A moment of confrontation

[Surnia]

Today I was in a public transport vehicle and a woman came in sitting on the seat next to me. I watched her shortly, was deep in my thoughts and not very well (beginning sinusitis). The only thing I realized she had lavender nails, interesting I thought.

Just when I was wondering which station I should leave, this one or the next, she was speaking to me in a not loud and very minacious voice, I should immediately stop watching her so stupid or something like this. (typically, I can't remember exactly. too much emotions.) I was really shocked, my first thought was "I didn't watch her, I watched the station coming". I started my JADE sentence with "I" and stopped there - it was not forbidden to watch somebody and she wouldn't believe my version anyway.

I than decided to leave the streetcar and I wished her a nice day which she ignored. 

Wow. I was standing on the street with really a lot of adrenalin and a lot of memories. How strong it is for me when someone speaks in a way she did - just pretending something and with her voice's dramaturge.

Its the second time in the last six weeks or so that I am under attack like this. As a people pleaser I am really challenged through this. 

My first reaction is: I did nothing wrong. (Jade)

My second: Did I something wrong?

My third: Perhaps she didn't meant it to be so aggressiv.

Gosh, I am not pleased about the whole right and wrong thing. I have a deep yearning to leave this a bit behind me. Many things are not about right or wrong - its about different perceptions.

The third isn't better, its downplaying my first emotion.

I spent some more minutes to think about different ways to deal with it. My leaving was not the badest option, a bit too fast.

Asking her to stop such nonsense talk. (fighting back   )

Could you say this again please?

Do I get this right, you think I was watching you?

I am going to leave anyway.

I can take another seat, no problem.

What would you do?

[Ihope2]

Dear Surnia

It sounds like you had a moment of  abreaction.  Her accusation and tone gave you a type of a "flashback" to some time in the past when someone else would criticise and talk to you like this.  It immediately makes us go back to those emotions that used to be called up in us, for eg, as a child when a particular teacher used to mock us, or a parent used to belittle us.  Something that used to confuse us and make us feel bad.

I get these moments when people talk to me as if I don't know what I am doing.  I am nearly 45 years of age, but I am told I look younger and I know I also do not act with the level of confidence that you may expect of a 45 year old woman.  So I sometimes get people talking down to me.  The best example that I had recently, was when I went for a jog after work, and it was already getting a bit dark (it gets dark earlier in winter here).  Some random man, who could easily have been some years younger than me, saw me jog by and said in a very condescending tone "And what are you doing running around in the dark? Hmmm?".  I was absolutely at a loss for words to answer this guy. I felt angry and affronted and irritated and I just wanted to lash out with a reply like "Who are you? Do I even know you?  What business do you have commenting about me like that?".  But, I just stared at him as I carried on running past, and in the end I was just struggling with this abreaction response within me, because I realised that it transported me back to my childhood years when my stepfather used to mock me and make me feel stupid about something I had done.

I would say, the best thing is just to take this non-engaging stance with such a person.  Just quietly observe one's own feelings and do not act rashly.  I think the response that you did give her, was the best one. Wishing her a nice day as you make your exit.

Did this woman and her accusation make you feel like you were transported back in time to a threatening situation in your younger years?

[Surnia]

Hi Ihope


thank you for your reply and yes, it was a flashback, more to my now ended marriage than back to childhood.

What is important for me to realize, there is more than a trigger or flashback from the past, the moment itself brings me some uncomfortable feeling.

Just quietly observe one's own feelings and do not act rashly.

Yes, absolutely. couldn't word it better. 

I noticed my own feelings and looked to some of the other passengers too who are looking at me... .

[Turkish]

Hi Ihope


thank you for your reply and yes, it was a flashback, more to my now ended marriage than back to childhood.

What is important for me to realize, there is more than a trigger or flashback from the past, the moment itself brings me some uncomfortable feeling.

Just quietly observe one's own feelings and do not act rashly.

Yes, absolutely. couldn't word it better. 

I noticed my own feelings and looked to some of the other passengers too who are looking at me... .

They may have been sympathizing over your plight of being attacked. It's good that you recognized your reaction and your feelings being triggered.

As for the incident, I don't think JADE necessarily can apply to a complete stranger who sounds flat out rude to begin with. It's good, however, to avoid conflict in a public place, and sometimes that's all we can do.

An old boss used to have a method with unruly people (she was the manager/owner at the small restaurant in which I worked 25 years ago). It would be "killing them with kindness." She would respond to such situations by being gushingly nice. I don't know if that is exactly a functional thing to do, but I saw it certainly disarm and confuse people on more than one occasion. People expect a certain reaction due to the pattern of how they interact with people. It sounds like it may be hard for you to alter the pattern though.

If you'll permit a personal anecdote:

I used to live in a really bad town over 20 years ago. I was at a fast food place, and the guy behind the counter looked like he was a tough guy, maybe even got out of a gang and was trying to make a better life. I could tell he was uncomfortable in his role. I must have mumbled something ordering my tacos, because he stopped, gave me a really serious, almost hateful look, and said, "what'd you say?" I froze inside and thought, "oh no, this guy is going to jump over the counter and stab me." I'm not a guy who's afraid of people (I used to walk those same streets at night a mile home from the college, and on walkabouts), but my internal ":)anger Will Robinson!" klaxon started going off. I paused, looked at him like nothing was amiss, and repeated my order more clearly, adding a smile. He relaxed slightly, and looked at me under hooded eyes as he gave me my change. His demeanor was baiting, which is probably how he survived on the street, and I didn't engage in the game.

[Surnia]

The thing of your boss, I really would like to give it a try one day.

And your personal anecdote is great. 

Beside once again I enjoy your writing style, its a great story. The moment of pause and than a new way with a smile, and you are the "owner" over the moment, not just reacting.

Thank you, Turkish!