All efforts seem wasted on uBPDh...

[Ceruleanblue]

I've noticed that any and all efforts I make either go unnoticed, or fall totally flat. Nothing I do is ever quite good enough. Is this typical of people with BPD? I get accused of totally false things, or things he should be able to understand, but he totally lacks empathy.

His three grown girls hate me, and that is not an exaggeration. I still try with the, mostly just because I want uBPDh to see I'm "trying". Which is starting to feel sort of sick on my part. I wonder why I'm still trying. My most recent thing was today, I bought my Step Daughter a bunch of really cute baby clothes at a garage sale. I loaded up, and sent my husband a picture, as well as his daughter. We are so "not close", that I actually had to ask my husband for her cell phone number. Well, after texting her the picture with a message, I get zero response back. When uBPDh came home, I showed him all the baby stuff, and I was saying that I'm done "doing" for his girls, when they are never going to like me, no matter what. I've attended three years of baby showers, birthday parties(for grown women, no less), yet they all just refused to attend the ONE thing I've hosted in three years: my daughter"s graduation party. They say they want things to be better, but their ACTIONS prove otherwise. They act horrible, but I get blamed for it all by uBPDh. It's like I'm living in crazytown.

Instead of saying he can see how I've tried for so long with them, and instead of empathizing(because I'm not just feeling bad over this incident... .it's been ongoing, they've been mean, and unaccepting of me), he got angry at ME, called me negative, and cussed me out(something he knows hurts me). I'm spending so much time validating HIM, trying not to set him off, but I get ZERO from him. I'm never allowed to have feelings, and he expects me to be a robot, and just keep trying, doing, and accepting any and all treatment from his three, MEAN, grown girls.

In his T session this week, he told her how he'd told me that half of him didn't want to be married to me, that it "shouldn't be this hard"(I agree on this, but it's hard due to his drama, anger, and projecting), and that he "finds other women very beautiful"(he doesn't even call ME beautiful). His T asked him what he needs to do to be "all in" this marriage, and asked him if he thought this was fair to me. She also suggested us taking a "break" yet again. She told him a lot of times people don't realize what they have until they lose it, and last time I joined his session, she said she sees I can appreciate him even in these circumstances, but he clearly can't, and that a break might help him appreciate me more.

How can a "break" fix anything? I've always been very opposed to breaks in marriage, but at this point, I wish he would leave for a bit, if it helped in the long run. This is the pattern he and his ex had. Leave, get back together. He says he always went back though because of their kids, and in OUR situation, his "kids" are a huge part of the problem.

I have a husband who either has BPD(his family doctor came right out and told him he has a mental health issue, and gave him meds that my husband promptly stopped taking), or is just a Sociopath. Only HE and hid kids matter. I'm treated like a convenience or a burden. He enjoys tearing me down. It's lost it ability to hurt me like it used to, but it's still wearing to get daily doses of it.

Nothing I do seem to make any difference in HIS behaviors. Withdrawing, didn't help. Validating his feelings didn't help. Continuing to try doesn't help. He seems to think "I" can fix everything that is wrong.

If he truly is so unhappy with me, and thinks I'm such an awful person, why doesn't he just take that "break" he's been begging for? When I asked, he said he doesn't want to face his family asking questions.

It just seems like he doesn't want to be happy. Is this how others with BPD act? I just want some peace, but he seems to find peace disturbing.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Ceruleanblue]

What are the most likely techniques I can use in my situation, to find some peace for myself, and my kids? I'm no longer so concerned about HIM, because he seems to feel entitled to be angry, hostile, and mean, and I know for a fact that I don't deserve his rages.

I want our marriage to improve, but he seems to be undermining everything I try. Validating him hasn't been the success I hoped for, because he seems to have such a superior, entitled attitude. MY opinion doesn't matter to him, so he really doesn't care if I validate, or agree with him, or not. For me, a little bit of validation, would mean a LOT, and he makes sure he never gives it to me. He refuses to try to see any view or feeling other than his own.

I sometimes think the only emotion he can feel is anger(he saves his happiness for others to enjoy). I want to distance from his anger and negativity about me, but how do I do that, and still work on the marriage?

[formflier]

What are the most likely techniques I can use in my situation, to find some peace for myself, and my kids? I'm no longer so concerned about HIM, because he seems to feel entitled to be angry, hostile, and mean, and I know for a fact that I don't deserve his rages.

I want our marriage to improve, but he seems to be undermining everything I try. Validating him hasn't been the success I hoped for, because he seems to have such a superior, entitled attitude. MY opinion doesn't matter to him, so he really doesn't care if I validate, or agree with him, or not. For me, a little bit of validation, would mean a LOT, and he makes sure he never gives it to me. He refuses to try to see any view or feeling other than his own.

I sometimes think the only emotion he can feel is anger(he saves his happiness for others to enjoy). I want to distance from his anger and negativity about me, but how do I do that, and still work on the marriage?

Hmmm... .hang in there!   

I get the feeling you are really trying.  Please keep it up...

OK... .can you give us some details on you validating him... and him having a superior, entitled attitude.  As close to quotes as you can. 

One thing I noticed in your writing is that he feels "entitled" to have certain emotions or actions... .I'm detecting that you think this is a choice.  Have you considered that it may not be a choice for him... .or that if it is a choice... .it may be an incredibly hard choice for him to make. 

Please think about that.  I hope that can help you feel some compassion for him... .which may help you validate him more.

Thoughts?

[bruceli]

I've noticed that any and all efforts I make either go unnoticed, or fall totally flat. Nothing I do is ever quite good enough. Is this typical of people with BPD? I get accused of totally false things, or things he should be able to understand, but he totally lacks empathy.

His three grown girls hate me, and that is not an exaggeration. I still try with the, mostly just because I want uBPDh to see I'm "trying". Which is starting to feel sort of sick on my part. I wonder why I'm still trying. My most recent thing was today, I bought my Step Daughter a bunch of really cute baby clothes at a garage sale. I loaded up, and sent my husband a picture, as well as his daughter. We are so "not close", that I actually had to ask my husband for her cell phone number. Well, after texting her the picture with a message, I get zero response back. When uBPDh came home, I showed him all the baby stuff, and I was saying that I'm done "doing" for his girls, when they are never going to like me, no matter what. I've attended three years of baby showers, birthday parties(for grown women, no less), yet they all just refused to attend the ONE thing I've hosted in three years: my daughter"s graduation party. They say they want things to be better, but their ACTIONS prove otherwise. They act horrible, but I get blamed for it all by uBPDh. It's like I'm living in crazytown.

Instead of saying he can see how I've tried for so long with them, and instead of empathizing(because I'm not just feeling bad over this incident... .it's been ongoing, they've been mean, and unaccepting of me), he got angry at ME, called me negative, and cussed me out(something he knows hurts me). I'm spending so much time validating HIM, trying not to set him off, but I get ZERO from him. I'm never allowed to have feelings, and he expects me to be a robot, and just keep trying, doing, and accepting any and all treatment from his three, MEAN, grown girls.

In his T session this week, he told her how he'd told me that half of him didn't want to be married to me, that it "shouldn't be this hard"(I agree on this, but it's hard due to his drama, anger, and projecting), and that he "finds other women very beautiful"(he doesn't even call ME beautiful). His T asked him what he needs to do to be "all in" this marriage, and asked him if he thought this was fair to me. She also suggested us taking a "break" yet again. She told him a lot of times people don't realize what they have until they lose it, and last time I joined his session, she said she sees I can appreciate him even in these circumstances, but he clearly can't, and that a break might help him appreciate me more.

How can a "break" fix anything? I've always been very opposed to breaks in marriage, but at this point, I wish he would leave for a bit, if it helped in the long run. This is the pattern he and his ex had. Leave, get back together. He says he always went back though because of their kids, and in OUR situation, his "kids" are a huge part of the problem.

I have a husband who either has BPD(his family doctor came right out and told him he has a mental health issue, and gave him meds that my husband promptly stopped taking), or is just a Sociopath. Only HE and hid kids matter. I'm treated like a convenience or a burden. He enjoys tearing me down. It's lost it ability to hurt me like it used to, but it's still wearing to get daily doses of it.

Nothing I do seem to make any difference in HIS behaviors. Withdrawing, didn't help. Validating his feelings didn't help. Continuing to try doesn't help. He seems to think "I" can fix everything that is wrong.

If he truly is so unhappy with me, and thinks I'm such an awful person, why doesn't he just take that "break" he's been begging for? When I asked, he said he doesn't want to face his family asking questions.

It just seems like he doesn't want to be happy. Is this how others with BPD act? I just want some peace, but he seems to find peace disturbing.

He's not unhappy with you, he is unhappy with life in general and yes, this is like my pwPD to a T.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

OK... .can you give us some details on you validating him... and him having a superior, entitled attitude.  As close to quotes as you can. 

I can give you one from my uBPDw (fresh off last night)... .

1.  "If you would just read this you'd understand".  i.e. You don't agree with me so read this... .The feeling of superiority being if I just read what she has read then I'd agree with her, because given the same information, or course I'd agree with her.

[maxsterling]

I certainly feel for your frustration.  I've been there and I am there.  Unfortunately, this is how pwBPD act.  In my case, I can spend weeks helping her out, taking time off work, using all my free time to her needs, and a day later she can rage at me for doing nothing for her, ever. 

As you mentioned, he's just unhappy.  That's how pwBPD are.  they are unhappy, and the rest of society is the cause.  he can't see the efforts you made, because all he can see is the end result.  And the end result is that he is still unhappy.  I do get gratitude on occasion, but when she is stressed or in a bad mood (which is most of the time), I get the opposite - complaints. 

The best I can do is tell myself that this isn't about me, shrug it off, and go about my business.  What I need to learn to do better at is to quit trying so hard to do things for her.  It won't make a difference anyway, so why should I waste my time?  I suggest that for his daughters.  You don't have to do anything special for them.  Just treat them with respect and kindness, and if they hate you, that's their problem.

I did want to pull this out of your post:

Nothing I do seem to make any difference in HIS behaviors. Withdrawing, didn't help. Validating his feelings didn't help. Continuing to try doesn't help. He seems to think "I" can fix everything that is wrong.

And nothing you do will ever make a difference in his behaviors.  He has to fix himself.  It's taken me a long time to understand that, and I still struggle mightily with this.   If you take the attitude of trying this or that and that will solve his problem, you will always lose.  I've tried this method, and all I got was bitter and exhausted.  (And yet I say this to you as I am about to take the afternoon off work to go help her finish setting up her classroom, because she can't do it alone.  Part of me likes doing this, put part of me is still stuck in the old habit of trying to do something nice for her in hopes of avoiding a stressful weekend  )

[MaybeSo]

emotional validation is harder than it sounds... .it takes a lot of practice.  it doesn't have anything to do with agreeing with a person. it also doesn't fix BPD... .but it is a very important communication tool that over time helps keep the drama down, helps ward off projections, and builds connection. if it isn't making it worse... .keep practicing ... .most don't do it very well at first b/c it's tricky... .you may want to share how you are using it here so experts can give you tips on refining it.

I would also recommend putting a lot of focus on making yourself happy. quit focusing so much on winning his girls or him over.  when you detach with love and find your own equilibrium and your own inner wellbeing,  things start to shift.

[Ceruleanblue]

Formflier: I think I've been through a lot of stages of this. I'll give you some quotes, when I can calm down(it's been a rough day). I have had compassion, and I used to think/feel that he could not control it, but right now I'm thinking he can control is "some". I've seen him do so. He is highly manipulative of me. He will be "nice" when he wants something of me, like for me to attend one of his adult kids' functions, where they either ignore me, or are rude to me.

I think all my compassion, and radical acceptance earned me MORE of his aggression and anger. He has definitely escalated lately, and I'm really serious about him getting help. I've jumped through every hoop imaginable for him, at his demands(including begging my doctor to put me on meds I don't need, lest he divorce me).

He is scary in his anger, and it is getting ugly around here. I've about reached my threshold. I want us to work out, but HE needs to do a tenth of what I do, effort wise. His latest thing is to call me foul, belittling names, and I'd warned him about that on our second date(I got away from a guy who did that), and I'm done being cussed out and cursed at. I'm not a total prude about cussing, but I hate it when he uses it in an ugly, abusive way when he is raging at me. I'm tired of his threats, and I am calling his bluff. He backed down, of course. I didn't care either way, and I think he finally knew I wasn't going to beg this time.

I'll write more later when I can bring myself to write some of the ugly/hurtful things he has said. Maybe you can give me ideas of ways I can deal with it/him better. I've been surviving on effort, but that is waning.

[Ceruleanblue]

Maxsterling: "I" don't think I can fix this situation at all. I think HE thinks I should be able to though. Which is why I get frustrated. I know any effort is wasted on him, and that I'll get no credit(but I have moments where I forget and keep trying... .dumb, eh?). Only HE can change his behaviors, or his negative views of me, because they are not even really based on reality. A small kernel of it maybe, but mostly, no. I'm not "mean" like he likes to say. I'm "mean" because I judge his kids based on their past anger, aggression and rudeness towards me? I'd say that is being realistic, and smart, not "mean". You tend to expect when you've received in the past. If they start being nicer, I'll come to expect that maybe.

I can only work on me, but I feel I'm failing in some way there too a little, because I thought validating him or walking away from his rages would lessen his reactions somewhat, or at least tone down some of the drama. It really hasn't though, and all I want is some peace. Instead he has escalated. Maybe he feels me getting stronger, and he is escalating due to that? I just don't know.

[Ceruleanblue]

My idea of validating: Repeating what he says/feels, so he knows I've heard him. Then I try to empathize with him, and tell him that I can see why he feels this way(if I truly can, otherwise I skip this step). I try not to "fix" the problem for him, or give suggestions, as that tends to set him off. I just listen, and empathize.

Am I doing it wrong? I'd kill for him to do that for me. He simply can't(or won't). Any tips appreciated. I want to validate correctly, so the drama lessens. I'm so tired.

[formflier]

My idea of validating: Repeating what he says/feels, so he knows I've heard him. Then I try to empathize with him, and tell him that I can see why he feels this way(if I truly can, otherwise I skip this step). I try not to "fix" the problem for him, or give suggestions, as that tends to set him off. I just listen, and empathize.

Am I doing it wrong? I'd kill for him to do that for me. He simply can't(or won't). Any tips appreciated. I want to validate correctly, so the drama lessens. I'm so tired.

Hang in there!  Sounds like you have had a rough day  


When you get time... .if you can give some detail on something you validated... .we can try to improve it... .or help you compare it to the lessons.

One other thing caught my eye.  Something about "judging" his kids.  Long term it is probably going to be helpful to "radically accept" them and not "engage" anyone about their behavior. 

Note:  This doesn't mean put up with it... .or not use a boundary.  But getting him to agree with boundary, or to "take your side", or to "judge" his kids as being bad or needing to change... .that is probably not a good strategy.

Again... .it sounds like a rough day for you... .try to do some nice stuff... .just for you!  I'm about to go take a long walk... .helps me feel better on many levels.

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, I have radically accepted his kids, and short of them getting in some major therapy, they are not going to change. They have a gang mentality, and I don't foresee them accepting me, or them becoming nicer anytime soon. I've forgiven the things they've done to me, and just want to move forward. I can only work on MY part of that relationship though, and they remain stuck on what they think are past injustices(imagined, of course).

I accept them,  but I refuse to continue to have zero boundaries with them. I met with one step daughter for a therapy session(uBPDH's therapist held this session), and it went horribly. Even my husband's therapist later said his daughter was crappy to me. She wanted her pound of flesh, but the whole session was about her imagined gripes. Now that we want a session to discuss moving forward, and future boundaries(as in I'm not going to be talked to in that fashion), she it "too busy" to meet for another session. So unfair. I guess I'm not going to get to state my boundaries, I'm just going to carry them out.

You can want things to improve, and do your part, but you have no control over other people. That is where I'm stuck. My husband blames me, says his kids are perfect, and he seems to think I have the power to "fix" all this. I've tried. Over and over and over. I can only change ME, and they stay stuck on being unaccepting and angry. Just like uBPDh.

I am going to have boundaries, because they've all run all over my past boundaries. I'm establishing new ones. Ones I'm not going to be backed down from. I'm done accepting all the blame. I'm not going to fight about it, or argue, because my husband doesn't listen anyway.

His kids have caused immense problems, and my husband has allowed it, yet blamed me. All the while, I'm dealing with his issues, which I'm sure are BPD. His doctor put him on an antipsychotic drug, and he promptly went off it, with no follow up with his doctor?

I can't fix or help any of them. They all have to want to be healthier individuals. You'd think they'd realize that their issues are always of an interpersonal nature, and that they are the common denominator.

Yesterday was a tough day, today is better. I hope it remains that way. I have to stop letting myself be so saddened by my husband dysregulating and raging, and blaming me.

[an0ught]

Hi Ceruleanblue

I accept them,  but I refuse to continue to have zero boundaries with them. I met with one step daughter for a therapy session(uBPDH's therapist held this session), and it went horribly. Even my husband's therapist later said his daughter was crappy to me. She wanted her pound of flesh, but the whole session was about her imagined gripes. Now that we want a session to discuss moving forward, and future boundaries(as in I'm not going to be talked to in that fashion), she it "too busy" to meet for another session. So unfair. I guess I'm not going to get to state my boundaries, I'm just going to carry them out.

this is often better when dealing with people who do not respect boundaries and are have a hostile attitude. You won't win anything by discussing them not even later insight and improved future understanding. Discussions only lead to more conflict. It is important that you know exactly where the line for you is and how you protect it. Telling the other side too much detail opens you up to game playing. Whether the other side is generally cooperative or hostile when it comes to first boundaries chances are they will be crossed and need to be defended. So hold your course, focus on yourself and ignore her drama where you can.

[maxsterling]

agree with an0ught here -

Stating boundaries beforehand with an emotionally unstable individual usually backfires.  They interpret the boundary as you trying to control them or you trying to teach them a lesson.  To them, it may sound like you are making a problem where one doesn't exist, trying to start something with them, or dragging up the past (of course this is exactly what they do to you, but that's the irony of this).

My experience says that if you have relative peace and quiet with a volatile person, enjoy it for as long as you can.  Even though they appear to be in a good mood, that doesn't mean they are receptive.  Boundaries are to protect yourself from bad behavior, they aren't to force someone else to change his or her behavior.  Behavior changes are up to the other person.  And when that other person is an adult, it's unlikely that the person will alter his or her behavior in a positive direction in response to your boundary.  I think most boundaries are pretty universal and don't need to be stated beforehand. 

[LilHurt420]

What are the most likely techniques I can use in my situation, to find some peace for myself, and my kids? I'm no longer so concerned about HIM, because he seems to feel entitled to be angry, hostile, and mean, and I know for a fact that I don't deserve his rages.

I want our marriage to improve, but he seems to be undermining everything I try. Validating him hasn't been the success I hoped for, because he seems to have such a superior, entitled attitude. MY opinion doesn't matter to him, so he really doesn't care if I validate, or agree with him, or not. For me, a little bit of validation, would mean a LOT, and he makes sure he never gives it to me. He refuses to try to see any view or feeling other than his own.

I sometimes think the only emotion he can feel is anger(he saves his happiness for others to enjoy). I want to distance from his anger and negativity about me, but how do I do that, and still work on the marriage?

This is where I'm at too.  I've had to train myself to not care about what he does anymore.  It's hard... .but it's the only way.  When I try to validate him then he says "I don't really mean it sincerely"... .when I try to explain to him why it's hard for me to give him the credit and attention he needs because of the direct affect of his abusive ways on me, he acts as though his abuse should have absolutely no affect on me.  I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life" (which he found me reading and hasn't talked to me since) and it is really helping me.

[ColdEthyl]

It's gets really tiring really quickly. We are all there or have been. This is atypical BPD behavior.

Here' my advise, I hope it's of some help. First, he is self-aware? Does he acknowledge he has this issue? If not, that makes it more difficult.

You should have your boundaries, and make them known. You do not deserve to be berated. However, understand when they are in this cycle, they WILL say anything to hurt you. They are emotional children, lashing out. Take how angry you are, and multiply it by 10. That's how they feel. They do not in any way mean to be mean, or mean to be irrational, but they cannot process their emotions properly.

Also, they are plagued with irrational thoughts, thinking they are going to be left, they are going to be abandoned. It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy that they deploy.

Your question of how to fix this? Well... .you can't. You will also have to accept that he will NEVER be able to support you emotionally. Ever. They are selfish by nature. It's not on purpose, and they will have good days and be sweet when they are aware of it, but for them the world is mean, life sucks, and they hate themselves. It's almost unfair of us to ask them to emotionally support us when they cant even govern their own emotions.

What does that mean for you? Well, you have to answer the big questions. Is this something you can live with and do? Are you strong enough to find your own emotional support, and learn the tricks of the trade to minimize the rage episodes? It's not for everyone, I dare say it's not for most people. There's a tragedy in that, these people who need love and support so much, do everything they can to destroy it, but that's what we are working with here.

It's tough. There's no other way to cut that slice of bread. It comes down to deciding if there's enough positives for you in the relationship for you to try.

My idea of validating: Repeating what he says/feels, so he knows I've heard him. Then I try to empathize with him, and tell him that I can see why he feels this way(if I truly can, otherwise I skip this step). I try not to "fix" the problem for him, or give suggestions, as that tends to set him off. I just listen, and empathize.

Am I doing it wrong? I'd kill for him to do that for me. He simply can't(or won't). Any tips appreciated. I want to validate correctly, so the drama lessens. I'm so tired.

[ColdEthyl]

I was reading "You don't have to walk on eggshells" and my husband got upset and said "I'm sorry I'm so difficult that you need to read a book to deal with me" I ended up taking the book to work and read it on my own. Not a good idea to read it around them.

What are the most likely techniques I can use in my situation, to find some peace for myself, and my kids? I'm no longer so concerned about HIM, because he seems to feel entitled to be angry, hostile, and mean, and I know for a fact that I don't deserve his rages.

I want our marriage to improve, but he seems to be undermining everything I try. Validating him hasn't been the success I hoped for, because he seems to have such a superior, entitled attitude. MY opinion doesn't matter to him, so he really doesn't care if I validate, or agree with him, or not. For me, a little bit of validation, would mean a LOT, and he makes sure he never gives it to me. He refuses to try to see any view or feeling other than his own.

I sometimes think the only emotion he can feel is anger(he saves his happiness for others to enjoy). I want to distance from his anger and negativity about me, but how do I do that, and still work on the marriage?

This is where I'm at too.  I've had to train myself to not care about what he does anymore.  It's hard... .but it's the only way.  When I try to validate him then he says "I don't really mean it sincerely"... .when I try to explain to him why it's hard for me to give him the credit and attention he needs because of the direct affect of his abusive ways on me, he acts as though his abuse should have absolutely no affect on me.  I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life" (which he found me reading and hasn't talked to me since) and it is really helping me.

[LilHurt420]

I was reading "You don't have to walk on eggshells" and my husband got upset and said "I'm sorry I'm so difficult that you need to read a book to deal with me" I ended up taking the book to work and read it on my own. Not a good idea to read it around them.

What are the most likely techniques I can use in my situation, to find some peace for myself, and my kids? I'm no longer so concerned about HIM, because he seems to feel entitled to be angry, hostile, and mean, and I know for a fact that I don't deserve his rages.

I want our marriage to improve, but he seems to be undermining everything I try. Validating him hasn't been the success I hoped for, because he seems to have such a superior, entitled attitude. MY opinion doesn't matter to him, so he really doesn't care if I validate, or agree with him, or not. For me, a little bit of validation, would mean a LOT, and he makes sure he never gives it to me. He refuses to try to see any view or feeling other than his own.

I sometimes think the only emotion he can feel is anger(he saves his happiness for others to enjoy). I want to distance from his anger and negativity about me, but how do I do that, and still work on the marriage?

This is where I'm at too.  I've had to train myself to not care about what he does anymore.  It's hard... .but it's the only way.  When I try to validate him then he says "I don't really mean it sincerely"... .when I try to explain to him why it's hard for me to give him the credit and attention he needs because of the direct affect of his abusive ways on me, he acts as though his abuse should have absolutely no affect on me.  I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life" (which he found me reading and hasn't talked to me since) and it is really helping me.

I figured it wasn't a good idea to read it around him, so instead of buying it hardcopy I downloaded it to my phone and read it when he's not around.  Only he stayed up all night a few nights ago going through everything in my phone and found it.  I feel like I can't win

[ColdEthyl]

I know, hun. It's because you can't. Yeah mine goes through my stuff too, I gave him all my passwords to FB and everything, he can knock himself out, I'm as boring as I appear ( I do have his passwords too)

I was reading "You don't have to walk on eggshells" and my husband got upset and said "I'm sorry I'm so difficult that you need to read a book to deal with me" I ended up taking the book to work and read it on my own. Not a good idea to read it around them.

What are the most likely techniques I can use in my situation, to find some peace for myself, and my kids? I'm no longer so concerned about HIM, because he seems to feel entitled to be angry, hostile, and mean, and I know for a fact that I don't deserve his rages.

I want our marriage to improve, but he seems to be undermining everything I try. Validating him hasn't been the success I hoped for, because he seems to have such a superior, entitled attitude. MY opinion doesn't matter to him, so he really doesn't care if I validate, or agree with him, or not. For me, a little bit of validation, would mean a LOT, and he makes sure he never gives it to me. He refuses to try to see any view or feeling other than his own.

I sometimes think the only emotion he can feel is anger(he saves his happiness for others to enjoy). I want to distance from his anger and negativity about me, but how do I do that, and still work on the marriage?

This is where I'm at too.  I've had to train myself to not care about what he does anymore.  It's hard... .but it's the only way.  When I try to validate him then he says "I don't really mean it sincerely"... .when I try to explain to him why it's hard for me to give him the credit and attention he needs because of the direct affect of his abusive ways on me, he acts as though his abuse should have absolutely no affect on me.  I've been reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life" (which he found me reading and hasn't talked to me since) and it is really helping me.

I figured it wasn't a good idea to read it around him, so instead of buying it hardcopy I downloaded it to my phone and read it when he's not around.  Only he stayed up all night a few nights ago going through everything in my phone and found it.  I feel like I can't win

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm currently halfway through the "Walking on Eggshells" book. I'd like to read the other book mentioned in the above post too. It helps to realize that there is nothing I can do to change him(learned that the hard way), but I do need to find ways to make my life more peaceful. The book is somewhat helping with that. HE had actually been given the book, by his therapist! He wasn't reading it, so I decided to. He fed me some story about how she gave him the book to help us with our communication.

I'm benefiting from the book, and maybe if I read and study up enough, I'll eventually find a balance that helps me to deal with his rages and blame.

[ColdEthyl]

That's a great place to start! I was at my wit's end before that book... .and now I use it to calm myself down if he's pushed me too far, I go back and read and it reaffirms things for me.

I'm currently halfway through the "Walking on Eggshells" book. I'd like to read the other book mentioned in the above post too. It helps to realize that there is nothing I can do to change him(learned that the hard way), but I do need to find ways to make my life more peaceful. The book is somewhat helping with that. HE had actually been given the book, by his therapist! He wasn't reading it, so I decided to. He fed me some story about how she gave him the book to help us with our communication.

I'm benefiting from the book, and maybe if I read and study up enough, I'll eventually find a balance that helps me to deal with his rages and blame.