HELP BPD mil threatening suicide- What should be done?

[flower211]

My SIL has become more aware of my mil's unhealthy emotional attatchment style and the constant negativity is bringing her own life down. She told our mil (who I am currently Low Contact with) that she needs space and to focus on her 3 young children.

Now SIL is very upset and tears calling me asking what to do after receiving this email in her inbox from BPD MIL:

"its very important that i tell you something. And you need to keep it between us.  But this episode has caused a flair up of depression.  I have problems in my mind. Im so close at times to just go to sleep. Im having a lot of trouble focusing.  I dont know whats wrong with me and i dont know how to fix it.  When i get this low it gets dangerous. I quit eating and i go to bed all day.  I have a mental problem and i have had it forever. My dad broke me and im still broken.  My family has never supported me thru this. Instead all they have ever done is make it worse by yelling at me and telling me im selfish and criticize me. I have never had any one that was supportive.  Telling me im crazy. I have battled this all my life. And the other nite i came very close.  I cant do this alone anymore.  I dont know how long i can do this by myself.  Im trying so hard to try one day at a time.  But i need you to help make it thru a day. Im sorry u think i dont love your kids but im really messed up. Please help me instead of being a cause. Just forgive me. Let me be me without pressure. Be there for me.  Give me time to adjust to the kids. With no pressure. Please dont treat me like (other DIL) and the rest of the family.  I need just one person to help me or i will keep sinking in the abyss.   I will never survive alone."

(Mil shows favoritism and treats SIL kids all good or all bad, splitting them. SIL expressed her concern and need for all her kids to be loved equally- BPD mil can't)

So: My advice is to call the police, show them the email, and put her on a 24 hr suicide watch. I don't believe for a minute she actually intended to kill herself. I believe this is another plow for control and attention. And if she DOES kill herself, I explained to SIL IT IS NOT OUT FAULT, but her CHOICE.

Suggestions, please!

[flower211]

Ploy (not *plow*)

Not *our* fault (not "out"

Sorry for the typos I'm on my phone

TIA

[MammaMia]

Flower

This sounds like an opportunity for help.  Will she accept it?  Strike while she is in crisis.  Your SIL must initiate things.  If your MIL hears she shared the info, she will most likely retreat and refuse any attempts to help her. 

Has she done this before?  I have been through this with my BPDs and it is heartbreaking. You are correct when you say it is their decision, and if they choose to die, they will find a way.   

I am so sorry you are going through this. 

[flower211]

Ok now mil emailed back saying shes fine and the email was "no big deal" and "can't (sil) come over now?" And be there for her.

I am SO FREAKING fed up with these manipulatuve games! Its heart breaking, manipulatuve, and EVIL.

SIL needs to draw boundaries. I told her to be clear and concise when she commumicates that, if mil suggests suicide again, she WILL call the police.

this HAS to stop!

[P.F.Change]

This sounds like a tough situation for everyone, flower211. It is hard for your MIL to feel the way she feels. It is hard for your SIL to be put in a situation where someone expects her to feel responsible for their life or death. And it is also hard for you to be put in a position to hear about it and be asked to decide what to do.

Does your SIL have a therapist she can call for professional advice? It can also be helpful to contact a local suicide prevention hotline for support at times like this. They know the local laws and resources available. You might also find some helpful information here: TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Wishing you peace,

PF

[claudiaduffy]

I can't recommend strongly enough calling the police the instant one gets an email like this, or a phone call like it. Every time you get one. Get her into the local law enforcement/mental health system as a person who threatens this. If it's an actual plan she has, it will get her help. If it's her manipulating, it starts getting her the consequences of her actions. I'd heartily encourage your SIL to not cave on this but get professionals involved immediately, even with the "I didn't mean it" email.

My MIL had threatened my husband with suicide multiple times before he married me. The first time she tried it - sob emails to both of us because we hadn't responded to her hysteric calls that she missed us and needed to see us (we had seen her three days before) - I encouraged him to call the police. She was not pleased, but ended up trying to play it by getting us to take her to the hospital to submit herself for depression, very obviously enjoying being the negative center of attention if she couldn't be the positive center of attention. The game collapsed on her when she found that she'd admitted herself to a place that only allowed an hour visitation twice a week and had actual professionals who wouldn't let her get away with verbally abusing us when we visited. It was exactly the help we needed to buck up and do what we needed to do in putting our foot down on her behaviors.

[MammaMia]

I agree with claudiaduffy 100%.  PwBPD have no concept of what they do to others when they threaten suicide.  I have had the police escort my adult BPDs to the ER on 3 occasions when he lived with me.  72 hr hold, psych evals, etc, and he bluffed his way through it each time... .BUT it did provide consequences.

He recently was in a single vehicle accident. That was 3 months ago and he is still in a wheelchair.  I believed from the start it was a suicide attempt.  Law enforcement says it was an accident.  He recently admitted to me he was trying to kill himself and he failed miserably. Thank God he was alone and did not hurt anyone else. After multiple surgeries and a month in the hospital with a full psych eval... .guess what?  They say he has BPD!  But, since he is an adult, he refused treatment.

He is very angry that he did not die, and I have more reasons than ever to believe he will try again.  He lives alone, so opportunity is there.  I am the only person he allows to have contact with him, and he tells me almost daily how I have ruined his life and everything he has done is my fault.  That is crap and I tell him so. 

It is what it is.

[claudiaduffy]

He is very angry that he did not die, and I have more reasons than ever to believe he will try again.  He lives alone, so opportunity is there.  I am the only person he allows to have contact with him, and he tells me almost daily how I have ruined his life and everything he has done is my fault.  That is crap and I tell him so. 

It is what it is.

I am giving you an ovation!

Someone in another place (not this forum) recently commented the following (I have their permission to quote) -

To this, I square my shoulders, and hold my head high, and I steel myself for the onslaught of emotions that will come with the passing of our mother, and take a deep breath and exhale all the guilt, worthlessness, & feelings of not ever being good enough. ... .[I will not fall] back into her web of calculated turmoil that she so loved to place us all in while she was alive. I will no longer be controlled by her selfishness, to do so would be to accept her mental illness as my own.

Thank you for encouraging and inspiring me with your stance on this, MammaMia. I'm collecting courage and health wherever I find it and using it to bolster my own.

[flower211]

No, SIL doesn't have a therapist.  They are struggling to make ends meet and I don't think they have health insurance either. She has chosen to not research or delve into "this BPD thing" and just focus on her family and kids. Which I resoect and understand but also know this manipulative tactic will continue to be used every time mil doesn't recieve the "attention" she feels she needs.

I'm emotionally raw today from all this and finalky broke down sobbing. I have my own family and children who need a healthy, happy mother and this whole scenario reminded me why I have chosen to go low contact (and VERY close to going NO contact).

Spoke with my husband about it briefly on the phone and we are going to discuss possibly forcibly admitting her to a state mental facility. This is the most compassionate thing that can be done in this situation.

I nor my husband (her son) or ANY of her children are emotionally responsible for her. If she chooses to off herself,  it is on HER.

But I struggle with the hatred I feel brewing for her and I know if she DID finally do it, I would hate her for the pain she will cause to everyone, especially my husband.

[claudiaduffy]

But I struggle with the hatred I feel brewing for her and I know if she DID finally do it, I would hate her for the pain she will cause to everyone, especially my husband.

I feel ya. Though I have to think, it's likely she could cause far more pain over the course of living a year than she could by killing herself, if she's anything like my MIL.

I commend you on discussing involuntarily committing her. DH and I decided not to be that involved, because it was easier and in the long run more healthy for us to just take our hands off the entire thing. Even though we'd love to keep her from hurting others... .but in our case, we were the only ones particularly close to the situation, and there was nobody caving to her much apart from us.

I hope that if you do commit her, it can be a truly growing and liberating experience for your DH and your SIL. It will probably take a fight for each of them not to feel guilt over it, but fights like that are worth fighting and worth winning.

[sophiegirl]

If it helps I have found that telling my BPD mother exactly what I am going to do and why is how I now have to do things.

If MIL wants you to be friends and help her tell her you can't until she has got the help she needs. Whenever I do things with the best intentions behind mothers back she seems to have this sixth sense and everything gets much much worse. Telling her straight can make her cry but I just have to cope with the internal cringing and hold my ground.

Hope that helps a little.

[MammaMia]

Flower

Whether your MIL is manipulating everyone or is serious about suicide, but then has a mood swing and changes her mind, please understand this is part of the disorder.  Hating her will not fix anything.

Below are 2 links that discuss how to deal with a person who refuses to believe they are mentally ill, and it includes a brief discussion on suicide.

I watched these last night, and I hope they provide some additional insight. They are rather slow moving, so please hang in there. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppculi-Os2g

[P.F.Change]

The Xavier Amador video MammaMia shared with you was a very helpful one for me to watch. We have an internal link here with more information:

I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! She is right that it is very long, but it really does provide a lot of insight.