First Custody Eval Meeting - What to expect?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

DH and his uBPDex have their first Custody Eval meeting coming up. DH is going for full decision making and majority time during the school week. The CE wanted to meet with them both together (ohhhhh boy).

For those who have been through this, what are some questions the CE will ask? What do you remember about your first meeting? What did you do well and what would you have done differently?

I'm thinking uBPDx is going to interrupt DH and do a lot of blaming and shaming. I keep telling him he's going to have to be cool as a cucumber and just focus on "this is what I want for SD9" instead of getting sucked into the blame game.

[Thunderstruck]

DH and his uBPDex have their first Custody Eval meeting coming up. DH is going for full decision making and majority time during the school week. The CE wanted to meet with them both together (ohhhhh boy).

For those who have been through this, what are some questions the CE will ask? What do you remember about your first meeting? What did you do well and what would you have done differently?

I'm thinking uBPDx is going to interrupt DH and do a lot of blaming and shaming. I keep telling him he's going to have to be cool as a cucumber and just focus on "this is what I want for SD9" instead of getting sucked into the blame game.

[ForeverDad]

I remember my sessions with my CE.  Whether fortunate or not, he never tried to see us together.  I recall our first session when he told me that past parenting history was about half the equation.  That worried me because my ex stopped working after our son was born and became SAHM.  He was a good CE, a child psycologist who also taught at the local university.  He was perceptive, though he stated he was not there to diagnose anything, just make parenting recommendations to the court.

Well, I saw the initial report, it could have been summarized in just a few sentences, and one was... ."Mother cannot share 'her' child but father can."  Yes, the quotes around 'her' were his!  So that's partly what made a difference for our report, my ex's "inability to share" our child.  Try to get that point expressed during the sessions.  It's not a specific statement, you and your spouse would have to provide documentation of incidents and patterns to support it, but it ought to mean a lot to a perceptive and experienced CE.

[bravhart1]

We are about in the same place with all this Thunderstruck. DH and uBPDm are just about to begin the CE. I too am pretty worried as mom is pretty good at fooling people initially. It takes a few months of knowing her to see the lies and deceptions and dysfunction.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and at other times I just say, "we've done all we can do, live right, and don't try to make this harder on kiddo, so let the chips fall where they may".

Don't know if either solution is going to make this easier. Have been reading a book called "Conducting Child Custody Evaluations" by Phillp Stahl. It written in the perspective of advise to the CE, so that's been interesting to see what they are looking for, but it's all what I would expect.

I am worried that with the CE happening her attempts at false accusations are going to come up again and feel like I have to be extra vigilant, which kind of make the tension higher around here. You?

[Thunderstruck]

This situation is big time triggering uBPDbm (I'm guessing due to potential loss of child support and fear of abandoment and losing control of the situation). She's throwing all sorts of emotional accusations (lies and projections) at DH and it's getting very ugly. It's hard at these times to not get on the defensive and not get sucked into the back and forth. This is going to be the hardest part about being in the sessions with a CE. DH will constantly have to defend himself and it will be more difficult to get to the real issue which is what is best going forward.

L did say one question to be prepared to answer is "What are your strengths/weaknesses as a parent?" and to be able to answer that about uBPDbm as well. I'm wondering what other things they'll ask so DH can start thinking of what he would like to say.

[bravhart1]

From what I have read, questions like "what initially made you want to be in a r/s with "___" ?

and "what are your child's strengths"? trying to find out if you have a good grip on your child's personality and likes/dislikes.

Being prepared for the home visit, are there pictures of bio mom in child's room? Is their room set up for their age, appropriate books, toys etc.?

What sorts of activities does child do with you? Swimming, baseball, dance? Does child have enough friends, playdates?

[AlonelyOne]

She's throwing all sorts of emotional accusations (lies and projections) at DH and it's getting very ugly. It's hard at these times to not get on the defensive and not get sucked into the back and forth. This is going to be the hardest part about being in the sessions with a CE. DH will constantly have to defend himself and it will be more difficult to get to the real issue which is what is best going forward.

You have no idea how much I envy your DH, that he has someone by his side to support him.   

[ForeverDad]

I recall my days in court and with the various professionals.  I'd walk out belatedly thinking of all the points I failed to make.  I didn't prioritize my lists and that sabotaged me.  I recall one time I had about 11 issues to discuss.  We got 3 or 4 discussed and then time was up and some important ones weren't even touched.  Can DH go in with a written list (prioritized) that he can check off as points are discussed?  He should have copies so the CE can see his outline, be aware that if he shares it with the CE then it may be shared with his ex too.

[Thunderstruck]

You have no idea how much I envy your DH, that he has someone by his side to support him.   

Believe me, both of us would have been lost if it weren't for the help and support I've gotten from bpdfamily! 

I recall my days in court and with the various professionals.  I'd walk out belatedly thinking of all the points I failed to make.  I didn't prioritize my lists and that sabotaged me.  I recall one time I had about 11 issues to discuss.  We got 3 or 4 discussed and then time was up and some important ones weren't even touched.  Can DH go in with a written list (prioritized) that he can check off as points are discussed?  He should have copies so the CE can see his outline, be aware that if he shares it with the CE then it may be shared with his ex too.

That's good advice too. Our L said something similar. He stressed to start with education and work our way down. He said to take a little note with highlights on it. Not something to show the CE but just something to jog his memory.

[ForeverDad]

Try to keep it about the children and their parenting (and even a stable environment where they can prosper).

If DH keeps moving the focus back to the children and ex keep making it in subtle ways about herself, that will be observed by a perceptive CE.  Also, a perceptive CE will see who is fostering problems by not letting go of the complaints about adult issues and behaviors.  Remember, the focus is on the children and so the parenting behaviors need the primary focus.  The adult behaviors can get attention - her poor ones and DH & your good ones - but the primary focus stays with the children and parenting.  (As an example, don't ignore driving drunk, an adult issue, since it greatly impacts parenting.)

Courts and the professionals are likely to let a lot of the minor stuff be ignored.  What really gets their attention is child abuse, child neglect and child endangerment.  If you don't have that, then give emphasis to stability and consistency in the home.  Another thing to emphasize, many people with BPD (pwBPD) are entitled, dictatorial and very controlling and so, as I already mentioned, sharing the children is very hard for them.  That distinction between my ex and myself was a very important factor to my CE.

It's been said that a reasonably normal parent will say "my children need me" and a messed up parent will say "I need my children".  Keep an ear open in case that distinction comes out.  (Someone must have prepped my ex, she knew to say it the better way, but fortunately our CE wasn't fooled by words.)

Be aware that DH may not come out as an angel, that's okay, his goal is to be a reasonably normal person trying to be an involved and effective parent.

[david]

I recently finished a CE. WE had three meetings together. The CE required that any papers handed to him had to be in threes. One for him, one for ex, and one for me. I had all my points on one sheet of paper. Ex had nothing but false allegations. The CE challenged us both with what the other had. I simply stated that what ex said was untrue. He tested me on a few things and I remained calm. Ex has been constant with accusing me of physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse. I pointed out that I only communicate through email.Ex agreed and complained that I refused to talk to her. I pointed out that I haven't been near her in over three years and whenever I pick the boys up at her place I have a video and an audio recorder with me in case she comes near me.

My main concern is ex doesn't help either boy with their school work even though she has majority of school time with them. Our boys are 15 and 11. Ex replied for our youngest by saying, "I already ready did 4th grade homework and have no intention of doing it again." Her reply for S15 was that it was my fault because I should put my foot up his ___ to make him do homework at her place. I felt like hugging ex after those comments. Ex could not contain herself.

The report came back. It was 16 pages. It was all positive for me. We have a court date for next month. My atty is trying to negotiate with ex instead of court. I wanted a court date so that we would have a timeline to a conclusion. Puts the pressure on ex to settle.

My ex left in 2007. I was too much in fog to deal with her that well. Separation and time helped me to detach. Ex is stuck in the same mode of thinking as 7 years ago. In the meeting, she realized I wasn't being swayed by her accusations. This led her to escalate to try to throw me off. I stayed focused on the kids. Bythe last meeting ex realized she didn't look too good and threatened the CE with her atty.

Keeping your cool under the assault is the best thing you can do. Also, don't forget to have every issue on paper so you don't forget anything. Like FD said, try to keep it about the children and their parenting.

You may not have everything you need with you if ex throws accusations at you. I simply denied them. Any that I had some kind of proof I mentioned it ( told him what it consisted of) and offered to bring it to the next meetiong. He asked for a few things but not everything. I established my truthfullness and I believe that went a long way in his decision.

[Thunderstruck]

It seems that uBPDbm isn't starting out on the right foot with the CE. She is refusing to set an appointment and is claiming she can only be available in the evenings or weekends because she can't take off work. The CE is writing a letter today to say uBPDbm has to comply or our L will have to file a motion to compel.

[bravhart1]

I have a feeling that our little BPD mom will also be trying to skate out of the CE since she only asked for it as a delay tactic. (which didn't work)

Your L will most likely be able to get her to comply or get back in front of the judge for him to ask her what the problem seems to be.  How come they can "never" take off work for things like court, CE's, or therapy appts. claiming they can't afford it, yet they are often taking off to "stay home in pj's" all day and take a hooky day off (keeping kiddo home from school too) and they seem to be able to take copious time off for vacation. I always want someone to ask her "with what money"?

Our situation has begun to digress to what I expected, the false accusations and trying to make it look like we missed a pick up. Our L wrote a letter to her L and called her out on the games and called her accusations "absurd", I must have read that letter a hundred times, it is so rare we are ever able to call her out on her drama and ridiculous behaviour. Sometimes it feels so good to see someone do it!