How can I regain my last friendship?

[Tabitha247]

Please tell me if you have any suggestions on how to put the pieces back together again. We have only one set of friends left now (as a couple). These are easy going people who are tolerant of the various situations and it makes me feel so good to be with other adults as a couple (quite a rare occasion).

Today I think it may all have been blown out of the water.  My uBPD made a phone call to the friends whilst I was out at work,  and relayed to them that he was very upset by their behaviour. I'm sure at this stage they had no idea what they had done.  I can imagine the type of conversation where he has gone on and on and on.

  The cause of the upset was his hurt stemming back from 5 years or more when they failed to respond to an invitation to join us for something.  I didn't realize what it had triggered at the time, but these feelings are now blowing up out of all proportion and forming part of the daily rumination ritual.  The friends are now 'bad' in his mind where as before they were 'good'.   (My brother turned into 'the devil' in his mind 30 years ago when he failed to respond to an invitation and my uBPD has never been able to get over it, and this incident is frequently  part of the daily rumination ritual.  I know that the causes seem fairly trivial but I'm sure you will understand that the consequences are not. 

We went out as a couple with the above friends a month ago and my uBPD picked up that he had upset my friend  (I didn't notice that she was miffed,  but perhaps BPD's can be more sensitive sometimes to others reactions.)  He was so concerned the next day that he tried all day to phone my friend and find out why he had upset her.  She (wisely) didn't answer the phone, so he pressed me to ask her what had upset her.

When I asked her if she had been upset,  she explained that she was upset because my uBPD was being so rude to me. She told me that she thought he had said 'do you want to see the morning?'

  My uBPD put me under immense pressure to relay the reason for my friends upset and when I told him,  of course he didn't like it.  (I wasn't a member of BPD Family then - so perhaps I should not have relayed the truth).

I'm really confused as I need to know - would it have been better if I had lied about the reason.  Do I have to lie about many to avoid upsetting my uBPD?

I'm also really upset as I think my friends may be fed up of dealing with these situations, they have their own problems with parents ill health and lots of other friends.

How should I deal with my friends?

What should I say when uBPD asks questions where a truthful answer will spark off upset?

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[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Tabitha247... .

Have things changed at all in this situation? Is your Husband still angry at your friend for her feelings about your relationship with him? There's a good chance that your friends are fed up with his behavior and wanted to distance themselves from it, and your friendship with them could be collateral damage, unfortunately.

I have a cousin that I was very close to during my whole childhood and teenage years, until her eventual Husband got her pregnant on purpose (he even bragged about it!) so she wouldn't leave him and would be obligated to marry him (and that's what happened in those "olden days" when she and I were in our late teens). I clearly remember her a couple of months pregnant at 17 or 18, saying that "I made my bed, now I have to lie in it... ." when I begged her not to marry this man who--I know now--was clearly BPD or even Sociopathic or Narcissistic: controlling, angry, hateful and cruel to not only her, but almost everyone he came across.

Anyhow, because of him my own eventual Husband and I had to disassociate ourselves from them when I had my own first child and her Husband practically tortured him (he was only 1 year old!) one day when we were there for a visit. We couldn't believe that his cruelty would include making fun of a 1 year-old if he fell down while clumsily walking, sucked his thumb, got tired and cranky and wanted me to hold him. Miserable fellow, and I was pregnant with my 2nd at the time and made the motherly decision to not let either of my kids ever have to deal with this guy again. My relationship with my favorite cousin was relegated to sporadic phone calls, cards and letters, and then emails when that technology came about (we stopped visiting them--except for family reunions here and there--in 1979!).

How should you deal with your friends? Well, I did have that conversation with my cousin in 1979 letting her know the reasons I couldn't come over, or have them over to our house, any more. As a Mom herself, she totally understood and there were no hard feelings. Should you tell your husband the truth of things when something sticky like this happens? Well, there is always a larger truth that is not a lie, and won't cause a meltdown possibly. I don't know your Husband, so I can't predict if something like: "Well, she was feeling protective of me during that dinner, and as my friend she doesn't like to see me feeling hurt or sad... ."

And for curiosity's sake, did your husband say ":)o you want to see the morning?" Or something like that? If what he said was innocent and not abusive or threatening to you, you could let your friend know that and maybe she'd be less inclined to disassociate with your Husband. If not, and the atmosphere and comment he made was hurtful and scary, well... .