The Small Victories

[maternal]

Due to common acquaintances, I occasionally see a few of my ex's Instagram posts re-tweeted onto my Twitter feed.  I got curious today, and actually clicked on one of them... .

A little back story on that particular instagram account:  It was a shared account from the beginning.  A place where he and I could post our work and to potentially use as a sort of portfolio for a semi-planned business-type venture.  (ie, we weren't exactly sure WHAT the business would be, but we need some kind of action, so we took our creations to instagram and gained quite a following as a pair and hoped to use it as a springboard for when we had a solid plan).  When I left, he took it over as though I never existed.  While saying that "it hurts too much to see your pictures here" and "I can't take credit for work you've done," he was, at the same time, taking plenty credit for work I'd done.  I called him on it, but he ignored it.  He has since deleted all of the photos of my work, thank goodness, and any mention of "us" in comments, etc.  Many of the followers of that account know that I was part of it, even if they don't know or follow my personal account.  So, anything he spews on there, can, if someone is adept enough, lead back to me.  Luckily, I have not been asked any questions about it thus far.

So, while he doesn't post my name or anything publically, he does share a fair bit of personal info from the account now. The gist of what he posted today goes as such:  He hates me and the ship I sailed in on.  I am self-serving and took advantage of his vulnerability and... .whatever else kinda imaginative spew that was.  He is obviously trolling for sympathy and it's really not a good look.  I'll admit, at first I was taken aback and in denial that he could say such things, but then I put myself in check and remembered that it's the disorder talking.  He doesn't hate me at all, he hates himself.  He is, still, the perpetual victim, despite telling everyone that he's going to "work on himself" and figure out all of his issues.  He has, obviously, done no work of any kind on himself (surprised?) and he never will.  He will always be the victim.  Always.  And I feel pity for him.  I don't love him, I love an idea of him that I caught glimpses of, but a glimpse does not a healthy relationship make.

So, after just two months out, I have come to a place where his words no longer cause me stress or sadness and I see the Waif in him so clearly.  It is a bit of a victory, one that I think is notable.  It is proof that it does get better, it does get easier... .but it's up to you.  Stop focusing on him/her and the disorder and just focus on you.  It works.  

[enlighten me]

Hi Maternal and congratulations on your progress.

Its the small victories that help us to heal.

I had one with my exgf yesterday myself. I looked at some pictures of her and noticed the flaws. I realised they weren't cute and endearing. She wasn't the stunner that I thought she was. Having this veil lifted is a small victory for me as its another level of her myth removed.

[maternal]

Well, as much as I'd like to keep my medal from this small victory, I cannot.  On thursday, I was okay, I felt good, I felt strong... .but all I felt like doing yesterday was sleep.

And today, today, I just woke up in tears and have been crying ever since.  These are the words he shared online for many to see:

I gave you a gift of rosewood and you tied knots over my heart with your harp strings/ puppeteer of lust/ dangling clouds in front of the birdcage where you’ve placed my trust/ don’t expect a song to chirp out of these bruised ribs/ when you took ownership of sunshine and ate all the skittles in the sky/ walked all over my earth wearing your finest silk gowns and evening dresses/ and no make up on that wide and crooked evil smile/ I hate you/ for feeding yourself off of my vulnerability and using my credibility as a napkin where you neatly placed the broken bones/ you’re a self serving parasite injecting poison of denial/ virus switching circuits in the brain raising flags over minds/ but I’m no Iwo Jima pretty lady/ imprison me and took years worth of my time/ I’m just the volcanic sand residue settled in the fog of war/ allowing the winds of change to cover up your tattooed footprints you left as a constant reminder of betrayal/ ___ you and the ship you rode in on.

Now, rationally, I know that this is the disorder speaking.  Rationally, I know that this is just him being the victim.  Rationally, I know that this is not truly about me and is, in fact, a reflection of how he feels about himself.  Emotionally, though, this is rough.  This hits way below the belt.  This paints a very untrue and scary picture of me.  These words frighten me and hurt me all the same.  I knew he had this in him, but I never thought he'd stoop... .why? I'm not sure.  I just never thought it would come to this. Looking back, after I'd left, we were on okay terms until I blocked him on social media.  I know he doesn't truly hate me, I know that what he says here is false and comes from a very dark, empty place inside him, but I am still rather affected by this.  I'm in that place of "it's not fair."  I know I shouldn't care, I know I shouldn't pay him or this bullsh!t any mind, but that's far easier said than done.  I would like for him to disappear.  While I am still grateful to him for having showed me where I need to grow within myself and pushing me on this path of self-improvement and strength, I am not pleased by this at all. 

I hate this god damned disorder so much.

[heartandwhole]

maternal,

I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt, I know if I read those words about me, I would be very hurt, too. Your feelings are perfectly understandable, no matter how much time has passed since your separation.  Understanding BPD doesn't make our hearts bullet-proof.   

I hope you are being gentle with yourself, and just letting yourself grieve. That feeling that it isn't fair – I think it's important to let yourself feel the injustice of it, the frustration.  I know for me I tried so hard to understand where he was coming from, that I forgot to pay attention to the fact that I mattered, too.

Grieving comes in spurts, even when we think we've turned a corner.  That is part of the process and very normal.   We're here for you.   

[patientandclear]

I've read enough "wow, that didn't hurt so much!" posts by now to know that there is nearly always a trailing let-down. This recovery proceeds in very long sine waves it seems, unless people suppress the feelings and confusion in dismissive anger, go out and immediately plunge into a new r/s, etc.

Having all your efforts portrayed as something that hurt him is just really hard to take, and would be for anyone.

For what it's worth, this view of you probably will not persist. At some point someone else will be the persecutor and other roles will be available to assign to you. For now, his story requires you to be in this role. Bear in mind the role was shaped on much earlier oppressive experiences he really had--it's not something he first experienced with you and his fear comes from a real place (just not with respect to you).

If I have a good day I try to remember what practices on my part allowed it, so I can remember to repeat them. For example I am about to go strip wallpaper from my kid's room because when I do that I know I feel committed to my future and not lost in the murk of why he feels what he feels and whether I contributed to that in a way I could have avoided.

Hugs.