Inside their mind over time...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm curious to hear what others think about what's going on inside their head in the rare times when the noise of the world is gone and it's just them. Do they think about their past/present/future the way we do or do they live only moment by moment? Do they think about us in any context at all? "He was a good man. He was a bad man. That was a thoughtful gift. That was kind of him to do this. I hate him." Do they actively plan their next encounter or conversation with you? Do they actively plan revenge if they feel you've wronged them? Do they ever let you go completely, where 40 years could pass by and you never hear from them or see them at all?

From everything I've read there seem to be many different manifestations of BPD. Some of them seem like stalkers that never let go but they don't actively come back to a relationship either. They just observe you at a distance as if studying you and the impact their abandonment has had on you. Others seem caught in an endless recycle with their partners. Others are walkers - they go and they never come back, showing complete indifference. Others are guilt ridden and full of shame, probably living in a world terrified by the intensity of their own emotions - they'd want to come back but they're afraid of us, like children afraid if their parents.

I think of my ex every day. I think of my past relationship before this one less frequently but I do still reminisce on the good times on occasion.

My therapist tries to assure me that she never thinks of me and if she does, it's not the same way I think of her. I'm so far removed from her mind that I may as well not exist. But in my heart that doesn't feel accurate.

[LostGhost]

I'm curious to hear what others think about what's going on inside their head in the rare times when the noise of the world is gone and it's just them. Do they think about their past/present/future the way we do or do they live only moment by moment? Do they think about us in any context at all? "He was a good man. He was a bad man. That was a thoughtful gift. That was kind of him to do this. I hate him." Do they actively plan their next encounter or conversation with you? Do they actively plan revenge if they feel you've wronged them? Do they ever let you go completely, where 40 years could pass by and you never hear from them or see them at all?

From everything I've read there seem to be many different manifestations of BPD. Some of them seem like stalkers that never let go but they don't actively come back to a relationship either. They just observe you at a distance as if studying you and the impact their abandonment has had on you. Others seem caught in an endless recycle with their partners. Others are walkers - they go and they never come back, showing complete indifference. Others are guilt ridden and full of shame, probably living in a world terrified by the intensity of their own emotions - they'd want to come back but they're afraid of us, like children afraid if their parents.

I think of my ex every day. I think of my past relationship before this one less frequently but I do still reminisce on the good times on occasion.

My therapist tries to assure me that she never thinks of me and if she does, it's not the same way I think of her. I'm so far removed from her mind that I may as well not exist. But in my heart that doesn't feel accurate.

[letmeout]

You pose some very interesting questions.

Mine is still on a smear campaign long after the divorce with no contact started. I can only think that my ex must be stuck in some kind of time warp where he can't release the past. Or maybe his shame and guilty feelings won't let it rest.

I hope some day there will be better treatment of personality disorders.

[LostGhost]

It turns out I was wrong about there not being a smear campaign on me. I've now had some coworkers confirm that she's told people I was a prison warden that kept her locked up and wouldn't let her do any of her hobbies. I have to

scratch my head at that one. I have proof on my phone of lengthy text exchanges where I'm encouraging her to do this hobby or that activity, including offering to involve her in my own like painting, biking, yoga etc. nothing but support on my end and excuses of why she can't or won't do something on her end. But apparently I'm controlling and abusive.

It's like she pulled something out of a hat in order to deflect the barrage of "Why did you leave him, I thought everything was perfect?" type questions she's been getting. I felt bad originally but after hearing about this I'm disappointed. And what is the solution? Pull out the texts and paste them all over to prove to people she's deceiving them? Or just let it be and have people walk around thinking I'm an abusive man and she's a victim?

I don't want to instigate a war. It was my hope to recycle or reconcile something like a friendship. I'm not even angry, just disappointed. I can clearly see it's just a defence mechanism and she used it to stop the interrogations of nosy coworkers.

[Vexed]

Well my exBPDgf has never said one good thing about any of her exes, she sees her one night stands as upstanding individuals tho.  Her technique has always been to abolish them from her life cutting all contact but spying on them via dba, etc. 

I have been the exception thus far where she keeps me around for attention juking me with t h e idea of a recycle but never following through.  I notice that they change over time and BPD traits she didn't v show in the past or traits she showed in one way have changed to another ie) cutting herself has stopped but now she has began sleeping with a different guy weekly, which was never her m.o.

[imstronghere2]

I don't think you can fit them all into the same category here.  I was my exwBPD's 2nd husband.  I can tell you how she thought of her 1st husband - not at all.  Nothing.  And that's how I think she thinks of me now.  Nothing.  Out of sight, out of mind.  A harsh reality I had to come to terms with after a 22 year relationship, 19 of those married but it's the truth.  She's on to her 3rd husband now.

I no longer fill any need for her and therefore I'm of no use and there's no point in thinking about me.

Until possibly she believes I might be useful sometime in the future.  But it will only be to fill some need she has for herself and nothing more.

At that time, with any luck, she won't be able to find me.   

[LostGhost]

It's the hardest concept to accept... .out of sight out of mind. I couldn't imagine living like that. Wake up and nobody really matters until I physically encounter them again and remember "Oh yeah, that's my dad/wife/friend/coworker".

I am still in her life at least peripherally since we work together, so we are in limited contact. I like to believe the fantasy that she thinks of me a little since I'm still "around". Since she's with her old/new guy now though... .I doubt she thinks of me or our relationship very often. Very painful is how I describe that. I don't know if there's anything more heart wrenching than to be wiped from existence in the mind of someone you loved so intimately.

[martymcfly5]

It's the hardest concept to accept... .out of sight out of mind. I couldn't imagine living like that. Wake up and nobody really matters until I physically encounter them again and remember "Oh yeah, that's my dad/wife/friend/coworker".

A two year old toddler experiences this disassociation daily. Somewhere in my year long journey of being with a pwBPD (r/s having ended a month ago), I've come to know that they behave like 2 year olds.

So one day, I googled "the mind of a 2 year old" and what I found was unbelievably on point with a BPD (tone, tenor, demand, distractions within their own minds)... .Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.

    I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.

    I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.

    GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!

    I wanna open and close the thermostat.

    I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.

    Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?

    I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.

    I wanna pick up the cat by its head.

    I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.

    HOLY ___ I’M STARVING.

    CHEDDAR BUNNIES.

    I HATE FRUIT.

    I want out of my chair.

    I wanna play with the iPad.

    I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.

    I wanna take my pants off.

    I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.

    I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.

    I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.

    I’m thirsty.

    No, not for that.

    Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.

    Where’s Daddy?

    Where’s the cat?

    Where’s Mommy?

    SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY?

    Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.

    Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone.

    Hungry again. Never mind.

    I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.

    STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!

    Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.

    Finally, peas. I like throwing these.

    WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?

    Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.

    I’m tired.

    I’M NOT TIRED!

    I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.

    No, not inside either!

    I need to push some buttons right now.

    I hate this diaper.

    My eyes itch.

    WOW! Is this my toe?

    STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!

    I hate these pants.

    This shirt itches.

    I’m tired.

    Stop asking me if I’m tired.

    Where’s that toy that goes beep?

    I wanna take a bath in my clothes.

    Put on my favorite song.

    Where’s the cat?

    What is UP with my shirt?

    Did I just hear a dog bark?

    YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!

    I wanna see a dog.

    No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.

    Is my penis still there? Good.

    I peed.

    I’m bored.

    Repeat

[Should I stay or...]

hey lost ghost,

Checking in to see how you're doing... .I'll give you an update on my life as soon as I know how this weekend plays out... .rocky recently. Still afloat though, had to turn on the bilge pump, was taken on too much water.

martymcfly5... .you just wrote a children's, fun for adult's too book... .I'll illustrate, seriously... .love it, very funny!

[LostGhost]

Hey Should I, hope all is going well for you under the circumstances! I'll send you a private message later tonight... .I wanted to ask your advice on something before I go ahead with it. Looking forward to hearing about your update also!

[LostGhost]

Martymcfly,

Is that really how BPD minds work? It's exhausting  and very random. Just total chaos. That would imply there really is no planning or method to them, they just act on impulse alone and nothing else?

[Caredverymuch]

I don't think you can fit them all into the same category here.  I was my exwBPD's 2nd husband.  I can tell you how she thought of her 1st husband - not at all.  Nothing.  And that's how I think she thinks of me now.  Nothing.  Out of sight, out of mind.  A harsh reality I had to come to terms with after a 22 year relationship, 19 of those married but it's the truth.  She's on to her 3rd husband now.

I no longer fill any need for her and therefore I'm of no use and there's no point in thinking about me.

Until possibly she believes I might be useful sometime in the future.  But it will only be to fill some need she has for herself and nothing more.

At that time, with any luck, she won't be able to find me.   

This is likely the most heartbreaking aspect of being in a r/s with a pBPD. Especially after they abandon you and you really never fully recover from missing someone so very valued and loved.

I can attest that I absolutely recognize this to be true looking back.  When I was with my ex pBPD I often bought up special relatives he'd mentioned were particularly good to him in his younger years.  They sounded quite loving.  One even providing him with a home for a brief time.  This person lived  short distance from my ex. I asked him why he never, ever saw or remained in contact with her.  His blood relative.   He looked bewildered as to why that was even realistic. 

His then partner whom he was very recently separated from and their child left town.  I thought this would break his heart as it would mine if I could not see my child.  I dont appear to guess what his internal thoughts were at that time but he surely did not seem to miss them.  When I would ask if he missed them he would very unemotional almost pleasantly saw no.  Again, as if that were an odd question.  He rarely talked about his child.  When I would ask questions about his child, or even his parents living in another state, he would stare off to the distance as if trying very hard to remember  these  people.  But when he was actually with them, he was almost chained to them.

It was uncanny.  Out of sight literally over night became out of mind.  He was a very empty lonely person when alone though.  Almost frantic.  Could not be alone.  He didn't seem to miss "people."  He did not have really any reaction when speaking of them.  Just seemed undone with no one around to keep him in check or to tell him what to do.  Why I think he returned to his ex. 

It hurts my heart immensely to not only  wonder but to assuredly know he does not think about or more likely even remember  me after all we shared and how deeply I loved him.

[Should I stay or...]

Ok lost ghost... .please do