It must be exhausting being a BPD

[clljhns]

Hi all!

I had a light bulb moment after reading through several of the post!

It must take a LOT of energy to be a BPD!

It just occurred to me how incredibly exhausting it must be thinking that others are out to get you; that no one understands your pain; that no one else has an illness like yours; that no one else experienced as bad a childhood as them; that no one really loves them; that they deserve all the riches the world has to offer because they have been victimized/are due it/worked so hard to achieve it, even at someone else's expense; that people are really no good, unless they are doing something for them; that they should be given preferential treatment, at ALL times; that their opinion is the only real truth, and everyone should agree with them; and that above else, they own everything and everyone that comes inside their sphere (as long as these people realize that they are the subjects to the queen/king.)

I am sure that I missed many other thoughts/traits that absorb their daily lives, but to just think about the list above is exhausting enough for me. When I think of how exhausted I was when I was communicating with my parents and siblings, I have to realize how utterly exhausting just being who they are is!

Can you imagine waking everyday looking for a slight to your person? Spying on your neighbors so you can gossip to your husband about how trashy they are, and "We are so much better than them!" Feeling uncontrollable emotions that frighten and threaten to explode at any minute, and so you MUST find a target. Or that you refuse to deal with your own issues, that you find fault in EVERYONE you meet?

Damn! I couldn't imagine living my life like this!

Just wanted to share my thoughts, as it made me feel better. Not that I am glad that they are in turmoil, but to finally realize that they are worse off emotionally than I had thought before. I really thought that they had to be happy with themselves, or they wouldn't continue to act this way. I really thought that they were happy with their lives. How could anyone be considered happy when they wake each day with a horde of deadly weapons at their disposal?

Anyone else feel this way?

[AnnieSurvivor]

Yes indeed!  I just wanted to affirm that I think you are exactly right.  I think that is why my uBPD mother also has to sleep so much - it is tiring!

I know when I was younger (teens/early 20s) and tried to "match" the verbal/emotional abuse I was getting, I found it exhausting because it just wasn't the way I was wired, but I felt the need to stand up for myself and didn't know how to do it any other "healthy" way at the time.  What a gift that I was able to stop acting that way, it is something they simply cannot do.  Once you realize that it does help a little to feel some compassion for them (but not excuse behaviors of course). 

[mywifecrazy]

Very good post.  When I FINALLY got out of the FOG and found out just how compulsive a liar my uBPDxw was I wondered what it must be like for her.  I mean her head must have been spinning all the time to calculate constantly what lies she's told and to who. I mean that must have taken A LOT of work to make sure she didn't get caught in her lies and to keep,people apart that might talk to each other and find out what she was up to. I have to give her credit, she was on HELL of a liar.

It really is sad when you think about what they must go through. 

[Sitara]

It makes me feel sad for them. Even before we heard about BPD, my husband and I would talk about how miserable and exhausting a life my uBPD mom must live. She spends all her energy looking for imagined slights, focusing on the negative, and worrying about whatever random unrealistic worst-case-scenario could happen in every single situation. Some people talk about the pwBPD in their life having good days where they're happy, but I don't remember my mom having more than just one day. Just so much energy spent being negative. It's just so depressing.

[hopeful356]

 :'( I agree, my head spins at the thought of their everyday life. I am new to this experience of life with a BPD, so i hesitate to put much weight in my feelings, observations etc. All of my life I have been the first one to try and put myself in another's shoes. Usually with little effort could feel real empathy for situations of other's. I do feel heartbroken for the chaos my brother must endure on a daily basis, but to try to fathom a day in his head is very confusing and draining. Can't do it, it's to chaotic to wrap my mind completely around. I find some days it feels as though i will never have a real relationship with him and other days i feel as though i want to die trying. I don't know, but once again, thankful to you all for sharing and caring!

[clljhns]

Hi hopeful356,

I can relate to being able to empathize with others, and not comprehending those who can't. I am sorry for your struggles with your brother. I have three siblings that I have NC with because of the reasons you state. I want to have a loving relationship with them, but they are far too wrapped up in themselves. I remember telling my oldest sister that anyone wrapped up in themselves makes for a very small package. She had just reeked havoc at my nephew's arrival from Irag. He was killed there, and we had accompanied our sister to receive his body. It was a freak show with my oldest sister there. She made a scene by hiding in a janitors closet at the hotel and wailing. She then monopolized the ministers time, who was there to support the immediate family of my sister. She even asked my sister to make her waffles for breakfast one morning! It was absolutely unbelievable the way she acted. My sister and her children were mourning the loss of their child/brother, and my oldest sister made this unfortunate reunion all about her. I just can't abide this kind of behavior anymore, and find that I have much more peace without any of them in my life.

I wish you much peace and healing!

[Katy-Did]

From a NON's perspective, who are thought to be highly empathetic,  exhibiting BPD traits would be certainly be exhausting... . taxing... . frustrating... .   Is it the same for the BPD?  I wonder. 

[clljhns]

Katy-Did,

I think it is exhausting for the BPD. My mother and two sisters require a LOT of sleep. My sister who is two years older than me, now says that she is dying. She has been dying for more than 10 years. She manufactures all kinds of illnesses, for which she states no doctor can find the problem or cure. She attributes this to her need for a lot of sleep. My oldest sister retired early from her job because of exhaustion and multiple surgeries. She has found doctors that will perform all kinds of unnecessary surgeries because she had excellent insurance. When I was in contact with them, I would call them during the day and they would be sleeping. They didn't suffer from insomnia, and stay up all night. So, I can only guess that there mental illness is destroying them slowly. My mother also slept a lot. I haven't had contact with her in years, but I would guess that as she gets older (she is now 75) that she will require more rest. I can only attribute their constant need of chaos in their lives to cause them to need rest. I think their panic button is stuck in the on position.

I just can't imagine living this way!

[Tracy500]

I totally agree.  My BF's ex w/BPD must work very hard to keep the level of anger she has toward him.  She has to keep herself angry in order to justify continuing to treat him like crap.  How exhausting and what a waste of energy.  She nothing seems to satisfy her but her anger. 

[Katy-Did]

My H is a blend of BPD/nBPD.  He can... . and often does... . modify his behavior in order to get what he wants but the root of his disorder remains almost primal.  It's like watching a teapot full of water under a varying flame. He expends an enormous amount of energy maintaining self-control, honoring the boundaries of others, finding merit in someone else's point of view... . basically, denying his impulses.  Eventually, every now and again, the water boils---pressure builds---and steam is released.  The release seems almost pleasurable even though what's boiling over and making the teapot whistle uncontrollably is unpleasant to everyone else. Does he "feel" remorse?  Who knows.  He acknowledges his behavior causes discomfort in others but I question whether or not he experiences empathy.   This is why I question whether a person w/a BPD disorder experiences  release/comfort/security in the same way a "Normal" person (whatever normal is) does. 

Your post is very thought provoking... .  

[livednlearned]

My H is a blend of BPD/nBPD.  He can... . and often does... . modify his behavior in order to get what he wants but the root of his disorder remains almost primal.  It's like watching a teapot full of water under a varying flame. He expends an enormous amount of energy maintaining self-control, honoring the boundaries of others, finding merit in someone else's point of view... . basically, denying his impulses.  Eventually, every now and again, the water boils---pressure builds---and steam is released.  The release seems almost pleasurable even though what's boiling over and making the teapot whistle uncontrollably is unpleasant to everyone else. Does he "feel" remorse?  Who knows.  He acknowledges his behavior causes discomfort in others but I question whether or not he experiences empathy.   This is why I question whether a person w/a BPD disorder experiences  release/comfort/security in the same way a "Normal" person (whatever normal is) does.  

Your post is very thought provoking... .  

This describes my uBPD brother exactly. He once acknowledged that he "messed" with me a lot and it probably was hard for me, but he said it more like he was recognizing cause and effect. Like he was making an observation that wet paint eventually dries.

I do think it's exhausting for pwBPD to always be generating negative chaos, or trying to control people. Just dealing with the consequences seems tiring. Interpreting slights as massive attacks, and then boiling into a rage, then punishing people with silent treatment, losing jobs, having to make impulsive decisions because someone made them mad. But without empathy or an ability to feel accountable, people like my brother don't see how they could change the outcome.

[Peaceful Life]

I agree with you clljhns. When I look at my uDIL and look at how she lives in a constant state of war, my heart goes out to her. This is what I have taught my children whom she has hurt. I wonder if there is any supplement or even prescription drug which would offer them some relief?

[Louise7777]

Im with Katy Did in this.

clljhns, I once thought the way you did. Not anymore. I have uBPD/ NPD relatives. Thinking from a Non´s perspective, it seems tiring and exhausting being a BPD. But what I firmly believe now is it pays off for them.

I mean, sure manipulating and controling takes effort, but what about the rewards they get? If it didnt pay off, they simply wouldnt do it.

Nowadays I believe they prefer they own ego to people. For example, as long as they have their way, they dont mind sacrificing relationships and friendships. They prefer to intimidate, control and rage. What I saw is them taking great lenghts to revenge.

So, as an outsider and a people-pleaser I often wondered why cant they let anything go, why dont they want to live in peace with family? What I see now is "being the boss" is more important. Lets face it, you cant be a dictator and have lots of friends. They are always overvigilant, they know they cant trust people (as they cant be trusted themselves- projection), because they prefer to rule then to be loved.

I understand you side, though. But I also think they have great fun while being the "puppet master". I have never seen any remorse or empathy coming from my uPDs, but I saw great joy when they bring people on their knees. Maybe I was dealing with extreme cases, but I cant help thinking they just love every minute of it.

[clljhns]

Hi Louise7777,

I agree that they are certainly benefitting from their behavior. I remember how my mom would puff up like a bull dog when she would go into one of her rages. Her eyes bulged, face turned red, and the veins on her neck would stand out. Terrifying! but as soon as the raging was over she seemed to deflate and then twenty minutes later ask if anyone would a home made brownie.   I could see the relief in her after these episodes. I also remember how cruel she could be with her words and how a big smile would cross her lips when she could goad my oldest sister into chiming in on the insults. Brutal! But, then, I would see the Hermit retreat to her room and cry. She would return later, and sometimes sulk for days or maybe come out skipping and ask if anyone was ready for dinner. There just always seemed to be a relief valve of sorts for her. I learned that if she ever started a question with "I was wondering... . ", look out! She would use that phrase as an intro to the third degree, which always resulted in being called a liar and conspiring against her. Once she spewed out her profanities and insults, she would huff into the kitchen and get a swig of coffee or soda. Almost like an alcoholic getting reinforcements for rebuttal. No worry here, I wasn't going to challenge that pit bull as a child.

Thinking back on all of her mood swings, manipulations, pity-parties, rages, and abuse, I know how much energy she had to expend to keep this up. Thinking on my two sisters who also exhibit a lot of these characteristics, I have watched first hand their own inflation and then deflation after they rage. They appear to be relieved. My sister J, threatened me with a knife when she was 18 and I was 16. She shot a hole in a window with a shot gun because she missed her ex-husband when aiming. Thank God she missed him! She has thrown things at her husbands, cursed them, driven over 100 miles an hour and constantly goes to the emergency room because she is "dying." She stayed with me three years ago for three months. I though it was for a week. She absolutely wore me out. I went to work each day and would come home to her wanting to go and do something. I was exhausted after working all day, but she would always act dejected if I didn't. She even woke me up in the middle of the night to go the emergency room for one of her life threatening illnesses. Of course I took her, and they naturally didn't find anything. According to her they were incompetent. Needless to say, I didn't go to work the next day. My water bill doubled and I couldn't understand why. I questioned her and found that she was flushing the toilet many times throughout the day for her dog. Yes, she brought her dog. Her big dog. A Saint Bernard. Who she insisted must stay in the house! She also was washing her bed linens every other day. I couldn't believe what a drain she was on me!

Even though they are benefitting in some twisted and psychotic way, they really aren't achieving anything positive for their lives, or the lives of those who are involved with them. To me, they are like a speeding train without any brakes smashing anyone in their path.

My life now looks nothing like their constant chaotic existence. That is why I say it must be exhausting being a BPD.

I will admit thought that at times I want to yell at them all, "What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you see what you are doing?" But I know it will fall on deaf ears.

Peace and blessings!

[Louise7777]

Hey again, clljhns.

Im sorry you went through all that with your mom and siblings. It must had been terrifying, specially for a young child.

I agree with most (if not all) you say here. And surely they get relief after they rage. I have an uHPD friend and she describes her daily fights on facebook, feeling proud for herself and even saying that makes her feel better and relieved... . Its pretty scary even to read about it. No need to say Im NC.

When in contact with my uBPDs, after their rages Id be "out of center" for 2 or 3 days. Took me lots of effort to calm down, after being exposed to such anger and disrespect. With them, after the event, they are relieved right away and talk to others as if nothing had happened... .

The speeding train analogy looks perfect to me. I used to describe my sadistic uBPD/ NPE relative as a force of nature. It was like a tornado. You could see it getting shape and then creating havoc and destroying everything on her way. They have the "ability" to destroy families and relationships, since they push people to take sides otherwise they are the enemy. Most people go along and do as told. I guess I was the balck sheep cause I had a big sense of justice even as a child and couldnt take it.

This relative is in her 80´s and still is a force of nature. The difference is Im not there to witness anymore.

"My life now looks nothing like their constant chaotic existence. That is why I say it must be exhausting being a BPD."

I surely agree with this. From our perspective it looks just meaningless. Whats the point in all that? But I can say that from my limited experience, at least my uBPDs are not exhausted or even tired. They never looked for treatment. Never ever crossed their minds that although they fight with everybody, they might have at least 1% fault in it... .

Regarding your sister and the time she was at your house, I can only imagine how drained you were. Im familiar with the "you have to entertain me". Its like a 2 yo... . I hope you have boundaries and keep yourself at some same distance.

"I will admit thought that at times I want to yell at them all, "What the hell is wrong with you? Can't you see what you are doing?" But I know it will fall on deaf ears." Sometimes I just look at them and think this exact same thing... .  

[clljhns]

Hi Louise7777,

You are so right that they do not see their destructive force and will not get help. I tried in vain for years to get my mom in therapy. She, of course, didn't have the problem, it was the rest of us! My dad even told me that if I thought he would force my mom into therapy and make her relive her horrible childhood, I was crazy! Score one for the co-conspirator! I calmly told him that I knew he wouldn't want this for her,  because if she got healthy, he wouldn't have her to control. Touché.

I can see how they both feed off of each other's disease. Sad. Just really sad.

And, yes. I have been NC from parents for ten years, and just recently went NC again with siblings. Life is much more peaceful.

[CalledaPerson]

Great observation. I also was thinking it must be exhausting to act that way. My dad and I were talking about my uBPD mother the other day and he said, "Every little thing... .every little thing she would have something to say about." It was like each and every moment involved something negative with her that she would start. It seemed like there was never a moment of peace. In my adulthood, I prefer a lot of quiet periods with no interaction with people whatsoever. I can't imagine how much energy it must take to constantly in every moment be looking for stuff to be angry about or be critical of.

[HappyChappy]

I can see how they both feed off of each other's disease. Sad. Just really sad.

Consider the vampire analogy. They feed off our blood and become stronger, whilst we become weaker. I’ve often read Narcissists will grow in strength when they argue and attack, as this is attention ,this is narcisstic supply.

My N Bro and BPD Mom use to go head to head in scary rages they could go at each other for 8 hours straight . The only time I’ve seen my brother smile is when he’s gets you angry and in a fight. So I do agree it looks so draining, but my two Narks love the tension. All they’ve both known is tension, they seek it out. It’s their safe place. Of course, if this was a forum for BPD, then I would agree with everything that’s been posted so far... .

[CrazyNoMore]

What I see now is "being the boss" is more important. Lets face it, you cant be a dictator and have lots of friends. They are always overvigilant, they know they cant trust people (as they cant be trusted themselves- projection), because they prefer to rule then to be loved.

Oh, this, this, a thousand times, this.  My uBPDm would have rather died than drop an argument.  The concept of "agree to disagree" on a subject was one she simply could not wrap her head around. 

My enDad used to use the term "spoiling for a fight" to describe my mother.  I can't recall ever seeing her truly at peace.  Like another poster said, she was like a teakettle.  The fire was always there, just simmering under the surface, ready to boil over at the slightest provocation.

I'm sure it was exhausting for her, and to make matters worse, she suffered from physical ailments that kept her from sleeping well -- acid reflux, pinched nerves in her neck, and restless legs syndrome.     I've come to believe that, in later years, her continued emotional deterioration was in part due to severe, long-term sleep deprivation.  I truly think it drove her insane, in addition to already having a personality disorder.  By the time I went NC, she had an almost permanent wild-eyed look about her.

When I got word of her death six years ago, my first thought was that maybe now, finally, she'd find some peace.

Still doesn't excuse the behavior, though.

[Valley Quail]

Hi All,


It's so helpful to hear your experiences and to have the feeling that others really understand. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. I know exactly what you mean.


When I start to miss my mom and the "good ol' times", I need to remember the vampire analogy you mentioned HappyChappy... .that they grow in strength when they argue and attack... .that they feed off our blood and become stronger, whilst we become weaker. (It never ceases to amaze me that they can be sadistic and enjoy frustrating or hurting people.)

Thank you everyone for sharing specific circumstances, helping us feel that we aren't alone and that others understand from experience exactly what we're going through.

xoxo

[funfunctional]

Good post

It HAS to be exhausting.  I had made it my mission to coach my sister as she was calling me and looking for advice. I thought "gee, she can change and LOOK... .her life would be so much calmer & happier".   Over two years of trying.

Pattern resurfaced with her - after all the compassion & love & help she turned on me in a FLASH becuz she was going thru one of her "things".    Two trips to ER... .all this drama over health.   

NOTHING WRONG!  BUT, she got everyone ELSE jumping for her.

It really is tragic for these people.    Tough to watch.   

The decision I have made is that I deserve a life and to be happy.    If she comes to me for help I may or may not help - that is my choice.   

It HAS to be exhausting and yes... .both BPDs in my life sleep a lot.  They get colds and sickness a lot too.

[sophiegirl]

I guess it is exhausting, but my mother is 89 and hasn't mellowed yet, she's just not as clever at it anymore. She does sleep a lot but that may be her age. If anything her issues have kept her going.