Do you worry you are BPD, too?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

It's been a while since I have posted.  My mom turned on me over a year ago and it's been a downward spiral since.  My BPD sister died in that time, so we had contact then, but it's been LC since.  And only if I reach out to her, she might respond.  She does not contact me, but tells others I don't speak to her.

She divorced recently.  Her third divorce.  She also got laid off, found a new job, but then was fired - reportedly for being "too negative".  So now she has lost a daughter, a husband, two jobs and my BPD sister's daughter who she has raised since the age of three is in college now.

Add to it the I, the former golden child, live 3,000 miles away and my mother has only met my youngest of four children once.

She is depressed, I am sure.  I understand (to an extent) as she has been through a LOT but some of it - like the deterioration of her marriage and her relationship with me - were influenced greatly by her behavior.

Now that I am not in the picture, so to speak, she is unleashing on my niece (18) to the point that my niece left (was home for the summer).  My mom is texting, asking if she can give all of her stuff to Goodwill - just being as cruel as humanely possible - when my niece has only asked repeatedly if they could talk.  Mom says she doesn't want to talk anymore (part of her game - "no one ever asks about ME!  No one cares how I am doing!" but when I ask her specific questions she acts like she never heard/saw, and she is telling my niece she no longer needs to talk.

Major head games.

Here is where I am going with all of this... .

In light of recent issues between my mom and niece, I have been back here reading.  And I see some of myself in these posts.  Like wanting things a certain way.  Nagging.  Easily agitated.  I feel like I get stressed out very easily.

Granted, I work 40+ hours a week and have an executive leadership position, and I have four kids ranging from ages 1-10.  But are those just excuses?

I talked to my therapist about it once and she said people with BPD don't know or can't see that they have it, so chances are I am fine.

But talking to my spouse about it last night, they admitted to sometimes thinking, "here we go again!" And just going with the flow to keep the peace.

Ouch.

FEIW, we don't really fight.  We might bicker and have our peeves, but we do not fight and definitely don't yell.  And I might get angry and not speak for a while, but never 24+ silent treatments.

How do you tell what is "normal" when raised in a broken, abusive home?

I say I would never treat my children the way  my mother has treated me, yet I also recall my mother telling me if she EVER acted like my BPD grandmother to tell her (and ONG, made that mistake ONCE).

Am I doomed?  Advice?   

[Fremont]

It's been a while since I have posted.  My mom turned on me over a year ago and it's been a downward spiral since.  My BPD sister died in that time, so we had contact then, but it's been LC since.  And only if I reach out to her, she might respond.  She does not contact me, but tells others I don't speak to her.

She divorced recently.  Her third divorce.  She also got laid off, found a new job, but then was fired - reportedly for being "too negative".  So now she has lost a daughter, a husband, two jobs and my BPD sister's daughter who she has raised since the age of three is in college now.

Add to it the I, the former golden child, live 3,000 miles away and my mother has only met my youngest of four children once.

She is depressed, I am sure.  I understand (to an extent) as she has been through a LOT but some of it - like the deterioration of her marriage and her relationship with me - were influenced greatly by her behavior.

Now that I am not in the picture, so to speak, she is unleashing on my niece (18) to the point that my niece left (was home for the summer).  My mom is texting, asking if she can give all of her stuff to Goodwill - just being as cruel as humanely possible - when my niece has only asked repeatedly if they could talk.  Mom says she doesn't want to talk anymore (part of her game - "no one ever asks about ME!  No one cares how I am doing!" but when I ask her specific questions she acts like she never heard/saw, and she is telling my niece she no longer needs to talk.

Major head games.

Here is where I am going with all of this... .

In light of recent issues between my mom and niece, I have been back here reading.  And I see some of myself in these posts.  Like wanting things a certain way.  Nagging.  Easily agitated.  I feel like I get stressed out very easily.

Granted, I work 40+ hours a week and have an executive leadership position, and I have four kids ranging from ages 1-10.  But are those just excuses?

I talked to my therapist about it once and she said people with BPD don't know or can't see that they have it, so chances are I am fine.

But talking to my spouse about it last night, they admitted to sometimes thinking, "here we go again!" And just going with the flow to keep the peace.

Ouch.

FEIW, we don't really fight.  We might bicker and have our peeves, but we do not fight and definitely don't yell.  And I might get angry and not speak for a while, but never 24+ silent treatments.

How do you tell what is "normal" when raised in a broken, abusive home?

I say I would never treat my children the way  my mother has treated me, yet I also recall my mother telling me if she EVER acted like my BPD grandmother to tell her (and ONG, made that mistake ONCE).

Am I doomed?  Advice?   

[guliers]

I started worrying about the same thing and I brought it up with my therapist and he said the same thing about not having it because people with BPD don't think they have it.

A really important thing I realized was that I may have some of the same learned behaviors because that's what was normalized and it doesn't necessarily mean that I have it, I was just brought up learning these unhealthy things

[Progress Not Perfection]

Fremont, I worry the exact same thing! in fact, it is the primary reason I found this site and signed up... .so that I could get more support in changing my own concerning behaviors (raging, depression, low self-esteem, self-harming). My mom is BPD and whenever I see any of my own behavior that seems like her it devastates me... .i know how much she hurts others and the last thing I want to do is cause that pain in my spouse, siblings, future children, etc.

I agree that having insight into the behavior is a HUGE sign of not having full-blown BPD, and likely you don't have it at all, but rather have learned lots of similar behaviors. I see it like this -- my mom has a huge void inside of her, which she then used me to "fill" instead of helping me become my own whole person. So, naturally I also experience a similar void and have to work very diligently to fill it on my own. It has taken me a long time to realize that my husband can't fill it, neither can work, or friends, or food, etc... .I am still working on how to do it myself. Anyway, try to give yourself some grace, while also listening to that little voice that says "hey, that way of communicating/relating doesn't feel great to me". Of course we sometimes find ourselves acting like the BPD parents in our lives -- that's where we learned how to talk, walk, eat, etc, so of course it is also where we learned how to love, parent, communicate. But that doesn't mean that we can't listen to our intuition when it says "hey! that sounded a lot like mom!" and try to find a new way of being.

As my username implies, for me I try to remember that it is progress, not perfection, that is the goal in this area! 

[HappyChappy]

It's been a while... .I see some of myself in these posts.  Like wanting things a certain way.  Nagging.  Easily agitated.  I feel like I get stressed out very easily.

Granted, I work 40+ hours a week and have an executive leadership position, and I have four kids ranging from ages 1-10.  But are those just excuses?

I talked to my therapist about it once and she said people with BPD don't know or can't see that they have it, so chances are I am fine.

I wouldn't worry too much, as we all have narcisstic tendencies. We all pick things up from our parents. The big difference is we can change, where as a BPD is limited in that respect. So just work on the attributes you don't like. My wife says "you're nagging" so I stop immediately. I actually nag less now than most. But never forget that as ACORns we often have hypersensitivity. I.e. we think  people are annoyed with us when they aren’t. All that gas lighting and mind games, bound to make us that way. My wife freely admits I never really nagged much, but accusing me was more effective than saying "shut up".

Your Therapies is right, the fact you found this forum and are asking these questions means you probably aren’t. However, it's natural to worry, as being like my BPD is my worst nightmare. But we're not, we just need to work on a few bad habits.

[Fremont]

Thank you for the replies.  I stress about this so much that sometimes I feel tormented.  I go through phases of hating myself because I am sometimes (in my mind) "just like her" and I never want my family to be treated the way she treated me, nor do I want to cause them the pain that she causes me.  I feel like I can't escape it and that I am doomed.  The biggest part that sticks with me is hearing my mother say to me, "If I EVER act like grandma, let me know!" and then seeing her act EXACTLY like grandma, only worse.  To me, it's like she once WAS normal and saw what my grandmother was and feared it (as I fear it), but somewhere along the way she was unable to fight it.  I don't want that to happen to me or my family.

I was the golden child for a very long time, however, so I believe my perceptions of her being "normal" at one point and then suddenly changing are skewed.  SHe has, however, clearly gotten much, much worse these past few years.   :'(

[P.F.Change]

There is a genetic component to BPD, and being raised by someone with the disorder can also lead to both insecure attachment as well as a lack of healthy coping skills being modeled in the environment. For those reasons, many people with a BPD parent do develop BPD or other disorders. Even without enough traits to warrant a diagnosis, we all have recovery work to do as a result. Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

I see people say all the time that if you're asking if you have BPD, then you definitely don't; however, I really think this is a myth. Even though many people with BPD are not psychologically able to entertain the idea that there could be something wrong with them, it is not true that no one with BPD ever seeks help on their own. On the other hand, your therapist knows you better than anyone here and is qualified to make or exclude a diagnosis. If he says you don't have it, you probably don't. But even if you did, that wouldn't mean things are hopeless for you or unchangeable--it's not a lost cause. You are actively seeking help and have awareness of the problem areas in your life. Have you had a look at Step 8 of the Survivor's Guide? Do you feel like you are working in the Mourning Stage right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Angi]

I am having such a lot of trouble with getting a diagnosis. I went to a therapist first time when I was 23, then another three times, until it was September last year (with 48), when my therapist thought I most probably have a personality disorder. All the time, until a few weeks ago, I was trying to get used to the thought of having BPD. But in our last session (before our holidays) she said “I don´t think so … You have traits, but BPD?” I found a sufferer supporting group who has now given me an address. I seems as if you don´t get such a diagnosis if you aren´t obviously antisocial or cut your arms here in Germany.

[Harri]

Hi Fremont.  You are not doomed.  None of us are. 

A therapist I saw years ago told me something that I clung to during the worst of times: 

That it was normal for me to have some issues dealing with life stuff given how I was raised and that if I did not have issues, *that* is what would be abnormal. 

I still remind myself of that.  Write it on stickies and put them around the house to remind you if needed, but try to focus on that, rather than worrying about being BPD.  Most BPD traits/behaviors are 'normal' and most people, even those without a PD, exhibit some of them some of the time.  Like others said here, the fact that you are asking and questioning is good, natural even, but even if you were, would having a label stamped on you make that much of a difference in terms of healing?  You are in therapy and you are here to learn about BPD and how it affects you, how to respond and how to heal the damage your upbringing caused.  Would the BPD label really change any of that?

I am not trying to minimize your concerns as I do believe they are valid and I still wonder myself, but I also believe the question is a natural part of the healing process and the fact that you are asking means that you are moving further along.  That is good news!  Be careful as it is all too easy to get stuck in the worrying part.  Acknowledge your fears and sit with them for just a bit... .and then move along to reminding yourself that you are actively working on healing.  Don't let those feelings and concerns stall you.  Does that make sense?

I think we 'kids of' have to be diligent in terms of looking at our own behavior **and** in terms of not using our fears to further beat our Self up. 

[PleaseValidate]

I used to worry about this, but not so much anymore. I most definitely acted like a Borderline in hs but it wasn't until I got to college and grad school that I actually saw myself acting this way in certain areas and made great efforts to stop this. Probably no coincidence that this is the time I went LC then NC.

Lately,  with all that has happened to me over the past few years, i worry t hat I might end up like her in a different way- living alone on SSDI and (percieved as) delusional. She stated w the extreme grandiose ideas after menopause although she was always paranoid. We are both health zealots but in different ways. She wrote about caffeine being the cause of ALL health problems. I feel very strongly that lack of sunlight is a cause of many mental health and autoimmune diseases. (As much research indicates.) Thankfully,  I'm not so short sighted to think sun will solve ALL your problems! !

[sophiegirl]

Hi, YES I totally get where you're coming from, I have always said I don't want to be like my mother, or treat my children how she treated me. However in my teens and 20's I was so angry at her and jealous of other people who seemed to have it all, and at the same time did and said everything that was opposite to my mothers ideas but really I was just being very similar in my behaviour and outlook on life to her. I used to run and run as if I were full to the top of boiling lava. Then something happened to me, I became really ill and I couldn't run anymore, and as I recovered I became a different this time placid person, she no longer dominated my 'who I am' .

20 years later she still drives me mad but I think I am through the BPD trait stage thing (at least I hope I am) I'm sure sometimes it reappears but I do check my self if I'm starting to sound like her. I think my outlook on life is 100 times more positive than hers and I suspect yours is too.

Good luck and don't worry. hope you can help reassure your niece.

[HappyChappy]

I do empathise, with the not wanting to be like your BPDm - my worst nightmare also. It led me to believe my son may have it, turns out he has ADHD. I also read bi-polar shares traits with BPD. So it's easy for us to worry about this. Sounds like it may be worth getting a diagnosis, to put yourself at ease.

Fremont. Sound like you are introspective and aware of the BPD. Hence any BPD traites you may have you can address.  You suggest this is somthing your BPDm (and mine) hasn't done. So there's hard evidence you're not your Mom. I have often read that those with BPD who realise and accept it have had sucessful treatement.