It's not fair

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So while I had a nervous break down my life has fallen apart I lost 80% of my clientele and there wasn't much I could really do about it.  She gets a sweet job using skills I taught her and a new car and a new apartment has an endless narcissistic supply from multiple sources and it's just not fair.  Everything in her life is going good.  My life has fallen apart

[Blimblam]

So while I had a nervous break down my life has fallen apart I lost 80% of my clientele and there wasn't much I could really do about it.  She gets a sweet job using skills I taught her and a new car and a new apartment has an endless narcissistic supply from multiple sources and it's just not fair.  Everything in her life is going good.  My life has fallen apart

[BacknthSaddle]

My friend, just remember: life is long.  You have learned so much in your time here, so much about yourself.  You will reform and rebuild.  She will always be hanging by a thread, waiting for things to collapse, no matter how good they appear.

I know that you've mentioned your ex was very attractive (like mine), and as a result that narcissistic supply is going to roll in for awhile.  We know: we were more than happy to supply it to these good-looking women, even late in the game against our better judgment.  But those assets will not always be there for your ex.  More than likely, the BPD will be. 

She's inconsequential.  You've got what it takes to rebuild.   Feel what your feeling, let it pass, and keep moving forward. 

[Blimblam]

Thanks backnthesaddle

It is so hard not to feel Schadenfreudhe or at least the desire for it.  I told her she had the the disorder a while back and she agreed and said it fine.  It's like she's accepted her self and set up a system where she has enough attacemts so she never gets bored and only experiences bliss.  And as a result she always gets to stay in the positive and everything is falling into place for her just like the law of attraction she believes in

[MommaBear]

So while I had a nervous break down my life has fallen apart I lost 80% of my clientele and there wasn't much I could really do about it.  She gets a sweet job using skills I taught her and a new car and a new apartment has an endless narcissistic supply from multiple sources and it's just not fair.  Everything in her life is going good.  My life has fallen apart

Wow. What a "See You Next Tuesday" (See urban dictionary if you're not familiar with that one).

Mine's got the house, which I'm stuck paying for. So I cover his bachelor pad while he does his new GF on my very expensive bed.

They are remorseless parasites who are never happy for long. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is ever good enough. Trust me when I tell you that before long, she'll be miserable.

Hang in there   

[AwakenedOne]

It's like she's accepted her self and set up a system where she has enough attachments so she never gets bored and only experiences bliss. 

That describes my ex also. Just think though, what these other people are to her are just her "attachments". Now we can be the boyfriend or husband of someone healthy and not be doomed to the status of just being an "attachment".  Sorry about your dog bro.  I read about that in the other thread. 

[Blimblam]

It's like she's accepted her self and set up a system where she has enough attachments so she never gets bored and only experiences bliss. 

That describes my ex also. Just think though, what these other people are to her are just her "attachments". Now we can be the boyfriend or husband of someone healthy and not be doomed to the status of just being an "attachment".  Sorry about your dog bro.  I read about that in the other thread. 

Idk if it makes it any easier. It's almost like it's bit fair they get all the bennefits. Ugh

[Blimblam]

So while I had a nervous break down my life has fallen apart I lost 80% of my clientele and there wasn't much I could really do about it.  She gets a sweet job using skills I taught her and a new car and a new apartment has an endless narcissistic supply from multiple sources and it's just not fair.  Everything in her life is going good.  My life has fallen apart

Wow. What a "See You Next Tuesday" (See urban dictionary if you're not familiar with that one).

Mine's got the house, which I'm stuck paying for. So I cover his bachelor pad while he does his new GF on my very expensive bed.

They are remorseless parasites who are never happy for long. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is ever good enough. Trust me when I tell you that before long, she'll be miserable.

Hang in there   

Wow that is so rough u pay for the house ugh. I'm so sorry

[Blimblam]

I am angry.  And extremely unhappy. I am still only about 33% able to function without becoming overwhelmed by anxiety. But I am no longer riding the high of the breakthrough. And the financial losses and how much I lost for myself angers me.  I can see now. It's like a woke up from a nightmare  I had no control over and what I lost is extremely upsetting.  I know I'm being redundant and I am battling my own inner critic.  But at the same time the way we define ourselves and self worth through independence and the ideas of successes make it difficult. Like if I just met some people I know they won't understand what I went through and the judgement.  

It's almost as if this has been such a defining experience I'm my life I don't even know what to talk about or how to relate anymore. The only way I can process is to let go of even the idea of success by societal standards even creating a dream of my future.  I know people talk about hope but I don't know how to hope anymore and process all theses emotions at the same time it creates a conflict.  This is so hard to let go of.  Just writing this out made it become clearer and the fear and pain and shame has risen to the surface.  It's so hard to let go of these core beliefs of following dreams and even creating that dream.  All these thing my family and society has told me is important and "what I need to do".  Letting go of Being logical and practical it's terrifying to let go of.  I know everyone I know will not approve

[really]

Hi.  I read your recent posts.  You are not alone.   I could have written those words.   I too have had a breakdown and lost a great deal while my ex just disappeared off to the sunset without a missed step.

I feel your pain.   I can't say that what I am feel is normal.   This whole experience has made me question so much about the world. I doubt I will ever be the same again and I have been through so much before but you are not alone my friend.

[sirius]

Bro Bim, first of all, so sorry for your dog.

Life is never fair... .we should know that by now since we ended up here especially when the SO is BPD. Let me tell you about me and see if you can see the light or the silver lining.

I was out of a 13 year r/s, along the way was all drama and emotional turmoil... .the BPD r/s SOP you get what i mean. The worst part was... .looking back at it now, I was an engineer back then, decent life when i first met her. Then after 3 years, she devalued me and saud the meanest things to me like" you are nothing and blah blah blah". That drove me to set up my own contracting business and turned a $2 company into a $400million corp within 8 months, during the next 3 years of hectic successful(financially) life with her, she was never satisfied, she was having affairs back then while I was busy. A year then, she made me gave up everything to prove that i love her, i sold off everything and gave her all the money and stayed with her by her side while she pursued her law career.

When the money run dry, she was making a good income and kept it for herself while still keeping the other guys along. Now, when the b/u took place, i was shattered 5 months ago.

Broke, no friends, no job, nothing... .i said to my self, life is not fair, it never was.

This place has been great, kept me safe. Attempted suicide and the cartridge in the gun couldn't detonate due to bad primers 3 months back. Getting out of the FOG slowly but surely.

Baaaam! I got a call from my lawyer last week saying that the bank is willing to settle $120mill for the lawsuit i filed 4 years ago. Fingers crossed... .Bim, life is full of suprises with or without BPD. Dont break just yet, get out of the fog first, you will see the light.

[BorisAcusio]

So while I had a nervous break down my life has fallen apart I lost 80% of my clientele and there wasn't much I could really do about it.  She gets a sweet job using skills I taught her and a new car and a new apartment has an endless narcissistic supply from multiple sources and it's just not fair.  Everything in her life is going good.  My life has fallen apart

"Mine" lost her home, her car, the child custody and unemployed for well over a year now. I saw her battling with object consistancy issues when her daughter was not around - out of sight, out of mind, paired with frequent suicide ideation. It was truly frightening.  

You still haven't accepted the extent of their pathology. They may seem happy for a while, immersed in the here and now, but it's shallow and superificial. It's inevitably going to break down, and the cycle starts again without the possibility of real progress.

[sirius]

to add to my above post... .i still get breakdowns, almost daily, teary eyes whenever a song, a place or something pops up reminding me of her. I loved that person to bits even after what she has done to me, while i moved on, i looked back, she did love me tho, wether its real or not, i couldnt tell. I remembered, I have done all i could, i reached out, i did what i can and beyond. Theres nothing more i can do to fix this, i have to look forward now taking a different road.

We remember them, we cherished the r/s, we cared. SH*T happens, its not entirely your fault. I was blaming myself in the begining, losing everything and not having my support system up.

Stay strong, we will make it to the other side

[MommaBear]

So while I had a nervous break down my life has fallen apart I lost 80% of my clientele and there wasn't much I could really do about it.  She gets a sweet job using skills I taught her and a new car and a new apartment has an endless narcissistic supply from multiple sources and it's just not fair.  Everything in her life is going good.  My life has fallen apart

"Mine" lost her home, her car, the child custody and unemployed for well over a year now. I saw her battling with object consistancy issues when her daughter was not around - out of sight, out of mind, paired with frequent suicide ideation. It was truly frightening.  

You still haven't accepted the extent of their pathology. They may seem happy for a while, immersed in the here and now, but it's shallow and superificial. It's inevitably going to break down, and the cycle starts again without the possibility of real progress.

I agree with Boris. You really have to accept the d/o for what it is. I've been reading up on the ways to raise a child with a BPD parent (since, of course, I'm now left to protect my child as best I can from his insanity). I found this quote somewhere (can't recall where, atm), but it refers to pwBPD as "emotional terrorists".

I found it SUCH a fitting description. You can no more expect a decent, human reaction out of them than you can expect a reasonable, level-headed response from a real life terrorist.

This being said, that would make us all "emotional hostages". I've very often found myself telling him that I felt like a hostage in the marriage. One misstep, one slight deviation from perfection, and BAM! Here comes the rage, here comes the belittling and the devaluation. Oh, I had to be the perfect wife at all times, even when he treated me like garbage, I still had to smile and look pretty and clean the house.

And now what? He's living at the gym, finally lost all the weight (I'd begged him for years to take better care of his health), got himself some younger, dumber, more naieve version of myself to fill the void, and gets the ENTIRE HOUSE and EVERYTHING IN IT to himself, while sticking ME with the tab.

So basically he's got wads of cash, a free ride, a replacement wife/slave in the works, and a ripping new body to boot.

But I know underneath it all he's terrified and miserable. Oh, he's revealed all his fears to me over the years, and I KNOW no amount of money, no big house, no big muscles, no fancy car or young, firm, ignorant, sweet thing will EVER fill the void.

He's ruined right down to the core, and all he can ever have is a mask. Some superficial shreds of happiness before the rotting stink of his soul starts to overpower all the pretty flowers in his life and he's back in the nightmare he's created for himself.

I find it no coincidence he abandoned therapy soon after he met this girl.

Poor thing. I wish to God I could warn her, but he's got her convinced I'm the anti-Christ. Maybe one day I'll get a call from her, crying and sobbing like I once did, asking me why and how he can be so horribly cruel for no reason.

I hope for her sake, that day never comes.

My point in all this is, you're right. It's NOT fair. But it's also not REAL. Hang in there. 

[Karmachameleon]

 

I find it no coincidence he abandoned therapy soon after he met this girl.

Poor thing. I wish to God I could warn her, but he's got her convinced I'm the anti-Christ. Maybe one day I'll get a call from her, crying and sobbing like I once did, asking me why and how he can be so horribly cruel for no reason.

I hope for her sake, that day never comes.

My point in all this is, you're right. It's NOT fair. But it's also not REAL. Hang in there.  [/quote]
This exact thing happened to me.  When I got with my ex he quit therapy and quit taking meds cold turkey.  AND his ex tried to contact me and warn me, but he had me convinced she was crazy and evil and I told her off and defended him.    Turns out she's a very sweet person and we have recently become pretty good friends and have talked a lot and shared war stories.  Major validation.  But there is no way to warn a new victim.  I know there is nothing anyone could have said that would have made a difference.  I was driven to be with him.  You're also right that nothing is real even if it looks to be on the outside.  Everyone has to lay in bed at night and look in the mirror in the morning and reflect on themselves at some point. 

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man,

I know it seems unfair.  I've thought (and obsessed) long over this.  It seems like the long-echoed Biblical sentiment that people have expressed over centuries, "Why do the wicked prosper?"

But there are a few things about this... .

1. The people who saw this and lamented this sad truth were the people who saw the truth.  They were not the blind, duped masses.  They were psalmists and the prophets.  They were the people who saw what's really going on.  You see this, and it makes you cry out in injustice, because you no longer live in la-la land.  Part of living in a broken world means that those who see the truth about things carry the burden of it.  You carry the burden of knowing what she's really like, and yet seeing her "succeed" (at least for now.  That's a burden everybody who sees the truth has to carry, but it is worth it.  Seeing is better than being blind.

2. Their "prosperity" is only temporary.  You say "everything in her life is good".  It may look like that, and she probably wants it to seem that way, but I assure you it isn't.  People who have to constantly convince themselves and others that they are happy... .ARENT.  It won't last.  And I'm not even talking about some "final judgment."  I just mean in real life.  Eventually the mask slips and people see it.  It happens.  They can't help it.  In fact, perhaps the best external validation of our story is when they have a long life.  The longer they live and do what they do, the more people get to see what's going on.

3. Let's say God came down and said to you, "Blimblam... .I'll let you trade places with her.  I'll let you live in her fake fantasy where everything is going well for her, and she'll trade with you and have everything fall apart, but here's the catch... .in order for me to swap you both, you need to actually become like her."  What would you say?  You know what you would say... ."Umm.  No thanks.  I would never want to be like that!"  What does it say about a person if they can temporarily stride through crushing others and look like they have it all together, when it is really built on the back of other people's suffering?  It doesn't say anything good... .and you know it.  It is another artifact of life that those of poor character often walk over those of good character.  This tempts those of good character to leave their good character and become like what was done to them.  But you won't.  I know you won't.  So, you'll feel this burden and let it go.  Your good character will grow and, as you heal through this, continue to be a light for others.  What does she really have to offer others that is of legitimate substance?

4. The sooner you can let it go, the sooner you will heal and be standing completely on your own two feet again... .better than you were before.  Wiser, stronger, etc.  Life (people, situations) will knock you down.  It's part of life.  But the more you let go of what she's doing and realize how much you have to live for, how much potential you have to discover and fulfill, the more you will get there.  The more you can focus on that and let go of all the feelings of injustice for how things appear at the moment, the faster you will step out of the swamp and rise up.  Anger is not the problem.  There is reason to be angry.  But you are partly slumping because you *demand* that things be more "just."  Well... .some day they will, but not by your power.  So, as hard as it is, let it go.  Pray for her.  Wish her well.

[Blimblam]

Man thank you all so much!

She triggers me

That's what it comes down to.

Maybe one day she won't trigger me and I look foreward to that day.

[Blimblam]

Now I'm feeling the rage at long last.  There were so many moments I should have gotten pissed off at her and didn't I just got hurt.  After all how could my soulmate do those things.  Now I'm feeling so angry and it feels good.  

That stupid truama bond experience clouded my mind and activated all my hidden fantasies.  The stupid truama bond had me looking back with rose tinted glasses.

A combination of rage and shame.  what the heck was I thinking?  

The distortion of reality the fog  the cptsd, it's hard to believe I lived that.  

This rage makes me feel alive again.  It the first time I have felt sane in a long time.