Trying to process the pain...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

He told me, when he broke up with me the second time (about 3 1/2 months ago) that he was "actively seeking a new relationship".  Looking for a woman who could "meet his needs".  Well it appears he has found one.  And oh my God does it hurt.  I was doing better.  Still hurting but functional.  Not now.  I know it was bound to happen eventually.  Then again I think I secretly held out hope that he'd come back.  Like he did before.  But it was different this time.  He hasn't reached out to me at all.  So I should have known.  I know it probably won't go much better with this one.  That doesn't really matter.  He still chose someone else over me.  Anyone else over me.  I just want to disappear.  I don't want to feel anymore.  I am still surprised (and frightened to be honest) at my inability to deal with this break up.  Shocked that I still love someone who betrayed me this way.  I was so vulnerable when I went back to him.  I was so afraid of him abruptly dumping me again.  I went through hell the first time.  I said "no" several times because of it.  He knew that.  But boy did he pull out all the stops to convince me I was the love of his life and he would never risk losing me again.  And he did it again.  Faster and more cruelly than the last time.  I keep telling myself, over and over, "You'll be okay, you'll be okay... ."  I just wish I believed it.  Thanks for listening.  I am just devastated beyond words. 

[Emelie Emelie]

He told me, when he broke up with me the second time (about 3 1/2 months ago) that he was "actively seeking a new relationship".  Looking for a woman who could "meet his needs".  Well it appears he has found one.  And oh my God does it hurt.  I was doing better.  Still hurting but functional.  Not now.  I know it was bound to happen eventually.  Then again I think I secretly held out hope that he'd come back.  Like he did before.  But it was different this time.  He hasn't reached out to me at all.  So I should have known.  I know it probably won't go much better with this one.  That doesn't really matter.  He still chose someone else over me.  Anyone else over me.  I just want to disappear.  I don't want to feel anymore.  I am still surprised (and frightened to be honest) at my inability to deal with this break up.  Shocked that I still love someone who betrayed me this way.  I was so vulnerable when I went back to him.  I was so afraid of him abruptly dumping me again.  I went through hell the first time.  I said "no" several times because of it.  He knew that.  But boy did he pull out all the stops to convince me I was the love of his life and he would never risk losing me again.  And he did it again.  Faster and more cruelly than the last time.  I keep telling myself, over and over, "You'll be okay, you'll be okay... ."  I just wish I believed it.  Thanks for listening.  I am just devastated beyond words. 

[screwedfriend]

i am so sorry. I am sure it was bad enough already and this just adds insult to injury. It seems it is like me and all the others I have read about. It is a cycle of love then hate or abandonment. i hope you can find a way to deal with it and move on and find someone who truly deserves your love and loyalty, because you sound like a sweet and decent lady who deserves better than to be treated this way. Best wishes on a quick recovery this time around.

[cosmonaut]

I'm right there with you Emelie.  I can't believe how much this relationship has brought me to my knees either.  It's surreal.  And agonizingly painful.  I'm so sorry to hear about how hurt you are feeling.  I would be crushed to death if I heard that my ex was seeing someone else.  I really am so sorry.   

I keep thinking on what it was that has me so floored over this breakup.  I think part of it is the shock.  When we have been told with such sincerity that we are the love of someone's life.  That they couldn't imagine life without us.  That we are their everything.  When this goes on for years.  And then just STOPS.  It's just profoundly shocking.  I think I am still trying to process that shock.  It's sort of the moment when Wiley Coyote goes over the cliff and hangs suspended in air, and for a moment he can't quite seem to understand what happened.  Where did the road go?  I still sort of feel that way.  Mentally I know that it was all mirroring and idealization.  But emotionally, it is still gut wrenching trying to understand how the love of your life could just leave.   :'(

Hang in there, Emelie.  I've been having a very rough time lately too.  I've been feeling very down and also increasingly angry.  I am so sick of being upset about all this.  I feel emotionally exhausted.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand and I hope things look up soon for both of us.   

[MommaBear]

I'm so sorry, Emile. No one deserves to be treated this way.

As weird as this sounds, try to remember the bad things they did, and ask yourself if you really want to sign on for more of the same.

My ex recently decided to have me meet his new GF. Yay. You know, since she'll have a hand in raising our kid.

I feel like telling her, "Run, sweetie. Run far and run fast. You seem like a nice, decent person, but before long, he'll have you doubting your sanity and acting out in ways you never imagined, just to be heard. He is not the loving prince you think he is."

But I can't. I just have to sit back and watch him wreck her life, too.

Just remember, you were the new person in their life at one time too ... .nothing ever lasts with pwBPD. Happiness terrifies them, and inevitably, they ruin everything the love.

[topknot]

Oh Emelie Emelie,  I feel for you. I have been there before and am sure I am there now, I just don't know about it yet.  No contact from his side always means there is someone else, at least for me. I take solace in some of his past confessions.  He dumped me to take my replacement piece of crap to his son's wedding in California. I apparently was not good enough. He said,  when I finally got her in bed, she just laid there, and I thought,  this is not what I expected.  She was nothing like you... Yeah, no kidding.  One of my favorite sayings is, you want freedom? Here is all your rope... she will never be me. You want to not contact me? Here is so much fricking space you will forget what the h3ll I look like. Be strong,  sister... .

[Caredverymuch]

He told me, when he broke up with me the second time (about 3 1/2 months ago) that he was "actively seeking a new relationship".  Looking for a woman who could "meet his needs".  Well it appears he has found one.  And oh my God does it hurt.  I was doing better.  Still hurting but functional.  Not now.  I know it was bound to happen eventually.  Then again I think I secretly held out hope that he'd come back.  Like he did before.  But it was different this time.  He hasn't reached out to me at all.  So I should have known.  I know it probably won't go much better with this one.  That doesn't really matter.  He still chose someone else over me.  Anyone else over me.  I just want to disappear.  I don't want to feel anymore.  I am still surprised (and frightened to be honest) at my inability to deal with this break up.  Shocked that I still love someone who betrayed me this way.  I was so vulnerable when I went back to him.  I was so afraid of him abruptly dumping me again.  I went through hell the first time.  I said "no" several times because of it.  He knew that.  But boy did he pull out all the stops to convince me I was the love of his life and he would never risk losing me again.  And he did it again.  Faster and more cruelly than the last time.  I keep telling myself, over and over, "You'll be okay, you'll be okay... ."  I just wish I believed it.  Thanks for listening.  I am just devastated beyond words. 

Oh Emelie, my   goes out to you. I can feel your pain and I can so relate.

You know, before I found this site and I learned an abundant amount about this d/o, I too was going through a similar course. And I had no knowledge of why or more importantly, WHAT in the world was going on with this man I loved.

My expBPD split me so many times after idealization and he so quickly recycled me. As in day to day recycling . Sometimes the rapid cycling was within a period of 24 hrs. The day might start with such warmth and sharing, followed by a mid day text stating he just couldn't see me any longer, followed by my response stating my hurt feelings, my immense confusion, yet stating my refusal to participate further, followed by a text 2 hrs later from him stating "Where are you? You can't leave me (( I need you!  I love you! I know all the pain I have caused you but I love you so very much." ( all those ! were there too).  Followed by a phone call with him sobbing and more of the same. This was a wash, rinse, and repeat pattern and crazy making.   But, I was so gosh darn in love with my dream come true man. Head over heels. And, I had no idea about anything regarding why this was happening out of nowhere. I kept trying to understand and I knew nothing about BPD.

When i saw him with my replacement in all this craze, it hit me so deep in the gut. Here I was, on the heels of a very new NC with him, grieving, panicking, not sleeping, crying, full of anxiety, confusion, missing the man I loved beyond, of course believing he was too. Reading all about BPD and fear of abandonment and the cyclings, about splitting and replacements. And nodding to myself about much of the criteria and behaviors but saying NO way, there is just no way he is trying to replace me.  That part of BPD doesn't apply to the man I know. We are in love. He is such a man of his word. He said so many times in word and tears that there is no one but me.

Then, I passed him with her. I saw his face, full of that same expression we all might know. Seduction. The full wide eyes. That seductive smile. The body language wide open, showing how his well of need was so very full... .to the tippy tippy top. The idealization gaze. I saw it. I didn't need to see anything more.

I pulled over on the side of the road and literally got sick. I was a million and one miles away mentally. Shocked. It ALL started to come together. Oh, how very hard that day was. The replacement had the same innocent look I had as I rode beside him so often. So unknowing. He took her a place we called ours.  Wow. My heart just shattered right there.

This man I loved. Was a full blown borderline. That's the day I absolutely knew.

When I went back to him in the last recycling prior to all this, I too was vulnerable. He knew it and he knew why.  I said the same that words that you did. I told him that my heart could not go through the risk of him leaving me one more time. I literally pleaded with him to stay apart because my heart just could not do it anymore. Overdrive. He went above, beyond, and then some in pledges of love with words and with actions. He told me and he showed me how wrong I was. He loved me and COULD NOT lose me or be with out me. Never again would be leave me and I had to believe him. I did. That last recycle we grew closer than ever before. Incredibly closer.

The final split black came shortly thereafter. Then as I stated above, I saw him with the replacement a very short time after.

Six months later she, was gone too. This is BPD. And I am so very sorry for your devastation. Please know so many of us truly understand how you are feeling.

[x1985x]

My exBPDgf is on her third replacement in as many months. I honestly feel nothing about it. It's great.

You have to know, not think, but know, it is only temporary. Nothing lasts. The happiness you imagine of them is usually far from the reality. He will replace her as he replaced you, then, he will replace the replacement. Think of it in terms of reality, not fantasy. The reality is that they feel so alone, so weak, that they need others to mirror. They have no real sense of self, they are the company they keep. Literally. It is a sad life to live, truly.

I feel better knowing the depth of my own emotions, knowing that I am in a class beyond hers. She cannot feel the love and joy that I can, also, she cannot bring the love and joy to another that I can. I have fully learned to accept that the next guy isn't getting anything special. They don't become healthier because they are in a new "relationship." In fact, I am of the mind that the more they continue this cycle, the more damage and baggage they bring with them. Knowing what I do about my ex, I actually feel sorry for the next guy, and the next.

I thought of something the other day that really helped me. I thought of my ex as a buffet. Then, I thought about all her past lovers and all her current ones. I realized that the guys now are getting all the cold, yucky parts that nobody else would want, like being last in line at the buffet. It's odd, I know, but it helped me.

You are better than that. You don't need someone like that. You CAN do better and you DESERVE someone who can feel and return feelings on a deep level.

Be strong, for yourself.

[myself]

Emelie x2, here's some more support, and another "I'm in a similar boat". It took many recycles for me to gather myself enough to say I was done, and many months went by with her trying to get me back. I got involved with her again because she promised she would be different, having learned how much it hurt to have lost me. Things were so much better we went ahead with making plans for being married. It was good, it was great, it was... .gone. She made sure to let me know she was intentionally hurting me, that she hadn't been being honest, and disappeared leaving me to blame. She's barely tried again since then, and I've not responded. I don't trust or believe her anymore. She won me back, then lost me.

There have been many days that have seemed like a bad dream. One I kept going because I wasn't done with it. Knowing full well she is likely BPD, but I thought our love would help us beat the odds. It was a dream I wasn't being very realistic about, you know? Since we hang onto these dreams, because we went deep and put our hearts into them, it's more of a struggle to wake up. Our connections end and it's like turning off that power. Everything goes dark. It's very painful. We go through the withdrawals of what was, and slowly move into turning on the light again. Today, for ourselves. It's like a dimmer switch, a little bit more at a time. Keep going and you can see pretty much everything. Including the truth.

Letting go. It's hard. It's scary. It's good for us. We're doing it. Here comes something better.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all so much for your kindness and words of support.  I've been keeping a daily "gratitude" list in my phone.  Trying to focus on the good in my life.  Every day BPDF appears on that list.  These relationships are so incredibly damaging.  To have a supportive place to turn is a gift to all of us.  Thank you.  But ugh... .this sucks.