Dealing with Skeptics

[kookaburra13]

Hello all!

I just wanted to know about your experiences with skeptics when it comes to BPD.  I know I am not a therapist, but I have read books, talked to my counselor, and have also been on this message board, and the striking similarity is too much to be a coincidence.  I am now opening up to my father and other family members about my uBPD mother.  Many of them are very skeptical about BPD.  How do you handle this?  What do you do or say?  Are there any methods you found to help them understand your perspective?  Has anyone ever understood or is it best to just not talk to them about it?

Thanks!

[Levi78]

In my limited experience of telling others about BPD, they hear the word "borderline" and assume it's that split personality thing from "Sybil." For me, the most helpful resource is simply directing folks to Wikipedia-- my brother looked it up and said "YEP. That's mom."

Most of my friends just know my mother is mentally ill. I don't bother getting into details if I can avoid it.

[HappyChappy]

Deep denial from my sis. She excepts their behaviour was appalling, she even excepts that my Bro may be one. But she said she find dealing with our childhood too painful, and believes “just getting on with it” works for her. She agrees they act like kids, but wants to believe they don’t mean it. She wants to believe her mom loves her, and so did I before my epiphany. I struggled with this at first, because I need validation. But I got that from this forum.

Never forget that the gas lighting and triangulation a BPD uses, is expertly designed to create mistrust in the family. I’m a very honest and ethical man, so the only times I remember being questioned or accused of lying in my life (when I’m not) have been by my BPD and NPD bro. When I told my friends they believed me without question, but were unsure of what to say or how to help. However the little advise they did give me, turned out to be very good. I would warn against tell friends if you can, it's hardly looks good to share jeens with BPD. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and all that.

What helped me, is to except I can’t change others opinions, and if my sis wants to play happy families, that’s her right. Remember that BPD are expert at propaganda and have a head start on you. So I imagine it would be common that other family members don’t realise at the same time we do. Don’t force it. You could try getting them to watch a movie about a Narcissist (e.g. Scarlet O Hara in gone with the wind) and then show then an article that confirms Scarlet O Hara is considered a Narcissist. Two and a half Men, has an overtly Narcissist mother and a gold child played by the narcissist (allegedly) Charlie Sheen.  

[healinghome]

my experience of telling my family involved them dismissing my opinion, alienating me and re-grouping to come to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me and I was the problem!  uBPDm has even said to me that she feels the problem in her life is me.  how I think she came to that conclusion was that it was me who pointed out that her behaviour was abusive and destructive. she was happy in her denial and destroying lives.  following that she ignored the fact that I mentioned it and acted as though it didn't happen.  denial.

my uBPDsis stopped phoning altogether (which although I miss her... .she was a BPD drama nightmare) weirdly enough though, uBPDsis could see there was something wrong with uBPDm... .but called it bi-polar.

I told a therapist about it, but she didn't specialise in BPD so when I mentioned it she told me to 'stay away from the computer'!  (the same computer that threw me a life line when I thought I was going to lose my mind from the disorientation of dealing with too many BPDs!)  needless to say... .I didn't go back to her.  I think most people are totally unaware of personality disorders, we only need to look at our culture and how celeb's are admired, when to me they look like they have histrionic personality disorder.

the denial is very deep with BPD.  its like a built in defensive behaviour protecting itself and they can often will go on the attack or walk away completely to protect their 'reality'. 

[claudiaduffy]

I told a therapist about it, but she didn't specialise in BPD so when I mentioned it she told me to 'stay away from the computer'! 

Have mercy. That's awful. So glad you had enough sense to walk away from that!

[Linda Maria]

hi there!  I think you just have to accept that some people are sceptical.  My experience is mainly around people outside the situation not understanding.  My uBPD sister has told some terrible stories about me to close family friends, and while I think they can see there is something wrong, they are in a difficult position - they want to support both of us, and not take sides.  And that's fine, because them taking sides doesn't help - even if they took my side and agreed that the problem is with my sister.  It wouldn't change anything or help me.  I know there is something very wrong with her, and it manifests itself in lies, accusations and horrible stories designed to blacken my name and turn people against me.  So I am NC as much as possible, and I have to accept that some people will be sceptical and think that some of it is true, and some of it must be my fault.  So I don't see those people so much now, and when I do, I try not to discuss it, I don't want to hear about her, because I will only have to say to them that it's all lies, which makes them feel uncomfortable.  And that's the price I pay for staying largely free of the madness in my day to day life, for keeping my kids away from it, and for getting on with my life.  If I can ever think of a way I can help her that doesn't involve being attacked myself then I will do it, and I don't wish her any ill, but I didn't create this, I don't deserve it, and I'm not going to spoil my life over it.  It is what it is.  I just count the blessings I do have.  Best wishes  JB

[free-n-clear]

The denial is very deep with BPD. It's like a built-in defensive behaviour protecting itself.

  The Disorder exists in order to deny the existence of the Disorder.

[kookaburra13]

  The Disorder exists in order to deny the existence of the Disorder.[/quote]
[/quote]
That is deep! 

Thank you all for your input.  I guess I am also afraid of what happened to daisy4 happening to me, which is a possible reality of this situation.

[free-n-clear]

   Didn't mean to sound glib, kookaburra13; though in hindsight I can see that it does look that way. Sorry. The denial of the existence of a problem by pwBPD and the scepticism of others to the cause of the problem is a major obstacle to be overcome, not only in individual and intra-family people-to-people matters, but in the broader sense of better awareness among health and social workers, the legal system and Police officers, just to name a few. I personally have never mentioned my xgf's uBPD outside of this forum, so I can't offer any experience from that angle. My family never liked her, but they just thought she was a bit<h. I never saw the point in telling them "no, it's even worse than that, she's got Borderline Personality Disorder".   

[healinghome]

Thank you all for your input.  I guess I am also afraid of what happened to daisy4 happening to me, which is a possible reality of this situation.

I understand your fear and you have to do what is right for you.  what I have been through has been hard,  but there have been many gifts in it.  I had to face reality.  BPD's were disorientating me and preventing me from getting my own life together.  the psychosis episodes in BPD were the hardest and most upsetting to endure, it felt a lot like gaslighting (which is also a BPD behaviour).

now i am much stronger and becoming quite comfortable and happy myself, and although i have compassion for those with pd's, i don't invite them into my personal life and don't wish to be in theirs. boundries.  it also made me realize that relationships are 50/50 and not 100% from me and 0% from others which left me drained.  its been a long and often tough journey, but it was harder for me going along with their denial, i felt by going along with it i was sacrificing my own sanity and stability.  when its all you've ever known, stepping away from it is scary.  it's the big unknown, and as i lost most of my foo... .i also lost the drama, labels they gave me and instability... .and i found myself