update and rant

[eagle755]

This BPD crap is really starting to get on my nerves. Been doing so great. Haven't gave a crap about my ex, no contact, no looking on facebook, no wanting to do any of that. Pretty much moved on, have met other women. Only have slight thoughts once in a blue moon. Been like 4-5 months since bu. Nc has been like a month? Don't even keep track because I don't care

Then today a friend brings her up. I think nothing of it, my feelings are gone for her, and I've accepted the BPD crap. But he shows me her facebook. And there's the new hero. And adrenaline just fills me. Because now I know she moved 3000 miles to live with the new hero. Like it just brings up a million questions. Like where the hell did this guy come from? I've never seen him before. She made the decision to move like a week after I found out she cheated on me and we broke up, and her reason for moving was for something totally different. Its just like a million suppressed questions and thoughts just popped up again. And now actually seeing the hero brings on more thoughts. But I have to shut it out.

After typing this though, the anger subsided. It doesn't bother me as much, but I still have the questions and all of the normal jealous of the new hero thoughts. But I've come to understand that it's all normal and I must accept everything as it is because that's just how it goes. And this guy is no better than me, and he will fair no better with her disorder. He will crash and burn much worse than me. Just like all of her exes before me did. I came out on top though. I'm doing much better than expected. Leaps and bounds better. At least from what I feel. I am such a better person without her, and even better because I've grown through the pain.

Sorry guys I just felt like ranting a little bit.

[gtrhr]

Feel free to rant anytime.  I think most of my replies turn into rants.  

Sorry to hear you found out info about her.  It's too bad your friend told you.  No doubt it raised lot of questions!

I can totally relate.  I broke off a relationship in spite of wanting it to work out with my ex gf.  She had every right to see someone else and did, in not too long a time.  I was blissfully ignorant for some months then made mistake of breaking no contact.  I got the double whammy of BPD craziness, "I miss you -wish we had worked out, and I'm seeing someone else." And she's deliberately messing things up with him by telling him she misses me.  But she thinkgs it's ok for her to tell him that, because it's just talking about feelings.  And when it comes to actually breaking things off and coming to see me because she really wants to do that soon, when it comes to reality, she says she isn't ready to see me yet.    

To which I say, "Huh?"

It's better to know nothing and just assume they've moved on totally in their lives.  These things are setbacks to our recovery but it'll make us stronger and wiser eventually.

[Emelie Emelie]

I agree.  It's much easier to know nothing.  I just want to forget.

[seeking balance]

Venting is good to get it out... .living your life venting is dangerous. 

Then today a friend brings her up. I think nothing of it, my feelings are gone for her, and I've accepted the BPD crap. But he shows me her facebook.

Sorry, that doesn't sound like much of a friend.

I pretty much told everyone my motto is "don't ask, don't tell" - it was way healthier for me not to know.  All it did was make my head spin and me doubt myself.

Glad you are doing better than you expected - these situations always give us a good gauge of where we are in our process. 

[Mr Hollande]

Sorry, that doesn't sound like much of a friend.

I second that. What a poor thing to do. Either pig ignorant or just plain inconsiderate.

[SpringInMyStep]

Rant away! Just when I think I'm done, there's more.

And I prefer to call them the new "victim" because that's what they are. The exes will always keep searching for someone else who will buy their b.s. (until they don't), then they'll move onto the next one.

[BacknthSaddle]

I have found venting here to be extremely helpful.  Getting thoughts down in writing and seeing them in front of you is grounding.  

She made the decision to move like a week after I found out she cheated on me and we broke up, and her reason for moving was for something totally different.

Nothing profound, just a method that I've found to be helpful to me.  Read the quote above.  Then think to yourself: who does something like that?  Answer: a crazy person.  That's something a crazy person does.  It has nothing to do with you or with him or with anything other than her craziness.  Recently I have grounded myself in this way when ruminating on the hurtful things my ex has said to me.  Who says things like "You weren't good enough for me, that's why it didn't work" to someone that they claim to have "loved" and who they claim is their "best friend," with all of these things being said in the same conversation?  My ex does.  And, a crazy person does.  Who says "lose my number" then texts the next day to complain that I'm not texting?  My ex, and also a crazy person. Not about me. None of it.  Lucky to have that removed from my life.  

[camuse]

Great post BITS! Thanks 

I will remember this!

Mine often said during her crazy rages "You think I'm crazy!" and "I'm not crazy you know!" and "You make me feel like I'm crazy but I'm not!" but I think she knew deep down she wasn't right in the head. Who shouts at you for 6 hours because you gave the cat too much attention that evening? Who discards you then demands to check your phone to see that you don't have a new girlfriend?  My ex, and also a crazy person

[amigo]

Good thread, I come here to rant as well  

and thank you BnS, I like that method.

It really does drive home the point that a person who does/says things like that is a crazy person.

I too do my best not to check up on/find out about BPDex's activities. If there is nothing, it will make me just wonder, how can he cope on his own, why isn't he back to contacting me? and if there is something, it just hurts to see him happy with the new victim (yes, victim). Either way, I am definitely learning, that not knowing, N/C and time, is the best way to heal.

For me the hardest part is staying away from our former common social scene, but I know I am not ready to run into him and deal with his coldness or god forbid, see him with the next girl, so I stay away. And it did actually open up time for new activities and new places to go, even though right now they just serve as a substitute and unfortunately a reminder, that I have to stay away from him.

But, as many people here keep telling me, over time, those activities will morph from substitute into enjoyable activities and I will not constantly think of how I am only here to stay away from him.

Sorry, now I added my own rant to this thread

[eagle755]

Everyone should take this pain as a growing experience. A lesson is meaningless without pain, you can only grow through sacrifice, for us to endure this and to keep our head held high, we can come out on top of anything. The way I see it, were better than some mental disorder, were better than some little girl who can't fathom self awareness, who can't hold a thought process longer than two seconds, who hurt us, who beat us to the ground, then when we're down they keep kicking us until they have no need for us anymore then instead of helping us back up, they move on, and keep you on the ground only to come by every so often to give an occasional kick. Don't let them do that to you, you're all better than that, we all are, everyone on this board. Don't give them any satisfaction. Its all about getting up, it doesn't matter how hard you're hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. Become better, become the best, strive each day to be more than you were yesterday and I assure you, you'll not only feel better, but you'll attract many new people, people you deserve, people that will actually make you happy.

This is how I live now, if it wasn't for my break up. I'd never be who I am now. And I love who I am now. I've always had self esteem issues, self consciousness, social anxiety, I hated leaving my room. But now, I go to the gym everyday, I surf every morning, I'm in incredible shape, I do new things all of the time, I flirt with women all of the time, I've gotten countless numbers from random girls just because I have the confidence to know that I've been through some ___ and I just don't care about being rejected. Nothing anyone can do can hurt me as bad as I've been hurt. Once you hit the bottom, there is only one way to go from there.

I was angry earlier and posted this, now I don't even care. New hero? Lolol. More like pathetic male who has no idea of the pain he will be enduring.

All of this raises questions about myself although, how am I able to cut off emotions with her so easily? Two year BPD relationship whom I lived with and it took 2 months to cut off my emotions to her. That I can't understand