How many of us get almost nothing from our partner?

[Ceruleanblue]

I have come to realize that other than financially, I am getting ZERO from uBPDh. No empathy, no understanding, he can't/won't communicate, and he basically feels like an emotional zombie. He expects a lot from me, as my Mom pointed out today, but he refuses to compromise or bend at all in any way. My Mom thinks he has "mental issues", which to me, pretty much describes BPD. Lets face it, when it is running rampant, and the person with BPD is doing nothing to stop it, it can be very scary and hellish to be around. My family, and I, want our marriage to work, but it's actually uBPDh who seems to be the one thinking of leaving. Which in light of all I've endured and put up with, is just amazing to me.

hBPDh said it would "prove I was trying" with his grown daughter if I attended therapy with her. I did, for the sake of my husband, and our marriage. I went, his daughter was horrible to me, and now my husband is saying my going was "not enough" and that my complaints after(who wouldn't complain after how she treated me... .the therapist even later told my husband that his daughter acted "badly" to me at the session), have put me back to square one on "trying". So once again, he lured me into doing what he wanted/needed, with false promises, only to later tell me it meant nothing. I am upset that I put myself through that, and for what? Nothing I do is ever enough to prove I am trying. I'm trying with a girl I don't even want to try with in light of her mean behaviors towards me, yet I am trying. My husband's therapist tells him I am trying, yet he won't believe it.

I am getting nothing emotionally from my husband, but I read on here that lots of people with BPD are able to sometimes connect. I'm not getting that from mine. I'm beginning to wonder if he may have antisocial personality disorder, because he seems to lack all empathy where I'm concerned. Do people with BPD lack empathy? He seems to fit the BPD profile, and DSM to a "t", but my T suggested that he sounds like he may have antisocial personality disorder. I'd always just thought he had BPD, and also strong NPD traits, but now I'm wondering, and I'm scared.

Does anyone else get so very little from their partner with BPD? How do you learn to live with living with someone who takes, but never gives back? It's hard because I just naturally want to talk to him, and I just can't. Not even about simple things.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Ceruleanblue... .I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles with your Husband; it's really hard to keep trying and keep loving someone who isn't treating us well and refuses to communicate with us. I'm wondering if you've had the chance to read any of the links to the right-hand side of this page? Starting at the top of the links and working your way down, have you had the chance to check them out and try to apply the communication tools & techniques? If so, what happens when you change the way you interact with your Husband, using validation, S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and Radical Acceptance, instead of what hasn't been working for so long?

It sounds like a very lonely relationship for you, and I know that I've felt that way also, during the times I've had to deal with my Husband's silent treatments... .Luckily, I found this site and learned the tools & techniques mentioned above, and things have gotten so much better that at times--when he starts to brood and I see echoes of past BPD behaviors coming on--I get very startled that I have to use what I've learned in a very focused way. But it always helps to defuse the situation and things really are happier in our house. Can you tell us which tools you've tried, and what happened? Maybe we can help you turn things around... .

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, so far I've tried to radically just accept that this is what he is, and that only he can change his behaviors. My acceptance seems to have earned me worse, more amped up behaviors though? It's almost as if he is dying to get a response from me. If I don't react, or don't get hurt, he gets worse, says something worse, tries to push me away.

I've withdrawn at times, simply to protect myself, but he hates that too. I try to walk away if things escalate, but that is a hard one for me. I always think that something I say, or by defending myself against his crazy accusations, that I'll get through to him. I realize now, that I never do.

I have tried S. E. T., but it hasn't made a difference. He just seems to take it as me accepting it. He takes it as his due that I just take whatever treatment he dishes out, or worse, his kids dish out. He gets total acceptance, and me doing, working on modifying myself to suit his anger, and needs, but he refuses to do ANYTHING for me. He even has told me that he doesn't want to hear about my feelings or opinions. How do you deal with someone that narcissistic? In some ways he feels like an emotional parasite.

I'm open to trying anything new. Or trying the things I've already tried, in a different way. Maybe I did them wrong. I'm just so baffled and hurt by none of my efforts making any difference.

[formflier]

I have tried S. E. T., but it hasn't made a difference. He just seems to take it as me accepting it. He takes it as his due that I just take whatever treatment he dishes out, or worse, his kids dish out. He gets total acceptance, and me doing, working on modifying myself to suit his anger, and needs, but he refuses to do ANYTHING for me. He even has told me that he doesn't want to hear about my feelings or opinions. How do you deal with someone that narcissistic? In some ways hefeels like an emotional parasite.

Hey... .hang in there!    

I agree with Rapt Reader... .it sounds lonely for you.  Also sounds like you are trying some of the tools... .and dare I say... .you are not impressed with the results?  Do I have this right?

Can I ask you to take an example or two of where you tried to SET... .and make a really detailed post about it?  Don't worry about it getting long...

Please try to point out what you think is the S part... .the E part... .and the T part.  Then describe reaction to this as best you can... .and your reaction to that... .and so on.

A quick personal story:  I found boundaries a bit easier to use that SET.  My normal style is T... .and maybe I get around to SE.  So... .when I try SET... .I totally feel like a goofball.  I also wonder if my wife thinks I'm a faker... .because it feels contrived.

I'm better at it... but still have a long way to go.

My hope is that the perspective of someone like me... .that is in the middle of trying to get SET... .and some more senior types that are much more comfortable with SET... .will be able to help get this tool working better for you.

Again... hang in there!     I'm glad you are here... .this sounds like something we can give you some effective guidance on.

[bobcat2014]

Well, so far I've tried to radically just accept that this is what he is, and that only he can change his behaviors. My acceptance seems to have earned me worse, more amped up behaviors though? It's almost as if he is dying to get a response from me. If I don't react, or don't get hurt, he gets worse, says something worse, tries to push me away.

I've withdrawn at times, simply to protect myself, but he hates that too. I try to walk away if things escalate, but that is a hard one for me. I always think that something I say, or by defending myself against his crazy accusations, that I'll get through to him. I realize now, that I never do.

I have tried S. E. T., but it hasn't made a difference. He just seems to take it as me accepting it. He takes it as his due that I just take whatever treatment he dishes out, or worse, his kids dish out. He gets total acceptance, and me doing, working on modifying myself to suit his anger, and needs, but he refuses to do ANYTHING for me. He even has told me that he doesn't want to hear about my feelings or opinions. How do you deal with someone that narcissistic? In some ways he feels like an emotional parasite.


I'm open to trying anything new. Or trying the things I've already tried, in a different way. Maybe I did them wrong. I'm just so baffled and hurt by none of my efforts making any difference.

Blue,

I would like to comment on you post as it hits home in so many different ways. I have been married 20 years to uBPDw who had several issues over the years. She has been to T both together with me and alone. Zoloft, prozac you name it. The only thing that kept us going was giving in and attempting to fill that empty hole. I really thought it was me for all these years. With that said, I only learned what borderline was 3 months ago. In that time I became obsessed with learning the language and some areas have improved. You have to be a parent, counselor and spouse with little in return. I know this now. Validation seems to be the best bang for the buck, at least for me.

Hang in there. If these folks get help with core trauma they can improve.