Sadness and Anger

[Ihope2]

Sadness is the feeling that lingers with me, post BPD relationship break up (divorce).  It has been almost four months since he left, and the divorce was finalised a month ago now.  I feel anger about a lot of things, but they all have to do with my mother, the upbringing we had with her and the way she still is to this very day (70 years of age).  I have a lot of reason to be angry at my exBPDh for all the things that happened in the year we were together, but somehow that anger just keeps jumping straight back to my mother! Some of the anger is also for me. I would say 70% is towards my mother, 30% is towards myself.

It is almost as though I am letting my exPBDh totally off the hook for everything:  for the deception, the manipulation, the trauma he caused me, the life-energy that was drained from me, the money he siphoned off me.

I am angry at my mother, as I feel that she had so much control over how my childhood panned out, and she ___ed it up royally by her selfish choices.

I am angry at myself for not noticing how I was following my repetition compulsions my lifelong, continually shooting myself in the foot and undermining myself in my choice of partners.  I am angry at how easily I was swayed this time, when I am a person who has hardly ever given in to impulse.  I married my exBPDh knowing him all of a month!  Who in their right mind does that?  Where did that level of desperation and loneliness come from?  And here again I feel inclined to blame my mother for all the sh1tty experiences we had to go through in our childhood.

I know that some anger towards my exBPDh would not be so unhealthy, but it is almost as if I feel the need to let him off the hook completely, as what the hell was I thinking, running off with a complete stranger, who turned out to be so badly damaged and troubled by a traumatic childhood of abuse and incest.  

It was as though I was marrying a severely brain-damaged, retarded person and expecting to have intellectually stimulating interaction with him whilst he was lying in a permanent semi-vegetative state.  What was the point of it?

I know I am sounding overbearing, unkind, negative and hypercritical in this posting.  I wish I could work through my anger at my mother.  I know the anger has past its expiration date a long time ago, but it has only now come into my awareness.  My mother would not even begin to understand why and how I could be feeling anger towards her, because I have pretended my whole life long that she is the greatest mom ever.  I even had myself fooled.

Thanks for this opportunity to have a random venting session!

[KeepOnGoing]

Hey there,

I'm no expert, but everything I'm reading, and everything I am being told, is that this whole experience of being involved with someone with BPD (now twice - two separate relationships. No. Three) stems from our core wounds. That's really at the root of all of this. My family of origin wounds are the driving force behind my self esteem, or lack there of, and some of the choices I make. Therefore, as I try to learn and grow, I am confronted with some anger towards my primary caregivers. In reading your post, I was struck with the feeling that it sounds like you are on the path to healing. Congratulations! Hold onto it, explore it, embrace it. That's what I plan to do.

Hang in there.

[Alex86]

Hi hope... .

I feel you very much right now. Today I'm almost angry and triggered by everything. The amount of period is the same like yours, almost four months. I'm angry for how my ex left me out of the blue for the most minor reasons. For the smallest "wrong" thing I said or done. I'm angry for the whole soul mate thing. For all her selfish behavior without regret or taking responsibility.

A few minutes ago I was also angry towards my mother. She knows I'm really worried over something and she tried to bring it up for discussion. That was it. I felt all the abandonment, negative, non sympathetic feeling I felt when I was with my ex and painted me black.

That feeling of no empathy at all. Of not having the capability of understanding my situation. My mother doesn't deserve to see me like this. But I couldn't help it. It was like it was her fault for choosing my ex and the "lonely child" I have become.

At work today my supervisor told me how a nice guy I was. Another trigger for me. I replied: the nice guys don't survive in this world. I would rather not be the nice guy.