The Power of Self Forgiveness

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've always been a big procrastinator.  Exams, bills, reports, work products... . I still have the recurrent nightmare that it's finals week. and I have not gone to class and don't know where the exam is... .  I say this because there's a study that shows that if you find students who are procrastinators on the first exam, they will say that they will change for the next exam, but in reality the anxiety gets worse and the procrastination actually gets worse on the second exam.  

But if you take the students who procrastinated on the first exam, and you ask them to consciously forgive themselves for the procrastinating on the first exam, and then with that self forgiveness, they are able to move forward and procrastinate much less for the second exam.  

The power of self forgiveness.   So many of us have perfectionist or punitive parent schemas.  We are so hard on ourselves.  Being harder on ourselves after an interaction with a pwBPD only makes us more anxious, resentful, angry and fearful.   Resentful of the past, Angry at the present, and Fearful of the Future.  

But with forgiveness of ourselves, we find Acceptance of the Past, Love in the Present, and Faith in the Future.

Forgive ourselves.  We aren't perfect.  We have issues, but we have no intent for destruction.  And we are human/

And for the fact, our partners with BPD also did not intend to hurt us.  We fell in "love" because of the childlike innocence of our exes. The need to be needed.  Their desire to be good, which is so deep that they mirrored our good.   The intent for love, safety, and fulfillment of a fantasy.All the intent was good. And in the end, even if the acts by my exgfwBPD we destructive, her intent was justified in her mind, but the Disorder creates distortion and destruction.  

Simply, all that happened is that I fell captive to the enmeshment of the FOG of the Disorder.  The Disorder is powerful.  The Disorder has taken down many people more powerful than me.  I didn't mean for it to become so destructive.   In the end I was too fearful and lost to do anything other try and hold on.  

But in my humility or recognizing my humanity, and realizing that I am not perfect, and that the intent from me or my ex was not evil,... if I can find deep compassion and forgiveness of myself, then I once again join my community of the Fellowship of Man.

Forgive ourselves first!  It makes not procrastinating on the 2nd exam easier.  I wish I had learned this forty years ago.  

In support,

T

[Tausk]

I've always been a big procrastinator.  Exams, bills, reports, work products... . I still have the recurrent nightmare that it's finals week. and I have not gone to class and don't know where the exam is... .  I say this because there's a study that shows that if you find students who are procrastinators on the first exam, they will say that they will change for the next exam, but in reality the anxiety gets worse and the procrastination actually gets worse on the second exam.  

But if you take the students who procrastinated on the first exam, and you ask them to consciously forgive themselves for the procrastinating on the first exam, and then with that self forgiveness, they are able to move forward and procrastinate much less for the second exam.  

The power of self forgiveness.   So many of us have perfectionist or punitive parent schemas.  We are so hard on ourselves.  Being harder on ourselves after an interaction with a pwBPD only makes us more anxious, resentful, angry and fearful.   Resentful of the past, Angry at the present, and Fearful of the Future.  

But with forgiveness of ourselves, we find Acceptance of the Past, Love in the Present, and Faith in the Future.

Forgive ourselves.  We aren't perfect.  We have issues, but we have no intent for destruction.  And we are human/

And for the fact, our partners with BPD also did not intend to hurt us.  We fell in "love" because of the childlike innocence of our exes. The need to be needed.  Their desire to be good, which is so deep that they mirrored our good.   The intent for love, safety, and fulfillment of a fantasy.All the intent was good. And in the end, even if the acts by my exgfwBPD we destructive, her intent was justified in her mind, but the Disorder creates distortion and destruction.  

Simply, all that happened is that I fell captive to the enmeshment of the FOG of the Disorder.  The Disorder is powerful.  The Disorder has taken down many people more powerful than me.  I didn't mean for it to become so destructive.   In the end I was too fearful and lost to do anything other try and hold on.  

But in my humility or recognizing my humanity, and realizing that I am not perfect, and that the intent from me or my ex was not evil,... if I can find deep compassion and forgiveness of myself, then I once again join my community of the Fellowship of Man.

Forgive ourselves first!  It makes not procrastinating on the 2nd exam easier.  I wish I had learned this forty years ago.  

In support,

T

[corraline]

Thank you for sharing Tausk

I agree forgiving ourselves is so important. I punish myself relentlessly and your words are a good reminder.

It's great that you learning this now ! I believe its about opening our hearts to ourselves, allowing us to let go of the past and making a new start.

 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Tausk, I think forgiving yourself leads to self-acceptance, which is what it's all about in the aftermath of a r/s with a pwBPD, in my view.  LuckyJim

[seeking balance]

The power of self forgiveness.   So many of us have perfectionist or punitive parent schemas.  We are so hard on ourselves.  Being harder on ourselves after an interaction with a pwBPD only makes us more anxious, resentful, angry and fearful.   Resentful of the past, Angry at the present, and Fearful of the Future.  

But with forgiveness of ourselves, we find Acceptance of the Past, Love in the Present, and Faith in the Future.

Forgive ourselves.  We aren't perfect.  We have issues, but we have no intent for destruction.  And we are human/

For me, being perfect meant I was worthy of love... . I know where it stems from and I know when those buttons are pushed now.  I also now have the tools to "not" go down that path of shame.

We do our best - some days our best might look different than other days - radical acceptance

Forgiveness - of ourselves, so powerful and so necessary for us to move forward into happiness and peace.

Good stuff Tausk

[myself]

Forgiveness of ourselves when our good intentions don't pay off, as well.

[Tolou]

Thanks T... .

I think the power of forgiveness in general is important.  I don't believe either that me or my ex wanted things to turn sour the way they did between us.  It became a matter of self-preservation and survival maybe for the both of us that led to things ultimately destructing the way they did.  I placed so much blame on her, then myself, for couldves shouldves, wouldve... . But when I decided to let all that go and realize it just didn't work, I know I had no bad intentions for either of us, it's time to forgive her and myself, it does really help in terms of moving towards a healthier future... .

great post!

[Cimbaruns]

Good post Tausk... .

I am in the infantile stages of forgiving myself... . it's a process.!

I keep saying that someday I will be able to forgive her as well... . however some of what you said is keeping me from believing that I truly will be able to forgive her...

I just don't believe that they didn't mean to cause us pain... .

My uexBPDw of 5 yrs (3married)... . highly functional (although she suffered from self esteem issues at times and talked of suicide during one of our breakups)... . cheated ... . lied and manipulated during most of our r/s... . AND... . continues to do so... .

We have been NC  for 5 months and have only communicated through my lawyer as we await a divorce.

She had an entrenched replacement before to left me for the last time... . lied and cheated before she left and now has me in a holding pattern with signing the divorce settlement... . manipulation ?

When I finally forgive myself... . will I truly be able to forgive her?

Anyone able to be in that place?

Anyone here gotten to that point?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Cimbaruns, It sounds like you are still carrying a lot of anger about your BPDex, which is normal, but what is stopping you from forgiving yourself?  Beneath anger one often finds hurt and suffering, so maybe that is something to investigate.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Tausk]

Good post Tausk... .

I am in the infantile stages of forgiving myself... . it's a process.!

I keep saying that someday I will be able to forgive her as well... . however some of what you said is keeping me from believing that I truly will be able to forgive her...

I just don't believe that they didn't mean to cause us pain... .

My uexBPDw of 5 yrs (3married)... . highly functional (although she suffered from self esteem issues at times and talked of suicide during one of our breakups)... . cheated ... . lied and manipulated during most of our r/s... . AND... . continues to do so... .

We have been NC  for 5 months and have only communicated through my lawyer as we await a divorce.

She had an entrenched replacement before to left me for the last time... . lied and cheated before she left and now has me in a holding pattern with signing the divorce settlement... . manipulation ?

When I finally forgive myself... . will I truly be able to forgive her?

Anyone able to be in that place?

Anyone here gotten to that point?

Yes, it's a process.  And I believe that forgiving others too early is not the right thing to do either because it does not validate our own pain.  I was hurt and abused.  I might have been a volunteer, but that doesn't make the actions correct.  And until I have validated that pain that was inflicted on me, I won't heal from that pain either.

The question in some ways is how do we forgive someone who does not ask for forgiveness and doesn't even believe that that have engaged in a transgression?

And for it's a been a process.

But the first part is to have compassion for myself, and then forgive myself.  Forgive myself because there were times when I acted out of fear and insecurity and control and am not proud of my transgressions.  I have to take responsibility and ask for forgiveness (hypothetically with my ex) and in actuality with myself. 

And I also to realize that I don't have to forgive myself for those actions that I did out of good intent but were perhaps not the best course of action.

But for me and forgiving my ex it becomes much more difficult.  Especially because the punitive parent and angry child schemas of my ex were abusive, and destructive.  So that takes a lot of time.  And over all it's been a long process to realize that 1.) my ex may have known what she was doing but really didn't have the executive control to take responsibility for her actions.  She cheated on me, but really didn't have the choice not to.  2.) Holding resentment for those actions of hers just eats away at myself.  

So I work at forgiving both of us, for no other reason than it allows me to let go and move on.  She's Disordered.  She has no hope for happiness or even adult development.   She's not worth my resentment.

So I forgive her.  It's actually harder to forgive myself.  So I have to do that as well because what's the point of holding on to a resentment against myself.  No growth, only shame comes from that.  

I take responsibility for what was mine, which was half the blame, and forgive myself for my transgressions.  

Her part is too Disordered.  It's like not forgiving a three year old child who told you he hated you while having a tantrum.

No worth holding a grudge.

[Cimbaruns]

Tausk

You pose some good food for thought... .

You are so right here... . I have yet to validate the pain that she caused ... . intended or a process of her dysfunction if you will... . she still acted in a way that was deceitful and unloving... .

How do I forgive her when she doesn't even understand that what she did was hurtful... . ?

How do I "let go" of the resentment I feel for her right now... . ?

My mind is wrapped around the fact that she still is an adult... . so to really see her for the 3 year old is at times... . very very difficult for me. Hence the reluctance to say to "myself"... It's okay ... . It's the disorder... .

At times I wonder if this is just me... . sticking my feet in the sand and saying... . "I won't do it"

A process indeed... .   I'm just touching the surface of the layers of my onion!

Thanks for helping me "peel"

[Tausk]

You are so right here... . I have yet to validate the pain that she caused ... . intended or a process of her dysfunction if you will... . she still acted in a way that was deceitful and unloving... .

This is part of the reason why the board is so important to all of us/me.  It validates my experiences, pain, confusion, betrayal and hurt, with the only people who can really understand, which are other ex partners who are trying to understand what the hell just happened  

And that is why it's so important for me to write my experiences, if for not other reason to be heard and validated, and to assure others that their experiences are not singular.  I may be unique, but not outside of a trend, and that permits us to realize that we are not alone, we aren't crazy, there are reasons why we became lost in the FOG, and that there are proven methods for recovery... . including self forgiveness.

How do I forgive her when she doesn't even understand that what she did was hurtful... . ?

How do I "let go" of the resentment I feel for her right now... . ?

My mind is wrapped around the fact that she still is an adult... . so to really see her for the 3 year old is at times... . very very difficult for me. Hence the reluctance to say to "myself"... It's okay ... . It's the disorder... .

I remember to tell myself that the things that happened are not "okay."  They were destructive, abusive, and wrong.  And those actions should not be tolerated in my life.    But as I also learn more about the Disorder,  I realize that my ex's actions were not personally directed at me.  I was just the next guy in line at the dance.  It wasn't personal to me.  It was the Disorder in its destruction.  And the Disorder always wins.  Just read the board.  Who on this side of the board has ever defeated the Disorder.  

But again, it's not approval of the behavior all.  Just detachment.  I don't take it personally when a mentally ill homeless man yells at me on the street.  It's not much different, except in my case I yell back at my ex and expect the Disordered homeless man to take responsibility.  

At times I wonder if this is just me... . sticking my feet in the sand and saying... . "I won't do it"

A process indeed... .  I'm just touching the surface of the layers of my onion!

Thanks for helping me "peel"

It takes time.  I'm finding that I need to forgive myself first.  And that opens the door for forgiving my ex.  And again, just because it's the best thing for me to do for myself, and to help me to detach.

But I also don't want to forgive before I'm ready.  Not until my pain, hurt and betrayal has been validated.   But also not waiting too long, because hatred and resentment directed toward a Disordered child really keeps me in suffering for too long and also can fester my soul.  

It's a process, and as far as the risk of feedback for you C:   Just the fact that you can self reflect and question your intent for not wanting to forgive your ex at this moment gives clear evidence for your capacity to take responsibility, to be self aware, to grow, to ask for forgiveness, and to give forgiveness.  

That type of self questioning are moments of grace, which deserve to be recognized.  

So have faith that when you are ready all that you wish will occur.  Enjoy the process of recovery.  It can be a great gift.   It's also what makes us sentient.  Sadly, it's something that our exes will never experience.

In support

T

P.S.  One of the issues with realizing my ex is Disordered, is that I have to forgive myself for becoming attached to a Disordered person who has very limited capacity for love, empathy, self awareness and is basically destructive to everyone who cares for her.  How could I possibly have given my heart and soul to someone so Disordered.

Forgive myself, because it was part of my FOO issues, and I didn't understand any better.  

[myself]

How could I possibly have given my heart and soul to someone so Disordered.

Many of us have enough love/good intentions to share, it's who we are. It's not always an "issue"/problem from childhood. Some people actually have their sh!t together, and still get caught up in someone else's patterns. Or is that just a myth? Whether you're the next person being danced with or the next town the hurricane gets to, you can do your best to deal with it but there are variables involved. Add a PD to the mix... .

It seems a lot of self-forgiveness is learning to be OK with how and why we've been rejected. Being able to look in the mirror and accept ourselves flaws and all. Inner validation. Trusting ourselves is very important. It's all more easily done when not in conflict or FOG. No matter what the relationship is.

[charred]

Good post Tausk... . 

I am in the infantile stages of forgiving myself... . it's a process.!

I keep saying that someday I will be able to forgive her as well... . however some of what you said is keeping me from believing that I truly will be able to forgive her...

I just don't believe that they didn't mean to cause us pain... . 

My uexBPDw of 5 yrs (3married)... . highly functional (although she suffered from self esteem issues at times and talked of suicide during one of our breakups)... . cheated ... . lied and manipulated during most of our r/s... . AND... . continues to do so... . 

We have been NC  for 5 months and have only communicated through my lawyer as we await a divorce.

She had an entrenched replacement before to left me for the last time... . lied and cheated before she left and now has me in a holding pattern with signing the divorce settlement... . manipulation ?

When I finally forgive myself... . will I truly be able to forgive her?

Anyone able to be in that place?

Anyone here gotten to that point?

I found it fairly easy to forgive my exBPDgf... and she devastated my life two different sets of times (in my 20's and late 40's)... when I decided I needed to forgive her to be able to fully accept the r/s was over... I did. Forgiving her was a relief... relaxed a bit. Had already accepted that I had a lot of the responsibility for the bad things in the r/s... it was not just her.

What I have been trying to figure out how to do is forgive myself. That hasn't happened yet.