's death unless they actually physically kill them, that even if the only stress in her husband's life had been his son, his own inability to manage his stress could not be blamed on his son's actions.

I would say the same thing to you. The only way you would be responsible for your mother's death is if you took a weapon in your hand and killed her with it. Refusing to play her games doesn't make you guilty of anything; playing her games, on the other hand, makes you complicit in your own abuse. It's bad enough that your mother abuses you. Please don't help her do it more effectively by submitting to it.

[HappyChappy]

Sorry to hear your situation. But to echo some other's comments. Go NC and if you BPD ever threatens suiside call an ambulance. You don't need to attend. End of. If anything happens, it won't be due to you it is due to the Borderline issues. If your BPD dies of a genetic imperfection such as a hole in the hart, it wouldn't be your fault. Well BPD is a genetic imperfection.

It does sound like you're still emeshed, you still have F.O.G.  issues. Get rid of the F.O.G. you'll find the above easier to do. Consider a Therapist or a good self help guide. Best of Luck

[funfunctional]

Hi,

Sorry for all your pain.

I said this to someone else here.    You have three kids.   You have your own family.    Your family growing up is broken.    Are you going to think about your own future and your kids or mom?   Do you want her close to your children?   How about when she starts making one of your kids feel like a loser and another kid superior?  How about when she says nasty things about you to your kids to make them question you as their mom?   Poison!

She is creating that suicide drama to keep you pulled in.   It really is quite awful.  Seems to be connecting your pain with the loss of your brother and USING THAT to make you fearful.    Clearly mentally ill.

You do realize if she is threatening suicide you can call authorities and say she is a danger to herself.    Have her thrown in for evaluation.    Another choice is to tell her you don't want to talk to her until she gets help.   If you shut her down she will probably end up calling 911 or something cause she won't have you to do drama with.

I think my theme here has been a bit of a tough stance but I am tired of these sorts of people affecting me, my kids and my life.  I simply have had enough of the enablers in life.   Not saying you are enabler.  However, you are a victim of her not getting help.      Sick people need help.   They need tough love.