No where to go from here

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi

iHave a Bpd Dtr in her twenties now.  One of three childrens who's siblings don't want to visit due to how uncomfortable they are made to feel .one is younger and wants to stay at home but say they can't because they are challenged all the time and have been subjected to violence from Bpd. Child. I hate my home because I am treated like a worthless servant and spend all my time in solitary in my room as I can't cope with constant challenging ,manipulation and bullying. I have asked for professional help to get child help in supported living but have been told not possible. Is this true ?  I don't know what to do as I don't want my child homeless but have to consider other kids and self preservation.

[black and white]

Hi

iHave a Bpd Dtr in her twenties now.  One of three childrens who's siblings don't want to visit due to how uncomfortable they are made to feel .one is younger and wants to stay at home but say they can't because they are challenged all the time and have been subjected to violence from Bpd. Child. I hate my home because I am treated like a worthless servant and spend all my time in solitary in my room as I can't cope with constant challenging ,manipulation and bullying. I have asked for professional help to get child help in supported living but have been told not possible. Is this true ?  I don't know what to do as I don't want my child homeless but have to consider other kids and self preservation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hanging on in MN]

Hi black and white:

I am new here also and just learning how to deal with my undiagnosed daughter UD13.  I feel your pain.  I am in the process of getting a mental health case worker through the county.  Mine is for children but they have adult also.  My aunt is schizophrenic and I do believe she is a ward of the state due to her mental illness.  At some point her mother somehow released all rights to her daughters care.  I'm not exactly sure how that all works, but when my aunt has issues or quits taking her meds, someone pays the price and she ends up going to the hospital until they release her.  I know she gets welfare and has an apartment, so the state does help them with all these things.  I am in Minnesota, but I'm sure all states have some sort of program like that. 

Check with your county human services they should be able to help you or point you in the right direction.

Good luck!

[pessim-optimist]

Hello black and white,



And welcome to the Parenting board! I am so sorry you are having such a hard time - living with our adult BPD child is never easy... . 

I am glad you have found us, you will be right at home among other parents who make their way through their situations and who understand what you are going through. There is hope, and there are ways to make your life more peaceful, hang in there black and white!

I am sorry the professionals have turned you down - there are definitely some options out there, often it's not easy to get through the system. Please don't give up.

What's your dd's situation? Is she diagnosed? Has she worked in the past? What have you tried so far regarding her living situation?

[black and white]

She has never worked dropped out of school at 12 we had childrens mental health service home schooling family therapy  they told me she was a naughty child probably because I'd missed the boat in disciplining her. As an adult she doesn't leave house unless she has to. Sleeps all day up all night she has been diagnosed with Bpd for a couple of years I've tried everything over years. It goes in a cycle of her loosing it and attacking someone or something physically I then get tough she acts ok for a while but gradually manipulates and controls until we are back to square one. I have had a breakdown already over this and feel close to it again however I have to keep going as I have a very demanding job at the moment she is saying I'm a disgusting failure because I've said she should move out. I love her don't get me wrong but don't think it's in hers ,mine or families interest to stay in this situation

[pessim-optimist]

I love her don't get me wrong but don't think it's in hers, mine or families interest to stay in this situation

I agree... .Hanging on in MN's suggestion might be a good starting point:

I know she gets welfare and has an apartment, so the state does help them with all these things.  I am in Minnesota, but I'm sure all states have some sort of program like that. 

Check with your county human services they should be able to help you or point you in the right direction

She might be able to get SSI since she is diagnosed... .It can be a long road, but there are programs out there.

It must be so hard to be under so much stress and pressure... .Do you have any activities in your busy schedule that calm you down and let you relax? Taking care of ourselves and meeting our needs is essential to our ability to keep functioning and helping our kids.

Also, this may not be the best time in the "cycle" to try drastic changes, but if and when you feel up to it, there are lots of helpful resources in the panel to the right ---->

and as you read and start implementing the communication tools and techniques, it may change the dynamic of your situation and make your life more manageable.

How to take a timeout is a really good resource for keeping yourself safe and protecting yourself from abuse (and also for ending unproductive "circular arguments" that just go round and round).

To help with communication (to let the person w/BPD know that we hear them and that we understand), validation, and SET are essential. However, when things escalate to the point that the person w/BPD is emotionally out of control, it's best to end the conversation and pick it up at a more calm time.

What have you had a chance to read so far on BPD?

[MammaMia]

Black and White

I understand exactly how you feel.  My BPDs is now 40.  He does not live with me which is a Godsend for both of us.  Not having them in your home is not a complete answer, but it certainly helps. 

I would check with Social Services to see if there is some way to relocate your dd. I assume that no one in the family will help, as is often the case. Would she be amenable to living elsewhere, and is  she able to care for herself?  Does she have any friends she might share an apartment with? While by law your dd is an adult, the limits created by BPD may compromise her ability to function as one, depending on the severity of her disorder.

If that fails, about all you can do is seek therapy and support for yourself.  Set boundaries that she cannot cross and remain at home and then follow through. Do not allow her to make you a victim of her illness. 

Bpd is such a cruel disorder, and it attacks the lives and wellbeing of everyone who loves a person with it.  This is infinitely more difficult when it affects a grown child.  One can divorce a spouse with BPD or leave a significant other, but the complications created by mentally ill children are much more complex.

Please keep posting and let us help you to sort through this. We do understand how you feel and how dd affects your life.  We will support you and make certain you do not feel alone.  There are many excellent resources on this site to help with behavioral issues.  Please check them out if you have not already.

In the meantime, thank you for joining us and please take care of yourself.