Lonely and defeated.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 I'm new here and wanted to say hello.  I told a bit of my story on the introduction page, which went something like this.

I've decided to come out of the closet and find some help for myself. My story is so complicated that I don't know where to start.  I'm married 10 years to an un-dx BPD, however it's been discussed in counseling.  I've spent the better part of my marriage trying to figure out what all the chaos is about.  My husband has been both physically and mentally abusive towards my children.  He's an intelligent man that's great at manipulation, twisting stories and distorting reality.  He instigates arguments, talks with a contemptuous tone, retaliates when he feels slighted, jealous of my kids, lies, expects things from others that he doesn't expect from himself, he's condescending and belittles people.  He's emotionally void.  You can't have a conversation with him without him becoming defensive and it becoming a circular conversation.  He takes no responsibility for his  behaviors, blames everyone else around him and never apologizes for anything (maybe a few times he's apologized.)  There's no longer a sex life and never was much intimacy.  I'm a huge communicator and have been discussing my unhappiness, my feeling lonely and my need for a sex life.  He'll either get defensive or won't say anything when you discuss this stuff.

After an incident 2 years ago he's been in counseling.  I go with him from time to time but it just frustrates the heck out of me.  I feel like there's never any resolution and he just continues his behaviors.

His crazy behaviors only escalate when you ignore him.  I'm so very done with this.  I know I deserve better but right now I'm feeling stuck, scared and very alone.

 

[Breaze513]

 I'm new here and wanted to say hello.  I told a bit of my story on the introduction page, which went something like this.

I've decided to come out of the closet and find some help for myself. My story is so complicated that I don't know where to start.  I'm married 10 years to an un-dx BPD, however it's been discussed in counseling.  I've spent the better part of my marriage trying to figure out what all the chaos is about.  My husband has been both physically and mentally abusive towards my children.  He's an intelligent man that's great at manipulation, twisting stories and distorting reality.  He instigates arguments, talks with a contemptuous tone, retaliates when he feels slighted, jealous of my kids, lies, expects things from others that he doesn't expect from himself, he's condescending and belittles people.  He's emotionally void.  You can't have a conversation with him without him becoming defensive and it becoming a circular conversation.  He takes no responsibility for his  behaviors, blames everyone else around him and never apologizes for anything (maybe a few times he's apologized.)  There's no longer a sex life and never was much intimacy.  I'm a huge communicator and have been discussing my unhappiness, my feeling lonely and my need for a sex life.  He'll either get defensive or won't say anything when you discuss this stuff.

After an incident 2 years ago he's been in counseling.  I go with him from time to time but it just frustrates the heck out of me.  I feel like there's never any resolution and he just continues his behaviors.

His crazy behaviors only escalate when you ignore him.  I'm so very done with this.  I know I deserve better but right now I'm feeling stuck, scared and very alone.

 

[Emelie Emelie]

Hello L & D, and welcome.  It sounds like you've had a difficult time of it.  For a very long time.  I'm glad you found us.  Please know that you're not alone.  There are a lot of wonderful people here, many in situations similar to yours, that can help you sort this out.    Hugs to you.

[Soccerchic]

Oh my gosh wow wow.  You are me. I'm in 100% exact situation.  I'm close to done but I've been reading the articles on this sight and it's helped with decreasing the fighting. I feel like when he has an issue or problem I listen to him and focus on a solution. When I try to talk to him, the results make me want to bang my head against a wall.  I just popped on the board because I am at a loss for how to deal with this.  He is in his mopey phase and was sharing about his new therapy and how traumatic his life has been. I can't tell you how often I hear how hard he has had it. Now granted I never doubt he is dealing with significant loss but he latches on to the statements of therapists saying how did you make it through. He interprets their empathy as validating this victim role he has. I tried to talk about myself (he always always steers conversations to himself). I mentioned that my parents were abusive and I had almost been raped (previous horrible short lived accidental relationship with an absolute nut job that hid crazy at first. It was literally scary like on those made for TV lifetime specials). I said this to show that a person could overcome these things and not be abusive emotionally.  He latched on to my parents not hearing a thing about the rape thingy. He totally ignored it until I repeated. When we talk he often is not even looking at me unless we talk about him. He then got upset with me because I told him I didn't feel like talking with him if he wouldn't even turn to look at me. The "talks" with him are old and circular and BORING. I tell him what I need.  He stares at me (or not) quietly not offering me any insight agreement ect unless he gets defensive. I feel like our conversations are on repeat. I told him I needed to receive physical attention. The man has no game. He doesn't playfully kiss me or make sexual overtures unless I am next to him in bed and it's 3 am. I take care of my appearance.  It's not like I'm some gross chick who won't wear lingeree or shave her legs. I work out and take care of my appearance. I honestly he has no idea to give emotionally and has no confidence in his role as a man. He is good once in the bedroom but so not affectionate outside of that 3am window. I tried to explain that I have a highly visible and responsible job having to make impt decisions that effect many people every day, I pay the bills, and I love all sports except for the lame ones.  I need to feel like a lady and not in so much control all the time. His neediness is overwhelming. He is having a medical issue from a sports injury in the past and an on the job injury and won't be back to work for another month. He never prepped for how to get on workers comp quickly and wasn't concerned he wasn't been paid this week.  I would never ever ever do that. He just expected me to continue to carry the financial load.  It's unreal. I need to split up our bank accounts but really want to wait until he heals. I'm mad but I m sometimes confused if I'm in love or just on a rescue mission. I hate the feeling of not being sexually playful. It's like he can not read what would make me feel closer to him or even arroused by him. He just gives blank face and communicates nothing unless it's to point out that I am criticizing him. I am so proud of myself that I didn't launch into a resentment filled rant about his stupidness but just focused in on how I was feeling even though he just kept saying so you need me to go away in response to me stating I'm taking a time out so I don't say anything hurtful.  I'm soo frustrated and soo feeling trapped.

[Breaze513]

Hello L & D, and welcome.  It sounds like you've had a difficult time of it.  For a very long time.  I'm glad you found us.  Please know that you're not alone.  There are a lot of wonderful people here, many in situations similar to yours, that can help you sort this out.    Hugs to you.

Thank you for the welcome.  I'm glad to find a place to help unravel the years of insanity with others that have been there.

[Breaze513]

Oh my gosh wow wow.  You are me. I'm in 100% exact situation.  I'm close to done but I've been reading the articles on this sight and it's helped with decreasing the fighting.

Sorry to hear you're struggling too.  I've been scouring websites for 2 years trying to figure out what the heck was going on.  There's so much helpful information on this site.

[nanc]

Dear Breaze513,

You are so not alone! Your story is also my story. Like the two others already in your topic. LIke you I have tried for 2 years to make any sense from all that chaos happening. He is having therapy for more than a year now. At first there was big progress. But now there is no progress what so ever. He is telling lies to the therapist and she is not capable of handling that. And so it all makes it worse. Even started medication for about 6 months ago. But even that is not working. It seems like his emotions or feelings are getting more numb by the day. Resulting in lack of cooperation to at least try to make something out of this relationship. I love him so much, but he is turning into someone I really start to hate. The ambushes almost every day is so hard to keep dealing with. And there seems no progress at all anymore. When do you have to make the descision to stop all this? I have tried all advise on this website for over a year now. It is not getting us anywhere anymore.

And yes, I am feeling completely stuck, very scared and so alone. Made an appointment with a therapist myself. Just in order to try to find someone who can help me stop feeling so stuck and scared and alone. I don't know anymore. But I am so tired of all this. Just want to be happy with him.