I lost it a bit

[Vitto18]

For the past few months since the break-up, I've been faithfully sticking to a schedule of alternate weekend visits for the 2 children we share.

S5 lives with me & D1 lives with her. uBPDex has no car & we live about 40 kms apart; she complained that "its too far, & takes too long by public transport, she won't have enough time to spend with the kids if she spends half the day travelling" etc. Sure the public transport in South Africa is not the most efficient, but surely she could make another plan?

Being Mr Helpful, I agreed to bring our son to her mother's place, with the proviso that she help out with petrol. I deliberately did not specify an amount, because I know she will complain that she has to pay to see her child. (Same story with her daughter from a previous r/s).

On one occassion she said she didn't have any money (Miss Helpless), & ofcourse I said its fine & still brought him. The next few weeks: no petrol money. When I ask what happened to our arrangement her reply was "you said I don't have to pay anymore." Erm no, I made an exception, one time. Is this black & white thinking or her trying to weasel out of the arrangement? Maybe I let it go for too long, but I didn't want to demand. I'm trying to be fair. It's not about the money, its the principle of the thing. I ferry the child around for her benefit (& his ofcourse) because she is not prepared to lift a finger to make sure her son sees her on a regular basis. I left it up to her to figure out what is fair compensation, which was a challenge on its own.

Anyway, when its 'my' weekend I text her "may I see D1 this weekend?", usually on a Wednesday or Thursday. She has copied this, but her texts are usually Friday afternoon. This past weekend she texted after 6pm, which was a little annoying.

Even with the arrangement being for alternate weekends, this person tends to be erratic so I'd like some confirmation before driving a distance to find her not home or whatever. (My car was in for repairs the last month & I had to beg & borrow to make sure I see the kids on my weekends. She was like "ok I'll see him some other time" on hers)

So I went off at her, for being inconsiderate & entitled and so on. But I brought in other issues: the petrol money, her posting pics of my replacement playing happy families with 'my' kids on facebook. I called her a home-wrecker, who jumps from man to man & puts innocent children in the middle of it. Cheap shot maybe, but still true?

Looking back at the texts, I realise I really just wanted to vent, & unload this anger on her.

But I came off like the one with BPD, kitchen-sinking her with my issues & exposing my fear of being replaced in the children's lives the way I'd been replaced in hers. She gave me the standard response: "Stop throwing my mistakes in my face! We're talking about the kids here" & proceeded to ignore me after saying this was the reason she didn't want to talk to me.

I honestly wanted to bring her down a notch & tell her off because this arrogant 'new her,' Ms Goody Two Shoes facade is getting on my nerves. Or maybe I'm just jealous because she seems happy & is getting on with her life with her new bf, planning her wedding, whilst I'm fighting depression & loneliness, grieving my lost fantasy of finally having a 'normal' family. Does she have no shame? Does she have amnesia?

Am I addicted to the drama? Putting her down because I'm unhappy? Is this just fleas or am I the one with BPD here?   

I don't need to ferry our son up & down, if she wants to see him she must maake a plan. Its an excuse to see our daughter for a few minutes, maybe an excuse to see my ex. I had hope that she might pluck up the courage & maturity to try & somehow make things right between us (magic?), but nowadays Mr Replacement is usually in attendence, which makes it difficult for me to even greet her.

Would appreciate any thoughts from members in similiar situations on this rambling post. Since the breakup I'm constantly doubting myself.

Thanks bpdfamily.com

[MommaBear]

First, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's so hard when children are involved, and we have to navigate between being super-mom/dad and trying to avoid the black sink hole of crazy they never seem to get a handle on, let alone have the faintest idea of!

No, you're not addicted to drama. There are days I want to tell him every horrible, rotten, stinking thing about him. About how he's ruined every woman he's ever known, about how he's an unlovable fraud and a human parasite, and to be reincarnated as a tapeworm is too good for him. There are days I want to scream and yell and just smack him senseless (or rather, knock some sense into him!) so that he can understand the depth of what he's done to me and every woman before me.

But I don't. And these days do pass. I get them less and less. But I know what's it's like, to sit there and think these thoughts and ask yourself, "How on EARTH did I get here? I am *not* this kind of person! I don't think these types of things, let alone want to act on them. What on earth happened to me? Where are these feelings coming from?"

I think, at times like this, I need to try and remember who I am and what values are important to me. It's not always easy. They train us, like Pavlov's dogs, to respond a certain way. Over time, we learn that being nice, rational, and decent just doesn't work. We're punished, exploited and used for trying to do the right thing. How tempting it becomes to do the wrong thing in that situation!

When I feel this way, I ask myself this: ":)o I want to do this to him, knowing I'll never get the reaction or the closure I seek, or do I want to cling to the last bits of my humanity and prove that he wasn't able to rob it from me?"

It's not worth going down that road. You'll never get what you want/need from them. You'll only lose more of yourself trying.

Stick with the best parts of yourself she couldn't steal. Their yours. Use them on someone who can appreciate them!  

[LettingGo14]

Am I addicted to the drama? Putting her down because I'm unhappy? Is this just fleas or am I the one with BPD here?   

Would appreciate any thoughts from members in similiar situations on this rambling post. Since the breakup I'm constantly doubting myself.

Thanks bpdfamily.com

Hello Vitto18 -- It is hard, and I am sorry you are feeling the weight of it right now.  I think, if you polled the members here, most of us have felt crazy at times.  

It's very clear you are working hard on behalf of the children, so please start by giving yourself credit.

There is no magic switch to detachment, especially when limited contact (LC) is required due to children.  

For me, I found that turning all attention to myself -- that is, only what I can control -- made a big difference.   When I was in pain, I decided to be in pain.  When I was angry, I let myself be angry.   I just sat with it.

There's also a great acronym for co-parenting communication.  It is BIFF.  When communicating, one can be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.   I use it with my ex-wife (non-BPD) and it seems to work.  

We're here for you.  

[Aussie JJ]

Momabear,

Thankyou for your reply.  I needed to read that today. 

[Vitto18]

Thank you all for your responses. They are much appreciated, especially since the normal support groups one relies on, have no concept of what it's like dealing with a pwBPD. Getting feedback from folks like yourselves who know what its like is very helpful.

It's so difficult to remain on an even keel & be reasonable when one is forced to deal with someone who is so unstable & incosistent.

   

This coming weekend is her weekend with the kids. This morning I wake up to this text from her: "Hi Vitto, I wont be able to see (s5) this weekend, as I do not have petrol money."

At this point I'm at the end of my tether. It's really is not my responsibility to ensure she sees him & it comes across as though I'm being guilted / manipulated into bringing s5 to her no matter what, dropping my request for fair compensation.

We are both adults & if she is not going make an effort to see our son, why should I go out of my way to bring him to her?

This "I'm so helpless because I don't have a car" act of hers is getting old now.

I've made exceptions before & she abuses my kindness, so why should I continue to do so?

Being reasonable with this person is not working so I'm throwing in the towel in terms of doing her favours, & accomodating her problems.

If she cannot make her own means to see him then tough luck right?


 

[goldylamont]

I think, at times like this, I need to try and remember who I am and what values are important to me. It's not always easy. They train us, like Pavlov's dogs, to respond a certain way. Over time, we learn that being nice, rational, and decent just doesn't work. We're punished, exploited and used for trying to do the right thing. How tempting it becomes to do the wrong thing in that situation!

When I feel this way, I ask myself this: ":)o I want to do this to him, knowing I'll never get the reaction or the closure I seek, or do I want to cling to the last bits of my humanity and prove that he wasn't able to rob it from me?"

It's not worth going down that road. You'll never get what you want/need from them. You'll only lose more of yourself trying.

Stick with the best parts of yourself she couldn't steal. Their yours. Use them on someone who can appreciate them!  

So true MommaBear! thank you for sharing 

So I went off at her, for being inconsiderate & entitled and so on. But I brought in other issues: the petrol money, her posting pics of my replacement playing happy families with 'my' kids on facebook. I called her a home-wrecker, who jumps from man to man & puts innocent children in the middle of it. Cheap shot maybe, but still true?

Vitto18--no this wasn't a cheap shot at all. and yes it's all true. i believe what is happening is that you are learning and adjusting and finally starting to set firmer boundaries for what you are willing to do and accept. you're letting go of the dream that being 'nice', considerate or helpful will get you a positive response at all, because it won't.

Yet, as MommaBear stated, giving a negative response won't get you what you want either.

So then, if giving a positive or negative response both ends up messing you up in the end, what to do? I think others here may be able to help you construct a best use *neutral* response where you set firm boundaries to protect your own integrity while not giving her an excuse to try and turn the blame on you. when you respond negatively, initially it may feel good because you are able to vent. you feel a little power by letting out the truth of how you feel. but over time you realize that this is exactly what she wants. posting pics on social media, her constant complaining and lies about her reasons for not caring about seeing her son--much of this is done to punish you but also to get you to react so she can point you out to others as the 'crazy' one. she'll use it to solidify bonds with her new bf and to try and devalue you to others. so forgive yourself for this and understand it's just part of the games they play. you are accepting that you can't keep taking her isht and trying to resolve things for her which is good. over time you will find ways to deal with it that she won't be able to use against you.