Like It Never Happened

[Loveofhislife]

As I was texting my best girlfriend today (she has witnessed the entire year of my relationship with exbfBPD), I told her that he is acting as if NOTHING has happened over the past year.  When I met him (online, ugh), I had no idea he was living in a half-way house after being released from federal prison.  On our second date, he told me EVERYTHING (or so he said) about his case, including his innocence and over sentencing.  He cried, and as he was trembling, he begged me not to judge him.  I told him that I had been in the mental health/child services/advocacy business for many years, and that I try never to judge anyone.  Before the end of the evening, we were kissing goodnight (before he had to return to the halfway house). He told me no one had ever been so caring or so understanding or so affectionate to him in his entire life.  (all I did was touch his face, and he said he had never felt anything like that before).  Ok that alone began building a story that his wife of 17 years must have been really cold that she never touched her hand to his face?  As a codependent/rescuer, I was hooked--even if I was not particularly attracted.  I had never been hooked by a BPD waif--not really my thing.  Soon after the "confession" date, he would call me and say there were certain things he couldn't do living in a half-way house:  Could I come pick up his apartment key and let his probation officer in to inspect?  Could I come meet him at work (many miles away) to see him?  And here's the clincher--3rd meeting at work, he takes me out in a very nice SUV and asks me if I could help him get the money to purchase it?  HUGE RED FLAGS!  I called my best girlfriend and my best guy friend who is my successor trustee.  Did they think this was an odd request?  Both Googled him; found his criminal record; and told me to STAY AWAY.  I followed their advice for the better part of a week, and then I called him to let him know that he had left his legal case binder full of confidential information with me.  WAS THIS A COINCIDENCE?  One year later; I don't think so.  I returned his binder to his apartment (he was wearing an ankle bracelet by then, and could not drive to me).  Waif that he is, his sad puppy dog eyes got to me.  I felt that I at least owed him an explanation--I had basically abandoned him with no explanation, and that's not my style.  We ended up talking on his couch for hours, and I clearly explained that he could NEVER ask me for money, because it would raise red flags for my trustees and could imperil his probation status.  One year later, I cannot begin to calculate the amount of money I have spent on every meal he has eaten, every article of clothing he wears, and every bit of entertainment he (and often his sons) have enjoyed at my expense.  I have prevented him from eviction, homelessness, and a significant $$$ judgement and the list goes on and on.  He is now lucratively employed (his monthly net is 600% more than my own), and he had promised to pay me back what he owed for charging the remainder of his high interest car loan on my credit card.  Instead, he raged at me after he was paid, and I asked him about my repayment.  One week later, I have not heard his voice, and certainly have not been repaid.  I had significant silent treatment once before when I insisted on his repaying me.  It's as if the last year never happened.  I'm feeling almost as if it didn't either:  as if it's been one long nightmare.  HELP!   

[OutOfEgypt]

I wish I could tell you that he will pay you back, but I can't.  My ex wife practically extorts money from me for spousal and child support, and I once dared to ask her to lessen the spousal support (since she seems to be doing very well for herself), and she snapped at me, "How dare you even ask!  I'm still getting on my feet!"  Yes, you are right dear... .how selfish of me :P.  I should have known that the only thing acceptable is me and everyone else thinking about YOU.

It sounds to me like he's trying to forget the past year in the same way that they lie about things.  Lying is easier than facing the truth, with all of those ugly, shameful feelings.  On one hand, while he loves getting his rear-end wiped and felt sorry for, like he's a victim, he certainly knows on some level how he's taken advantage of you and certainly wants to avoid facing that like the plague.  Or it may be simpler than that... .he used you and now is blowing you off.

Do you have anything in writing, or any witnesses, that can prove him ever stating he would pay you back?  If so, you might be able to take him to court.  Otherwise, good luck

[Loveofhislife]

Dear Egypt: thank you so much: very validating. And when I asked him to repay ONLY a small part of his monthly net (on which he had sworn on his Grammy's grave that he would pay)--it was all that was standing between AMEX and me, he said, "What am I supposed to live on?" I kept saying, "You used my credit card to pay off a car loan!" He angrily drove off, and said, "Ill get you your f'in money!" I have not seen him or heard his voice since. But he texted yesterday morning, "I can't GIVE what I do not have." Again, he makes A LOT more than I; has no custody of his children; lives in a modest apartment, and has lived an incredible lifestyle (vacations, holidays with my family, dining out, movies, etc.) immediately after leaving a federal prison. And he feels no responsibility to pay what he owes for charging up my credit--he's just trying to get back on his feet.

[OutOfEgypt]

That's pretty awful.  I wish I could tell you that he'll come around and be a decent person, but self-centeredness abounds with this type of thing.  If you press him, just be careful.  Have you experienced rages or violence from him?  He sounds more the type to play victim.  Still... .be careful.  If he feels like you are trying to take control of the situation, he may do something nasty or dirty to make sure you leave him alone.