Please remind me why I shouldn't contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Struggling today.  Got triggered by seeing a picture of her online (she's blocked from my social media, but this was from a work event and was a surprise).  The urge to contact is strong, even though I know I'll end up feeling insignificant and demeaned.  This community is so helpful.  Please help me out if you can. 

[BacknthSaddle]

Struggling today.  Got triggered by seeing a picture of her online (she's blocked from my social media, but this was from a work event and was a surprise).  The urge to contact is strong, even though I know I'll end up feeling insignificant and demeaned.  This community is so helpful.  Please help me out if you can. 

[Blimblam]

because even if you don't get demeaned... .

You will get that 'hit' that you crave and you will come down hard from it.

you are in withdrawl right now.

[Aussie JJ]

Black,

For me, I tried to reconcile, I will tell you what I know stopped it happening.  I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't accept distortion or lies.  She has said that she left and I was volatile.  She said this again on the phone and I corrected her.  She screamed at me and said FINE YOU ABANDONED ME!

Even knowing she has BPD she was unable to accept her actions that forced me to kick her out that night.  She is incredibly smart and I know she is a moral person with good values.  When it comes to a personal relationship she just goes back to those core fears.  

Does yours know?  If not can you control those immature responses that are so destructive.   Its a relational disorder, they relate differently to you and me.  

You may feel good or get a kick briefly out of talking to her before you get cut down again.  

I love my sons mother still, she is the mother of our son however I cant have a healthy relationship with someone like that who cant accept ownership for her own actions nor can she comprehend my pain and the reasons for my actions.  Its all about her, she will get pleasure from tourturing you further when you call.  

I'm sorry, reading your post is resonating with me so much at the moment.  We know what will happen however we still hold out hope.  It is the worst pain I have ever felt.  

[Vindi]

nc is probably the hardest thing to do.

I am sure alot of us have "contacted" b4, when trying to end a relationship, and when you look back, contacting changes nothing, it just opens new doors for the "old baggage".

When you had enough, enough is enough, NC is the way to go, it can be very hard, but i have read here that many can do it, and it seems the only way to go with absolutely "no contact"... .plus it gives you time to air out your thoughts, and think of how you want to live your life.

NC can be scary... .but NC seems to work best for anyone trying to get out of a bad relationship.

good luck!

[corraline]

Hi Backnthesaddle

No contact is a tool to take better care of yourself.

I found that my urge to contact when i was triggered was an indication that i needed to really focus on me and look at what i need to do to be good to me.  I felt that contacting him was pretty much a self harming behavior if i was going to follow thru.  I did enuff of that in the relationship, if i want things to change, i have to change myself.  Contacting him was an effort to try and change something about him and our relationship. Not good. I know you know this but here is my two cents and the help i have to offer.

take good care of you right now my friend.

[LettingGo14]

Struggling today.  Got triggered by seeing a picture of her online (she's blocked from my social media, but this was from a work event and was a surprise).  The urge to contact is strong, even though I know I'll end up feeling insignificant and demeaned.  This community is so helpful.  Please help me out if you can.  

Hey BacknthSaddle --

The "trigger" is something we can investigate.   As you know, I've spent a lot of time with the Buddhists lately, and the lesson I keep hearing is -- "investigate with curiosity, and do not judge yourself, and do not react."

This is my mish-mash of what I've found about my triggers to want contact:

-- It's a "emotional" rather than cognitive thing.  I feel the surge of emotion (adrenaline) in my body.  For me, the somatic (body) experience of it is in my solar plexus, which throbs and gets tight.  

-- I have learned that mindfulness of the body is useful.  I was stuck in my head for a long time, asking "why, why, why" and not achieving a logical answer.  When I learned to scan my body for places that emotions surged and rested, I started to focus on the sensation of the emotion, rather than the story.  Then, it becomes  sitting out a powerful storm, rather than trying to "figure out" the relationship.

--Because it's an emotional, rather than cognitive, experience, I started to wonder what in my unconscious might be keeping me "attached" to this single person.   Stated simply, I could pass 10,000 people on the street without triggering.  But, what is it with her?

--I found a psychology article that asked, "Why do you have reactions that, to your logical mind, are “unreasonable”?  The answer, in part, was as follows:

In the words of Daniel L. Siegel, M.D., your “brain is a relationship organ.” Your greatest fears, as a human being, are connected to not fulfilling these universal drives, which activates core existential fears of rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, loss of self or the unknown, and the like.  Thus, a belief is limiting when it unreasonably activates one or more of your core existential fears, such as rejection, abandonment or inadequacy, and so on.

My favorite lines:

Reactivity is caused by inner perceptions and not outer events.

Logic does not dictate behaviors. Emotions do.  If your ability to make conscious choices is regularly hijacked, a limiting fear is likely in play

I don't know that I have a solution yet -- but I am getting more and more curious about the roots of the trigger (rather than simply trying to manage my memories of my ex-girlfriend).  It definitely scratched an existential core wound in me -- and, knowing that, "she" becomes less and less radioactive, and "I" take more and more ownership for my emotions and thoughts.

PS -- I hope that comes across cogently -- much of this stuff I'm trying to learn as I go!

[camuse]

I contacted many times in the weeks after we broke up. I tried many times to have an adult conversation about what happened to us. Each time I was left even more confused as before, as she turned everything around, twisted it, ignored what she didn't want to address, and I was left with more self doubt feeling worse than before. I would commit to no more contact, then a text or call would lift my spirits, before dropping me back even lower than before. I knew I had to get away for good, but I couldn't let go of those little hits, while I was so low.

I guess it's like quitting a drug - it would be easy if you could keep taking the drug to get you through it! In the end there is no escape, you have to put the cigarettes down, and go through the withdrawal. I was lucky - the last time I saw her I was very kind to her and she was vile in return. She said it was because I had been too nice while she was feeling stressed and miserable, and had made her feel worse!

I felt angry and stupid, and decided I was done with her. I'm glad she did that, she gave me my reason to cut her off. Since then it's been very lonely and I feel very low and miss those moments of joy, and it's so tempting to call her and get another hit, but I am determined to go through the process of NC however hard it is, until she is gone from my mind.

One of the hardest things is realising all those good feelings were fake and based on nothing. But that thought also stops me chasing them now.

[BorisAcusio]

I know she is a moral person with good values.

Borderlines never managed to nurture a mature superego which is responsible for the internalization of value systems, so they are basicly doing whatever fit their needs at the time. Of course, on a superficial level, they can appear to have those qualities but without any real commitment.

Saddle,

I would recommend you to write a list of her toxic deeds and read it when you have an urge to reach out. Reading your forum history could be helpful as well. I guess, you were triggered by the events of last week. Nothing good ever came out from breaking NC, you're just going to fall further down into the rabbit hole.

It's quite likely that there is already somebody else in the picture, beside you and her husband.

[enlighten me]

Having been through two BPD relationships I have some insight.

The first break up was rough but this time around its not so bad.

I liken breaking up with a borderline to quitting smoking.

The urge for one last hit in the begining is strong. Everyday you think about smoking. Apart from the addiction you have the habit. You get up in the morning make your coffee and then you would normally have a cigarette. These moments remind you about smoking and so it is with our boderlines.

The more you think about smoking the stronger the urge. This is why NC is so important and also why distracting yourself is important also.

As the days wear on the urges get less and less. Then eventually you've given up and don't crave them anymore. You look back and think how stupid you were for doing it in the first place.

But beware like smoking you can easily slip back. How many ex smokers do you know who start smoking again when they've had a drink? And so it is with us and boderlines. A moment of weakness and were back at square one again.

This is why you must be strict with the NC.

[kiwimitch]

I fell into the same trap... . I kept returning returning, any excuse, any reason. I felt better at the begining, then I felt more worse after seeing her, and the inevitable sensless arguments that followed. ,,  I knew I must walk through the fire of NC... .It hurts, I am still in there, but I hope and I am sure I will come out the other side... .a bit stronger and a bit wiser,  But hell, it is hurting while I am I here.  

[Aussie JJ]

In regards to morals... .

She has them, when not dysregulated she was a good person.  I can see that as a reflection of me so I hold onto it :D

[antjs]

I know she is a moral person with good values.

Borderlines never managed to nurture a mature superego which is responsible for the internalization of value systems, so they are basicly doing whatever fit their needs at the time. Of course, on a superficial level, they can appear to have those qualities but without any real commitment.

Saddle,

I would recommend you to write a list of her toxic deeds and read it when you have an urge to reach out. Reading your forum history could be helpful as well. I guess, you were triggered by the events of last week. Nothing good ever came out from breaking NC, you're just going to fall further down into the rabbit hole.

It's quite likely that there is already somebody else in the picture, beside you and her husband.

www.psychology.about.com/od/sindex/g/def_superego.htm

www.psychology.about.com/od/iindex/g/def_id.htm

i think BPDs are more consumed by the id.

[BorisAcusio]

I know she is a moral person with good values.

Borderlines never managed to nurture a mature superego which is responsible for the internalization of value systems, so they are basicly doing whatever fit their needs at the time. Of course, on a superficial level, they can appear to have those qualities but without any real commitment.

Saddle,

I would recommend you to write a list of her toxic deeds and read it when you have an urge to reach out. Reading your forum history could be helpful as well. I guess, you were triggered by the events of last week. Nothing good ever came out from breaking NC, you're just going to fall further down into the rabbit hole.

It's quite likely that there is already somebody else in the picture, beside you and her husband.

www.psychology.about.com/od/sindex/g/def_superego.htm

www.psychology.about.com/od/iindex/g/def_id.htm

i think BPDs are more consumed by the id.

You're right about the id. It is related to the ego-weakness, which refers to the deficits in their capacity to negotiate between the demands of external reality on one hand and instinctual urges and the superego dictates in the other. That's why they have poor affect tolerance and impulse controll.

We have the lack of moral compass from one side, and the stramline of primitive urges from the other. No wonder it does not work out.

[Promises]

I feel triggered to contact mine almost every hour of everyday.  like another member said, make a list, read it when you're triggered and remind yourself they CAN'T change and you don't deserve to live that way.  That helps me a little.

[myself]

You're staying away from her because it doesn't work with her.

You're choosing to live the best ways you can from now on.

Contact that's going to derail your progress doesn't make sense.

[BacknthSaddle]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

I'm sorry, reading your post is resonating with me so much at the moment.  We know what will happen however we still hold out hope.  It is the worst pain I have ever felt. 

The truth is, I don't even know what I'm holding out hope FOR.  I don't want this back.  It just feels like a horrible itch that has to be scratched, even if scratching makes me bleed. 

.

You will get that 'hit' that you crave and you will come down hard from it.

It's very true.  The best case scenario is that I will feel good for, say, the rest of the day, then feel doubly miserable tomorrow.

Contacting him was an effort to try and change something about him and our relationship. Not good.

Yes, I think any contact would be a thinly-veiled attempt to change something about the status quo, which is a bad idea. 

[BacknthSaddle]

Hey BacknthSaddle --


-- It's a "emotional" rather than cognitive thing.  I feel the surge of emotion (adrenaline) in my body.  For me, the somatic (body) experience of it is in my solar plexus, which throbs and gets tight.  

In the words of Daniel L. Siegel, M.D., your “brain is a relationship organ.” Your greatest fears, as a human being, are connected to not fulfilling these universal drives, which activates core existential fears of rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, loss of self or the unknown, and the like.  Thus, a belief is limiting when it unreasonably activates one or more of your core existential fears, such as rejection, abandonment or inadequacy, and so on.

My favorite lines:

Reactivity is caused by inner perceptions and not outer events.

Logic does not dictate behaviors. Emotions do.  If your ability to make conscious choices is regularly hijacked, a limiting fear is likely in play

The issue of emotions influencing somatic experience hits home.  I defiinitely feel a queasy feeling in my gut, literally, when the emotion that provokes a desire to contact hits me, and I know that feeling can be eliminated if I contact.  But, I need to wait it out.  Furthermore, you are right in that this is mostly about the activation of fears of inadequacy and rejection.  I have not been contacting her, but received a text recently that said "I miss my best friend."  This was mostly a way to remind me that she wanted to be attached but not romantically attached, which made me feel rejected and inadequate as a romantic partner.  When I see a picture of her in which she is preening for male attention, it just makes me feel more inadequate. So the point is: this is about my feelings, and there is nothing specific about "her," the person, that is going to help me.  I just need these feelings to be extinguished. 

I contacted many times in the weeks after we broke up. I tried many times to have an adult conversation about what happened to us. Each time I was left even more confused as before, as she turned everything around, twisted it, ignored what she didn't want to address, and I was left with more self doubt feeling worse than before. I would commit to no more contact, then a text or call would lift my spirits, before dropping me back even lower than before. I knew I had to get away for good, but I couldn't let go of those little hits, while I was so low.

This is a perfect summation of my experience. 

I would recommend you to write a list of her toxic deeds and read it when you have an urge to reach out. Reading your forum history could be helpful as well. I guess, you were triggered by the events of last week. Nothing good ever came out from breaking NC, you're just going to fall further down into the rabbit hole.

It's quite likely that there is already somebody else in the picture, beside you and her husband.

There is definitely someone else in the picture; indeed, there have been several.  You are right about the trigger, and the "friend" stuff is undoubtedly at least partially a way to rope me in and then tell me all about the new relationship (probably how it failed... .were it going well, I wouldn't hear from her), which I have made clear I don't want to hear about. 

When I get like this I can't even remember the toxic deeds, which is why going through the form history is so helpful. 

This is why you must be strict with the NC.

I need to be more strict.  Need to block her.  Given that we work together, entirely blocking her is impossible though; she can call my office or use my work email.  I am back in the FOG a bit, fearful of the explosion that would occur if I blocked her.  Can't deal with that emotional storm. But I have to be more strict, at least block her texts. 

You're staying away from her because it doesn't work with her.

You're choosing to live the best ways you can from now on.

Contact that's going to derail your progress doesn't make sense.

Thank you for reminding me of this.  It is absolute truth.

[AwakenedOne]

Please remind me why I shouldn't contact

Because being in a relationship with someone with BPD is like living on Fantasy Island with them. It is not real and will ultimately bring you pain.

Yes, there are tiny moments of sipping on a nice cool drink on the island in a beach chair in the sun, but after your drink is sipped you always get roughly escorted by the island staff goons off of the beach. She gets to stay on that beach and sip her drinks 24 hrs a day. The beach doesn't close for her. You get to be punched in the gut by one of the island staff goons as they throw you off the beach just as you started to enjoy your drink. Stay off the beach bro. Just get a drink at your local bar instead.

[antjs]

Please remind me why I shouldn't contact

Because being in a relationship with someone with BPD is like living on Fantasy Island with them. It is not real and will ultimately bring you pain.

Yes, there are tiny moments of sipping on a nice cool drink on the island in a beach chair in the sun, but after your drink is sipped you always get roughly escorted by the island staff goons off of the beach. She gets to stay on that beach and sip her drinks 24 hrs a day. The beach doesn't close for her. You get to be punched in the gut by one of the island staff goons as they throw you off the beach just as you started to enjoy your drink. Stay off the beach bro. Just get a drink at your local bar instead.

Hahaha excellent metaphor   i would call it the "public fantasy bay beach"

[bruised]

I would recommend you to write a list of her toxic deeds and read it when you have an urge to reach out.

Yes, yes, yes! This is the single most important tool in helping you stay NC and ultimately detaching. Focus on detaching first, then worry about the existential Zen stuff later.