Just realised..

[HoldingAHurricane]

I have been a member of the Staying Board for a while. My husband was diagnosed with BPD over a year ago and is doing well in treatment. As things have become more stable, I have reached a new place in my therapy of realising that my Dad has many traits of BPD.

Growing up, our house was conflict ridden and unpredictable. He oscillated between adoring me, which caused problems with my mother, and acting like he hated me. I can recognise the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse and name it as abuse for the first time.

Its been over a year since my Dad stopped speaking to me. I stepped out of line, in his opinion, and while he has done this before, it seems to have set in this time. My mother and I have a complicated relationship. She used me as a friend and confident as a child but rejected me for criticising my Dad a lot. It was confusing. She also told me his abuse of me was my fault quite often. Since my Dad cut me out of his life, she has withdrawn too. We have contact but its strained and infrequent.

My brother and my relationship is strained. My Mum blamed me for my Dad's behaviour and my brother brought into that.

Ironically, my parents have both rejected my husband due to some typical BPD behaviours he displayed in the beginning despite him working hard in therapy and doing well. My family pride itself of being able to hold grudges for decades, if not for life.

I go from feeling relief that they are not part of my day to day life anymore to feeling quite rejected and cast aside. It feels really unfair. My therapist said that I was made the scapegoat in my family and is helping me unravel it all.

Tonight, I am feeling a bit low about it all.

[Kwamina]

Hi HoldingAHurricane ,

You're right, being treated this way by your parents is very unfair indeed. Unfortunately fairness has a very different meaning in the context of dealing with a BPD parent. In my experience BPD parents are often able to justify their behavior because in their mind it is fair to treat their children any way they want to. This is probably partly caused by the huge sense of entitlement many people with BPD have. You're already a long time member so I guess you're already quite familiar with the BPD dynamics. Only difference is that now you're seeing it in your dad too. Being treated like a scapegoat by your own family is very unfair and hurtful. I'm sorry you've experienced this and are in fact still experiencing it. Do you feel like your father in any way acknowledges or at any point in time has acknowledged that there's something wrong with his behavior?

Having a uBPD parent ain't easy, I know this all too well from growing up with a uBPD mother. I am very happy though that your husband is in treatment and doing well! BPD is a difficult disorder but if the person with BPD acknowledges his issues and is committed to working on them, positive changes are definitely possible as you have seen with your husband.

[Ziggiddy]

HoldingAHurricane

Your post resonated with me. The BPD spectre just messes with every aspect of family life at times doesn't it? It's a hard thing to discover that your upbringing was not quite what you thought it was and the work of recasting your experience in light of that takes its toll. I feel for you 

I too have strained r/ships within my FOO although as my marriage has improved due to my own application and understanding of the dynamics (and frankly by shifting a lot of large attention-time to my husband from my uBPDm) I have noticed a decline in 'friendly' relations with my folks.

our house was conflict ridden and unpredictable. He oscillated between adoring me, which caused problems with my mother, and acting like he hated me. I can recognise the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse and name it as abuse for the first time.

It's quite an eyeopener to suddenly realise what you thought of as 'normal family dynamic' was actually abuse of multiple facets.

Sounds like this may have contributed to your feeling low as you grieve for the loss of your perceived r/ship and awaken to what it really was. This takes so much courage and self-patience - go you!

I hope you are able to tell yourself that this is a phase and it will  it WILL shift into a more manageable feeling as you move through it.

I say that but I am a bit stuck myself! I have little patience with being low and expect it to change in a heartbeat. Unrealistic I know but hey, I can have a wish can't I? ;o)

Are you able to find time to take yourself out of your thoughts and just do something pleasant and enjoyable to give yourself a break from the washing tides of the folks in your family? Sometimes a bit of a disconnect and rest can help. And maybe give yourself a big hug for making it through so far? I think are real brave for working with yourself and two thumbs up for your husband applying himself to recovery.

I hope you can experience some real peace soon. Just reading your post has helped ME anyway.

Best of luck

Ziggiddy

[HoldingAHurricane]

Thanks to both of you for taking some time to reply.

My Dad has little insight into himself to my knowledge. He has never spoken to me about my childhood in a way that makes me feel he has any awareness about how he acted. My Mum seemed to think he was unaware in her conversations with him too. I noticed in recent years his overwriting of history and that probably helps. I never really understood how he can vividly recall himself as a doting, involved Dad until I started to understand BPD. He recalls all kinds of things that never happened, himself attending events he wasn't present at or participating in a way that is so far from the truth it stopped being a case of perception and crossed over into delusion. My husband does that same kind of thing. I don't expect my Dad will ever get to a place where he can see things as they were but I know my healing doesn't rest on that even though I feel ambivalent about his lack of acknowledgment sometimes.

My Mum went there once. She said something generic like she was sorry he hadn't been a better mother and that she made some mistakes. I was too stunned to respond and she moved on. I want to appreciate the sentiment but I more feel underwhelmed by the smallness of it in comparison to the largeness of the impact of the abuse in which she was complicit. Maybe I was expecting or hoping for too much. Again, its neither here nor there, I don't need her to validate what I know happened.

I'm thinking I'm grieving the loss of the idea of a loving family as well as the loss of the actual people. I don't miss them as often as I miss the happy family that I wanted for myself.

Being partnered with a pwBPD has been the catalyst for some pretty heavy duty self examination and change. It's the silver lining. I'm not sure I would have begun this part of the journey without him being in my life.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi  HoldingAHurricane

It's a difficult thing to come to grips with the loss you must feel as you are awakening to the effects of BPD. I feel for you so much when you talk about grieving the loss of the family life you would have wished for and deserved. You have to come to grips with a whole different view of events don't you? It seems as though many things are recast in light of it. I am sorry for the sadness you are going through as you do this. It is painful I know but I am pleased for you to have a new grounding to work from.

My Dad has little insight into himself to my knowledge. He has never spoken to me about my childhood in a way that makes me feel he has any awareness about how he acted. My Mum seemed to think he was unaware in her conversations with him too. I noticed in recent years his overwriting of history and that probably helps. I never really understood how he can vividly recall himself as a doting, involved Dad until I started to understand BPD. He recalls all kinds of things that never happened, himself attending events he wasn't present at or participating in a way that is so far from the truth it stopped being a case of perception and crossed over into delusion. My husband does that same kind of thing. I don't expect my Dad will ever get to a place where he can see things as they were but I know my healing doesn't rest on that even though I feel ambivalent about his lack of acknowledgment sometimes. 

The ambivalence you feel is quite natural - it's what normal parents would do - love you cherish you and praise you for the things you do and celebrate the person you are. It's a loss to not have what every child needs somehow.

As far as the ''rose coloured glasses syndrome" (as I like to call it!) it seems that due to their fleeting emotions, they really believe that what they feel is fact at the time they feel it and then seem to have little reason to doubt those 'facts'. It's an important lesson I think - feelings = facts. It helps in comprehending the frame of reference they use.

It's good that you are aware that your father may never reach a true clarity of reality as it helps you to remove focus from hoping his behaviour will change and put it on healing yourself.  Easier said than done , I know!

Your mother is no doubt part of the enabling due to her own feelings/beliefs.

It is a shame that she too can't grasp the magnitude of the effects of your dad's actions. I totally get what you mean about it being too little. I notice with my own folks a similar dynamic. A small concession to a large wrong. Like putting a bandaid on a broken bone. It doesn't help much. It's something but it's not enough.

You say you don't need her to validate what you know well done! <applauds> I wish I was at the same place as you in that but alas ... I still need to work towards that.

It might be beneficial for you to read the Survivor to Thriver guide if you haven't already done so ---> it's on the RHS.

In any case you are making great progress and hopefully will reap the benefits of your healing process soon. Meanwhile keep us posted. I am very interested to hear of new developments

All the best

Ziggiddy