revealing texts

[BorisAcusio]

Why is it wrong ?  My dogs dying and I'm sad i am already sad I just wanted a hug or something. Maybe a sypathetic ear.

Why is it futile to expect support from somone who is uncapable to do that for you by her/his nature?

I guess I'm just back to the bargaining table.  Idk I think I know why.  The repress red core emotions I am processing have layers to them and I sort or go through a cycle of emotions each time and tend to find myself bargaining again.  

I know I can't talk to her anytime soon most definately and I should stick to nc. I can't take devaluing like that again it's far too painfull

I can assure you that the posters here have more true empathy and genuine care for you and your situation than your borderline ex ever had. There is no point contacting her now or any time in the future.

[goldylamont]

in a way i think you may have to keep going through this until you truly accept that she is who she is. you are super intelligent, i've read your posts, so you know that she'll never give you what you are asking for in these texts. why not type out the texts here and get some feedback from us before sending them next time. we have to find a way to redirect your attachment until you're strong enough to not act on them. i think you know that it's wrong to ask her for any type of emotional support at this point, right?

Why is it wrong ?  My dogs dying and I'm sad i am already sad I just wanted a hug or something. Maybe a sypathetic ear.

wanting a sympathetic ear is not wrong. seeking it from her is 100% wrong. i don't think you have fully accepted that this is true, so you keep reaching out to her over and over. each time you reach out you get the same feedback that it's unhealthy. i'm not sure how many times it will take for complete acceptance to occur but you could use this last example and make it the last. or, you can text her again, get the same result and maybe then you will accept. what can very likely occur though is that if you continue to reach out to her, becoming critical and negative, she may simply ignore or block you completely. i think it would be less painful for you to take control and stop contacting her before it comes to this.

I read it again and I get it now.  She's the chameleon soul yes but I'm the one afraid to feel what's real. Which is she doesn't care.  She don't care.  She does not care. 

I always will want her to care but she doesn't if she did she doesn't anymore.  The person I knew is dead, gone.  This stupid truama bond.  She taunts it that I always will.  Why can't I let this go?   

She only cares about herself. And her current attachmentS.  I don't feed her ego so I don't matter unless it would bring her shame. 

She doesn't care.  She doesn't care. 

this is the courageous insight i was hoping you would see. these r/s break down our ego. and i feel that your ego is trying to reconstruct things to repair itself, but this can be unrealistic and problematic. for example, you've alluded several times that your ex is unintelligent/dumb. in a way i feel like you are patting yourself on the back for being intellectually superior to her. however, we have to be fair and realize in your communications that she is showing a higher level of emotional intelligence. not saying she is emotionally healthy or morally correct, yet still with a bird's eye view the dynamic that keeps repeating itself is that you will reach out to her, expecting her to apologize or acknowledge your pain. doing this a few times is normal, yet at this point i think it's important to take responsibility for reaching out and expecting a positive outcome. i think your realization above is key to your recovery in this area.

what can you do so that this doesn't happen again? switching from sending her critical/longing texts to critical/longing phone calls will not help. i think you are hedging to leave an excuse to reach out to her in the future.

believing and knowing that she is not invested in you shows that you are much more empathic and 'get her' much more than projecting a personal fantasy onto her. we know her investment by her actions.

if you truly wanted to reach out to her in the future. i wouldn't do it until i was at the point where her response didn't matter as much. i would only do it if i were truly healthy and not invested in the idea of what (i thought) was. i would fall in love with someone else healthy beforehand and learn from this experience. i would wait to pass through bargaining and be well into the acceptance phase. this could be years out blimblam. there's no quick fix. take care. and also i am truly sorry about your dog.

[MommaBear]

Oh for Pete's sake! Is this woman for real?

I'm so sorry your dog has died. Especially at a time like this! The comfort of animals is so important for those of us who can have pets. They don't judge, and they just give love. I can't tell you how sorry I am that this has happened.



That being said, I think the other posters are right in that you should save these texts as a reminder of how horribly cold, detached, dehumanizing and invalidating these people can be.

This is only a mistake if you don't learn from it. Learn from it. Take that text message, and read it over and over anytime you feel like breaking NC again.

Never forget the monster behind the mask. It's real, and the mask is just that. A mask.

[LettingGo14]

wanting a sympathetic ear is not wrong. seeking it from her is 100% wrong. i don't think you have fully accepted that this is true, so you keep reaching out to her over and over. each time you reach out you get the same feedback that it's unhealthy. i'm not sure how many times it will take for complete acceptance to occur but you could use this last example and make it the last. or, you can text her again, get the same result and maybe then you will accept. what can very likely occur though is that if you continue to reach out to her, becoming critical and negative, she may simply ignore or block you completely. i think it would be less painful for you to take control and stop contacting her before it comes to this.

This is an excellent and insightful assessment for you, BB, by goldylamont.  As he said earlier, and echoed by others, this forum is a good place to work through what arises.  Engaging your ex -- and expecting a different response -- will keep you stuck.

I am also very sorry about your dog.  And I empathize with your sadness with the others who have reached out to you.

You are acknowledging what arises, you are making self-inquiry, and you are processing all of it.   ----------->  detachment leads to freedom, BB.  

All roads to detachment for you lead through you and you alone.

[Artisan]

Blim, please forgive me. The messages you sent to her seemed pretty nebulous.

Very romantic, beautiful, and able to be taken in a variety of contexts. Good stuff for shakespeare. Has never worked for myself in real life, especially during misunderstanding. Real communication can be very direct, blunt, and not-poety-pretty.

Is what you were really saying between the beautiful poetry 'I need you?'

Why not say that directly? I need love, I need support, I need comfort, I am in pain, my best friend is dead. I cannot stand this agony, please let me know that you love me.

of course, we all know that speaking so directly doesn't work. However, one may dream.

I am sorry for you and your dog. Its horrible, painful, and she cannot give you the support you yearn for. What sucks is that you need that support, she is still the one who gave it to you in the past ... .validating, understanding, loving ... .and now that you really need it ... .cold, distant, unloving.

With gratitude, we are here for you during your loss of your best friend.

Our hearts go out to you.

PS, My best friend, the kitty cat named Hemmingway, died during my relationship with my exBPD and it was brutal and traumatic. I can only imagine what you are going through and wish you only the best.

[Blimblam]

She later texted I always will be in her heart.   

Ugh I want a fwb.